I know, truly... good word. Now when I observe someone behaving poorly in public (like, especially in traffic situations, ha!), I remind myself, they too could be in a state of grieving. We just never know what a person is contending with at any moment.
Tammy Cameron said:
We are forever changed by their departure from this earth. Through the sadness important lessons are learned and for me I have learned to appreciate everything around me and to be more kind to those around us. You never know what the person sitting beside you in a public place has been through. I've also learned to be more kind to myself and love myself like my mother loved me.
On Wed 19th December 2012 my brother phoned me about 8.30pm. We had recently had a falling out, over the way my brother had treated my dad, but had sorted things out over text so I thought he was calling to say sorry.
Instead he told me my dad was gone. He killed himself at the cemetery where his own dad, the grandfather I never met, was buried.
I love my dad so much. We were very close. He had depression over the years but I honestly never ever thought it would lead to this. Our family had previously been touched by suicide twice, earlier in 2012 my uncle gassed himself and a few years ago my 16 year old cousin hung himself. Dad saw the pain it caused. I honestly never thought it was something I needed to worry about with my dad.
The first couple weeks went so fast. I've always been the strong one in the family, the one who sorts things out, the peace keeper. I organised the funeral and everything else that goes along with it. I stayed with mum until after the funeral until we were able to move her in with me and my family. I'm 26, have a husband, toddler plus my neice and nephew whom we look after for my sister. I hate using the word sister. I despise her, her chidlren have never been a priority in her life, she is selfish, manipulative and nasty. She sunk to incredible new lows in the days before my dad died. I am not alone in feeling it was her words and actions that pushed him to the edge. Sure he had a choice, but the frame of mind he was in was because of her.
I tried sorting out the financial side of things, dad had no will, so its still ongoing but at least its something to do.
I dread the thought of when theres nothing left to sort out. Then its like its all over now and everything just goes back to normal and I'm expected to aswell. I'm back at work, they went light on me for about a week then was plunged straight back in to a high stress project, I can handle it, but at the same time my care factor for work right now is zero. I want to be at home with my son. I never imagined being a working mum, but due to financial needs I went back to work. Now more than ever I feel I need to be at home with him but stuck, we rely on my earnings.
I hate the fact that my dads life is reduced to photos and memories. My memories arent working properly, I'm trying so hard to see him and hear him and its not there. I don't feel him eitehr, I dont feel him around me like some people do when loved ones passed. I want to more than anything but I dont. Instead it feels like he's just missing, missing somewhere and he needs us to find him but we can't. I want him back so badly, and it feels stupid that I cant have him back, he should just be here. I can't believe he is gone.
I dont want everything to go on, I don't want to accept anything, I just want him back.
Hi Greg. I'm glad you found this site, and a place to have a voice and be heard and understood, because we do understand the unique pain of losing a loved one to suicide, and you're right, we have a special rapport with others who really get it, what it feels like. You will find strength and loving support here. Your family members are dealing with the loss in the best ways they know how to.. using their own familiar coping mechanisms, however maladaptive those strategies may be for long-term healing and recovery. You are on the right track, endeavoring not to block or hide or bury the pain. I encourage you to keep on letting it flow through you. It's been almost two years since my son Charles died, and though I have turned a major corner and generally have my equilibrium back (two steps forward, one step back)--actually, several distinct turning points over the last two years--I still think of him daily, at times many times daily, with there being all kinds of triggers, I often weep still, though much less often than the first 1-1/2 years, and the tears are not as bitter anymore. So I offer that definition of my current status as encouragement that it will not always hurt as bad as it does presently, if you are allowing yourself to feel and move through the pain. There are other strategies and supports that may also help with working through your grief, and I would be glad to share with you what has worked for me if you ever feel that you could benefit from having more supports in the grieving process. Despite what anyone thinks, at five months since your brother's death, your loss is still very fresh. Just like your family members have the right to grieve in their own ways, so also do you. You must have loved him very much, so be gentle and good to yourself by giving yourself a lot of latitude and permission to grieve to the fullest extent necessary for you to recovery from such an excruciating loss. Set boundaries and limit the amount of time that you are around others who for whatever reason (family conditioning, personal coping mechanisms, lack of insight, other) are not able to support your way of processing your grief. You will be the better for it, the way you've chosen to face and embrace and process through it. Take good care.
Hi Greg, I'm glad some of what I shared helped you in some way. I'm heading out to work so this will be brief, but I will write more next week when I return. I think I'll switch over to your page now to continue this message there....
Greg Malon said:
Thank you, Theresa. Just to have someone who knows this pain write to me from a place of openness about it and understanding brought up tears...both like permission to grieve and a closeness with a stranger simply because the same kind of horror struck you...and you're not running from it.
Thank you for not running from the sorrow and misery of it and pressing on and sharing that with me. I've been needing it. It feels like a bottomless pit of needing just that (esp. since getting so much NOT that over the past months).
I'm also sorry to hear about your loss. At least I can honestly say I get it. I truly do empathize. Hang in there. I hope I, too, round a corner in the not too distant future where the pain doesn't feel so bitter & raw and it doesn't incapacitate me so much in other areas of my life.
But I hang on to some shred of hope...even in the hopeless feelings. I sense, even during them, that maybe the hopelessness is JUST RIGHT NOW...not forever. And after a bout of misery I am rewarded with a few hours, or a few moments, of relief, like life flowing back into the cadaver I was.
Thank you again for the support, and of course I'd like to hear more if you want to share.