Will she be able to realize that it wasn't her fault?

First let me say that one never realizes the scope of devastation that suicide can and will bring without first hand experience. These are feelings that I would never want anyone to have to deal with. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to any and all that have ever been involved in this type of horrific loss. My daughter and her boyfriend were having a rough spot in their relationship. They'd known each other for 4-5 months. Having cut ties with her bio dad and a previous abusive relationship with a boy a year ago she would push people away and "run" from problems. On Tuesday she told her boyfriend that she didn't know if she wanted to be with him because she couldnt handle his "excessive drinking". He was very upset and talked about taking his life that night. She stayed with him because she feared he might. On Thursday he showed up at our home and informed her brother that he would wait for her to return because he had to break up with her to feel better about himself. He sat in the car and I glanced out the window at him. If I could only turn back the hands of time!! I should have went out that door and talked to him. He looked so distraught. He told her that he was going to end it. She told him how stupid it was to think or talk like that because he had a daughter. In his despair, he told her that he loved her and the best way for him to handle this was for her to never see or speak to him again. Angrily, she replied fine you'll never hear from or see me again if thats what you want. Throughout the day, he was posting messages to facebook about how reckless he felt, how no one understood him. He sent a message to her saying he wanted to let her know one last time that he loved her. The last message he posted to facebook was I loved her. she hurt me. i feel like i dont belong here anymore. no one understands me. After he left, his sadness was weighing heavy on me. I talked to my daughter about it. She expressed to me what he had said and how stupid she felt it was to say those things because he had a daughter and good things going for him. At that point, I explained to her that I was upset that she would seem so callous. I asked her, what if David did take his life, think about how you would deal with that. Is that something you would like to have on your conscienous the rest of your life? The day goes on. While at work, David was sending her text messages. I'm outta here. I want you to be happy. At 7:12 pm he sent i give you permission to answer me, do you love me? the same message came again a few minutes later. At 7:32 pm one last chance, do you love me? Around 8 pm he shot himself. Heather didn't get his messages until she left work around 9. Since the texts had stopped she thought he had gotten drunk and passed out. Friday morning comes and she gets on facebook to send him a message. Mortified by what she saw,his last posting saying she hurt him, RIP David and other similar messages, shes angry thinking he and his friends are trying to play a cruel joke on her. She tries calling his cell, no answer. Then the state police call. My heart is deeply saddened for his family and for my daughter. I feel a horrible guilt that if I would have only taken a few minutes to "put my nose" in their business maybe this wouldn't have happened. I can't begin to imagine how deeply this is hurting my daughter. She cries out that its her fault. If only she could have or would have responded that his daughter would still have a father, his parents a son, and her someone she cared deeply about. She wants to attend his viewing and funeral. I feel that if she doesn't, she will never begin to heal. However, due to his friends and possible family members stating that they can't believe he would do this over a girl, im afraid for her to go. I don't want to cause further hardship on his family either. I sent a message to a family member whom I believe is his aunt asking permission for her to attend but have gotten no response. Guidance on how to handle this and how to help her begin healing from this would be greatly appreciated.

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Permalink Reply by SUE on December 6, 2009 at 7:51am

Lisa,
How horrible for all. Especially those left behind like your poor daughter. Please tell your daughter its not her fault. The fact of the matter is lots of people break-up only someone who has a sick/broken brain committs suicide. He may have focussed on her but his issues were not hers to own if you know what I mean. You said he was very open about his thoughts on facebook, it was there for all to see. Your daughter was not the only one to know his pain right. It is only natural to think theres something I could of done,if I only did this or that. But we dont have that kinda of power or control of another human beings thoughts or actions. You going out to the car,your daughter returning his text, may have prolonged this by a day/or 2 or more or just by mere hours..maby.Like your daughters last intervention did.But you cant watch someone 24/7 or be responsible for whether they choose 2 live or die.I believe he had probably thought about suicide long b4 he acted on it. His perceived unre-quetted(sp) love just the catalyist. What if your daughter was there and he went out of his mind and did this in front of her or worse decided to take her with him? He was acting irrationally,he was desperate. It happened in my family.
I think you are right in your decision to contact his family on her be-half about his funeral. Your support of her during this time will not be forgotten. If she really wants to go, go with her. Ask if she will go to counselling, she could use all the help and love and support she can get at this time. His pain has ended..everyone elses just begun. Im very sorry for the both of you. I hope this helps a little. My thoughts are with. Please take a look at my post Hope this helps. It may answer a few questions..
Sue

Permalink Reply by Lisa on December 7, 2009 at 7:10am

Sue,
Thank you very much for your taking time to read my post. Thank you for taking the time to reply and your concern for others. So many times it seems we get too busy to slow down and really appreciate all we have in this life. I have realized how I have done this. You certainly brought things to light that had never entered my mind. I had never thought about him doing this in front of her or taking her with him. It sounds so selfish to me to say how thankful I am that this didn't occur. David was a really sweet kid and I will miss him dearly. I still have had no reply from the family but I feel strongly that I must allow her to go to the viewing and funeral. She is still numb and unbelieving that this is reality. My heart aches so badly for everyone that has been thrown into this horrific tragedy. I contacted a local support group and she is going to a meeting Thursday night. Once again, thank you so much.

Permalink Reply by SUE on December 7, 2009 at 7:29am

Lisa,
You are more than welcome. If anything I say helps anyone with any part of this I am grateful..very grateful. Thats awesome that she is going to counselling. I dont know if David could of done what I suggested but the possibility does exist. It is most certainly not a bad thing that you are grateful, not at all. I hope like you that his family will come to accept that it was not your daughters fault. Sometimes its just easier to blame another when you cant find any other explanation...these were just kids, so I hope they embrace her rather than push her away. Perhaps a condolence card from your family with a personal message from you. Saying what you just told me about what a sweet kid he was. Do what ever you feel necessary to protect your daughter at his funeral ok. Im glad she wants to go...but I worry for her too.
Sincerely Sue

Lisa said:

Sue,
Thank you very much for your taking time to read my post. Thank you for taking the time to reply and your concern for others. So many times it seems we get too busy to slow down and really appreciate all we have in this life. I have realized how I have done this. You certainly brought things to light that had never entered my mind. I had never thought about him doing this in front of her or taking her with him. It sounds so selfish to me to say how thankful I am that this didn't occur. David was a really sweet kid and I will miss him dearly. I still have had no reply from the family but I feel strongly that I must allow her to go to the viewing and funeral. She is still numb and unbelieving that this is reality. My heart aches so badly for everyone that has been thrown into this horrific tragedy. I contacted a local support group and she is going to a meeting Thursday night. Once again, thank you so much.

Permalink Reply by Trish on December 7, 2009 at 5:27pm

The first thing and most important thing is that she has you there for her. I had no one to talk to. I wish I had someone who cared for me enough to talk to me, hold me everytime I cried and hurt etc...

That is going to mean so much, more than you could ever know. It is probably going to be with her the rest of her life but by you being there with time she will see that it wasn't her fault at all. And will make sense of the whole thing as each day go's by.

There will be hurt, anger, and a number of other painful feelings but as each day, month , yrs., go by she will with you help be okay. It is a process that I am going through all by myself. I wish I had someone to be here that cared enough to care the way you do.

Trish

Trish

Permalink Reply by Lam on December 9, 2009 at 9:25am

Lisa,

That's very terrible. No one is responsible for the other's life and action. Your daughter Might be able to answer, text, see, talk or be with him in order to delay his death one more time, but this man is very likely to do it again. Men don't kill themselves just for loss of love, there must be many other reasons to drive him to that end.

I did get a little closure from the service, but i went through hell of emotion before i began to heal. If the family member allows your daughter to attend, you need to go with her. If not, don't force it. She could get a closure later to visit his gravestone.

I am very terrible sorry. This is just too much for anyone to handle.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 29, 2011 at 1:08am

It may take you're daughter a long time to get thru the quilt.It wasn't her fault, suicide is a sickness, deep inside of people. You can't change the way they think.If they have their minds made up, you can't stop them. I feel sorry for your daughter but I truly understand. On June 10th, 2010 last year. My daughters boyfriend, shot himself while talking on the phone with her. They had been together 10 months, and he didn't have a job, he had no car, no family support. His mom and dad were going thru a divorce. I guess they didn't notice that he had lost 35 lbs. That he was depressed. He would call every five mins.very very depressed, he missed the time he spent with his father. I guess they were like best friends untill the divorce. Then he didn't see much of his dad. Anyway he wouldn't look for a job, he didn't have much ambission, he was.ut just happy to play video games. My daughter got a job.He stayed home and played video games with his friend. I noticed that he would text her every five seconds, or would call and cry to her. He felt like he lost his mom and dad, and was about to loose her. All she wanted was for him to get a job. She decided after a fight over the phone most of the night, that it was time to spend awhile apart. She called him the next day and he said "are you going to come back to me and she said, not right now. He started walking home saying that he was giong to kill himself if she didn't take him back. She said " Mom , I really didn't think he would do it. He would say that every time we had a fight". She said " they fought all the time. But he knew, that they would always get back together." So that day she call and thay started texting back and fourth. He said if she broke up with him, he was going to kill himself.So she talked to him while he walked most the way home. When he got home he called her and said " are you going to take me back and she said "not right now".Then he said"Then this is all you're fault- five, four, three, two, one, bang. She jump in her car, thank god a friend went with her. She was at a girlfriends house and there were other people there. They all heard the gun shot. When she got to his house, they could see thru the curtains that he was sitting in a chair with a gunshot too the head. She has never been the same, she had been 14 months clean from drugs. Well this just push her over the edge,she is using drugs again. I have begged her to get help but she said that she can handle it by herself. She doesn't even look the same,she has lost thirty five pounds. She never smiles, it's like she's in her own world. She writes on her Facebook to him like he is still here. I hope your daughtrer can find someone to help her. I will pray for her. I will ask god to give her strenght to raise her little girl. But my daughter went thru so many rages that we had to ask her to relocate at my aunt house. My husband thought she might take it out on me. I wrote her a note or a poem from the internet and gave her one every single day.I told her I loved her so much. That she could count on me to be there if no one else was there. I'm still see her alot and we talk on the phone. But I'm not sure she will ever forget what he did to her. He took the eazy way out and left her to feel quilty. God bless your daughter.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 29, 2011 at 3:17pm

Vicki,

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Suicide is a pain that is so selfish and unexplainable...It has been 18 months and I now have a 9 month old grandson whom will never haver the opportunity to truly know his father. I have such a difficult time dealing with how this baby is to cope/deal with his fathers actions. He was unaware of my daughter being pregnant when this occured. However, he did have a 3 yr. old daughter. I just cannot grasp how you could purposely leave your children in such a manner! Such pain, sorrow, and agony for a child who cannot comprehend. My heart aches every day for these children...and for any one who has to go thru this...God bless you, your family, and your daughter. Suicide expands to so many lives and I don't feel that anyone truly understands the scope of damage until they have had to experience it. I know I didn't.

Vicki said:

It may take you're daughter a long time to get thru the quilt.It wasn't her fault, suicide is a sickness, deep inside of people. You can't change the way they think.If they have their minds made up, you can't stop them. I feel sorry for your daughter but I truly understand. On June 10th, 2010 last year. My daughters boyfriend, shot himself while talking on the phone with her. They had been together 10 months, and he didn't have a job, he had no car, no family support. His mom and dad were going thru a divorce. I guess they didn't notice that he had lost 35 lbs. That he was depressed. He would call every five mins.very very depressed, he missed the time he spent with his father. I guess they were like best friends untill the divorce. Then he didn't see much of his dad. Anyway he wouldn't look for a job, he didn't have much ambission, he was.ut just happy to play video games. My daughter got a job.He stayed home and played video games with his friend. I noticed that he would text her every five seconds, or would call and cry to her. He felt like he lost his mom and dad, and was about to loose her. All she wanted was for him to get a job. She decided after a fight over the phone most of the night, that it was time to spend awhile apart. She called him the next day and he said "are you going to come back to me and she said, not right now. He started walking home saying that he was giong to kill himself if she didn't take him back. She said " Mom , I really didn't think he would do it. He would say that every time we had a fight". She said " they fought all the time. But he knew, that they would always get back together." So that day she call and thay started texting back and fourth. He said if she broke up with him, he was going to kill himself.So she talked to him while he walked most the way home. When he got home he called her and said " are you going to take me back and she said "not right now".Then he said"Then this is all you're fault- five, four, three, two, one, bang. She jump in her car, thank god a friend went with her. She was at a girlfriends house and there were other people there. They all heard the gun shot. When she got to his house, they could see thru the curtains that he was sitting in a chair with a gunshot too the head. She has never been the same, she had been 14 months clean from drugs. Well this just push her over the edge,she is using drugs again. I have begged her to get help but she said that she can handle it by herself. She doesn't even look the same,she has lost thirty five pounds. She never smiles, it's like she's in her own world. She writes on her Facebook to him like he is still here. I hope your daughtrer can find someone to help her. I will pray for her. I will ask god to give her strenght to raise her little girl. But my daughter went thru so many rages that we had to ask her to relocate at my aunt house. My husband thought she might take it out on me. I wrote her a note or a poem from the internet and gave her one every single day.I told her I loved her so much. That she could count on me to be there if no one else was there. I'm still see her alot and we talk on the phone. But I'm not sure she will ever forget what he did to her. He took the eazy way out and left her to feel quilty. God bless your daughter.

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