My husband Larry passed away suddenly August 2009. We had 38 wonderful years together. I feel so alone and miss him so much. We were more than husband and wife; we were also best friends. It is coming up on 6 months but it feels like it was yesterday. I have moved on in some respects but am also stuck in others. Don't mind me I am going to let my thoughts and feelings spill for a while.
I was able to pack his clothing and take it to a local charity, but I can't bear to take off my wedding ring. I know it is only a symbol but I feel I will be putting him aside if I take it off. I guess I am not ready to do that yet. Every day is a struggle and I know life goes on. I have done that in many respects. I can't bring myself to say "I" I still say things like our sons, our home, our business, "we", my phone message still says we will get back to you. I feel so selfish if I say my or I. We did everything together and worked side by side our whole marriage and everything we have accomplished we did together. I spend many days just crying; alone. I find many things that I never gave a second thought to have now become difficult. I now hate to go grocery shopping. It is hard to buy for just one person. I love to cook and bake but have lost interest in it for now as I don't have anyone to do that for anymore. I know I could invite my family over for meals, but don't want to intrude in their busy lives. I know why I feel that way too. My mother-in-law intruded in our lives our whole marriage and I don't want my daughters-in-law to feel that way about me. She never knows when to mind her own business or when to keep her mouth shut, or when to go home either. Now how ironic is it that I am the only one she has left. My husbands Dad passed 18 years ago and my hubby was an only child. Our sons avoid her because they don't want to get caught up in her b.s., because if she can she will try to run their lives. She is a very self centered person and it is always about me me me. She never ever seems to have any regard for your feelings when she opens her mouth, but god forbid if you ever said anything that may hurt her feelings...she carries a grudge for life. I know I sound bitter and I know where that is coming from too. I feel so cheated. There is so much more I could say but only feel myself getting more angry and that does me no good. Don't dwell on what you can't change. I also feel that I am disrespecting Larry. I have to say it. I am so angry. She took him away from me for 9 1/2 weeks just before he passed. I only had 8 days with him then he passed away. Our summer business is 5 hours from our home and he had to come back for her. She played the poor me scene and he felt he had to be with her. I could have used his help and support, but I had to do it on my own for 9 1/2 weeks. I think maybe it was God's way of preparing me for being without him, but it still hurts so much. I will carry on as long as I can in his memory. I have wonderful support from family and friends but don't want to abuse that either as they also have their own lives.
Everyone says think about the good times, and I do, only to think that we will never do anything together again. I know I have to get out more, but sometimes find that difficult to do. When I come home I always to myself, "Why was I in such a hurry to come home to an empty house."
I am so glad that I have found this forum. I have got some of my feelings out and do feel better for it. Thank you for the opportunity.