Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 16, 2010 at 11:44pm

Dear Marlena,

With my going through the firsts right now, I congratulate you on all your success, strength and progress. As difficult as I'm sure it still is, you've come a long way, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

My best friend and boyfriend, Billy, passed away unexpectedly just 2 months ago in January - we don't know the cause. He and I were friends in High School and reconnected through Facebook just last year - Dec 08/Jan 09. We spent hours talking on the phone - he was in Tampa and I was in Boston. This past week last year was the 1st time we saw each other in 20 years. So, as you can tell, I'm going through the firsts right now. St. Patrick's Day was one of his favorite holidays - being the proud Irishman that he was - so today is going to be extremely difficult. A lot of people will have him on their mind.

I'm visiting his Aunt & Uncle tomorrow, at the house where he stayed, and we spent a lot of time when he was in Boston. Billy and I grew very close very quickly and soon we were in a relationship. We spent as much time together as we could between his quick trips back to Tampa. I'm really anxious and stressed out about going to his Aunt & Uncle's house ... as we spent so much time together there, Billy stayed there when in Boston and he also passed away there. I haven't been back to their house since the funeral and the visiting family went back to their repspective states. So, this is another first to try to get through.

I find myself just lost in missing him, scared in general and scared to move forward - almost unable to. I cry to him and for him every night. The knowledge of all these upcoming firsts petrifies me. My emotions are like exposed nerves. How did you manage through the firsts? What or who helped you through them? How do you keep moving forward and motivate day to day to live? I just want him to take me with him ... although I would never hurt myself to get there.

Thanks for listening and any support you can offer.
Laurie

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 16, 2010 at 11:48pm

Here is a picture of my Billy.

Attachments:

• Billy Lyman.jpg, 43 KB

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on March 17, 2010 at 7:39am

I know congratulations are not in order,but you survived!The pain,numbness and memories that we carry will always be there,along with the smiles they brought to us.March is a bad month for so many here.Today is Ann's anniversary.I'll be thinking of all of you.It was my 6 mo.on Saturday for me and I couldn't shake it.I nevered envisioned life without my husband.I'm sure if we had a choice we would have gone with them but since we didn't everyday is a new challenge.Best wishes,Kathy

Permalink Reply by Charles on March 17, 2010 at 8:46am

One year,Its so hard to believe.Its six months for me now.Life is so different living without that best friend, soul mate.Life goes on,, One breath at a time as you said.
Monday the 22 is Irene Parkers one year.Lets keep her in our thoughts also.
Irene's wisdom and words of encouragement has carried me through so many dark hours as Im sure she has done for so many others here.
Ann, Kathy, and all the others here that not only have your own burdens to carry but are so generous with your time and words.
I THANK YOU.
Not long ago I was about as far down and gone as one could get, but today i am so much better.I could not have made it this far without the wonderful people here that understand and also travel this long lonely road.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on March 17, 2010 at 7:55pm

Laurie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing his picture. I love that you added it. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom, but I am not sure that I do.

I remember the early months all too well. I felt like I was walking through the fog, not knowing where I was going or how I was getting there. I couldn't breathe most days; my heart ached for my life to be normal again. I can't say a whole lot has changed, I do still wish for my old normalcy. The ache is there, but it becomes somewhat manageable (I guess that is what I can call it).

The biggest thing I have tried to do is keep connected with Tom by keeping him present in our lives and honoring him in everything I do. It's good that you have a relationship with his family. Hold on tight to that. Being with them will be very hard at first, but you will get through it. I have found that the initial reaction to being with someone...friends or family...or going to someplace that was special for us...was difficult and very emotional. Each time it gets easier to bear. Let those emotions come, they are very healing. My family has been my strength. I am lucky to have 3 great kids and we are all trying to heal together.

You have made a very good first step by coming here and sharing your story. This is what has helped me tremendously. I have shared Tom with everyone. I want people to know him and know our story. I write on here and also on other grief sites, I started a memorial website for Tom, and I keep a journal for myself. It helps to get the feelings out.

If you have people close to you let them help you through this time. Lean on them for support. They really don't understand what you are going through unless they have lived it, but just having someone to listen helps.

As far as the firsts go, I planned something special on each day of our firsts. That way I had something to look forward to and something to occupy myself for the day. If you can make the something you plan all about Billy it will help you feel a connection to him. I have been to see an intuitive medium twice, now. That is how my girls, my mother-in-law and I spent yesterday...his Angel Day. I know not everyone feels comfortable with that idea, but for me the things she says and validations she gives me are very comforting. It all depends on how you feel about that kind of thing. I have also had days where all I wanted to do was "wallow" in my own self pity. That is allowed too. You need to do what is best for you to help you get through. Just don't let yourself wallow too long, you don't want to get stuck there and Billy wouldn't want you to either.

I also started taking classes online working toward a degree in medical administration. I have been a stay at home mom and a day care provider for the past 9 years. I decided that now that I have to become financially responsible for my family I have to do something that pays a little better than day care. It's the first decision I have made by myself in over 27 years. I always had Tom to bounce ideas off of, this time I was on my own, but it has been one of the best things for me. I have gained back a lot of the confidence I lost when I lost Tom.

I completely understand the wanting to be with Billy. That is all I wanted in the beginning. I wanted something to happen so that all of us would be together again...Tom, me, and our kids. I didn't want to leave them behind to feel this burden...we all needed to be together. I wished for that to happen and although that feeling is not as strong, I still would be ok with all of us being together. That is the goal. Everyday I wake up and know I am one day closer to being back with my love. I have always said I will not move on, but I will move forward because I have no other choice.

I'm not sure I shared anything worthwhile, but this is how I am making it through. Everday I still wake up and for a nano-second life is normal, then my reality sets in. I think I will always wish for my o

Permalink Reply by Marlena on March 17, 2010 at 8:14pm

Thank you, Kathy.

I did survive, but there were many days early on that I didn't think I would. I never, ever thought I'd be here in this position. We had our lives planned out. Without even realizing it, I think we thought we were invinceable. We lived our lives so naively that we were oblivious to anything harsh the world had to offer.

Thank goodness for the memories, they help me make it through.

My thoughts are with you as you face the challenges along this journey.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

kathleen caylor said:

I know congratulations are not in order,but you survived!The pain,numbness and memories that we carry will always be there,along with the smiles they brought to us.March is a bad month for so many here.Today is Ann's anniversary.I'll be thinking of all of you.It was my 6 mo.on Saturday for me and I couldn't shake it.I nevered envisioned life without my husband.I'm sure if we had a choice we would have gone with them but since we didn't everyday is a new challenge.Best wishes,Kathy

Permalink Reply by Marlena on March 17, 2010 at 8:23pm

Somehow, I got cut off. I know I was long winded, but...

I think I will always wish for my old life back, but I continue to move forward because I have no choice.

You will make it through this journey. It is not easy and somedays are unbearable, but stay close to the people that matter and hang on tight to all the memories you and Billy have made. The memories will carry you through.

I wish you peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.

Take care,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy

Marlena said:

Laurie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing his picture. I love that you added it. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom, but I am not sure that I do.

I remember the early months all too well. I felt like I was walking through the fog, not knowing where I was going or how I was getting there. I couldn't breathe most days; my heart ached for my life to be normal again. I can't say a whole lot has changed, I do still wish for my old normalcy. The ache is there, but it becomes somewhat manageable (I guess that is what I can call it).

The biggest thing I have tried to do is keep connected with Tom by keeping him present in our lives and honoring him in everything I do. It's good that you have a relationship with his family. Hold on tight to that. Being with them will be very hard at first, but you will get through it. I have found that the initial reaction to being with someone...friends or family...or going to someplace that was special for us...was difficult and very emotional. Each time it gets easier to bear. Let those emotions come, they are very healing. My family has been my strength. I am lucky to have 3 great kids and we are all trying to heal together.

You have made a very good first step by coming here and sharing your story. This is what has helped me tremendously. I have shared Tom with everyone. I want people to know him and know our story. I write on here and also on other grief sites, I started a memorial website for Tom, and I keep a journal for myself. It helps to get the feelings out.

If you have people close to you let them help you through this time. Lean on them for support. They really don't understand what you are going through unless they have lived it, but just having someone to listen helps.

As far as the firsts go, I planned something special on each day of our firsts. That way I had something to look forward to and something to occupy myself for the day. If you can make the something you plan all about Billy it will help you feel a connection to him. I have been to see an intuitive medium twice, now. That is how my girls, my mother-in-law and I spent yesterday...his Angel Day. I know not everyone feels comfortable with that idea, but for me the things she says and validations she gives me are very comforting. It all depends on how you feel about that kind of thing. I have also had days where all I wanted to do was "wallow" in my own self pity. That is allowed too. You need to do what is best for you to help you get through. Just don't let yourself wallow too long, you don't want to get stuck there and Billy wouldn't want you to either.

I also started taking classes online working toward a degree in medical administration. I have been a stay at home mom and a day care provider for the past 9 years. I decided that now that I have to become financially responsible for my family I have to do something that pays a little better than day care. It's the first decision I have made by myself in over 27 years. I always had Tom to bounce ideas off of, this time I was on my own, but it has been one of the best things for me. I have gained back a lot of the confidence I lost when I lost Tom.

I completely understand the wanting to be with Billy. That is all I wanted in the beginning. I wanted something to happen so that all of us would be together again...Tom, me, and our kids. I didn't want to leave them behind to feel this burden...we all needed to be together. I wished for that to happen and although that feeling is not as strong, I still would be ok with all of us being together. That is the goal. Everyday I wake up and know I am one day closer to being back with my love. I have always said I will not move on, but I will move forward because I have no other choice.

I'm not sure I shared anything worthwhile, but this is how I am making it through. Everday I still wake up and for a nano-second life is normal, then my reality sets in. I think I will always wish for my o

Permalink Reply by Marlena on March 17, 2010 at 8:32pm

Charles,

It is amazing that a whole year has gone by. I never thought I'd make it this far. Some days it is literally one breath at a time.

I am glad you have found support and encouragement here. This is a good, safe place to be where everyone knows how you feel.

As I tell everyone...hang on tight to the memories you have made with your love. They will carry you through.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
Charles said:

One year,Its so hard to believe.Its six months for me now.Life is so different living without that best friend, soul mate.Life goes on,, One breath at a time as you said.
Monday the 22 is Irene Parkers one year.Lets keep her in our thoughts also.
Irene's wisdom and words of encouragement has carried me through so many dark hours as Im sure she has done for so many others here.
Ann, Kathy, and all the others here that not only have your own burdens to carry but are so generous with your time and words.
I THANK YOU.
Not long ago I was about as far down and gone as one could get, but today i am so much better.I could not have made it this far without the wonderful people here that understand and also travel this long lonely road.

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 17, 2010 at 10:48pm

Marlena,

Thank you for sharing your approach and ideas on getting through the firsts. They were insightful and helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to communicate your thoughts with me. Here's wishing the best of luck in moving FORWARD in our lives to everyone who has suffered a loss.

Laurie

Marlena said:

Laurie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing his picture. I love that you added it. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom, but I am not sure that I do.

I remember the early months all too well. I felt like I was walking through the fog, not knowing where I was going or how I was getting there. I couldn't breathe most days; my heart ached for my life to be normal again. I can't say a whole lot has changed, I do still wish for my old normalcy. The ache is there, but it becomes somewhat manageable (I guess that is what I can call it).

The biggest thing I have tried to do is keep connected with Tom by keeping him present in our lives and honoring him in everything I do. It's good that you have a relationship with his family. Hold on tight to that. Being with them will be very hard at first, but you will get through it. I have found that the initial reaction to being with someone...friends or family...or going to someplace that was special for us...was difficult and very emotional. Each time it gets easier to bear. Let those emotions come, they are very healing. My family has been my strength. I am lucky to have 3 great kids and we are all trying to heal together.

You have made a very good first step by coming here and sharing your story. This is what has helped me tremendously. I have shared Tom with everyone. I want people to know him and know our story. I write on here and also on other grief sites, I started a memorial website for Tom, and I keep a journal for myself. It helps to get the feelings out.

If you have people close to you let them help you through this time. Lean on them for support. They really don't understand what you are going through unless they have lived it, but just having someone to listen helps.

As far as the firsts go, I planned something special on each day of our firsts. That way I had something to look forward to and something to occupy myself for the day. If you can make the something you plan all about Billy it will help you feel a connection to him. I have been to see an intuitive medium twice, now. That is how my girls, my mother-in-law and I spent yesterday...his Angel Day. I know not everyone feels comfortable with that idea, but for me the things she says and validations she gives me are very comforting. It all depends on how you feel about that kind of thing. I have also had days where all I wanted to do was "wallow" in my own self pity. That is allowed too. You need to do what is best for you to help you get through. Just don't let yourself wallow too long, you don't want to get stuck there and Billy wouldn't want you to either.

I also started taking classes online working toward a degree in medical administration. I have been a stay at home mom and a day care provider for the past 9 years. I decided that now that I have to become financially responsible for my family I have to do something that pays a little better than day care. It's the first decision I have made by myself in over 27 years. I always had Tom to bounce ideas off of, this time I was on my own, but it has been one of the best things for me. I have gained back a lot of the confidence I lost when I lost Tom.

I completely understand the wanting to be with Billy. That is all I wanted in the beginning. I wanted something to happen so that all of us would be together again...Tom, me, and our kids. I didn't want to leave them behind to feel this burden...we all needed to be together. I wished for that to happen and although that feeling is not as strong, I still would be ok with all of us being together. That is the goal. Everyday I wake up and know I am one day closer to being back with my love. I have always said I will not move on, but I will move forward because I have no other choice.

I'm not sure I shared anything worthwhile, but this is how I am making it through. Everday I still wake up and for a nano-second life is normal, then my reality sets in. I think I will always wish for my o

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on March 18, 2010 at 2:07am

Marlena, You survived the "firsts". Good for you! I know every "first" was tough. On the 26th will be Bo's 62 birthday, the 30th will make 7 months since he went home, and April 18th will be our 29th wedding anniversary. August 30th will make one year without my love. So you see, I have many "firsts" to make it through. I pray for strength everyday.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on March 18, 2010 at 9:44am

Marlena,
I went to the website that you have created for Tom. It is beautiful. Of course I cried all the way through. We all thought that we would grow old and crabby together, but it was not to be. You have survived the first set of "firsts" but I wonder if the "seconds" will be any easier. I know you are looking forward to your first grandchild...make it a wonderful day. I am so glad Larry was here to see our youngest grandson. He was Kylers first visitor. He was such a proud grandpa. He told me that Kyler was the most beautiful baby he had ever seen. I am just sad that Kyler will never know his Grandpa.
I know it has been a long hard year for you and your family. I just want to say that Tom would be awfully proud of all that you have accomplished...4.0 grade average...way to go.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 18, 2010 at 1:17pm

Marlena,
Congratulations on surviving! It sounds horrible to say but you have made it! My husband died Jan 19th,2009 at the age of 27...6 days short of my 28th birthday. I have had to go through big firsts all at once... not to mention having 2 kids age 3 and 2 now....2nds are not as rough... they still hurt...but with each day, it gets a little easier bc you know it didnt kill you the first time... somedays are harder than others but i have relented to the thought that unfortunately, i will always be a work in process. and i will never be "normal" again as a huge part of me died that morning. I remember asking my grandmother a week after my Shawn died.. when does it hurt to stop breathing? she is a widow of 12 years now... and she said never... she was so right... life goes on but it will never stop hurting to breathe without them. each day will get easier but there will always be something so small that can bring you to tears... all my love and blessings in the days ahead of you.

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