Hi Marian! I don't know what to say? Should I feel sorry for you or for myself? Normally I am a very religious person, but today I feel alone. After all isn't God the one who decided this to be my fate. People say it should get better (mostly these are the ones who don't know what is happening to me). People who went through it say that it doesn't really get better, you get used to it. I am writing this to you and crying for all of us who have to suffer this way. Yours in sorrow.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of nearly 27 years on November 15th, 2009 to diabetes. I also lost one of my twins about 15 years ago to asthma.
When my son died, I thought I would never recover. Every holiday during that first year was very, very difficult. I remember his next birthday, because I had to go to the toy store to get his twin brother his present. I never cried so hard when I saw his favorite toys.
Ever since November, it's been one thing after the next. First, there was the Thanksgiving holiday and my 24 year old (who is disabled and lives with me) went to my inlaws. It was unusually quiet because everyone had just went to his funeral and we were all edgy and had a loss for appropriate words. Then, during Christmas, I almost died (was on a ventilator myself) during Christmas, plus had to miss it with my son.
We barely survived that. My 24 year old became very suicidal and had to be hospitalized for a week! I thought I would lose my mind, especially because I didn't have my "right arm" anymore. My son fortunately was put on medication and that helped.
Next, it was January, and our anniversary. We had made plans, so I carried them out by myself. I went out to eat and went to a hotel. I also had to buy a dryer that he promised me he'd do. So, since then, it's been a little less festive. The last day that was sentimental was earlier this month, when my husband wasn't here to celebrate his 52nd birthday.
So, what I really wanted to tell you is this: It's very, very painful. I just try and look at it the way he wanted me to- he's in heaven. He's no longer hurting nor suffering because he was very sick. That helps me. And, I know once I get through the anniversary of his death, things will be a little better. The first year after you lose someone you love is the hardest in my opinion. And, your kids sound like they really love you, and you sound like you love them. They will welcome your support. I know it's hard, but eventually, you can move on and so can I.
I still count days; some days it hurts more; some days I remember everything he said and did in last couple of weeks.