Unsaid Good Bye's That Won't Let Us Rest.....

My husband has left me 18 weeks ago. By now I should accept it and move on. I have always thought of myself as very courageous person who can handle everything. But since Wednesday, Dec 23, 2009 4:35 p.m. I found out that I was very mistaken. Till now I can't accept that my husband has gone. I always say that he has left me, why? I always people who want to sympathize with me because that means accepting it. I often imagine myself in his shoes that how would I feel if somebody takes me away from my family without even letting me talk to them at least once. Letting me tell them that I love all of them and that I would never leave them alone willingly. When I think for him I just cry and cry. Am I feeling his pain or my pain? Would it have been easier to bear if he would have been sick for few days and we would have been emotionally prepared? Can anybody be ever prepared for something like this?

Recommend

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bc on May 1, 2010 at 11:21pm

We are never prepared for something like this, our best friend, husband passing away and leaving us to grieve. Unfortunately this heartbreak does not go away for a very long time. I re-live the day my husband suddenly died of a heart attack. It happened right by our house as he drove away. I still look down the driveway as I did when he left and I wish so bad that he will drive back in. I know he's gone, but part of me left that day also. I have to define a new identity now because the old me is gone. Yes, we cry and cry and that's good. I don't know who's pain we are feeling but I'm guessing its ours because our loved ones are in heaven wishing we would be happy again, but i don't see myself that happy again. I don't think its ever easy, prepared or not,but I can see that we all need each other and we will help each other. I am so glad I found this site because now I know I'm not going crazy, I'm not alone, I have all of you.

Barb

Permalink Reply by Deb on May 2, 2010 at 12:40am

Barb said:

We are never prepared for something like this, our best friend, husband passing away and leaving us to grieve. Unfortunately this heartbreak does not go away for a very long time. I re-live the day my husband suddenly died of a heart attack. It happened right by our house as he drove away. I still look down the driveway as I did when he left and I wish so bad that he will drive back in. I know he's gone, but part of me left that day also. I have to define a new identity now because the old me is gone. Yes, we cry and cry and that's good. I don't know who's pain we are feeling but I'm guessing its ours because our loved ones are in heaven wishing we would be happy again, but i don't see myself that happy again. I don't think its ever easy, prepared or not,but I can see that we all need each other and we will help each other. I am so glad I found this site because now I know I'm not going crazy, I'm not alone, I have all of you.

Barb

Barb,
You are so very right . . whether the loss be suddenly or come over a period of time, we are never prepared! My Junior died here in the apartment where we had lived for some months. Hospice had been here for about 3 weeks and we both knew that he was not going to get well. One of the hospice nurses told me the day before he died that "he was worried about me-I would need to give him permission to go". Somehow, I found the strength and right time to do that . . we both cried!! We both wished we had so many more years together, but were thankful for the time we had together. We were so in love -- yes, I would love to have him back, but not the way he was! I sat beside the bed holding his hand the night and morning that he passed away . . I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. He was my best friend, my confidante, my love, my everything!! I also don't ever see me being that happy again. I too am glad that I found this site. Thank God I have all of you, and also am not going crazy, as I feel I am, some days!!
Peace, love and hugs!
Deb

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on May 2, 2010 at 8:15am

Lois I know what you mean. Barry and I dated almopst 7 years and were married for almost 16 when he passed. From the day he passed away I have said that if God had told me the day of our wedding we only had 15 1/2 years together would have I still married him. My answer is a big YES. I loved him more than life. I loved him more ecah day we were together. After 24 years he still made me have chills inside when I heard he voice. When he called me on the phone which was everyday from work I would get this big smile on ny face. We had a great marriage and never fought. We have 2 great kids. We traveled alot but never got to hawaii I would have made sure we went there. I do not have a lot of regreats. Just very small ones like going to hawaii and a few other thigs we wanted to do. But we loved each other everyday like it could be our last. Just not knowing it would be. The one thing i would change if I could was not being in that intersection wher we had the car accident that started all his problems. I love Barry and always will.

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 3, 2010 at 2:36pm

Dear Hurting, I did not say 'goodbye' to my husband because even though I knew he was terribly ill, I did not believe that he was going to die. He had been through heart attacks after the doctors said he would never survive another heart attack, but he did. He had been through a heart transplant, a severe case of pneumonia where he was in ICU with a temperature of 105, but he came through. Neither I nor his cardiologist believed that he was not going to make it through this. Therefore, when the time came, I was totally not prepared. I didn't say goodbye because I didn't believe that it was goodbye. I don't know how I can forgive myself for making this mistake. I love him so very much and yet I am so angry with him for leaving me alone. Maybe I am foolish but at this point, I just can't help it. I go to the cemetary every day and I talk to him and before I leave I am crying and angry with him because he is there and I am not.

Permalink Reply by Joyce F. on May 4, 2010 at 9:06pm

No... I think that we are never prepared, if they are sick or in my case I just talked to my husband 1 hour before he died and he was at work about to get off for the day when I got a call telling me he passed out and he was trying to be revived...no I can't get pass the no good bye's.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on May 5, 2010 at 7:28pm

Hi Connie, I know how it feels, we all are feeling the same thing. Today it is 19 weeks for me and I am hurting so bad. Every week I am living through the same thing again and again. This is a never ending horrible nightmare. I wish I could say something to encourage you but I am sitting in the same boat.
Connie said:

Dear Hurting, I did not say 'goodbye' to my husband because even though I knew he was terribly ill, I did not believe that he was going to die. He had been through heart attacks after the doctors said he would never survive another heart attack, but he did. He had been through a heart transplant, a severe case of pneumonia where he was in ICU with a temperature of 105, but he came through. Neither I nor his cardiologist believed that he was not going to make it through this. Therefore, when the time came, I was totally not prepared. I didn't say goodbye because I didn't believe that it was goodbye. I don't know how I can forgive myself for making this mistake. I love him so very much and yet I am so angry with him for leaving me alone. Maybe I am foolish but at this point, I just can't help it. I go to the cemetary every day and I talk to him and before I leave I am crying and angry with him because he is there and I am not.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on May 5, 2010 at 7:31pm

With me I had talked with my husband two hours ago and he sounded fine. All of a sudden he is no more. He didn't even get a chance to feel or call for help. He used to get very upset if anybody left the house without telling him and saying bye to him. I can't understand why do we have different set of rules one for him and another for us. Why?

Joyce F. said:

No... I think that we are never prepared, if they are sick or in my case I just talked to my husband 1 hour before he died and he was at work about to get off for the day when I got a call telling me he passed out and he was trying to be revived...no I can't get pass the no good bye's.