July 17th was our anniversary.we would have been married 11years. i now have made it through one of the firsts. i was invited to go with a friend out of town to see her grandson. i was so thankful that i had something to do. i didnt want to sit at home and cry and feel sorry for myself.even though all day long all i could think about was the fact that my beloved isnt with me anymore. i want to thank barb for leaving me two messages, letting me know she was thinking about me and if i needed to talk i could call. that ment so much to me , words alone cannot express the appreciation i feel. i am so grateful to find a group of people that do understand and do care. i know that noone else that i come in contact with understands because they havent been through it. i have found one woman that has been through it and she does understand, but she also seems to be doing so much better than me. she called and said a prayer for me on the 17th. i appreciated that also.i will be burying my husbands ashes on july 28th and i am thinking that will be hard on me. but it is what he wanted and i have to keep remembering that. i wanted to play my cd that my step daughter made for my husbands memorial service, but i just cant seem to bring myself to watch it. it still hurts so bad for me to look at pictures of my husband. i have some photos that were taken in christmas of 2008, that i just recently got developed.i did look at them, but it was so hard, because we were so happy and had no idea that 14 months later he would be gone.i just want this pain to end and i would give anything to feel normal again.will that ever happen, i really dont know. i am just trying to trust in God and have faith that the big picture that he is seeing is much better than i can possible imagine.please know that i want to be here for anyone that i can possible try to help.God Bless you all.

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Replies to This Discussion

Cindy, I'm so glad that Saturday went well for you. I'm also glad to know you are ok, I was worried when I couldn't reach you. You should be thankful that your friend got you out of town on that day. It does help to have others to talk to that really understand what we are going through. I went to my first grief support group tonite, expecting the worst and I was very comfortable, for the first time in almost a year. It was a small group (5 of us) in a very comfortable living room setting and just talked. These people have been through it, and are still going through it, and gave me some good advice. Of course, this is only the beginning, I've got alot more to go through and alot more help to get. I'm in the process of interviewing some therapists because I know I need that also to deal with my clinical depression. I know this will never go away, but hopefully Brad will help me survive as he always did when we were together. I will never feel normal again, I know and the hardest part will be trying to go from "we" to "I". That day may never come as I still feel married and most likely always will. When I see Brad again someday we will then be together forever and never have to say good bye again. Until then, I know I have to make him proud of me and try to get through this, I know he is helping me, watching over me as all of our loved ones are. Hope we get to talk sometime soon, but the main thing is now I know you made it through Saturday ok...baby steps & lots of hugs!
Love you,
Barb
You got through your First First!!!As I found out the anticipation is usually worse than the actual event!Although Xmas WAS horrible!Dr.Brothers suggested changing it up a bit.I'll have to try that this year.Glad you have some one to take you out.Your loss is still new.Don't expect normal any time soon.I think we set ourselves up for disappointment when things aren't NORMAL.I'll be thinking of you on the 28th.Peace!
Hi Cindy,
First of all I want to say that I feel your pain 100%, my husband just passed on June 6th 2010, and my husband was killed right in front of me, I had my hand on his stomach when he passed. I have to re-live that day over and over, it is by God's Grace and his Mercy that I can even speak or write about it. I have my really bad days where I want to loose it, but what will that do for anybody, my husband'd name was Paul , we were high school sweethearts, we started dating when I was 15 and he was 17, we have 2 grown children and 7 grandkids. I'm 45 now and he was 47, 31 yrs gone, our anniversary was July 18th, that was a hard day for me as well, I just can't believe he is gone, everyday is a challenge, but I've had to realize more than ever before that God is a keeper, he will truly keep us if we let him, he is a present help in time of need. I miss that man so much my heart aches for him, he was my first and only love, I can't even imagine another man touching me!!!! My whole family and a lot of people we know are grieving very hard for him. I just want to encourage you to stay prayed up and get into some type of prayer circle with some true woman of God, I pray for you that God will raise up some strong prayer partners to stand in the gap for you, and please don't think that you are the only one who is not doing that well, it's ok to feel horrible on some days. I profess the goodness of God so much that my mission in life is to prove to those that know me that God is real and he will help us through any storms that we face, if he brings us to it, he will bring us through it. Be Blessed my sista, Luv u
Sherry
Hi Cindy,
I am so sorry that you are going through such sadness. Every day, be it a special one, or one that brings back memories of the past will be and are difficult. This site helps me that I can share my deepest feelings and if it were not for God carrying me through this, I would be even worse than I am, for I cannot carry myself. I always remember you in my prayers and I will continue to. I am glad you got through the day of your anniversary and I pray that God strengthens and comforts you.
God bless,
Suzanne
Barb said:
Cindy, I'm so glad that Saturday went well for you. I'm also glad to know you are ok, I was worried when I couldn't reach you. You should be thankful that your friend got you out of town on that day. It does help to have others to talk to that really understand what we are going through. I went to my first grief support group tonite, expecting the worst and I was very comfortable, for the first time in almost a year. It was a small group (5 of us) in a very comfortable living room setting and just talked. These people have been through it, and are still going through it, and gave me some good advice. Of course, this is only the beginning, I've got alot more to go through and alot more help to get. I'm in the process of interviewing some therapists because I know I need that also to deal with my clinical depression. I know this will never go away, but hopefully Brad will help me survive as he always did when we were together. I will never feel normal again, I know and the hardest part will be trying to go from "we" to "I". That day may never come as I still feel married and most likely always will. When I see Brad again someday we will then be together forever and never have to say good bye again. Until then, I know I have to make him proud of me and try to get through this, I know he is helping me, watching over me as all of our loved ones are. Hope we get to talk sometime soon, but the main thing is now I know you made it through Saturday ok...baby steps & lots of hugs!
Love you,
Barb
barb,
i am glad you enjoyed your grieve group.i have been going to one off and on but am not getting as much out of it as i would like. i am going to look for other avenues of help. i am so desperately depressed that i might need to check into a grief counselor. i dont really know what i need, i am just so terrible lonely. i have even thought about looking into getting a second job, so i wouldnt have so much free time on my hands. of course i could use the money also. i wish i had some answers but noone seems to be able to give me any advice. i dont have alot of friends, and that makes it hard, even my family is very small. i need to get out and try to meet people i guess but dont even know how to go about doing that. i guess it was really stupid of me to have allowed myself to become so codependent on my husband but i really thought we would grow old together. can anyone relate to that????
I totally relate with that. We had family and are close to our daughters but we were always one anothers best friend and just didn't have the need to have any other friends. I suppose it would help if we had but it just wasn't us. I feel sort of bad trying to create a social life at this point. Well I feel bad anyway and I don't think I am very social at the best of times. I do plan to attend a grief support group but the group that meets at night is for young widows, that is definitely not me. I work and have a lot of clients so day time group doesn't work either. Checking around for something else, may have to start one. We'll see. But I do relate and sometimes I just get out and drive around because I can not stay in the house for another minute with Tim not here. Still feels not real after six months.


CINDY POWELL said:
barb,
i am glad you enjoyed your grieve group.i have been going to one off and on but am not getting as much out of it as i would like. i am going to look for other avenues of help. i am so desperately depressed that i might need to check into a grief counselor. i dont really know what i need, i am just so terrible lonely. i have even thought about looking into getting a second job, so i wouldnt have so much free time on my hands. of course i could use the money also. i wish i had some answers but noone seems to be able to give me any advice. i dont have alot of friends, and that makes it hard, even my family is very small. i need to get out and try to meet people i guess but dont even know how to go about doing that. i guess it was really stupid of me to have allowed myself to become so codependent on my husband but i really thought we would grow old together. can anyone relate to that????
Cindy,Yes I can relate.We got married,raised our kids,got them out of the house.Now we were back to us.We did things together and for each other.Now what?I'm a nurse and I've worked with the sick and dying.Never and I mean never did I envision life without him.How stupid am I?He worked everyday,just complained of the everyday aches and pains.Complained when I bought 2% milk instead of whole milk!Then went out and bought chicken tenders and french fries everyday!We were robbed of our futures!Our retirement,Easy Street!That is not going to happen!Thank God I had gone back to school otherwise I would really be lost.I have 2 true friends and of the 350 people that attended his service,about 3 stay in touch.Lonely?H-LL YES!!!I try to stay busy all the time,so at bedtime I have no trouble sleeping!I have my mother here with me,so I'm pretty much house bound except for the 2 days a week I work.Thank god for this site,it's my only sanity.Good luck,we're all struggling.
Cindy, I can relate to that. After 44 years and LouAnn is gone.Its been 17 months and I havent got over it. She was my pal too. I too became dependant upon her and have tried support groups, Doesnt help. Hang in there, we all have the same symptons. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

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