It`s been a little over 2 years since my husband John died from lung cancer. Needless to say it has been a difficult journey but all in all I have done relatively pretty good. I have had to force myself to try to regain some semblence of my former self although I will never be the same person. I am a much stronger person thanks to my faith in God and the knowledge that some day John and I will be together again.

But last night I had the most vivid dream about him that has left me feeling like I did in the very beginning of this journey. I dreamed he was diagnosed with some kind of illness which the doctor informed me could take him at any moment. I felt so helpless and was running around looking for phone numbers to call friends and family but couldn`t find my address book and could actually feel the feeling of panic. He was so calm in this dream and was actually smiling while I was just becoming unglued. I woke up and realized it was just a dream and yes he was already gone for real.

I guess I am writing this to let everyone know that even though life does go on, the trauma of everything we have all been though never really goes away. The feelings of loss and helplessness are always there in the back of our minds and the love we feel will never die. Thank you all for lending an ear and I wish you all the best.

Tracie:) 

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Thanks for sharing Tracie.  Dave has been gone for almost 15 months now, and I still have not had a dream about him.  Still, as I reinvent my self, I come up against stumbling blocks that knock me for a loop.  I am not down as long as I was a year ago, so that is good.  It was definately a traumatic experience for me, and the after effects came in waves for months.  I wish you the best too.!

Dear Tracie.  My husband (John also), died of colon cancer 18 months ago.  I understand completely what you are saying.  I have not experienced that kind of dream though, but in other ways I think for myself, the trauma does come back, when you least expect it.  All the scenes at times play out, although I think our brains have a built in wall of protection that helps us to remember the good and loving things we had in our lives and learn to live with those in our hearts.  I think of a comparison of carrying a child, having labor, perhaps issues, the pain of childbirth, but then the overwhelming love and joy of a new life, and those painful memories dull because we go on to have more children.  Our loved ones live in our hearts, in our special places, and I do feel they try to protect us from all the pain their leaving us has caused.

For us, we have to face the life  we have now and try to embrace it, for we are still loved by others and they need us, and we need them.

 

Take good care,

Carol:)

 Tracie .... what a wonderful post and thank you for sharing and it has given me some insight when I most needed it.  My husband Ernie passed away 10 months ago from pancreatic cancer and I was not there when he did pass which has haunted me off and on.  I too am trying to find 'me' in this jumble of a life I now face like all of us on this forum and it is not an easy task.  I am a Christian, but have to openly admit I am somewhat angry that Ernie had to go far too young and took a piece of my heart with him and I struggle to try and have faith in God.  Since Ernie was an Agnostic and I a Christian I don't know what to make of it all.  I know my Ernie is gone forever and have known this for several months and it makes me feel so over-whelmed as I am sure it makes all of us. 

 

Yes, life goes on; we have to pay bills; put one foot in front of the other and hang on tight for an unknown journey we all must take alone because we have to build up our own strength.  No, the trauma never really goes away, but, in time it will fade to a more peaceful time for each one of us.  Helplessness and the great feelings of loss sometimes makes myself at least feel old; unsure of myself and will I get through another day and yes, we all do get through another day.  I made a promise to Ernie to 'let go' and not worry about me and I have been fighting hard to keep that promise to him.

 

Thank you!  Your post got me thinking once again (with the little brain cells I have left.)  Ha, ha.

 

Big hugs to you and all

 

Marcy

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