Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

Related articles:
Are There Actual Stages of Grief?
The Grief of Sibling Survivors
Running Through the Pain
Family Reorganization After a Loss
After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do
The Value of Reminiscing
What to Say: Rocky Relationships

Views: 10105

Replies to This Discussion

THANK YOU!!!  That means so very very much to me!!  That yuo understand and took the time to tell me...So much to deal with...such a hard time of year.  But yes,  I am so thankful for the time we DID have.  Thank you for pointing these things out to me!  It's hard to focus on the positive sometimes so we need those who truly understand,  and who can redirect our thoughts,  without being preachy or judgemental.  It's so nice to hear "it's ok to be sad".  So many say..."it's time for you to move on",  or "shouldn't you be over that by now?".  I am so glad I have this place and you guys to help me through this!!  Just sorry we all have to be here at all.  But that is what life is about.  Not what happens to us,  but how we deal with it.  I am still learning...hope to always still be learning :-)  And you are good teachers...everyone here.  THANK YOU!!  River of Tears...thank you!  Your friend...Effie

River of Tears said:
Dear Effie, Someone does care ... and it is ok to feel sad.

A beautifully written letter of the love you have deep inside of you .

Your love for your brother as many brought me to tears , the love never leaves us not matter how many years that will pass or days of pain .

We seem to be so fortunate to have had this blessing in life of a brother or sister. For myself a sister that I will miss for ever and will feel each day the pain ., As we both loved each other as sisters and freinds in life .

You will always have someone here even if just listen .. as for each and all

Brothers and Sisters are turly apart of who we are , how can we not feel what we do and have loved the way we had and still do . This for me is the only given in grief .

Please take care

It really helps me to hear other people's stories and how they feel the have coped with the loss of their brother or sister. My brother died 3 years ago in june when a tree fell on his car. He was 18 and i was 17. He is honestly my best friend, that one person you can always count on. He wasn't perfect but he was my brother, and in spite of our closeness in age he was also kind of my father figure. When he died, i felt lost. Completely hopeless. I am not an outwardly emotional person and i too was told that crying is bad. Two years later i thought i had dealt with his death and could handle it, but now i am feeling lost without him again. I just turned 20 and i am looking to move away and go to university and start my "adult" life. But i don't know what to do and i feel horrible moving on when he's not here.

It's just proof that the grieving process comes in waves and you can never, ever truly get over the loss of someone so close. Sometimes big changes in your life can stir up some repressed sadness and you have to deal all over again.

So here's to everyone who has lost a brother or sister and is trying to put their life back together.

Dear Sarah H , I am sorry for the loss of you Brother as you said also you best friend as I had with my dear Sister .

I was just thinking about what you shared , "the waves" goodness they do come,and at times greater then I even expect them to come. I am not sure if it is because I hold so much in or it is just what it is . At times it seems almost over whelming . Sometimes needing to talk to a friend , yet when I just did again then walk away or jump the conversation . One of the parts of all of this is the passing of my Sister , they may start the conversation yet cut it off that quick . As though it is a remote control flipping from station to station . Not hearing a word you are saying . I have never admitted that I have been sad about anything yet maybe now I am ,I did not want to know that they was more of a death to this all , where at times others may not either know what to say or just truly not care . Those you thought that would . Will hug you for other reasons, not for just to let you know that its ok . It is strange to me that I find that I do or had expectations in this when before I never thought I asked for anything in my life . My Sister used to try to tell me you do not have to like everything about someone , just appreciate that things you see that are good . She saw good in everything, even me .

My Sister , my best friend will never take that road trip we hoped to take again or drive to see Mom and Dad . Yet now they will have the time all together up in heaven . If this is the solace to this pain

Trust will be very difficult to find if ever for she and I held the key for each other . All it took was for us to love each other completely and accept each other for who we were . Its easy when you love someone as I did ,she was more then "my sister she was my best friend . " too as you with your brother . Life does bless us with gifts doesnt it . ?


Please take care
Great letters guys...I read them both.  There certainly are waves...My brother died four years ago on April 28th in a car wreck.  He was also my best friend,  and like my dad,  my family.  He was my only sibling.  He was 31 when he passed and I am now 41.  I am doing pretty well and life is getting better but this month,  has been HARD.  Like it happened yesterday kind of...I was telling his widow,  who is about to have her third child with her new fiance,  who we LOVE,  that as much as it feels better to get "used to" him being gone,  him being gone is the LAST thing I want to get used to.  So it will forever be a double edged sword.  Although I had a medical scare last week and some thoughts flashed through my head and one of them was "As much as I miss you Alex I am NOT ready to come hang out with you just yet!".  Which for me,  is a turning point.  I am confident I will be with him again...someday.  And I want to experience and enjoy the time I have here with my kids,  my fiance and my animal friends.  I love life and being alive.  Sounds so simple but I have not always felt this way in the last four years.  It's so comforting to come here and see the words you all have written and know you know exactly how I feel,  and v/v.  I can come here and tell you the same things over and over and it's as important the 5th time as it is the 1st.  It is a blessing that has helped me so many dark days.  Thinking of you all and know you are never alone.  And we will be with them abgain one day...and they love us from across the veil.  I sense that strongly.  LOVE to all!!!
Dear Effie , Just happen to be still on the computer since it is a gloomy day .. Ones so reflective of those last spent with my sister until that last moment she left and the the sun come out . So to say the gloom is sort of not a great thing is an understatement not only probably where the all my thoughts go back to .
Thank you for sharing , I have read what you have shared in the past and as many there seems to be this Brother Sister hood that seems to connect us all . In how we all were so lucky to have those were had are able to still love to this day if not only our hearts. As you I mentioned I often think about how I just repeated something that I probably or know that I just wrote more then once . Yet all of you here have been such a warm and welcoming part of such a painful road that we are now on each in our own separate ways yet all tied some how with the love we had and have for the ones were in our lives.

I do hope you are OK , in the scare you mentioned . Your humor seems to ease at least a bit of what we are worried about for you .

When you share of your Brothers widow now almost to have a new baby as she is to be married so too , this you do not hear of often that families are able to maintain what was as the pain is to deep or the connection was never really there . Yet with your family you have this , a beautiful testament to that type of love you all share .


I was wondering for you and many as the day now approaches for you in the day of the passing of your brother is this a day that is has held weight or is just like any other as for me I have yet met this date and all the days seem the same .

Though as said now when I do see the sun out above it is as it is her as this to me was a sign or at least I hoped it to be . That she was in heaven and was OK . So now when the sun is out then so comforts me . Yet on the dark and gloomy days well... I know she is still there I just don't know quit where I am with it all . Sort of loose my partnership I guess for she and I were there for each other no matter where or when in our lives . Why now it feels so dark , maybe I know that I cant just jump on a plane or get down to see her or even sit on the phone talking about all that went on this week . All the silly and things that sisters or brothers may talk about but it truly was some of the best times spent .


I wish for you all the best .. thank you for sharing. It truly touches many hearts just knowing how others so appreciated their siblings . As they are the best to walk beside in life with .

Take care
I was wondering if others have felt or are feeling such a great deal of loss of " trust " now also. Maybe it is that my Sister and I were like two peas in a pod as they say where we could share anything good or bad in our lives since childhood without a fear that it would ever go beyond to anyone else. Always with understanding a listening ear , a time to have a voice in what ever was happening in ones life .

There is the added guilt I have that I did not hold up my trust in what I had promised her as so often written before . I must be in one of those deep waves of sort right now thinking allot of could , should haves , and darn what I did not do !!! To keep her here .

Yet nothing I think about now will ever bring her back .


I promised her .. this was a trust she had in me .. so why am I now thinking that there is no trust in life . Maybe I know that I failed terribly

I have spoken of having a voice before in what ever it may be , if it here to share what ever pain or sorrow . Or even as many do not believe or have in life a voice that is heard , I do not feel hers was and when to speak for her neither was mine . Both speaking aloud of what she wanted in life . Yet why did no one hear us .?? Seems so familiar to how it was long before the final days when thought that we may not know better or do what was right . Yet did they know that it was her life to live as long as she wanted and not for others to choose when it was to end even if they did not want to see the struggle that felt it may be , they never were around to begin with . So why was their voice heard beyond ours. Or mine when it truly mattered . All I can say now is I will not ever trust myself to be there for another as promised to my sister as I so failed . I will do and try in all efforts to be there for anyone yet I know that I will not be able to fulfill what they may need or had asked me to promise them to do .

Maybe this is why there is not trust it starts with me . as I can not even trust myself in life to know who to be with how to respond or what to give anymore for the fear of failing.

Seems at times I must have this"duffus" stamp marked on my head as so many run to me and I so try and yet tell me so directly that I am failing or that I am not doing what I should be doing .

How do you know .. this wave must be a big one because it has really be taking me for a ride . How to say your sorry to you best friend you sister who so trusted you to do what she wanted or needed .

I failed.

To leave this on a better note then in the deep of the ocean ,I always knew my Sister was and Angel , well she is back were she came from and now can be " safe from me " sorry .. I tried to leave it on a high note ... but it is really tough at times ... I miss her so much !!


Always and Forever to you in heaven .. I love you .

Maybe this is why I come here , when the waves get so high and difficult on days there is always a life jacket close by just in what I read ...


May today be a day of special memories of the love we all were so blessed with and still will have in our hearts.

Dear River,

 

If you can continue to look at life the way you do...and ride the waves until one day it's your time to reach the "shore",  you will have a full and meaningful ride!!  You are doing all the right things and I suspect you also did in life,  as far as your sister was concerned. If you saw this all through her eyes,  you'd not be so hard on your self today :-)

 

As I read your post I thought immediately of a show I watched yesterday in PBS called Independent Lens.  This one was about Sheiks in Arizona who's extended family were the victims of racial violence after 9/11.  He lost two of his brothers,  who were taxi drivers,  shoot senselessly and really took it's toll on this family.  Towards the end,  after the man who did it was convicted,  the guy said he had a vivid dream and one of his brothers,  his closest,  came to him and told him "I am ok,  I am happy where I am now.  You need to enjoy your life and move forward..."  And when he woke up he told his wife that is what they needed to do,  and they are doing that.  Then he said,  "So it has become a part of my life,  there is always going to be good and there will be bad.  That is the nature of life.  It is just another part of me,  but not all of me.". 

 

I don't want to sound like I am telling you how to feel or at what pace...Just offering this perspective I was given recently that may give you a future place to rest on your journey from here to there.  It was interesting to see him go from deep grief and despair to a place of acceptance.  I think it has something to do with allowing his brother(s) to have their own experience and not making it his experience.  To accept that it was their path and their life,  and he has his own and has to live it regardless.  So he integrated the experience into his life,  into his "self",  and let it be.  That is where I am kind of after 4 years. 

 

I have also gotten the strong strong feeling that he still exists and he is with me sometimes.  I feel like he has an effect on my life now,  from the other side.  I spoke to my sister in law,  his widow,  the other day and she feels the same way.  He has a lot to do with where we are in our lives now.  He has helped bring us to a much better place.  Like he put us in the right places,  put us in the path of the right people,  showed us things we may not have otherwise seen,  so we saw the choices and made the right ones.  She said, "if someone had told me I would be happy,  pregnant and engaged to a wonderful man,  four years ago,  I NEVER would have believed it!".  And I feel the same way.  I could not see this day from where I was 4 years ago,  or even one year ago. 

 

I felt guilty and part of me always will,  that I was not there to hold his hand when he passed on.  My brother Alex died alone in a field far from home.  thrown from his truck.  No one that loved him was there.  He left this world alone.  And ME,  his big sister,  his only sibling,  was not there!!  I was not there for him when he needed me most.  BUT,  HE reminds me,  it wasn't about me.  It was HIS passing,  and if I was meant to be a part of that,  if any of us were,  we would have been.  I know if you said these things to your sister,  how guilty you feel,  she would say "Are you kidding?  This wasn't your decision and you are not me."  She would hug you and tell you to go out and live while you can.  She is free and happy and at peace now and she wants the same for you. 

 

And you,  just like the man in the episode of Independent Lens,  will come to a place where it becomes a part of who you are but not all of who you are.  It will not define you.  You,  will define you.  It just takes time,  to figure out who you are and how to be,  without her here in person.  It doesn't mean you have to figure out how to be here without her at all.  She is here.  She watches over you.  She will be here for you until you are ready for her to move on.  She has things to do there.  And you have things to do here.  But she is never far away and you are never alone.  And in the blink of a universal eye,  she will be there when you come to the shore.  It's over so fast,  for all of us.  Value being here as much as she values being there.  Talk to her about it and she will answer you.  Always look for signs.  They are everywhere. 

 

Actually,  go to this site...http://www.signsfromourlovedones.com/

 

LOVE

 

And with all of my words I ddidn't say...Yes,  TRUST is hard after a trauma like this.  Yes,  it takes time to trust again.  I will never have with anyone what i had with Alex.  That kind of trust,  sibling trust,  is gone for me.  He was my only sibling.  BUT,  my best friends,  my fiance, they are my family now and all of the trust I have I give to them.  I do not "trust" that nothing bad will ever happen or someone or something will never be taken away again.  I fully understand the fragile nature of life now.  BUt in that,  I appreciate it more now than I ever have.  Or would ever have unless Alex had died.  So who knows...it's all a learning experience.  I am still learning.  But yes,  trust is hard,  but if you have a few good people you can feel safe with,  even if it isn't the same,  it's necessary and important for you to have.  LOVE

River of Tears said:
I was wondering if others have felt or are feeling such a great deal of loss of " trust " now also. Maybe it is that my Sister and I were like two peas in a pod as they say where we could share anything good or bad in our lives since childhood without a fear that it would ever go beyond to anyone else. Always with understanding a listening ear , a time to have a voice in what ever was happening in ones life .

There is the added guilt I have that I did not hold up my trust in what I had promised her as so often written before . I must be in one of those deep waves of sort right now thinking allot of could , should haves , and darn what I did not do !!! To keep her here .

Yet nothing I think about now will ever bring her back .


I promised her .. this was a trust she had in me .. so why am I now thinking that there is no trust in life . Maybe I know that I failed terribly

I have spoken of having a voice before in what ever it may be , if it here to share what ever pain or sorrow . Or even as many do not believe or have in life a voice that is heard , I do not feel hers was and when to speak for her neither was mine . Both speaking aloud of what she wanted in life . Yet why did no one hear us .?? Seems so familiar to how it was long before the final days when thought that we may not know better or do what was right . Yet did they know that it was her life to live as long as she wanted and not for others to choose when it was to end even if they did not want to see the struggle that felt it may be , they never were around to begin with . So why was their voice heard beyond ours. Or mine when it truly mattered . All I can say now is I will not ever trust myself to be there for another as promised to my sister as I so failed . I will do and try in all efforts to be there for anyone yet I know that I will not be able to fulfill what they may need or had asked me to promise them to do .

Maybe this is why there is not trust it starts with me . as I can not even trust myself in life to know who to be with how to respond or what to give anymore for the fear of failing.

Seems at times I must have this"duffus" stamp marked on my head as so many run to me and I so try and yet tell me so directly that I am failing or that I am not doing what I should be doing .

How do you know .. this wave must be a big one because it has really be taking me for a ride . How to say your sorry to you best friend you sister who so trusted you to do what she wanted or needed .

I failed.

To leave this on a better note then in the deep of the ocean ,I always knew my Sister was and Angel , well she is back were she came from and now can be " safe from me " sorry .. I tried to leave it on a high note ... but it is really tough at times ... I miss her so much !!


Always and Forever to you in heaven .. I love you .

Maybe this is why I come here , when the waves get so high and difficult on days there is always a life jacket close by just in what I read ...


May today be a day of special memories of the love we all were so blessed with and still will have in our hearts.
Happy birthday to my big Brother, Allen Ray, I have never stopped thinking of you or loving you. You probably already know but our Mama is up in heaven with you, our favorite uncle Albert and our Fantastic Grandpa. Ray I need some help from you,Albert and Grandpa. I may not say this right or maybe out of order but I will try my best.

As you know Mama passed on 7 30 2010. I found out the middle of Oct 2010. Our sister stole Mama after James (our wonderful step father. He made Mama so happy youi would have been happy for Mama also) the last time I say Mama was the day of James' memorial. Our sister did not come for Mama just like she did not come to yours. Our sister Kay took Mama and I was never allowed to see or speak speak with her again. Ray I tried. I called sent cards letters called David Lee nothing.

I'm sure you know this already. Please tell Mama how much I moss her how much I love her. I have already tried to commit suicide 4 times trying to join her. Not being allowed to be with Mama, her dying, I was never told, I don't know where She is so I can talk with her.

Ray, I can't live without Mama. Not the way it happened. I'm going to join you all as soon as I can. Everyone keeps stopping me and yet they do nothing after.

Ray I have most wonderful grandson. He just turned 14. I think you would love him. He is so great. My dtr, his mother has beewn so mean and mistreated him and me. I have raised him til just a little ago. She took my boy away from me. I have not had any contact with him in about 18 mths

This is too much for me. I'm now all alone. Please explain to Mama. I pray to her and you every day. I miss you all so much. My heart is in a million pieces. No way to mend.

I LOVE you.
Dear Effie, I so tried to click on the reply but it seems even this I can not do these days .. goodness some days are not the best but if that is the worst of it all then I think any of would be pretty good with the depth of what the pain that grief carries and often in life with many feelings they never come alone about just what is , it may bring along with it all of what I was speaking of which you brought such comfort to me that I had to read it twice as my eyes were so welled up with tears that first time I had to go back . To know that this is far reaching then just for what you responded for me it will I know go far beyond to others. Which is the wonder of this all . In that you have touched many lives .

If to say these days I have to have a box of Kleenex in every room you would be right and it would be behoove all of you to probably buy stock in the company in just what I use . If not for the grabbing of the roll or TP when not having a box of Kleenex handy problem is it does roll away . Yet the tears seem to now want to flow more then before . Is it because of all of you and your kind words I would say yes . The words Effie that you offer I need to come prepared just thinking about you loving family and your dear brother this is all it takes.
I would hope that one day that I can find some kind of settlement at least between my thoughts and feelings of the guilt of not do all I so wished to for my Sister . This is unknown yet though I never thought I could even make it one day with out her . As we both never thought we could make it the days after our parents passed just months before she did . So here I still am on this path the journey . hoping that if anything I will do something good in my life , not for myself but for someone else. Maybe to continue that legacy that all had left if only I can with there love as my guide .


Thank you for the life jacket and the what you offer us all
It seems at times one needs to hold the candle and throw in the life jacket and at times some of you like yourself do both .

Your brother if not said enough was truly blessed to have such a loving and giving Sister as to each of you to say that too as it is not maybe not often said to you often enough for you to know that you did make a difference in their lives With out each of you where would have been that special love you could only give to them that they could carry with them to heaven when they left .
I was thinging of you today Ray. I miss you so much. How long does it take to be able to Cope or accept the loss. First was Grandpa then Uncle Albert then you and finally Our Mama. Ray help me.

You were only 37. I guess you could say I held it together for Mama. 2 years after you left I fell apart the year I turned 37. I was so afraid. When we were growing up I always got everything that happened to you.

Please help me Ray. I need you. I protected you for over 10 yrs. Help me now

I miss you. I love you. My love for you will never die

You baby sister.

A journey not easily traveled by anyone , not one any of us thought it would be . Even if to think about it one day if it to happen . If is far greater then even I thought it to be .

Yet to seek the memories of all the blessings the joy and love had . To know that I as given in my life time to have a wonderful sister as I had . She was to young by age to pass but who is to say . As I  Feel old now just these last few months ,yet a life now with out her and my mother and father who all left at once is almost a shock to me who thinks herself brave and courageous if fighting or another or a cause . Yet this more what many see on the outside then really what is going on behind the smile .  Yet to take any moment not to just think of all the good that I had , yes it brings many tears but you know it is better then what I had . That dark and deep lost feeling with out a direction or path . At least to look to the days of what I had with her and them at least I can say if that my life as better then it could have .    Joy in just thinking of them all as they were all the grace of the day . As they seemed to be put on this earth for a purpose , one that many may have not know or even paid attention to . But for me it was more the obvious it was to teach that there is a love that truly has meaning more then just to say the word. It was what they did and said each and everyday for everyone that they saw . As they never stopped in helping another or opening the arms to whom ever was in need .  This who they were .  Love and laughter would fill the days as we would joke about yesterdays silly things we did or even looked like ( Something I never grew out of yet just an older version how lucky am I ) yet to laugh at that even was something we all could find pleasure in as what it was just being with each other for that moment in time .   The time did come to and end , far sooner then I ever wanted yet to ask me they would never leave .  Yet how do I know that there was a reason more then I they needed to go or that I am here alone , if to find this reason it would bring comfort only to know. that I did not let them down .   But again as said this journey for all is not an easy one no matter the depth or darkness each face .  What is the grace in all of this is that we all had a chance to be with those who were truly wonderful even if for awhile . At least to say this is what I can hold close to my heart as the days and nights are now the same .    I was blessed in life to have my sister as my mother and father too .. All left for heaven at the  same time was it for a reason or am I  not to know this know only to find the wisdom in all this in time as my journey continues

 

 

May we all be able to hold wonderful memories of our loved ones close in those dark and deep pain days as maybe these are the gifts that left for us so that it would bring us ease .   As they loved us then they will love us now as I know my love will be forever  for my sister and my parents

 

My Sister was my Best Friend in life one you will never find again as a sister can never be replaced not a friend in  life can be either .  She was walked by myside since birth as now I walk alone .  A world much different then ever known .  Yet some how I feel her right by my side . As she and I always were before .

 They say we can not choose are family well if we could I would have picked them any way as they were the only ones in life I would ..  Must be a reason why we are familys and who we are blessed to have .

                        

RSS

Latest Conversations

Robert Pulliam updated their profile
Friday
Profile IconRobert Pulliam and Michelle Roman joined LegacyConnect
Friday
Profile IconKaren Miles, Crystal Mckenna, Le Anne Steinberg and 1 more joined LegacyConnect
May 10
Carol Succarotte Daniels is now a member of LegacyConnect
May 5

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2021   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service