I am new and lost

I lost the finest man I have ever known on July 15, 2015. He battled bile duct cancer with courage and grace, but lost his battle, quietly, surrounded by myself and my two children, at home. We took care of him in his final days and I am so glad we were able to give him that gift.

Now, as I look around my house, I cannot believe that everything he loved, everything he took care of, including me, are just left here to struggle without him. He was strong and kind and loved taking care of his family and his home.

I am so lost. I have wonderful children, who do everything they can to make me feel better and sometimes they succeed. But you see, Tom and I were just so happy. We loved to be together. I never had a need for a girls weekend or even a girls night. I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me. His last words were "I want to see my wife."

How am I going to live the rest of these long days without the love of my life?

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Permalink Reply by janeo on August 4, 2015 at 11:45pm

Colleen, I'm so sorry for your loss and sending lot's of prayers your way. Please post anything you feel it helps to talk to people who understand your pain and loss. This is the best site to do that.

Permalink Reply by colleen kingeter on August 5, 2015 at 3:34pm

Every "new" thing brings tears - even the smallest of things. I have no idea how I will go in to so many restaurants, stores, etc. without embarrassing myself. Any hints?

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on August 6, 2015 at 12:53pm

Just don't try to do anything before you feel ready. I remember after my husband first died feeling like everyone was staring and pointing at me just in the supermarket even though they probably weren't. But then I went to back to school night for my daughter and I came home in tears feeling like I had a sign on my back that said "Yes--this is the girl who's husband just got killed"! Then my daughter said that's how she felt when she first went back to school too. Time makes that stuff easier to bear, but there are always places that bring memories that make it difficult to go back to--even simple ones. My kids and I went somewhere completely different our first summer for a week instead of what we all used to do, and we went away for the holidays. I find it easier to change some of the traditions that are just too fondly remembered and cherish what they were but do some things differently now. Everything is still so recent for you--try going into different stores and restaurants, maybe places without memories attached. As time goes on you will know when you are ready to go somewhere that right now you find challenging. Only you will know--don't listen to anyone else! Take care, Love Terry

Permalink Reply by colleen kingeter on August 6, 2015 at 2:04pm

I am trying to forget about the pending holidays for now - and yes, I would love to go away... but I have an elderly father that I cannot leave. But we will surely do something different. My Tom loved the holidays and loved decorating and entertaining. He loved life.....

Its funny, I can feel so strong one minute and the next I want to go home and pull the covers over my head. I talk to his picture constantly.

We were one of many couples in a lovely group of people and I am avoiding doing anything with those couples - even though they love me and want to be there for me - I cannot be with couples right now.... I feel selfish but I just don't want to do it. And I am close to these people - we vacationed, went out to dinner, etc. Will I ever not resent my friends who are sitting next to the husbands?

Permalink Reply by Karen Pierangeli on August 6, 2015 at 2:22pm

All of these things sound familiar. I distinctly remember going to Trader Joe's about 2 weeks after my husband died and how odd it felt but still normal.

I find I feel some of the same resentment toward our "couple friends". We have 2 couples that we did so many things with. Our kids grew up together. My husband died on March 14; my birthday is in June and they wanted to make it special for me. I picked a new restaurant for us to try, we had a lovely, relaxing dinner. But after I got home I was so overcome with sadness that I was not going home with my husband and they were. I'm sure these feelings will subside, with time as these are such good friends who were there for both of us through it all. But right now, it's hard.

colleen kingeter said:

I am trying to forget about the pending holidays for now - and yes, I would love to go away... but I have an elderly father that I cannot leave. But we will surely do something different. My Tom loved the holidays and loved decorating and entertaining. He loved life.....

Its funny, I can feel so strong one minute and the next I want to go home and pull the covers over my head. I talk to his picture constantly.

We were one of many couples in a lovely group of people and I am avoiding doing anything with those couples - even though they love me and want to be there for me - I cannot be with couples right now.... I feel selfish but I just don't want to do it. And I am close to these people - we vacationed, went out to dinner, etc. Will I ever not resent my friends who are sitting next to the husbands?

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 12, 2015 at 4:34pm

Dear Colleen ... All of us on the forum feel your heartbreak and confusion and grief is full of ups and downs, but unfortunately an necessity. Although it's a sad situation I am so glad your husband was with you and his children. My husband passed April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and wanted to come home from hospital, but was too ill to do so and I went up to visit him twice each day and he died less than 24 hours after entering Hospice. At the beginning I was very angry he chose not to have me stay over-night and I guess he was trying to protect me because he knew he was dying. He told me to come the next day, but I knew in my heart he wasn't going to make it much longer and he passed away at 6:30 AM. He told me once he didn't want to leave me and we did have a cry together. I did go and see him and just laid with him for a bit. It took me over a year to really realize he had passed away and I would never see him on this earth again. I know just how hard it is when you realize you have no control to make them better. We put on our bravest face, try to make them laugh and keep their hopes up, but deep down we do know the initial outcome. I use to have 'shower cries' because I couldn't cry in front of my sweetie. We were never able to have children and that saddens me because if we had they would be part of him. My husband and I were very close as well and I didn't feel the need to have a girl's night out either. Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary and I still consider I'm married to him. I don't get as upset during these special dates and just thankful he is not here suffering as he did.

The first year I felt stunned and by the 2nd year reality set in and I put one foot forward. Now I volunteer for a dog shelter and try to keep busy, but there are days that doesn't seem to help. I had promised my husband I would be OK so I strive to do just that no matter how hard it gets.

Times does bring grief to a dull roar hon where you can think of your sweetheart without the horrific pangs of heartache and we are so lucky for the memories these fine me left us. Everything you think, feel and all your emotions are very normal. I hope you keep posting on this forum as the angels on this forum know what you are going through and I couldn't have survived without coming here for comfort.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on August 12, 2015 at 5:53pm

It is very common to feel lost and disoriented. I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer in 2010, it has not been easy. You just do the best you can.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Murphy on August 16, 2015 at 12:50am

It has been almost 21 months since my husband of38 years lost his battle with diabetes and all the problems it causes. It took me a while to join a bereavement group but it turns out to be one of my best decisions to go. I learned so much about myself which I forgot about because I was always thinking about us as a couple and not individually. I found that I had to create a new me as I wasn't part of a couple anymore. The good thing about this is that I got to choose the new me, no one defining me but me. I think it's good to get out and go to these meetings as it forces you to get out of your comfort zone and face all your current fears with others going through the same thing. Losing a spouse is heartbreaking and it seems like it will never cease. I was right there early summer 2014. I was suicidal. I find that somewhat embarrassing as we're supposed to be strong, but I was. I'm much better now and dating a wonderful man. Do I have bad days? Of course but I bounce back within days. I'm happy with the new me but I can charge or add something anytime I need to. I met my husband when we were in the 8th grade so I knew him a long time. He died at home as he wanted to. He wanted me to move on and not grief. I'm doing that even though it was hard and still difficult as issues come up. I find more reasons to smile and be happy. I know he's watching over me.

Permalink Reply by colleen kingeter on August 17, 2015 at 11:03am

Boy did I need that uplifting message! Thank you so so much!

Permalink Reply by Jeannie on August 20, 2015 at 7:59am

Colleen,I feel and understand every word you have said. I feel your words could have come right out of my mouth, I lost my husband on July 17 2015 also to Cancer at just 48 years old. We have 3 daughters and we were all with him at his passing.i too feel so lost everyday. Losing your best friend after 28 years of marriage sometimes seems more than I can bear and it just takes your breathe away. Perhaps we were meant to meet each other here and offer love and support. Many hugs to you

Permalink Reply by colleen kingeter on August 20, 2015 at 11:13am

Perhaps our husbands put us together? I have no idea how I feel about all that stuff and my faith is just so hanging on by a thread - but its a nice thought - isn't it? They died within a day of each other - how are you doing? Are you back to work?

Jeannie said:

Colleen,I feel and understand every word you have said. I feel your words could have come right out of my mouth, I lost my husband on July 17 2015 also to Cancer at just 48 years old. We have 3 daughters and we were all with him at his passing.i too feel so lost everyday. Losing your best friend after 28 years of marriage sometimes seems more than I can bear and it just takes your breathe away. Perhaps we were meant to meet each other here and offer love and support. Many hugs to you

Permalink Reply by Jeannie on August 20, 2015 at 4:15pm

I understand your struggle with faith. Part of me believes he is in a better place free af Cancer and all it's pain, but I struggle to understand and make sense of why he was taken so young. I am sure you can relate to going from the primary caretaker of someone with Cancer and the time, energy and strength it takes to be that person, to just having him gone. As weird as it sounds I miss taking care of him. I am starting back to work part time on Monday, and I think it will help? Have you begun working again, how are you managing day to day?

hugs !!!!!