I am still here.

The day after my birthday on August 12, 1972 my husband and I were wed by the Justice of the Peace when his sister and her husband were witnesses. They were the only ones there as I was a very young 19 and there was no celebration, no reception, in fact I was so young and naive I didn't even care that there was no big to do. It was just a simple formality but it was a very special day ingrained in my memory for us to say to each other that we love each other. It would have been 38 years today but I guess that wasn't meant to be. We were together for 39 years because we met on September 11, 1970. We were able to have our marriage blessed by the Sacrament of Matrimony on November 1, 1974 at which time the witnesses were Dan's parents and one of his other sisters. I don't wish to be reminded of any of these events especially the day I was born because he is not able to say those horrible words, that awful phrase with the initials H.B. I hope you get my meaning because yesterday was the first day in 39 years that I didn't hear those words from Danny's own lips. I would rather not hear those words for as long as I live because it is just a day, the day I was born, that's all. I don't mean to sound cold or unfeeling. I don't tell my loved ones this because they wouldn't understand I just say thank you and leave it at that. But I think that all of you here understand how I feel. Danny has ceased to exist and nothing means anything to me any more. There will be other days that have a meaning only to me that will be extremely difficult and if you don't hear from me, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, still reading, still lurking, but in a deep depression because all I would really like is an embrace that I can no longer feel from Danny. He is no longer with me and as I type I weep because I truly feel .... no wait I know for a fact that my life is over. God has a purpose for me. But I still am empty, saddened, disillusioned, disheartened and lonely without him. I am merely existing. I just breathe, but I would rather not. I feel so sad for all of you here that are struggling, and are in the same pain as I. I know how all those feel who have lossed their loved one be it a spouse, a child, a sibling, a relative or a very good friend. I will be going out soon to attend a grief meeting so I just thought I'd let you all know I remember you in my prayers each day. I am so sorry and sad that you must go through this too. I wouldn't wish this unbearable ache in my heart for my worst enemy, but I am especially sad that all you who are so caring are not deserving of this fate, this sorrow is intolerable and I have come to think of what I have called T.E.D. for short which stands for Terminal Emotional Disorder. It's just what I must live with until the day I pass.

God bless each and every one of you.

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 14, 2010 at 2:22pm

Dear David,
It's not self-pity that I feel. I call it surrendering. My spirit in this life is no more because Danny, who God gave to me and took away because he belonged to God in the first place, is no longer here. But my body is, and what I am doing with this body that God gave me is living and waiting for Him to let me know what He wants me to do. I am not sinking, I am already at the bottom of the ocean. I'm just breathing, and I still talk and laugh with family members, and take care of my needs, and cry and go to my appointments but having any joy, because my spirit that loved the beauty of this world when Danny was with me to share it, this joy, this happiness, this feeling of hope that everyone seems to long for at the light at the the end of the tunnel for others no longer exists for me. I hope you don't take this the wrong way because it is not my intention to alienate anyone (because I have in the past unintentionally and inadvertantly) but there are only certain people that know how I feel and that's why I come here on this site because my family and loved ones don't get it, some people who have lossed their spouse/loved one move on and remarry and feel joy again but what I feel is not temporary, it is terminal. Whether I get counseling, or antidepressants, or share, nothing is going to change my thought that Danny is gone, not forgotten, but when I remember him my soul is tormented and in a year or 5 years or 30 years the fact is the same. My spirit that lived and loved and felt happy when Danny was with me has passed away, that is not self-pity. I have surrendered. I wait for God to let me know what He wants me to do. I am only speaking for myself because I know others have a different perspective. If my 2 adult sons, their loving wives and my precious grandchildren knew how I felt they would be devastated. So I come here to let go and relieve my pain and I am so grateful for all of you who say that they understand, I wish you didn't have to understand. I am still here and if I change my perspective you will all be the first to know. Thank you David for the opportunity to try to explain myself.
God bless us all,
Suzanne

david said:

T.E.D. I have that too . you are lot alone . the question is will we quit trying to be happy and wait to die or will we fight and while knowing we can never win the battle try to at least stop sinking further downward
and waste the rest of our lives in self pitty . i am struggling to find a way to not quit . i need everyone's prayers and i will say a pray for everyone else just as soon as i hit the send botton on this message.

may we all find peace

david

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 14, 2010 at 2:34pm

To all and to Suzanne, You have put it right on the nose Suzanne. I am going thru the exact same thing you are. You have explained it beautifully. The bottom line is as you said. All of us are here to share and understand. I died when LouAnn died and I cant wait to be wth her. Nothing else matters. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by bc on August 14, 2010 at 4:12pm

Okay Gang, here goes. It was just a year ago that I lost Brad, my best friend, soul mate, husband. I miss him more than anything, we spent 24/7 together, went everywhere together, did everything together, we didn't need anyone else. When he had surgery once, I refused to leave his room in intensive care and go home for the night, because we had never been apart one night. So, I layed on the floor of his room. The nurses finally realized they weren't going to get rid of me so they brought me a blanket and pillow. When Brad left, a big part of me left also, my daughter told me she not only lost her dad but her mom too. For months, even still now, I cry, I scream, I visit the cemetery every day and ask why?? Why did he drive out of the driveway and 30 seconds later have cardiac arrest and leave me?? I don't know and no one can tell me. I'm on the edge ready to go over, I'm what they call clinically depressed. I've seen 4 therapists, but they've never gone through this so they don't know. I've been to 2 grief support groups, the last one wasn't bad so I'm going back. My kids tell me they wish I would smile again, they don't know what to do for me. But....on the anniversary of Brad's death it all came to me. I was at the cemetery at sunset and talked with him and God and then I realized one thing...that was that during our lives together Brad taught me so much, taught me to be strong and how to be a survivor, but most of all he gave me all the love anyone could have given. I have now realized that after he gave me so much and taught me so much, the best gift I can give him is to try really hard to be positive and strong, and I ask him for that strength everyday. He has helped me. Yes, I still cry, I still miss him like hell, that will Never go away, but I have had 3 positive days this week and you know what? It felt good because I was doing it for my love of Brad, its my only way of thanking him for all he gave me. He always wanted me to be positive and strong, he was my Rock and still is. So, when you find its time that you want to give a gift to your loved ones, try it. It does work. Also, at night when its the worst for me, I go out and look up to the sky and that brightest star is Brad watching over me and telling me "atta girl"! This site is so wonderful, we can help each other to survive but only with the help of our loved ones who are going to be so proud of us when we meet them again someday. Brad will be waiting for me with open arms and we will never be apart again. Until then, my job here I've found out is to help all of you, as I will need your help also.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get this out.
I love you all, I care about all of you, so please reach out whenever you need to!
Hugs!
Barb

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on August 14, 2010 at 4:39pm

Suzanne,

Depression is an ugly beast and one that is most difficult to overcome. It has been 13 months since my Douglas died. I still experience depression every day -- and it manifests itself in so many different ways. I don't sleep, can't eat sometimes, cry endlessly (or so it seems), start to cry for no reason in the middle of the store or work, and the depression marches on. I don't have answers. We are here to support each other, to listen and share, and give hope whenever we can. I miss Douglas so very much. He was my rock, my best friend and now my guardian angel. A piece of my heart was ripped out when he died and that is the most difficult thing to heal. In time, that is what I hear, and I won't give up on that. But in the meantime if I want to wallow, be depressed, cry, scream, and hate the "mighty power" for taking Douglas from me I will. I have given myself the right to feel as I do and the right to be sad, happy or heartbroken whenever. Suzanne, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better for all of us. It won't be the same, but it will be okay. I am starting graduate school in 2 weeks and I am hoping that will be one small step toward healing. Stay tough and remind yourself that your husband loved you so very much and wants you to be here to remind others who he was and that his having been here made the planet a much better place!

In peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Tom on August 14, 2010 at 6:25pm

Hello Barb,
This is one of the most encouraging posts i have read on here in 7 months. It make me feel good for you, and it give me hope also. I think that I'm about in the same place as you, as far as recovery goes.
I'm doing my best to do things and give my Loni a way to be proud of me. I know that it will be a lot of little things that will add up that will count. I'm going to keep moving forward, and take things as they come. Tom

Barb said:

Okay Gang, here goes. It was just a year ago that I lost Brad, my best friend, soul mate, husband. I miss him more than anything, we spent 24/7 together, went everywhere together, did everything together, we didn't need anyone else. When he had surgery once, I refused to leave his room in intensive care and go home for the night, because we had never been apart one night. So, I layed on the floor of his room. The nurses finally realized they weren't going to get rid of me so they brought me a blanket and pillow. When Brad left, a big part of me left also, my daughter told me she not only lost her dad but her mom too. For months, even still now, I cry, I scream, I visit the cemetery every day and ask why?? Why did he drive out of the driveway and 30 seconds later have cardiac arrest and leave me?? I don't know and no one can tell me. I'm on the edge ready to go over, I'm what they call clinically depressed. I've seen 4 therapists, but they've never gone through this so they don't know. I've been to 2 grief support groups, the last one wasn't bad so I'm going back. My kids tell me they wish I would smile again, they don't know what to do for me. But....on the anniversary of Brad's death it all came to me. I was at the cemetery at sunset and talked with him and God and then I realized one thing...that was that during our lives together Brad taught me so much, taught me to be strong and how to be a survivor, but most of all he gave me all the love anyone could have given. I have now realized that after he gave me so much and taught me so much, the best gift I can give him is to try really hard to be positive and strong, and I ask him for that strength everyday. He has helped me. Yes, I still cry, I still miss him like hell, that will Never go away, but I have had 3 positive days this week and you know what? It felt good because I was doing it for my love of Brad, its my only way of thanking him for all he gave me. He always wanted me to be positive and strong, he was my Rock and still is. So, when you find its time that you want to give a gift to your loved ones, try it. It does work. Also, at night when its the worst for me, I go out and look up to the sky and that brightest star is Brad watching over me and telling me "atta girl"! This site is so wonderful, we can help each other to survive but only with the help of our loved ones who are going to be so proud of us when we meet them again someday. Brad will be waiting for me with open arms and we will never be apart again. Until then, my job here I've found out is to help all of you, as I will need your help also.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get this out.
I love you all, I care about all of you, so please reach out whenever you need to!
Hugs!
Barb

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 14, 2010 at 8:41pm

Suzanne and all,

Everyone handles grief differently and that grief last longer for some than others. It has only been 6 months since I lost my husband, best friend and soulmate. I feel many times like I am doing better than some on here that are at a year or more since the loss of their spouse. Does that mean I loved my husband less, no. Does that mean that I miss him less, no. I would give everything I have to have my husband back with me. I have been married and widowed twice. Many people never find someone to love, even once, and I have found it twice. And I have been loved by both of these good men. I don't know what more I could ask for, other than more time with them. I to Barb, am a survivor. Even with all that has gone on in my life, (and I have also buried a child, my first born) I will survive this. Will I yet have bad days? You bet. But I will survive. My prayer for each and everyone of you is to find peace within. To salvage what is left of your lives. To gain the strength every day that you need to love yourself and keep the good memories you have next to your heart. Hugs to all

Permalink Reply by bc on August 14, 2010 at 11:11pm

Tom, I am glad to hear that you are doing things to make Loni proud of you, and she is! Just by trying alot of little things, they will add up. Remember she wants you to survive and you will. We will always have our rough times and we will never forget or stop loving them, but if I didn't try, I know Brad would be unhappy. After our happiness together, all he gave to me, I couldn't bear to think that he is unhappy and I know he feels the same about me. Keep moving forward, you will survive! Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
Barb

Tom said:

Hello Barb,
This is one of the most encouraging posts i have read on here in 7 months. It make me feel good for you, and it give me hope also. I think that I'm about in the same place as you, as far as recovery goes.
I'm doing my best to do things and give my Loni a way to be proud of me. I know that it will be a lot of little things that will add up that will count. I'm going to keep moving forward, and take things as they come. Tom

Barb said:
Okay Gang, here goes. It was just a year ago that I lost Brad, my best friend, soul mate, husband. I miss him more than anything, we spent 24/7 together, went everywhere together, did everything together, we didn't need anyone else. When he had surgery once, I refused to leave his room in intensive care and go home for the night, because we had never been apart one night. So, I layed on the floor of his room. The nurses finally realized they weren't going to get rid of me so they brought me a blanket and pillow. When Brad left, a big part of me left also, my daughter told me she not only lost her dad but her mom too. For months, even still now, I cry, I scream, I visit the cemetery every day and ask why?? Why did he drive out of the driveway and 30 seconds later have cardiac arrest and leave me?? I don't know and no one can tell me. I'm on the edge ready to go over, I'm what they call clinically depressed. I've seen 4 therapists, but they've never gone through this so they don't know. I've been to 2 grief support groups, the last one wasn't bad so I'm going back. My kids tell me they wish I would smile again, they don't know what to do for me. But....on the anniversary of Brad's death it all came to me. I was at the cemetery at sunset and talked with him and God and then I realized one thing...that was that during our lives together Brad taught me so much, taught me to be strong and how to be a survivor, but most of all he gave me all the love anyone could have given. I have now realized that after he gave me so much and taught me so much, the best gift I can give him is to try really hard to be positive and strong, and I ask him for that strength everyday. He has helped me. Yes, I still cry, I still miss him like hell, that will Never go away, but I have had 3 positive days this week and you know what? It felt good because I was doing it for my love of Brad, its my only way of thanking him for all he gave me. He always wanted me to be positive and strong, he was my Rock and still is. So, when you find its time that you want to give a gift to your loved ones, try it. It does work. Also, at night when its the worst for me, I go out and look up to the sky and that brightest star is Brad watching over me and telling me "atta girl"! This site is so wonderful, we can help each other to survive but only with the help of our loved ones who are going to be so proud of us when we meet them again someday. Brad will be waiting for me with open arms and we will never be apart again. Until then, my job here I've found out is to help all of you, as I will need your help also.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get this out.
I love you all, I care about all of you, so please reach out whenever you need to!
Hugs!
Barb