I haven't posted here much lately but want all of you to know I have read the posts every day. As I mentioned in other posts, today would have been my dear Bill's 85th birthday and I know he was happy to see the kids and I having a fun day together in his memory. He has been gone just 13 months now and I still miss him daily but know he would want me to be content with my life and move forward. He gave me a wonderful life and provided for my future as best he could knowing that with our great age difference (22 years) he would most likely leave me a widow. (He hated that thought more than anything because he had been a widower for 5 years when we met and understood the pain). If he had not moved forward from his own grief we would not have had the beautiful life we had. I believe it was even more beautiful because of that understanding. We made sure we had a quality life and traveled and cherished every possible moment we had. I helped him complete his "bucket list" and he shared that often with anyone who listened. I still share stories of him often and if I see anyone feels uncomfortable I stop and tell them how important it is to cherish the memories by speaking of them and not hiding it under a bushel or pretend he didn't matter. It does seem to help people. I tell them the tears will fall but don't let it worry them because I am okay and more and more of the tears are cherished memories and not excruciating pain as they once were. It is okay to be happy. For some it can still only be for a moment, but the moments will get longer and you will be more comfortable with your memories and feel more able to share. You will see me share lots of different pictures at different times and this is what I need to do to remember and see the love on his face. It keeps me moving forward because I know this is what he needs me to do. Please feel free to share your love, your pain, your hurt, your anger, your anguish, your fears, your regrets. We have all been there and continue to be there, just at different levels. The rollercoaster ride will smooth out, I promise. It just takes different amounts of time for everyone. Know that you are normal.. We love you and send lots and lots of hugs. Hugs are good..

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Kathy, with everything you have been thru and are going thru you are such a insparation to everyone thank you for that. I agree with you it is ok to be happy again and the time frame will be different for everyone. I also agree with you on being able to speak about our loved ones, people really are afraid to speak of them to us for fear of upsetting us and if they understand it helps we need to express it to them. Life goes on with or without us and when we get to the point where we can remember our loved ones and smile and tears of happyness fall we are progressing. Bill seemed to be one heck of a great person and I'm happy you had what time you did together even tho it wasn't enough. What he did to help you prepare for the inevable speaks volumes of his love and respect for you not everyone can do that. His experence of being a widower gave him insite into what you would go thru and to want to make it easier on you was such an awsome thing. You do him proud !!, Lots of  Hugs to you.  

Kathy, you are an absolute _queen_, and your Bill was quite a _king_!  - I applaud you and your happiness and the happiness that you and Bill had - far, far beyond mere riches!

I still struggle, because I miss Byron so much - I am actually somewhat of a loner (why else would I be in IT, wrestling with Oracle/SQL Server/UNIX and Windows all day long?  (ha)) - so Byron was my confidante, my lover, my comedian, my race car driver (let me tell you, Dr. Perkins was NOT slow when he got in a car, and he had four (4) Corvettes over the time I knew him - the more I'd fuss, the faster he'd go, with a devlish grin on his face!  And, when I would remind him of the presence of the local constabulary, he'd respond with "I haven't gotten a ticket since I was 19 in Montana..."

He also had a little 'thug' in him - his office was not in the best part of town, and every once in a while, trouble would come to the door....having handled firearms since age 6 on his father's farm, he was a pretty good shot, and handy with the the steel (unfortunately, I was forced to sell his Beretta, and I gave his Savage 12-gauge to Baby Brother (52), because I knew Byron would have wanted David to have it) - he was on good terms with the local police, and they'd come by to check every once in a while - but he was not a man to mess with, at all!

It was so hard watching that vital, strong, _fine_ (oh, the man was _fine_, with golden-brown/hazel/green eyes, and long curly brown hair) man just deteriorate into a pain-wracked, agonized, extremely ill person......but he is not in any pain, anymore - and for that I am glad


Peace, healing, comfort and grace to you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Kathy, Virginia and Yaca thank you for your posts. I'm at the 9 month mark (yesterday). I'm trying so hard to move forward and I am but some days or moments just take my breath away. I just miss Michael so much! I had dinner with his friends/coworkers this week and so enjoyed it but then cried myself to sleep missing Michael and our old life. I was talking with my oldest son today and he mention some ones parents and the marriage had lost the spark. I had commented that Dad and I still had the spark right up to his death. Even the during his last year and all the ups and downs, hospital visits etc. we still had the spark. I don't mind living alone and I love my job. I go out with my friends and family and am quite busy but I miss our marriage, friendship and the closeness we shared. How do I get beyond this overwhelming sense of loss? I quess it just takes time. Since I lost both my folks in '09 and Michael in '10 I'm just tired of grieving.


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