Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Deb S on September 8, 2016 at 6:29pm

Maureena, Please know you are not alone We have all been where you are today. Thank you so much for posting. Please continue to share. It helps. I promise.  Debbie

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on September 9, 2016 at 5:00am

Dear Maureen ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband and I wish with all my heart you didn't have to be here.  I just want to say that you came to a wonderful forum where all of us have gone through what you're going through; some of us have gone further ahead in grief while others are in raw grief such as yourself.  I call them 'my angels' and we one is down we all dive in and pick that person up and you're no exception.  No one judges you and we all vent just what is in our heart and that's good medicine for all of us. 

My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I was in a complete daze for several months so no, you are reacting normally and now crying because reality has set in.  What you are going through is very normal and I still can cry every once in awhile and will always miss my husband, but time does heal us to a certain extent where we can reinvent our lives.  I know right now these words hold no meaning to you because your heart is broken.  We truly understand and I hope you keep coming back here even in your darkest hour because we're here and we will help you through the journey of grief.

Big hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on September 10, 2016 at 2:53pm

Hello Mary,

Tomorrow is such a world-wide day of remembrance and shared grieving for those lost in the senseless tragedy that occurred 15 years ago, that it may seem our individual personal days of remembrance  fall by the wayside. Please know that I am thinking of you and your dear husband as you celebrate your 23rd (is that correct?) anniversary Sunday. You are in my prayers, and as you face the day I hope you find some peace and a place of calm in your heart remembering  the many happy years you shared. This song is for you both, a favorite of mine about the depth and breadth of true everlasting love...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1SzuFzJHto

Wishing you a peaceful day Mary,

Love,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Mary Clough on September 10, 2016 at 3:21pm

Chuck, what a beautiful song, Thankyou so very very much, made me cry it was so lovely a song Bob would have loved, tomorrow will be a hard day, because of my aniversary and those poor people who lost their lives and their loved ones,I will never forget that day because it brought me such happiness and such sorrow, Bob and I had stopped celebrating on that day due to the tragedy, but it is the day we were married on 23 years ago, trust me 9/11 will live on for me for both reasons, because of the tragedy of 9/11 my daughter joined the army, she did two years in Afghanistan, and two years in Iraq, we are very proud Americans I was also in the Army but not overseas, to this day my daughter still serves in the Army, and iam very proud of her, Thankyou again Chuck love mary

Permalink Reply by ROSE EGGERS on September 14, 2016 at 10:11am

Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of 44 years was taken from me in April of this year from a texting on meth driver while he was on a walk during his lunch hour. Your loss is so new, I know how much you are struggling as it is still so fresh for me. It is true that all we can do is take one day at a time. Do you have anyone else at home with you? There is nothing anyone can tell you that is going to help, this is something we have to figure out for ourselves. I hope it will help to reach out to those of us on this page because I think we can relate to ALL the emotions you will be going through. God Bless you and may he be with you on this new journey. 

Permalink Reply by Sheri Dettman on September 21, 2016 at 8:01pm

Hi Mary, I just now posted my story which is a lot like yours. My Bill passed away on Aug. 25th and like you I am heartbroken and trying to make sense of it. A friend of mine whose husband passed away in June (he had been sick for 4 years so very different from my situation of less than 3 months), told me about a book that she had just read. It's called Widow to Widow and I found it very helpful. You might take a look. I understand the being overwhelmed. We ran a business together and Bill took care of everything on the back side of it as well as our home. He treated me like a queen and made sure that I never had to worry about a lot of the little details behind the scenes so that I could concentrate on the front side of our business. We each worked about 10 hours a day, 6-7 days a week and now I have to continue to do that as well as do what Bill did. And he did the work of at least 4 people. So, yes, it's a struggle and do I know how I'm doing it? Not really. I just cry and cry and then put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I'm still at work right now and getting ready to leave but I look forward to talking to you.

Permalink Reply by Mary Clough on September 21, 2016 at 8:47pm

Hi Sheri, iam so very sorry for your loss, Thankyou for info on the book I will look for it, like you I cry and cry, I miss my Bob so much, he was such a good man, I want him back so much, my life is empty without him, but like you I put one foot in front of the other and off to work I go, I hate comming home now, everything is our life together I can't get over how many people think it's easy to just move on, it's not easy and I don't think I'll ever be able to move on. Bob was my life we did everything together, the way Bob died was horrific I wonder if I could have done more, I have tried to find answers to ease my mind a little, but as of yet I have found none. This not much info on it, I hope with all my heart I gave him a little comfort but I will never know. Take care Sheri and please know we are all here for you and we all know how you feel. Love mary

Permalink Reply by Mary Clough on September 21, 2016 at 8:53pm

Oh Shari, I really am so very sorry I just read about your husband he had the same terrible wicked tumor that took my Bob away, his also started with weakness on his left side, left leg actually and we also went to the ER and he never came home again 10 weeks later he was gone, please Shari do you know any more about this tumor??? I so need to understand how this all happened just for a little peace of mind. Anything you could share about it would be greatly appreciated. Looking forward to talking to you, love Mary

Permalink Reply by Sheri Dettman on September 21, 2016 at 9:46pm

Mary, There is a lot of info about GMA's online, none of it which will make you feel any better, believe me. The stats are not good and I knew that going in. Although, I thought I could save my Bill. I got him the best care, the best surgeon, etc...and there was nothing to be done. I lost hours online reading all of the doom and gloom until I found one woman who's husband is still alive 12 years later. He does have a lot of issues that have lingered but he's alive. And as you and I know, we'd trade anything to have one more moment with our husbands. So I clung to that even though I knew better. But we have to have hope, right? Honestly, I'm sure you did, just as I did, everything that could be done. But it's in our nature to question if there could have been more. The answer is no and even if there was, it wouldn't have made any difference. My Bill knew who everyone was that was coming to see him up until the end even though he couldn't speak or barely move. He believed that God has a plan for each of us and that our fate is already laid out. He would have been at piece with going to Heaven. So I try and take comfort in that. I don't think that he suffered and that's kind of a (I think) a side effect of this tumor. He never questioned anything, never asked why, was never even agitated. I just took over and it all happened so fast, just like for you, that you don't even have time to catch your breath. Like you, coming home is not fun. I turn on the TV the minute I walk in the door. I go to bed by 8:30 because I'm exhausted from the emotional toll and my cats get me up at 5:30, not to mention there is construction going on on my street starting at 6 AM every day. Bill and I went out nearly every night due to our work. So I've been going out with friends at least 3 times a week. And if I spend most of the time crying, then so be it. My friends cry too because they know what a great guy Bill was. I go to the gym where I live every morning, just like I did before. I break out in tears when one of my neighbors comes in and asks me how I'm doing. I find that keeping up the things that I used to do is helpful. I talk to him every morning, every evening and all day long. I ask him to look after me and keep me safe. I try and remember the good times and not the last three months but as you know, those horrible memories come back into our minds to torture us. I sold Bill's Range Rover yesterday back to the dealer and that was very hard. Doing those kinds of things make it real even when it doesn't seem possible. Every time I look at his shoes and remember how hard it was for him to even put them on a few months ago, it tears me up inside. My cats sniff his shoes and clothes and they miss him as well. I know that over time it will not be as all encompassing as it is now but the sadness will never leave us and I just wish that we could fast forward to when the pain is less. We have to take solace in the fact that our guys knew how much we loved them and how we tried to help them. I know that I told Bill I loved him about a million times over the past few months and I only wish that prior to him getting ill I would have told him more. He never missed a night of telling me how much he loved me. He waited until he was 55 to get married and we were both very, very happy. It's not fair that the good guys get taken and there are all kinds of really bad people still walking around. But I do know that we'll drive ourselves crazy if we don't try and believe that our guys were OK at the end and it's up to us to carry on and keep their memory alive. I have another book that I haven't read yet along with a sermon that I've watched half of so far and I'll send you the info as they both look promising. The hardest thing is feeling helpless. When they were sick, we had a job and that was to get them better. When that didn't happen we feel like we failed and we are helpless. So we have to do things that get us to move forward. Not getting "over it", that's not going to happen, just doing something so that we accomplish something. Talk later. Sheri

Permalink Reply by carol on September 21, 2016 at 8:21pm

Hi I too lost my husband of 57 yrs today is the 5 month anniversary have been in a funk all day I cannot stand this alone feeling day and night ,but nothing seems to grab my attention anymore,any suggestions?

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on September 22, 2016 at 12:21am

Hello Carol,

I remember one year ago Sept 22 was the 5 month anniversary for me, and I sat on the porch that day watching the daylight fade as Larry and I had done so many times and wept so hard that I thought I would break something inside irreparably. I was disinterested in everything - food, entertainment, even dressing and bathing seemed unnecessary and irrelevant anymore.

I wish I had some brilliant suggestion or advice to offer, but all I can say is that by sharing how you feel here, you have actually done something for yourself that hopefully will take a bit of the edge off that feeling of being alone. I had not yet found Legacy, so you are actually ahead of where I was - just try to be kind with yourself and if any small thing enters your thoughts grasp it and follow - I actually found myself "playing" with things without being aware I was doing so, and allowed myself to be a kid again wasting (in other people's minds) time arranging little scenes with toys, or gathering favorite objects of Larry's and constructing small shrines celebrating some of his interests - movies, novels, music, etc. Each little task became a focal point for all my nervous energy and seemed to justify another day's worth of existing without Larry. I still find myself doing such things today, and something as simple as rearranging the photos on a table until they are just right calms me down as I picture Larry watching with a wry smile shaking his head saying "You obsess over the silliest things sometimes - I always love that about you..."

Peace Carol, and I hope tomorrow will be better for you and us all -

Love,

Chuck 

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on September 22, 2016 at 5:11am

Dear Carol ...  I am so very sorry you are having to go through this ugly adventure of grief.  My husband Ernie passed away 5 1/2 years ago from pancreatic cancer and he was my breath, my life and I still miss him, but I'm here to say that grief like it or not is part of life and a process all of us have to go through, but, although we will never stop loving them the heart-wrenching pain of living without our beloved spouses will come to a dull roar and you will start living again and even enjoying life once again to a degree.  I will not deny that even now something may trigger off a bit of a crying jag for me or even a pity party all on my own, but I have gained strength through the process of grief and by the help of Legacy members who really are true angels.  When one is down others congregate to circle them with love and strength. 

Some tips I can give you is keep a radio on or the TV just to hear human voices.  In bed put two long pillows behind your back as it feels like your spouse is there.  If you have insomnia (sometimes people in grief can't sleep well) sleep on the sofa a few nights with something peaceful or enjoyable on the TV and put it down very low and it helped me sleep.  I have 2 dogs who were my lifesavers as well as they make me walk.  Try getting out for a walk as it gets the endorphins going in your brain and it does help a lot; perhaps have a family member or a friend go with you and even if you have to go alone do so.  I walk my dogs to this day with or without my friend.  If you find you have no appetite each when you feel like it and eat light, but often and drink plenty of water because crying which is good for us also dehydrates us quickly. 

When my Ernie passed I was angry at God, the doctors (the surgeon did deserve me being angry at him) and I just couldn't seem to stop crying.  One day I found a place by the dyke I walk where no one is and I yelled out how angry I was, sunk to my knees and cried and cried and got it right out of my system.  I was always afraid God would strike me dead, but He knows we feel hurt and we'll be angry and that's OK.  Cry when you want to and learn to say no if people try to get you moving when you don't feel like it.  It takes a bit of time to get through the shock of losing your spouse and sleep is so very important.  Eventually you will want to be around other people and not feel so out of sync.  I only have a small immediate family and only a few good friends have stuck by me even though I don't carry on about Ernie in a bad way and just bring up good memories we all had of him.  You are going to make it Carol so lean on us and we'll help you get through it. 

A big hug for you because you need one!

Marsha

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