Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on May 15, 2013 at 1:18pm

I am so very so for your loss. Try not to cast blame it doesn't help, it just makes you angrier. I lost brother to suicide on Feb. 5,2013. He was only 44. His wife had asked for a divorce. My Mom blames his wife. I spoke to my sister in law and got a lot more of the story than my brother had told us & it made a lot more sense when you blended the 2 stories together. No one was to blame. It was ultimately his decision.
I know your situation is different than ours. Your son was much younger. Try not to blame yourself. If you can get some counseling, it does help. This situation sucks. But this is a great outlet & it's so nice to speak with people that understand your feelings and have been through a lot of what you are dealing with.
Again I'm so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by LA-Greg on May 15, 2013 at 3:37pm

Stacy, I'm very sorry for the tragic loss of your son, too. I lost my oldest brother to suicide 6 mos ago and it still haunts me...along with all the guilt about 'could I have done more to save him.'

To a certain degree I think we just have to suffer...the guilt, the anger, confusion, the shock, but esp. the grief. In the end isn't there just so much sorrow... Unfortunately it's the only way to heal. Even partially.

The pain, as well as the appreciation for the ephemeral nature of this life and all we have come to know and even take for granted should be part of what changes in us survivors, yes? In time, perhaps it can make us appreciate what we have even more...before it is gone, as all things go and all loved ones die.

But, of course, nothing is so tragic as loss by suicide. Why are some people more susceptible to it? I don't think it's just because they are more sensitive or feel more deeply, though that part is maybe true. I think it's a combination of a lack of support in society that favors functional emotional disconnection, and a tendency in the suicidal person to self-attack on a core level.

Why some people focus on the negative in themselves, exacerbating their loneliness and desperation and hopelessness who knows, but therapy has helped me in my life survive many such suicidal bouts, turning the self-attacks around and into self-support where I'm in such core, existential pain, not hating myself but having compassion for my very real suffering there, as one might naturally have empathy for a suffering loved one.

It's so much easier to put one's concern into another. But when that ability comes at the detriment of concern for oneself, or with a hefty dose of self-attacks, then it's not really love or empathy, but more in akin to sort of a helpless 'fusion' to another, as we often do in helpless, even self-degrading 'love' affairs. And I think that is very important for us to explore the difference there, for we often confuse helpless attachments that do not feed our souls with relationships that are truly open and honest and intimate (and caring to BOTH sides).

Your son sounds like he was caught up in a very unhealthy relationship. The reasons for it are many but most of it was inside himself, things you may never be able to know now that he's gone. But I think as we each allow ourselves to grieve we will naturally be more real with ourselves about our human nature, both where it comes to our 'higher' selves as well as our frailty and despair, and our tendencies (some greater than others) to descend into places of desperation, self-denegration, giving ourselves away, as it were, to others, or depending too much on others to compensate for fear, guilt, insecurity (and confusing this with love & intimacy).

When I spoke at my brother's eulogy I asked the big crowd there (he was a well-respected doctor) a rhetorical question as to how many of them knew someone, even themselves, who suffered from depression, anxiety, despair, loneliness, social awkwardness, etc. My hope, I said to them, was to bring our pain out of the closet, to no longer stigmatize, or simply codify & drug, our human frailies, fears, despairs. I thought that, in itself, was a source of hope for us, and a support to those who'd otherwise hide away in their darkness, be so alone in their despair.

I still hope this. And I think us sharing here is a step in that direction, don't you?

Greg

Permalink Reply by Margo powell on May 15, 2013 at 7:16pm

Hi Stacy, it's always so sad to see a new member join the group due to a suicide. I am truly sorry that you find yourself here.
The men and women on Legacy Connect are very supportive of one another. May you find peace! I pray you can overcome the guilt you are feeling.
I have been working on a program for schools. It addresses bullying and suicide. In all my research, I can't for the life of me put my finger on any common denominator. Depression is a the number one cause but what I would like to know is:
What brings a person to that moment in time when they feel that suicide is their only option:( obviously, your son knew you were there for him. You should not blame yourself, ever! The girlfriend is always going to know she was mostly responsible. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
Unfortunately, the decision and act itself are often an impulsive decision, the result of a situation that blind sides them. I am trying so hard to find answers to this horrible crisis. It's so shocking that one person's bad behavior can have such a deadly effect and yet we see it all the time. Oh if we only had a magic pill!
God bless you on your journey moving forward.