The loss of a child

HI,JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I WENT TO MY SONS GRADUATION,I MADE IT THROU IT MAYBE BECAUSE I HAD SO MUCH SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.THEY WERE SO SUPPORTIVE.THEY DONATED MONEY TO GET A YEARBOOK FOR OUR FAMILY AND THEY CALLED ME UP TO GIVE IT TO ME.I TRIED TO SAY THANK YOU BUT IT WOULDNT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH I THINK THEY KNEW THAT I THANKED THEM.I WENT TO THE CEMETARY FIRST AND PUT BALLOONS UP IN THE AIR IT LOOKED LIKE A RAINBOW,AND YOU KNOW IT WAS RAINING OUT SO THAT WAS COOL.I HOPE MY DAUGHTER CAN CHEER UP,SHE TOLD ME TODAY THAT SHE CRIED LAST NIGHT BECAUSE THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE FOR MY SON TO HAVE HIS GRADUATION PARTY NOT JUST PEOPLE COMING UP TO HELP SUPPORT US WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST.I TOLD HER CRYING IS THE BEST.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL MY KIDS WHEN THEY WANT TO CRY,BUT I SAY THAT IS THE BEST MEDICINE.THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT ON HERE I COULDNT OF DID IT WITHOUT YOU ALL TO.KRISTI

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on June 1, 2009 at 7:00am

Hi Kristie,I knew you could do it. I know you were sad but also proud. Tell your daughter its OK to cry. Because Kris two sons they are still crying. The youngest son was two when Kris was killed in his fatal car accident just cried on last Sunday because was still waiting for his dad to return home from work. So you know I am still going through it. His son Kory is five . He knows that he won't see his Dad again,not at home returning from work, Kory cried so hard to be told that his dad won't be returning home from work. Kristie I am so glad you decided to attened the graduation. I know it was very emotional,but somewhere there should have been some joy. Just knowing that it was his class that graduated. Than I know the Pain fell in when he could not be seen walking down the isle or across the stage to recieve his diploma. What a day that would have been. Kristie I still miss Kris so much. I heve been bringing flowers lately with baloons. It still feels like a big piece missing from my heart. I just miss that kiss and big hug everytime we would see each other. Well Kristie its been since 2006,three years yet it still hurts. So just keep praying for me,which I know God would put no more on me than I can bare. Keep up the good work Kristie and to be strong and hang in there because we will be talking about them for the rest of our lives. I don't know about you but it makes me feel good to say Kris. When I says or speak his name it makes me feel like his presence is with me. So he is my talk everyday. I love and miss him so much. There is NO going on with Kris for me. He will always be a part of my life like if he were here with me. It brings me joy just to mention his name. So Kristie congradulation on the graduation. Keep pressing on and God will take care you,me and all the others that carry the pain or heartache with the death of a child. May God be with all of us. Elaine

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on June 8, 2009 at 2:25pm

There has been something that has stuck with me every since I came to know the paraphrase. "The loss of my assumptive world." That is a very powerful idea. Everyday our brains are constantly making decisions, jumping to conclusions, passing judgements, developing preconceived notions, and just overall constantly creating scenarios of life. Our brains are our writers. They are the taskmasters of our free will, and generally for most of us, we spend too much of our time writing futility on our free will. I have been considering all that my son's passing is inspiring me to do. Sadly, however, I am moved with regret that the best days of his life were not spent watching his mother delve into the heart of humanity, or leading a new consciousness of awareness, but rather existing. Now at the most eminent junction of our lives, I am pressed, agitated and quickened in my spirit to do so much more than I have ever imagined, persued, or cared. This is why I miss him. I did not show him the best that life had to offer, and I feel cheated that there is no hope that I will ever have that chance again. A friend of mine was comforting me on the matter, and he said to me, " do you really think Elijah cares right now what you never got to show him?" "He's somewhere running on the stars and dancing on the seas, do you really think he cares that you never showed him how to ride a horse?" Well I am sure that is all very true. I have no qualms about the freedom of Elijah's spirit. But, I also know that someone will be held accountable for the days of his life, and those that are responsible will also be held accountable for the day of his death. But sometimes it still hurts. It hurts now and presently. Immensely and consumably, it aches and losing him pains me down to my very soul. I think of all the things that we pursue as parents. More stuff. It is such a stigma being a single parent because we as a society are always persuing something. We wrap up our identity in our pursuits. Meanwhile, the children are at home longing for us to walk through the door, so ecstatic that we are returned from our persuits for them to be graced by us once again. Yet still we forsake them, for rest. More rest to chase our pursuits. John lennon said that life is what happens when you're making other plans. I never planned to lose my son. I never planned to hurt so deeply. I never plan to have ths experience again. I plan to look up, and look forward. I plan to press. I plan to let the chips fall where they may. I plan to reside in peace, to surround myself with love. I plan to live. I plan to take it one day at a time. I plan to swallow my pride, and eschew ignorance, hate, and evil. I plan to heal, see, and worship. I plan for this to be the focus of my life. Whatever happens that deviates from this plan, I cannot control. It is not that I am assuming that this is the appropriate path to take, it is the best that I know to do. Even as a mother, I know in love that I have done the best that I knew to do. It was my hope that my best would be enough, it still is. I know that his grace is sufficient for ME, despite my losses and my failures. Everything in the universe comes from God, and it dies to return to him. His grace is sufficient to death. Until our last breath, everyday of our lives, every hair on our heads, his grace is sufficient for us all, and his mercy endureth from everlasting to everlasting. So as long as I don't have to assume that my soul has been saved by whatever sufficiency that he has stored up for me, life as I know it is merely a glimmer. The passing of a star across the night sky, dust in the wind. So whatever happens I am covered. Whatever assumptions loss, I am restored.
Praise the Lord!

Permalink Reply by sue on June 8, 2009 at 3:45pm

Wow Tiffany, you said it sister. I feel that need to seek my path more urgently than ever before and to not waste a moment with regret but to press on knowing that my life is now. Thanks for your words of encouragment. God Bless you and yours. I too was a single parent, divorced, but even though I did my best I always felt they deserved more. I am so grateful that they have forgotten or never knew so much. I have at times reflected and remembered so much work to just survive and to keep them safe. It is a hard call to know where to spread your energy and love but just doing the best you can at the time and loving is all you can do. My son told me once that I taught him everything he knows about being a good father? He said "you stayed, you never gave up on me" and you loved me even when I wasn't lovable." He said, "I always knew you would never leave me no matter what". I am so sorry about your child, no words can express that deep loss. suep

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 18, 2009 at 1:29pm

I have not been on this site for a while but I like what I have read so far. But I am selfish I want my son here with me and where I can see him but I know that can never be anylonger... I miss him so much and I wished I could touch him and see him one more time I still have not had a dream of him and it is now going on 6 months I still feel like "is this really happening to me" my son is gone just a total disbelief at times then I feel he is in a good place and its going to be ok. I miss him so much I went on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking my son is gone and still smiling and trying to enjoy my time there but that thought would not leave my mind and on the plane I was thinking my son is gone and he is not there when I get home..he is still not here. I look at alot of parents when they are with their children and wonder how they would feel and see little boys runing about with their parents I cant help but wish I had my son here with me still. I think maybe I should have waited to have my son a little longer maybe he would still be here...all the what if's that cross my mind. When all I really want is my son my baby...he was 18 but still he was my baby...I was told today you have 3 daughters they need you and I know this but I still cant see it...I dont know I am just going to have a very tough first year without my son and many to come....it is so hard

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 18, 2009 at 1:37pm

What is normal?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because my son is missing from all the important events in our family’s life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to put on his grave that he would have loved.
Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if’s & why didn’t I’s go through your head constantly.
Normal is thinking of the accident continuously through your mind, wondering if my son suffered or was in pain.
Normal is thinking of every happy event in his daughter’s life he will miss and I will see knowing he will not share it with her, breaks my heart.
Normal is talking of my child’s death and trying to keep from crying each time I say "died" because I still don’t believe it. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your “normal.”
Normal is thinking of first year without him coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my son memory and his birthday and how am I going to survive these days. And trying to find a way to get thru these occasion without him.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my son loved. Thinking how he would have loved it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, “Siaosi”.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, and months after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is alive and away in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn’t compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry every day and night just so you won’t cry when your at work or doing every day tasks.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how I feel with Friends hoping they will understand how I feel everyday without my son
Normal is listening to people make excuses why they did not come and see me or how they could not make it at the time of the funeral and me thinking "it doesn’t matter anymore".
I know my son is in “a better place,” but hearing people trying to think up reasons as to why it was my son that was taken from this earth, makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether I’m going to say I have four children or three children, because explaining that my son has died to someone is the hardest thing for me to say.
Normal is asking god why he took your child’s life instead of mine and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing in your heart you will never get over this loss of my child, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never “really” get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know if you say "only bringing back my son back from the dead could possibly make me better.” But saying this will make you look insane.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you run in to and telling them you are fine and ok when they ask “How are you” or say “you look good”. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you start crying. You’ve learned it’s easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it’s probably never going to get any better — ever.
And last of all…
Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal.”

Permalink Reply by Linda crawley on June 19, 2009 at 1:32pm

Twila, This is the best description ever! You have covered it all.

Twila said:

What is normal?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because my son is missing from all the important events in our family’s life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to put on his grave that he would have loved.
Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if’s & why didn’t I’s go through your head constantly.
Normal is thinking of the accident continuously through your mind, wondering if my son suffered or was in pain.
Normal is thinking of every happy event in his daughter’s life he will miss and I will see knowing he will not share it with her, breaks my heart.
Normal is talking of my child’s death and trying to keep from crying each time I say "died" because I still don’t believe it. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your “normal.”
Normal is thinking of first year without him coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my son memory and his birthday and how am I going to survive these days. And trying to find a way to get thru these occasion without him.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my son loved. Thinking how he would have loved it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, “Siaosi”.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, and months after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is alive and away in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn’t compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry every day and night just so you won’t cry when your at work or doing every day tasks.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how I feel with Friends hoping they will understand how I feel everyday without my son
Normal is listening to people make excuses why they did not come and see me or how they could not make it at the time of the funeral and me thinking "it doesn’t matter anymore".
I know my son is in “a better place,” but hearing people trying to think up reasons as to why it was my son that was taken from this earth, makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether I’m going to say I have four children or three children, because explaining that my son has died to someone is the hardest thing for me to say.
Normal is asking god why he took your child’s life instead of mine and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing in your heart you will never get over this loss of my child, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never “really” get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know if you say "only bringing back my son back from the dead could possibly make me better.” But saying this will make you look insane.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you run in to and telling them you are fine and ok when they ask “How are you” or say “you look good”. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you start crying. You’ve learned it’s easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it’s probably never going to get any better — ever.
And last of all…
Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal.”

Permalink Reply by Karen Runkle on June 20, 2009 at 9:09am

Twila said:

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours

and not expect to get over my son's death,

but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my son's life, not just his death,

and in the comfort of all those treasured days

and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my son,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world

I could of done to save my son from death,

I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my son's memory

by doing something with another child

because I know that would make my own son proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship

to another bereaved parent

for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,

I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving

and the only reason I hurt is because

I had the privilege of loving my son so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.

I am fortunate to be who I am

and have had my son for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,

for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my son did,

my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more

Permalink Reply by Karen Runkle on June 20, 2009 at 9:25am

Words of what a mother who knows what a cherished life we got to form and be a gift in itself .But to lose that gift is one of the hardest pain of owning.And to have to go on with life itself is no easy task. I lost my son Samuel Lewis Runkle almost 5yrs. ago and still have my blue days.Maybe there will come a time when normal isn't a ugly word in my vocabulary.

Permalink Reply by kristi on June 20, 2009 at 4:57pm

how them words just right,i had to go throu graduation not knowning that my son was not there but to help his class mates out by just being there.they present me with a yearbook signed.i was numb i didnt feel a thing,but i will say that i was there for the kids for 2 and a half years and i will be there till they dont need me no more/my son died oct 7th,2006 i put on a front for my friends and family but they know when i am hurting.i went support group but for the summer we quit and we lost one of the ladies that was in there she was so funny and stuff,i dont know how to deal with it.but my son would of graduated may 31st,2009 i know he was there with us throu the whole thing.these kids still rememeber him went throu school together.they planted a tree for him,did a fundraiser to help us with the cost of the funeral and everything,.this community is so nice and small everyone knows everyone.so i think what you wrote is so nice and it fits what we need to hear,my friends are here for me and i am there for them to.thanks for listening kristi
Karen Runkle said:

Twila said:
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours

and not expect to get over my son's death,

but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my son's life, not just his death,

and in the comfort of all those treasured days

and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my son,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world

I could of done to save my son from death,

I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my son's memory

by doing something with another child

because I know that would make my own son proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship

to another bereaved parent

for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,

I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving

and the only reason I hurt is because

I had the privilege of loving my son so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.

I am fortunate to be who I am

and have had my son for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,

for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my son did,

my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more

Permalink Reply by EdiGonzales on June 21, 2009 at 4:33am

Twila said:

I have not been on this site for a while but I like what I have read so far. But I am selfish I want my son here with me and where I can see him but I know that can never be anylonger... I miss him so much and I wished I could touch him and see him one more time I still have not had a dream of him and it is now going on 6 months I still feel like "is this really happening to me" my son is gone just a total disbelief at times then I feel he is in a good place and its going to be ok. I miss him so much I went on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking my son is gone and still smiling and trying to enjoy my time there but that thought would not leave my mind and on the plane I was thinking my son is gone and he is not there when I get home..he is still not here. I look at alot of parents when they are with their children and wonder how they would feel and see little boys runing about with their parents I cant help but wish I had my son here with me still. I think maybe I should have waited to have my son a little longer maybe he would still be here...all the what if's that cross my mind. When all I really want is my son my baby...he was 18 but still he was my baby...I was told today you have 3 daughters they need you and I know this but I still cant see it...I dont know I am just going to have a very tough first year without my son and many to come....it is so hard

Permalink Reply by EdiGonzales on June 21, 2009 at 4:33am

EdiGonzales said:

Twila said:
I have not been on this site for a while but I like what I have read so far. But I am selfish I want my son here with me and where I can see him but I know that can never be anylonger... I miss him so much and I wished I could touch him and see him one more time I still have not had a dream of him and it is now going on 6 months I still feel like "is this really happening to me" my son is gone just a total disbelief at times then I feel he is in a good place and its going to be ok. I miss him so much I went on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking my son is gone and still smiling and trying to enjoy my time there but that thought would not leave my mind and on the plane I was thinking my son is gone and he is not there when I get home..he is still not here. I look at alot of parents when they are with their children and wonder how they would feel and see little boys runing about with their parents I cant help but wish I had my son here with me still. I think maybe I should have waited to have my son a little longer maybe he would still be here...all the what if's that cross my mind. When all I really want is my son my baby...he was 18 but still he was my baby...I was told today you have 3 daughters they need you and I know this but I still cant see it...I dont know I am just going to have a very tough first year without my son and many to come....it is so hard