Thanks Kristi. I do plan on keeping him alive. I just need to get to the point where I can clean my apartment up. His shoes are still next to my dinig room table, where he put them the last time he took them off. I still haven't put the sheets back on my bed. God, I haven't even cleaned my carpets yet to get the blood and vomit stains out. The only thing that I regret is that I don't have a grave sight to visit. His body was returned to his family in Virginia (I am in Texas) and he was cremated. His sister has his ashes in her China cabinet.
My son James passed away suddenly on Nov.30th 2007, one month before his birthday on Dec.30th. He was going to be 30 yrs. old. He didn't make it. He always told me he wouldn't live to long, had a feeling. He had a hard childhood growing up and was diagnosed with ADHD and had a terrible time in school. He had health and mental issues along with medications. I was with him in my apt. on Nov.30th.2007 when he came in to tell me he didn't feel good, his eyes were yellow and we sat and talked. (We did talk about everything, health, feelings, mood, etc.) but this day was different. He went into the bedroon to eat a hamburger and was falling asleep, so I laid him down and said go to sleep. Well he did, I would walk by the room and I could here him snoring. About 1hr, or a little more I left to pick up his fiancee from work (only 5 min.away)and when we got back talked about 5 mim. She said she had something for him and I said lets give it to him now. As I opened the door I could feel that the room was cold, she turned on a little flashlight to his face and it looked like he was sleeping with a smile on his face, positioned the same way I laid him down. She said he wasn't breathing and turned on the light. He had passed away. I can't really go into it at this time even though its been a year but I feel I'm falling apart more often now and crying. I went to look up a sight on young adults and sucide and came across yours. I hope its o.k. what I said, I needed to talk to someone right now Alice
Hi Alice,my name is Elaine and I am sad about what you are going through. Right now you need God and Professional Counseling. After you seek help,please keep in touch and let us know how you accomplished with your professional help. I am sorry,but I will be praying with you asking God for inner peace and comfort for you.....Elaine
Hello Elaine, thank you for the advice on God and professional counseling. I do pray everyday, and tried to go to grief meetings, but I have no car, and don't know very many people here that would take me. I went to this site this afternoon but couldn't write anything. I just was reading everything on the site from so many people. I guess just knowing there are other people out there that had a terrible experience with a death from a friend or family memeber makes me know I'm not alone. I will keep trying, but at times the saddness overwhelms me and I just go to the bedroom where he died and just cry. Talk to you again I hope Alice
alice,hi my condoleces.i never dealt with someone dieing in my home,but i do work in a nursing home and i see it once every year.it is sad.i go to a support group and crying is the best thing.for your sons birthday go to the cemetary and give him his favorite food and a bake a cake.we do that for my son.and they say light a candle and write in ajournal it is a good thing and if you still cant cry,people know what your going throu and they cry with you.i will say i went to support group this tuesday and there was people there i didnt know and instead of crying i was laughing.i think they thought i was nuts but i was thinking about my son and talking about him.but his friend died last week 2 years after my son and it was hard living it all over again.and feeling bad for the parents.but if you want come on at anytime were here for you ok.thanks kristi
Hello Kristi, I do go to the cemetary,lite a candle for him every day, watch the films I have of him and cry quite a bit. I try to do something possitive for myself its just lately I'm very down, I just keep thinking about james pain and saddness and all the bad times he had. I have his picture of him smiling on my desktop but 3 yrs. of pain he delt with I just keep coming back to and finding him the way I did (with his fiancee) I think its really hitting me now. Thanks for what you said and your support Alice
thats ok we are here for you ok.you know one day it was snowing so bad out that i was at work and i was thinking about my son and i broke down,i think that weather has something to do with.because i get the blues alot.thanks and keep in touch
Alice, I knew you needed someone to respond and I am hear for you to talk to. It has been a year since I lost my sister. She also suffered mental illness and mostly from all the medication she developed a lot of physical problems. Even after a year I still greive deeply because I was her http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspxer guardian and cared for her for years so now there is that hole in my heart. I take great comfort in the fact that she is now with God and free of all that pain life brought. I created her memorial website and that has helped me tremendously. I am like you in that I think it hit me more a year later and I am really not sure why other than I felt this deep need that she not be forgotten. I sent the link to her site for you and it might be something you want to do. I will keep you in prayer. Stephanie
Stephanie, I have been reading all the sad and terrible experiences from what people have gone through and thank-you for your reply. James had a piece of his lung removed and up untill he died he was on medications for pain & for his depression. I realize the signs were all there when I look back, but I did not take them seriously. He had beautiful blue eyes and a great personality, but when he took to drinking and pills for pain & saddness & depression it was like he turned into someone else I did not know. We screamed and tried to wake him up, cpr and emergency, but it was no use. I was like a zombi, I still think I'm in a different time, and that he hasn't died. He knew what he was doing when he took all those pills and the only thing I can say is that he is at piece but I miss him to much. Alice
Alice, I understand. I spend a lot of time with my mind and heart doing battle. My mind knows she is at peace and even my heart but at times my heart breaks because I miss her and wish life could have been different for her. We just have to keep reminding ourselves but at the same time it is necessary to grieve. No matter what this was someone we loved and a significant part of our lives. I hope in time all you see in your thoughts are those beautiful blue eyes and not the pain. My sister had the sweetest smile and that is what I try to remember. Take Care Stephanie
Alice, I am sorry for your loss. It sound very similiar to my situation. The only difference is that I didn't leave. I was debating about going to work to close the bar with a friend who was by hinself because I thought Bill was going to fall asleep since he had just taken some Nyquil. That is one thing I am grateful for, that I didn't leave. I can't imagine the guilt I would have had if I would have left him home alone that night and came back to find him dead on my bed. I can barely live with it now. I can't imagine how I would feel. You can talk any time...The only people I don't talk to are our 2 best friends and his sister. I do talk to them but I try not to 'dump' on our friends because they have taken it hard and I will never tell his family the details of that night. I have told them that he collapsed in my room and died in my arms. I don't believe they need to know the details in between those 2 points.