At 44 it is so hard to look ahead and think of possibly how many years I have left to go on without my love. Together since 17, married at 19...thinking we had forever... a lot longer forever than we had. The dreams, the plans, the growing old together is all that ever mattered. Now it's like looking into the abyss and seeing nothing there.
Update August 12, 2010
I can't believe it has been just over a year since I shared these feelings of despair. Although I am moving forward...I'm working on getting a degree so that I can create a financially stable environment for my family, I've since become a Grandma to a beautiful baby girl ~ Lilyanna Tommi, and my 13 year old, who was and still is so lost without his Dad, just turned 15 and is becoming a man before my eyes...I still can't shake these feelings.
I know I'm doing what I have to do, most of the time I do everything subconsciously, almost like robotic autopilot. I do what I have to do because I have no other choice. I still see a long, lonely future ahead of me without Tom by my side. All the unfinished dreams are probably the hardest things...we had so many plans for our future.
I want my family to grow, move forward, and be happy. And in a sense I guess we are...the happy part we are still trying to figure out, though. Life is not always pretty, some days are harder than others, but I have to keep moving forward. I don't want to be in this life, but I wasn't given a choice. Like all of you, I was thrown into this journey totally unprepared. I'm making my way in this new life, as a new person...my shell is tougher to crack now...I'm a little harsher than I used to be...I miss the old me, I miss the US we used to be. LIke it or not the world keeps revolving, we just have to try and keep up. I'm doing all I can to hang on tight, to honor Tom in all I do, and make him proud.
I am still looking into the abyss, that hasn't changed, but somehow I've changed along the way.
I think Tom would be very proud of you. Keep up the good work.
You are an inspiration to all of us.
I don't ever think of moving on with another person, i never want go through this mess again and wouldn't wish it on another person, so i will just wait till it's my time to meet mike again, what a joyouse time that will be hugs to all
Jerry said:I sometimes feel that sooner would be better also, but I know that my wife would not like to hear that. I believe she is in Gods hands now and that I have more things to take care of here on earth.I have already had a few people ask me about dating or going out and have some contact with the opposite sex, but as far as I can tell it is not in any of my plans. As I read the postings here it seems that the ones that have lost thier spouses had great marriages and that no one would ever be able to take the lost ones place. My feelings exactly.
Randolph L. Schrader said:Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.
My Joe was only 33 when he left this world on June 2nd of this year. I just turned 45. We only had 5 and a half years together but we made them count. Now, I too, look towards the future and see...no more romance. And I'm a lover of love<3 But I am damaged goods. I was burned badly as a teen, I am a single mother of a 6 year old and, worst, I am HIV+. I'm a really nice, smart person, and holding up ok for middle age but, I am a NYer and a realist. No decent man would want me. What can I do?? I try not to look too long and hard down that road into the future; one day at a time, a wise man once said. But YOU, Marlena, are still young and obviously involved with life and I have a great feeling that a new love story will begin for you. And your Tom will guide you to it. But, when you are ready. You are not ready right now, nor is your family, it sounds like. You have loads of time! It will happen when you least expect, too.