Greetings, all

I was wondering if any of you have experienced the following: the anniversary of Byron's death was 29 June 2010 - and except for one person, no one called or contacted me that day.

About a week later, I received several contacts from friends and family saying, "well, I didn't want to disturb you on that day; I thought you might be too upset, etc, etc, etc"

I guess this surprises me - I _wanted_ people to remember; I _wanted_ people to take note of the date - one person told me, "I didn't want to hear you crying...." Okayyyyyy.

I awoke early that day, cried for about 15-20 minutes, opened my Memory Box, looked at his baby pictures, our wedding pictures, his doctoral graduation pictures - then got ready for work, because it is The Summer Of Oil And The Great Data Center Move Of 2010 (my company is moving its data centers, and I am in the thick of it)

I have a peace about his death - it was his time to go, and even though I miss my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus - he is not in the absolute agony he was in, anymore, and I am glad for that!

Peace, comfort, healing and blessings be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Replies to This Discussion

LINDA, I AM 55 AND I SWITCHED MY WORK SCEDUALE TO WHERE I NOW WORK 3PM TILL 11PM. IT IS A LITTLE BETTER BECAUSE MY NIGHTS ARENT QUITE AS LONG. HOWEVER I STILL COME HOME AND AM NOT TIRED ENOUGH FOR SLEEP. USUALLY FALL ASLEEP AROUND 2AM BUT TOSS AND TURN UNTIL I GET UP AROUND 9 OR 10 AM. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE FEB. I ALSO DONT HAVE A COMPUTER AT HOME SO I DONT EVEN HAVE THAT TO DO AT HOME. HAD TO LET ALOT OF THINGS GO TO CUT BACK ON EXPENSES AFTER MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.WEEKENDS ARE REALLY HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I DONT GET TO COME TO WORK. ALSO THAT WAS WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I USUALLY HAD THE MOST TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER.I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU, AND I AM HERE MON-FRI IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK.
Hi Linda, it will be a year on Aug 5th since Brad left me and I feel like I've gone backwards. First it was everything that had to be handled and taken care of, I got through all of that, I don't know how, I don't remember. But now it has really "sunk" in what has happened. I like to talk about Brad because we had the perfect love but people don't want to bring it up and when I do they change the subject. I don't want people to forget him! I don't know what I will do on Aug 5th, but I want to celebrate his life, even though it will tear me up inside. I just want to see his smile and hold his hand once again. Thinking of all of you, as you are the only friends I have and you understand.
Hugs to all,
Barb

Linda said:
I agree - my phone never rings anymore unless it's my kids. If I didn't have a job to go to I don't know how I'd survive this. But even at work they never mention my husband - I know they're afraid it will make me cry. And it does, but I still need to talk about him. So I'm trying to talk about it when I feel strong enough. The evenings are so long and lonely though. I'm only 56 - could be alone a long time so I need to learn how. Thank you for your concern.
Barb,

All of us here had the perfect love -- a love that has since been taken away from us physically. Douglas died on July 17, 2009 and I am very anxious about this coming Saturday. At the time of his death there was so much to do and I was constantly on the run. And like most of you my phone stopped ringing as well. Is it because people don't know what to say? Not sure how to answer that question. People at work walk around the subject of Douglas as well. He lived, we loved, he got ill, he died. Why do people act as though the person never existed? Out of sight, out of mind?? Not for me or any of you who is on the same path as I am -- the path of grief. It is a path we must all travel in order to find our new life. Some of us are more ahead of the others, but the reality is that we are still experiencing the pain of loss. I loved Douglas with all my heart and always will. Here is something my daugher emailed to me the other day: "I hurt for me because I miss so much about him, but I hurt even more for you because I know that he was your world. While I can't possibly fill the void he left in your life, I can offer you friendship, love, and support. I am blessed to have my mom in my life, and I hope we grow even closer as we both age." I am going to be okay -- maybe not 100% any time soon, but okay. We will always love and miss our spouse/partner. Douglas will always hold a corner of my heart. And I appreciate all of you for your support, wise words, and friendship.

Peace,

Brigitte
Barb said:
Hi Linda, it will be a year on Aug 5th since Brad left me and I feel like I've gone backwards. First it was everything that had to be handled and taken care of, I got through all of that, I don't know how, I don't remember. But now it has really "sunk" in what has happened. I like to talk about Brad because we had the perfect love but people don't want to bring it up and when I do they change the subject. I don't want people to forget him! I don't know what I will do on Aug 5th, but I want to celebrate his life, even though it will tear me up inside. I just want to see his smile and hold his hand once again. Thinking of all of you, as you are the only friends I have and you understand.
Hugs to all,
Barb

Linda said:
I agree - my phone never rings anymore unless it's my kids. If I didn't have a job to go to I don't know how I'd survive this. But even at work they never mention my husband - I know they're afraid it will make me cry. And it does, but I still need to talk about him. So I'm trying to talk about it when I feel strong enough. The evenings are so long and lonely though. I'm only 56 - could be alone a long time so I need to learn how. Thank you for your concern.
I feel so lost without Brad and I don't want to face my life alone without him by my side. I don't know what I will do on Aug 5th, the 1st annniversary of his death. My daughter's say we should plan to do something he would enjoy but what if I don't feel like it? I can't even change my status to say Widowed, I still have Married on it because I do feel like I'm still married. I'm afraid if I use the "W" word, then I will really fall apart. Any thoughts on this?
Barb
Greetings, everyone,

My Bereavement Counselor once sent me something that talked about our beloved dead as being 'the elephant in the room' - that large, present something that others simply will not, fear to, cannot deal with....he and two other people are the only ones who don't try to change the subject or squirm when I want to talk about Byron.

Before Byron died - I knew NOTHING about the "Funeral-Industrial Complex" - funeral homes, funeral arrangements, caskets, urns, cremation, resomation (cremation without the fire - a heated solution of potassium hydroxide under pressure is used to reduce the body to cremains - used in laboratories to dispose of animal carcasses - not approved for use in the United States, as of yet), "green" burial - the whole thing. Other than the occasional Forest Lawn Mortuaries commercials (which are _carefully_ couched to avoid the "D-words" (death, dying, dead, deceased)) - there is _very little_ encroachment of death and dying upon the world of the living

So - here all of us are, who live the constant reality of our beloveds' death - and we are "people without a country" - only those who have likewise lost as we have lost have the ability or the desire to be open to our pain and grief.

I make a _conscious_ point to say that "Byron _died_; Byron is _dead_" - I want others to _know_ that he is no longer here with me, that I can no longer hear his wonderful voice, feel his arms around me, revel in his particular warm, manly aroma and rag on him because of the diminiutive dimensions of his posterior and his lack of melanin (a constant source of amusement to the both of us was the physical differences between us: he was 5'9" and white; I am 6'2" and black and as I tell the network guys at work: "I'm a big girl, I need a big network")

Peace, comfort, healing and blessings be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Barb said:
I feel so lost without Brad and I don't want to face my life alone without him by my side. I don't know what I will do on Aug 5th, the 1st annniversary of his death. My daughter's say we should plan to do something he would enjoy but what if I don't feel like it? I can't even change my status to say Widowed, I still have Married on it because I do feel like I'm still married. I'm afraid if I use the "W" word, then I will really fall apart. Any thoughts on this?
Barb
Try using (N/A until furture advised) !
barb, i understand how you feel. i feel it too. our wedding anniversary will be this saturday july the 17th.we would have been married 11 years and lived together for two.i havent changed my status to widowed as of yet.i also still wear my wedding ring which i have run into two other widows that no longer wear theirs. i just feel so funny about taking it off.i still have all of his clothes and our bedroom still looks exactly the same as when he passed away. the only thing i have done is a cleared out the closet of his office because i was looking for a car title. i just dont have the desire or motivation to hurriedly get rid of everything. but i know he will never be comming home to me. i know as time goes on i seem to be going backwards instead of forwards and concerns me. i havent wanted to be put on medication but i may need grief counciling as someone suggested. at this point i really dont know what i need.i feel very sad because i dont really have but maybe one or two people who are willing to even bring up my husbands name. i want to talk about him because he did live and he did exist.people just act like they are afraid to say his name.i just wish that their was just one other person besides me that miss him as much as i do.take care barb and God Bless you.
Cindy, I know, I wear my wedding rings and I had Brad's sized so I could wear his also. I haven't gone through alot of things because I cannot accept this has happened. On our wedding anniversary I went to the cemetary at sunset and sat there and watched the sunset with him. That was our most favorite thing to do. When we would be on vacation in Florida he would buy a bottle of wine and take me to the beach and we would watch the sunset together. I miss that so much! I am making a scrapbook of our life together and for 5 months after Brad passed away I worked every night and made a slideshow with music and pictures of our life together. That was hard to do every night but it did make me feel closer to him to see his face every night. I matched up every picture with every word to our favorite songs. I watch it alot, many times I cry through the whole thing but sometimes only parts. I have so many good memories, but yes it does hurt to remember them sometimes. Tell me about some good memories with your husband. I'd like to hear about your life together.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Barb

CINDY POWELL said:
barb, i understand how you feel. i feel it too. our wedding anniversary will be this saturday july the 17th.we would have been married 11 years and lived together for two.i havent changed my status to widowed as of yet.i also still wear my wedding ring which i have run into two other widows that no longer wear theirs. i just feel so funny about taking it off.i still have all of his clothes and our bedroom still looks exactly the same as when he passed away. the only thing i have done is a cleared out the closet of his office because i was looking for a car title. i just dont have the desire or motivation to hurriedly get rid of everything. but i know he will never be comming home to me. i know as time goes on i seem to be going backwards instead of forwards and concerns me. i havent wanted to be put on medication but i may need grief counciling as someone suggested. at this point i really dont know what i need.i feel very sad because i dont really have but maybe one or two people who are willing to even bring up my husbands name. i want to talk about him because he did live and he did exist.people just act like they are afraid to say his name.i just wish that their was just one other person besides me that miss him as much as i do.take care barb and God Bless you.
Thanks Tom, but I still feel married. Good phrase to use when I am ready though, thanks! Hope you are having a decent day.
Hugs,
Barb

Tom said:
Barb said:
I feel so lost without Brad and I don't want to face my life alone without him by my side. I don't know what I will do on Aug 5th, the 1st annniversary of his death. My daughter's say we should plan to do something he would enjoy but what if I don't feel like it? I can't even change my status to say Widowed, I still have Married on it because I do feel like I'm still married. I'm afraid if I use the "W" word, then I will really fall apart. Any thoughts on this?
Barb
Try using (N/A until furture advised) !
Cindy they will never understand and I have few people who call because they are concerned and lend me their ears, which is nice but no one understands my pain like everyone on this site. They might not understand you Cindy but we will always.

Hugs

CINDY POWELL said:
To randolph and connie,
I wonder everyday how people can be so cruel. I have very few calls and noone ever comes to the house. If i need someone to talk to i have to call them. Sometimes i will only get the answering machine. even my own family doesnt understand. they think i should just get on with my life.i dont think people really care how i am doing, they dont know how to respond to me anymore and that makes them feel uncomfortable. even the people i work with either dont care or have forgotten i lost a husband a major part of my life.everyone has just gone on with their life and have forgotten all about my loss. i truly believe that i will try and help other grieving people to the best of my ability just because i know how much pain we all are in.God Bless us all.
I am still married and always will be married in my heart to an extrodinary, wonderful and full of beauty and kindness husband. I kept both of our rings so I can give it to my children, I have a daughter and a son, when either I pass away or when they get married. As for "family" and "friends" ,I rather be alone and meet like minded people then wast my time. This whole experience has left me bitter and dissappoited with people and not trusting anyone with anything. At the beginning I was this happly married wife of Fernando Santini and now i feel like an old bitter woman. As Brigitte so rightly spotted that people act like out of sight out of mind. So I do the same with them, so they can understand how this feel my feelings.I am making sure that peole know that I always be Fernando Santini's wife and no one will forget this, keeing his memories alive. My emotions are so mixed up that sometimes I can not even talk to somone and avoid anyone at all times. I am only grieveing and I can not deal with stupid people. All of us are real people who lost someone who we loved and lived with and everyone else behaves as we are handicapped.

with lots of hugs to everyone
Fernandohulya, hugs to you. Hugs are good. It shows on this site, over and over, that we are truly alone and only have ourselves to trust and depend on.

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