Hi Everyone-

I never imagined myself needing this type of support....I know there are probably a lot of people who feel that way.

My husband passed away on Sunday 10/4/2009 while running at the Rock N' roll San Jose 1/2 marathon. He was 35 years old. We were together for 17 years and married for 1 year (9/7/08). I was waiting for him at the finish line but he never showed. He collapsed about 1/10th of a mile from the finish line and from where I stood waiting for him I could see the ambulance and fire truck who were helping him. He passed me in the ambulance and I had no idea. The initial autopsy was inconclusive and they're running more tests.

I have a HUGE support system (more than I ever could have imagined) but feel very alone...especially at night. We were trying to have a baby since we were married last year. At this point, I don't know if we were succesful this past cycle. I can only hope for that miracle out of this terrible tradgedy.

To Drue- How sad I felt when I read your comment about not sharing your cake on your first anniversary. I don't have an answer for you but please know I feel your pain & struggle. We saved 1/2 of our first year cake for the second year. How precious my memories of Brandon & I sharing that cake are now. I'm so sorry.

We are flying my Husband's body to his hometown in IL and will have his funeral on Monday 10/12. His memorial service will be where we live in CA so that his friends and co-workers can share his memory with us.

I'm sure I will be here many late, lonely nights and appreciate that I have people to turn to who are experiencing the same pain.

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Replies to This Discussion

My prayers are with you Jennifer and all that have lost loved ones. I came across this site looking to put an ad in the paper for the 5 year anniversary of my husbands death. He was 44yo and died of Brain Cancer. I remember like it was yesterday the fog I seemed to be in the first 2 weeks after his death. I console myself with the fact that I kept my promises to him and we had the time that we
did together though not nearly long enough. He was diagnosed in April of 2004, and was told treatment or no treatment he had 6 - 9 months to live. The ride home from Boston was silent. I think we didn't actually speak whole sentences
until the next day. Neither of us new what to say- I often wondered if it was better that we knew he would die soon or if suddenly would have been.... uhm ..easier? I treasured those days I had but at the same time lived in the dread of the inevitable. Anyway, what I wanted to say is it does get easier, and
talking to people that have experienced the loss of a spouse is extremely helpful.
Friends are supportive, but after a while I find that they go on with their lives,
and you go on with that empty feeling. Nothing will ever be the same, the day to
day stuff gets easier, and other things will busy your time, and eventually your tears will turn to fond smiles of times you shared. I know this is all so sudden for
you and I will pray for your miracle. Do not let grief take over. Anyone who has lost someone they love knows how precious every minute is. God Bless.
My condolences, Jennifer. I lost my Love, one month, 10 days today to lung cancer. We shared 29 wonderful, loving years together. People say it does get easier with time, but I dread getting up in the morning to face another day and night without him. I'm surrounded by supportive family and friends, but I'm very much alone. Yes, they do go on with their own lives. I hope they realize what a treasure they have with a loving spouse by their side. I check this site every night. I am here if you need to talk, vent or cry.

With Warm Aloha, Linda
My prayers are with you Jennifer. I too lost my husband 7 months ago, due to cancer. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and also with kidney cancer, back in Oct.'08, and passed away on Mar. 7, 2009. It has been a very difficult time for me, but I have to keep on going. My son will be receiving his Eagle Scout Award with a Court of Honor celebration tomorrow afternoon, is going to be difficult without my husband, but I know he will be there looking down at us. I have alot of memories of him, that keep us going, and just take one day at a time. God Bless, and take care.
My prayers go out to each of you. I lost my husband 9/2/09, and I'm trying to plan his memorial service now, for a week from tomorrow. We put off the service until a time both of my sisters could be here when my pastor was not out of town, which gives us a bit more space to get used to the loss before the service. But of course no amount of time will be enough, it seems. A friend of mine, who lost a son unexpectedly some years ago, told me that the grieving process takes longer than most of society is comfortable with, and I can see that. Some friends and co-workers are always there with a hug, and some just tip-toe around me. Some ask me how I'm doing every time they see me, but how do they think I'm doing? I'm shattered, I'm hollow, I'm not me any more. I'm going to try to find a local grief support group. I hope you all find the support you need. Jennifer, I pray for your miracle; Sally, I pray for strength during the Eagle Scout Court of Honor; Linda, Cindy, I share your grief, and you are all in my prayers today. God bless us all and keep us going.
Wendela, My heart aches for you because I know only to well what you are going through now. Many think that once the memorial is over, we should be able to snap back and go on with our lives. They are people that have never suffered a loss as ours. Thank you for your blessings. My prayers are with you and your family in this very difficult time and may he give us all the strength to carry on.

With Warm Aloha, Linda
Linda said:
Wendela, My heart aches for you because I know only to well what you are going through now. Many think that once the memorial is over, we should be able to snap back and go on with our lives. They are people that have never suffered a loss as ours. Thank you for your blessings. My prayers are with you and your family in this very difficult time and may he give us all the strength to carry on.

With Warm Aloha, Linda
Thank you, Linda, your words are a comfort. I guess we'll all just keep praying and get through this somehow and sometime, but not soon I'm afraid. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Blessings, Wendela

Wendela said:
Linda said:
Wendela, My heart aches for you because I know only to well what you are going through now. Many think that once the memorial is over, we should be able to snap back and go on with our lives. They are people that have never suffered a loss as ours. Thank you for your blessings. My prayers are with you and your family in this very difficult time and may he give us all the strength to carry on.

With Warm Aloha, Linda
Jennifer
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 7 months ago due to pancreatic cancer. We were married for 29 years. I feel the loss everyday. It never goes away. I can handle it better some days more than others.
Right now you are probably numb, but when all the excitement dies down, there won't be too many left. Let yourself cry. Scream, yell --- whatever it takes. Everyone grieves differently. No one is exactly like you.
I miss my husband at night too! That is worse time for me.
I'll gladly talk to you whenever you need to vent!
Karen
Dear Jen, so sorry for your loss, unexpected or after a long illness, we are never prepared. Treat yourself with tender loving kindness. It was my experience that the after 10 p.m hours seem to be the worst. It is when we are alone with our memories with little to distract us. To help ease the intensity, especially during those early months, try keeping your hands busy - it helps distract from eating or drinking. I used to knit while watching TV...I never knitted anything just knitted a row back and forth --- if you know how to knit (which I did not) you may be more productive...the rythme and concentration on the stitches is what helped focus my mind. I know it sounds silly but it worked. I also recommend writing your thoughts down during this time. I did and turned it into a book, Moving Through Loss. It has been 7 years for me and things have been better for a while now...I never would have thought that in the early days. Just take care of yourself.....Many Blessings to you....Chris B.
My prayers go out to all of you, my beloved Gene has been gone almost a year, sometimes it seems forever and sometimes it seems only yesterday, I have also learned that the pain and loneliness is the hardest i think, we were married many years and now I'm having to do things that I never thought i would do much less do alone, We had no closer because Gene died in S.Carolina and we had to have a closed casket and our grandbabies did and still dont understand what happen to grandpa, the memories is what keeps us going sometimes, i have four daughters all very close to their dad, when they get down i have them tell me something they remembered about their dad, the grandkids watch the stars because grandpa is delivering prayers for God, as for me i wish i could say its ok, i tried to take my life two weeks ago, everyone tells me to try and get on with my life but what they didnt understand was "Gene" was my life, I have started grief counceling in my area and im on here everyday. it seems to help to know that im really not alone, I dont know if this will help anyone but i have come to depend on this site when things get really bad or when I dont think i can handle another minute in this world. I wish i could say it will be ok but i dont know if and when it will everyone says with time and faith in God you will get thru it.
Rene, I'm so glad you did not take your life when you felt so down. You knew how hard that would have been on your daughters and grandbabies. But I do know your pain and missing him. I'm still in the early days, sometimes I'm just numb, or in denial, or I just go on "automatic" and walk through the day hollow. I have work which keeps my mind occupied sometimes, but I'm very distracted, and I forget what I'm doing. Still, having work of some kind is good. If you don't have a job, or don't have one you enjoy, have you thought about volunteering somewhere, such as at a school, telling stories to children, or rocking babies in the neonatal unit of your local hospital? Starting something brand new, that you never did with Gene, might be a good thing. My kids have been coming up with new foods that we never had before, such as spaghetti tacos, fajizzas, and Nan flat bread, just to be trying something new or different, to shake up our routine a bit. God bless you, Rene, just keep holding on, and I will, too.

Rene said:
My prayers go out to all of you, my beloved Gene has been gone almost a year, sometimes it seems forever and sometimes it seems only yesterday, I have also learned that the pain and loneliness is the hardest i think, we were married many years and now I'm having to do things that I never thought i would do much less do alone, We had no closer because Gene died in S.Carolina and we had to have a closed casket and our grandbabies did and still dont understand what happen to grandpa, the memories is what keeps us going sometimes, i have four daughters all very close to their dad, when they get down i have them tell me something they remembered about their dad, the grandkids watch the stars because grandpa is delivering prayers for God, as for me i wish i could say its ok, i tried to take my life two weeks ago, everyone tells me to try and get on with my life but what they didnt understand was "Gene" was my life, I have started grief counceling in my area and im on here everyday. it seems to help to know that im really not alone, I dont know if this will help anyone but i have come to depend on this site when things get really bad or when I dont think i can handle another minute in this world. I wish i could say it will be ok but i dont know if and when it will everyone says with time and faith in God you will get thru it.
I lost my husband suddenly 3 and a half years ago. We were together for 10 years, married for just a year and a half. He was a wonderful man, and I miss him daily. It never gets easier, that was the best advice I ever got. As a 32 y/o widow you never expect to go through something like this and no one really knows what to say. Friends don't understand, and even my mom couldn't comfort or advise me because my father is still living. A neighbor who had lost her husband 5 years previous came to me a few weeks after the service and told me "it never gets better, it gets easier to tolerate." Unbelievably when I stopped waiting for that magic day it was suddenly better, and started to learn how to live day to day tolerating this horrible tragedy, it did get easier to tolerate. I live day to day, still, as do my kids. We have our ups and downs, I have times I grab the phone to call and tell him something great and moments I still yell at him about the bad things. I questioned my faith, my life, and my love at that moment, and still do periodically, but I know God had a reason for this, although I am yet to figure it out. I have put my life in His hands and live each day to it's fullest. I am not a religous person, but there are times I just need to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. It does get more tolerable, but it never goes away, you never forget, you never want to forget, you move forward, but never move on, and you continue to live with the memories in your heart. After three and a half years, I still have sleepless nights and endless days, and they are a welcome as well as a curse. I hate the reminder of what is lost as much as I love the memories of love, laughter, friendship, and family we had. You live and learn, you begin to reach out again, and you get up each day because that is what he would want me to do, and that's just how you do it. It sounds simple, but I know it isn't, just keep saying it to yourself and it will get easier to tolerate.

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