Hi Everyone-

I never imagined myself needing this type of support....I know there are probably a lot of people who feel that way.

My husband passed away on Sunday 10/4/2009 while running at the Rock N' roll San Jose 1/2 marathon. He was 35 years old. We were together for 17 years and married for 1 year (9/7/08). I was waiting for him at the finish line but he never showed. He collapsed about 1/10th of a mile from the finish line and from where I stood waiting for him I could see the ambulance and fire truck who were helping him. He passed me in the ambulance and I had no idea. The initial autopsy was inconclusive and they're running more tests.

I have a HUGE support system (more than I ever could have imagined) but feel very alone...especially at night. We were trying to have a baby since we were married last year. At this point, I don't know if we were succesful this past cycle. I can only hope for that miracle out of this terrible tradgedy.

To Drue- How sad I felt when I read your comment about not sharing your cake on your first anniversary. I don't have an answer for you but please know I feel your pain & struggle. We saved 1/2 of our first year cake for the second year. How precious my memories of Brandon & I sharing that cake are now. I'm so sorry.

We are flying my Husband's body to his hometown in IL and will have his funeral on Monday 10/12. His memorial service will be where we live in CA so that his friends and co-workers can share his memory with us.

I'm sure I will be here many late, lonely nights and appreciate that I have people to turn to who are experiencing the same pain.

Views: 68

Replies to This Discussion

Hi Jennifer, my name is Pamela I read your story and I found myself crying more and more. I also lost my husband this past January on the 23rd. He was only 35 yrs old, he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep from a heart attack. We were married 9 yrs on December 31st. He was and is my soul mate, best friend, wonderful father and loving husband. We have two boys and a little girl together. Loosing him has been very hard on us. It will be 9 months this month and I feel like it was yesterday. It gets easier is what everyone says, but I still feel like I am in this nightmare that just happened yesterday. I will pray for your miracle and just reading all the letters from all the other widows seems like they are the only ones who really understand what we are going through. I feel like I lost half of me and my heart on that horrible day. I never got to say goodbye, I miss him so much it hurts. Take Care and know if you ever want to talk I am here.

Pamela
Hi, My name is Tric and I just came across this site. My husband died in Jan. 09, and I could relate to so much that has been said. I feel that I lost more than just a best friend. I feel that in so many ways I have lost myself, and that I need to find out who I really am. My life was so connected to my husband, we did so much together. Our youngest daughter had just graduated from High School, and we were empty nesters for about 5 months, we were so happy together. After he passed away, I felt that I was in a time warp for several months, with the world just spinning past me, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get back on. I have been so grateful for the support that I have recieved, but you really do feel so alone. My mom passed away exactly 6 months to the day that my husband passed, and it was hard, but not like loosing a spouse. My heart goes out to all of you, and it is good to have a reminder that I am not alone in this. I have been very blessed by our saviors love. It will be our 25th anniversary this next month, and I want to be able to say that it has been a wonderful 25 years. I miss him so much, and I am not sure if the tears are going to stop. But I do cherish the time we had together, and look forward to the time when we will be together again. thanks for letting me share.

Tric
I can totally relate to what you have expressed here. My husband died 9/2/09 and I have not truly encompassed what this loss really means yet - I'm getting by one day at a time with work and the kids, but the huge permanence of the loss is still hovering around at the edges of my denial, sometimes it looms up in my peripheral vision, and then it backs off into the shadows again. I am so thankful for my support system: sisters, friends, church, family, and for a faith that promises we will be together again, but it is so hard being here now without him. Everything is hard - breathing air is like trying to inhale pudding sometimes, chewing and swallowing food can be a tremendous effort, everyday things are exhausting. And then I go to work putting on a veneer of normalcy and busy-ness, and people think I must be doing okay. I'm not okay, but I have faith that I will be closer to okay some day. Everyone understands loss, people I know have gone through divorce or have lost a parent or a grandparent or a friend, and I have suffered those losses, too, but no one really understands the depth and the difference of losing a spouse except someone who has walked that path and experienced it first hand. Thank you, everyone on this site, for being there to 'listen' and to share. God bless you, God bless us all and hold us up and keep us going.

Tric said:
Hi, My name is Tric and I just came across this site. My husband died in Jan. 09, and I could relate to so much that has been said. I feel that I lost more than just a best friend. I feel that in so many ways I have lost myself, and that I need to find out who I really am. My life was so connected to my husband, we did so much together. Our youngest daughter had just graduated from High School, and we were empty nesters for about 5 months, we were so happy together. After he passed away, I felt that I was in a time warp for several months, with the world just spinning past me, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get back on. I have been so grateful for the support that I have recieved, but you really do feel so alone. My mom passed away exactly 6 months to the day that my husband passed, and it was hard, but not like loosing a spouse. My heart goes out to all of you, and it is good to have a reminder that I am not alone in this. I have been very blessed by our saviors love. It will be our 25th anniversary this next month, and I want to be able to say that it has been a wonderful 25 years. I miss him so much, and I am not sure if the tears are going to stop. But I do cherish the time we had together, and look forward to the time when we will be together again. thanks for letting me share.

Tric
I know how you feel I just loss my husband this past March I never got to say goodbye,So I know what your feeling. Susie
Teri:
I have never heard it put this way, "it never gets better, it gets easier to tolerate.". I am so glad that I was given this information today that placed me on this website, or I would have never seen this quote. It is the best description that I have heard and I am glad that someone said it, because it is true.. I lost my husband Richard, it will be one year ago on Nov 4th. His birthday was yesterday Oct 27, he would have been 59. Needless to say, this is an emotional week for me. I, like you, like all of you, dread the evening, that seems to be the worst and loneliest time of the evening. It is quiet and the memories come just flooding back. All you want to do is hold them again and feel the happiness that you both once had. I get up everyday, and go through the motions, but there is no enthusiasm where there used to be. Richard made my life happy and complete and now it seems unrecognizable. I am a woman of faith, and if ever there was a test of it, this is it. I know that God has a plan for us all, but this pain is real, and it is pain that doesn't go away because the funeral is over, and the family and friends have slowly drifted back to their own lives. No one who has never walked this path, will ever understand that, but God bless the one's that truly try. It's ok to be envious of those who still have the life that you used to have, and it's ok to cry about it. Tears clense the soul and we all need to do it anytime, anywhere we need to. I thank God, for the almost 34 years that we had together, and the three precious children that we had. They all look like him, so I have a nice reminder of him when I see them. You don't forget, and it is true, inside, you don't want to forget. As long as you remember, they are never really gone. Share memories with your children and grandchildren if you have them, they will live through them and it will help you to cope. I came onto this website today, to buy the memory book for my husband and saw this website. So glad that I did, it was a nice reminder that I am not alone and neither are any of you. Stay strong and remember your loved one is never far away from you and loves you just as much now as before. I will remember this site, and will place you all in my prayers.
I just found this site I wish I had known about it earlier I lost my husband to cancer February 16 2008 he had suffered since June of 2006 the cancer started in his Bladder & prostate first he had surgery to remove the tumor followed by chemo & radiation in December 2007 the doctor told us he had about two months to live as I said earlier he passed away early morning saturday Feb.16 2008. we were high school sweethearts he was two years older than me we were married July 9 1976 in October of 1986 we were blessed with a baby girl Heather then in June 1990 we were blessed with another daughter Brittney, each girl being daddys girls when we found out that he had cancer we did not speak the entire trip home from the doctor we were both in such shock. I will never be the person I was because part of me is missing he was my rock that I could depend on for anything that I needed now it is all up to me to make life as normal as possible not an easy thing to do I have gone thru great depression my doctor put me on some medication that helps do not be ashamed to take something if you need to alot of people think you are just running from the truth believe me there is no where to run the pain is there 24 /7 I wonder why me ?we were a great couple we had a great marriage but I know God knows what is best he has a plan for all of us it is still hard to understand but one day i will all of this has brought me so much closer to God one of our daughters is very angry at God and will not go to church I pray that will end soon it is hard being alone seems like every where i go i am the only single person there everyone of my friends still have their husbands I tell them all dont sweat the small stuff it will not matter in 5 years if your husband brings mud it the house enjoy every minute that you have with them you never know when it might be your last day together.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand for I lost my fiance Oct 26th when is plane crashed in Texas. All our hopes, plans and dreams went up in smoke leaving everything to be taken away from me. I too never thoought I would need this myself. My support system is unbelievable and it's mostly strangers. I will say that going to church, and I've attended 2 differant ones, it seems be have helped give times I can breath. I wish I knew what I could say to you but maybe we can help each other out and figure it out together.
I will pray for all of us who visit this site. We understand what we're going through in a way that others really can't comprehend. Tomorrow will be 2 months since I lost my husband of 27 years. He was only 54, and he just died suddenly of heart failure. Numbness and a touch of denial carried me a while, and the need to make arrangements, plan the memorial service, drive the kids to all their appointments and classes that their dad used to drive them to, and to keep going to work and try to pretend to be okay. But I'm not okay. It was so much fun being married to David, I loved him so much, I loved being in love with him and being loved by him. What a huge hole is left in my heart! It's hard to imagine the years that stretch out before me without David in my life. Prayer is what holds me up when I can't hold myself up. I'm praying for you, too.

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