As a mentioned in my previous post, I just lost my beloved husband John 12 days ago. Since then I've been trying to be strong, and accept it. Always remembering that he is in heaven, and not suffering any kind pain anymore. But yesterday I received a sympathy card from his relatives including pictures of him, when he was much younger and healthy. The momment I look at the pictures I started cry like crazy, I just wanted to hold and kiss him. He did look so good, Oh God, right now I have tears in my eyes. I miss my soul mate, his touch, his arms around me conforting me when I was sad or afraid, my head against his chest, his sweet warm lips, his smell, his beautiful hazel eyes looking at me with such love. His smile did bright the all room. He used to sing love songs to me a day before he passed away he was singing the theme of 'ghost' movie. I can't recall it now, but it is a beautiful love song(with Demi Moore & Patrick) For 10 yrs that we were together,every single day he did tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful and smart I am. Kissed me a dozen times a day, even when I was driving my car he was holding my pink finger or staring at me.
I'm having such a hard time since yesterday, crying a lot. I look at his medications(15 or more) I get mad, what it did for him???
I told my daughter that I don't want any future relationship with anyone. I just look forward to be with my husband one day. No one can replace him in my heart. My heart belongs to him, I still in love with him. I still married to him. even if we are separated by life and death. My daughter doesn't agree with me I am just 47 yrs old, my husband was 72. She thinks that I should move on and one day find someone else, and be happy. She mentioned that he is dead, and is not longer here among us. I do understand that, but how can I deal with such a pain and loss?
I can't make it disappear overnight, whish I could ;( the memories we shared together plays in my mind over and over like a movie.
Each day is so difficult to live, I don't want to see nobody, I even don't like to talk about his death with neighbors. My body feels weak without energy, even to go out at grocery store I have to push myself. I don't go out unless I have to. I spend most of my time watching tv with my daughter, reading a grieving book, and resting in the sofa located at family room or sleeping. I try to keep my mind clear because I have to take care of myself, my daughter and our 4 little white poodle dogs. Also I have to take care of my financial responsabilities and deal with problems. I feel alone, and depressed specially near to the holidays. I am taking anti anxiety, and antidepressive medication prescripted by my doctor.
I try to go out take my daughter to the movies, to starbuck coffee shop. But the empty feeling still here deep in my heart. I ask God to give me strenght I need it. My emotions like a rollercoaster I can be ok watching tv, or doing something suddenly I start cry like I just can't stop it! My daughter is the reason I keeping going on.
Today is not a good day for me ;( have been 1 week since a buried my love.
I know that I will cry more.....just don't know for how long. Maybe forever.....only God knows ;(

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Brigitte,

Thanks for your reply and support. I sure need as much help I can get right now.
I am sorry for the loss of your beloved husband Douglas just 4 months ago. I understand how you feel very well Brigitte. I have been through everything you just mentioned, my emotions like a roller coaster. I am trying to be strong as much I can for me and my only daughter, but I am so much in pain for the loss of my love 'John' right now just thinking about him I have tears in my eyes. Yesterday, and today I cried a lot. I have pictures of him on my computer file as well, and when I look at them I feel so bad. I miss him so much, wishing I could kiss, and hug him again. I miss everything about him, his good sense of humor, his smile, his beautiful sweet hazel eyes looking at me with love, his touching
and his arms around me. Like you and Douglas we too were soul mates. I never felt so loved, and so comfortable with another person as I did with my John. For 10 years that we spended together every day he did tell me how much he loved me, a dozen kisses a day and always holding my hands, even when I was driving my car. He was a very affectionate husband. Me too I still in love with my husband, my heart belongs to him, I still his wife in my heart. I am 47 yrs old and I don't want another realationship in the future. My husband still alive in my heart, and memories. I feel lonely, he made I feel secure also he was my best friend. It is so hard to continue our journey alone isn't Brigitte?
I feel that a part of me is gone with him. Nothing looks or feels the same. I have no motivation when I look around my house, something is missing the happiness, and brightness that our family had together when husband was alive.
Now it seems lifeless, boring. I am praying for God give me strenght and guidance. One day I know that I will be reunited with my beloved husband John again.
I have faith it and my daughter is what keep me going.
You are in my prayers and thoughts Brigitte. I am here if you need someone to talk to. God bless you!


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