Hi everyone! Today I cried so much as never before :(

Hi,
Hope everyone is doing ok. Today was a very bad day for me. Well, every day is a struggle just to get off bed and take care of things. But today I was very emotional after received by mail a certificate from the President of USA, in honor of my husband John who was an honorable Veteran from Army, he just passed away on October 26, 2009. I looked at so pround of him, also at his funeral I received a American flag in his honor, which I keep with love, care and pround to be his widow. I was feeling very weak today, too much stress and sadness :(

I went to my bedroom then I was looking around, at my husband belongs, everything still the way he left. His shoes, socks, pants and shirts. His mask to sleep with due to sleep apnea, still in the night stand attached to the machine(I used to place the mask myself) I opened the drawer looked at his clothes. Suddenly, I got one of his shirts and hugged smelled it, while laying in my bed and cried so much for about 20 minutes or more without stop it. I couldn't stop crying. I was missing my husband so much, I just wanted his hug, his touch and to tell me that everything would be okay.My daughter got very concerned(she doesn't like seeing me crying) she thinks I can get sick for that.

Oh God I felt so lonely, so insecure without my honey. I feel such a empty hole in my heart, I don't see myself as widow yet, I still think and acting as a married woman. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like my husband still alive, then I have to remember myself that he is gone....and I am alone with my only daughter and my four little poodles, and God.

Why two people who love each other so much have to be apart, forever? Sometimes I ask God to bring my husband back to me, but healthy, or back on time and meet him all over again. Sounds crazy right I know. I am asking for the impossible :(

Maybe someone similar to him? The truth is we don't know....to God everything is possible. I take day by day, minute by minute, and have faith. Is amazing how my daughter who is just 24 years old (looks much younger) is giving me so much strength. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. I am so thankful to God to have her, may God bless her always. She is my angel :) I probably would be sick without her from broken heart :(

Also my I am very attached to one of our poodles. Her name is "Baby Jade" I love her like my baby. She is very closed to me as well. When I feel bad I hold her, she is a sweet beautiful white little thing. Enclosed below is her pictures. Thanks for all who replied to my comments, I don't feel too well today, I having a bad headache, but later today I will reply back ok.

To all who feel the same way I do, you are not alone we are all grieving together and praying together to one another. Please just hang in there like I do, and have faith. The sun will bright again to us. Hopefuly soon!
Love & peace to all.
Olivia

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Permalink Reply by Charles on December 12, 2009 at 8:13am

Hi Miss My Love,
I to woke up this morning, got a sweater that has my wifes smell and I cried to.I am lost, lonely for her.We were so happy for 25 years.I know a couple here thats been married 40 years and they dont even like each other.Its been talked about here before about still being married.Its been 10 weeks for me, I still have my wedding ring on.No thoughts yet about about taking it off.I have not even looked at another woman.My wife and I had such a loving marriage, we both kissed each other all the time,I told her every day how beautiful she was and how much I loved her.With my wifes M.S she would at times get a little insecure and I knew she needed me to reassure her of my love.I always did.My wifes walkers, wheel chair, seats for the bath are all still there.My daughters-in-law, there are 5, keep asking me for her jewelry and I keep saying not now.The good stuff I put in the bank.Do I give it to them?The boys have ask for nothing except pictures.I miss love, I miss affection, Can we have it with someone else without being unfaithful?Its way to early for me to know that answer.I told my wife if I passed away first, for her to be careful but if she found a good man the first week then she should go for it and I was serious.She always just laughed.I wish we had some answers to all this pain and grief.One lady said,, Grief will not be denied, it must run its course, Another said its because we love so strong then the pain is so great.I know for for me and many others here this burden of pain and grief is just overwheiming.

Permalink Reply by Wendela on December 13, 2009 at 2:17pm

Olivia, I am saying a prayer for you today. I know how you feel. I am having some very difficult days, too. I wear one of my husband's shirts on weekends (when I'm not at work) and sometimes I just hug one of his shirts, just to hold it. Yesterday I started crying in the book store; it's a place my David loved, we went there together every week. So when I just started crying in the store, my son (19) and my daughter (23) each just put a hand on one of my shoulders, one on each side of me, and stayed right beside me until I felt better and could stop crying. They are such a blessing, as is my other daughter (25) who was home sick with a cold that day. They all 3 live with me and I don't know what I would do without them, so I understand what you shared about your wonderful daughter, your angel. Also, I have to say, your little Jade is adorable, thank you for sharing the photos. It must be a comfort to hold such a precious pup when you're feeling sad. God bless you, and God bless us all during this difficult season.
Wendela

Permalink Reply by judy on December 18, 2009 at 6:15pm

i know how you feel about asking God to bring him back, i do the samething. I know he's gone yet i can't seem to believe it. we Loved eachother so much i can't understand why we didn'tget a chance to live a full life together. tomarrow may never come, that's my new motto, but i just don't care if there is going to be a tomarrow, sometimes i wish there wasn't just so the pain will stop. I feel like i'm being punished because i'm still here without him, i long to join him wherever that may be

Permalink Reply by Susie on December 18, 2009 at 7:05pm

I know how you feel,Its only been a little over 8 months My dogs are getting me throught this I had to get rid of all his things even his beloved car,I feel like am all alone in this world

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on December 18, 2009 at 7:29pm

Susie,

My Koapaka has been the one I cling to when I need a hug and kisses. He is such a comfort to me. He was a daddy's boy, but he seems to know that I need him now.

I don't drive and my Bo would happily drive me any where I wanted to go. We had a beautiful truck that he loved very much. He took such good care of it and it had a car seat in the back for Sundays when we would take Koapaka shopping. When we sold the truck and I watched it drive away, it was like he was dying all over again. I held on to my son-in-law and cried. I still have his things at home. In the process of packing his clothes and shoes to donate to the Veterens Home as he wished. Many of his things are just as he left it 4 months ago. You are not alone.

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