Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marlena on January 12, 2010 at 9:40pm

Debbie,
You came to a good place. We may not have all the answers, but we all feel your pain. Here you can find love and support when you are feeling your worst. I am so sorry you are having to go through so much right now.

I am from NY so, I do not know any of the rules in your state, but without a will one of the first things you will probably need is a lawyer to handle all the probate issues. He/She will be able to get everything into your name and may be able to put a rush on the change over of your granddaughter's benefits. You should be able to get a check for her and one for you to help in continuing to raise her. My husband and I were so unprepared for anything to ever happen to him, I was lost. We had no will, no insurance, everything is (still) in his name alone...talk about clueless...I knew nothing about any of this. I just started making phone calls. If your husband was ever in a union, call them, they may have something still in his name (401k or possible insurance). If he belonged to any clubs or organizations, check with them. Occasionally, they offer the free $1000 or $2000 policies on their members, you get the notifications, but throw them away because you think they are nothing but solicitations...and then you learn later there is something there. Also check with all your credit cards and bank accounts, some accounts offer small insurance policies on there members. You don't have to give specifics, because sometimes it's not the best idea to let these companies know that your husband is gone yet, but ask if that benefit is available. Hopefully, you will be lucky enough to find a surprise you didn't know was there.

It is so hard when you thought you had people to count on and they back away when you need them most. I am afraid people think we are contagious. If it can happen to us it can happen to them. Ok, that may be a bit harsh, but that is the way it felt for me in some ways, with a few people anyway.

Come here to vent anytime you need. Good luck to you.
Take care,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Marilyn on January 12, 2010 at 9:40pm

Hi Debbie - I'm so sorry for the problems you have and the loss of your husband - I can very, very much relate to everything you said. I am also from IL. My husband died Dec. 1st after 26 yrs of marriage. He also had liver disease and was let go from his job a just a few months before he died - yes and there went his life insurance. My husband also had no will. I've been told it won't make a difference or cause a problem. You must call and change everything to your name - it will not be done automatically. I told the car/homeowners insurance over the phone & they changed it. Haven't changed anything else yet. Some will require a copy of the death certificate. I had a spouse coverage thru my work. ( I was let go the same day as my husband - but thankfully found another job.) I got an appt with SS immediately - you can walk right in here (near chgo). There is a one time benefit check of $255. You will receive SS for the month he died (Dec). (If my husband had died a few hours earlier I would have rec'd $ for the entire month of Nov.) I receive a check for my daughter since I am not old enough to get SS. I applied on Dec 7 and checks came on Jan 4 - direct deposit. (one for my dtr and the $255). From now on I will receive my check the 3rd week of each month since my daughter's birthday is in the third week.

Boy can I relate to the people avoiding you. - I wrote about it a week ago or so ago in a comment. My only sister is in GA and the only correspondence (email) was telling me things like "you REALLY have BIG PROBLEMS" and telling me things I was doing wrong when she didn't even know what I was doing. It only made me more upset and I asked her not to write me about these things anymore - I couldn't take it. Where's the support? I have one friend who has stuck around and called. (Her 1st fiance died many yrs ago - maybe that's why - she understands.) Other than that - haven't heard from several who stopped by the hospital, called frequently, neighbor across the street - and it has been almost 6 weeks. What about a simple email saying "how are you doing?"

I am having one problem after another - All the cars have broken down (2 are in the shop now - total repair $3,000). I have raccoons in the attic, problems with hospital bills, it seems overwhelming. On top of it - I'm a teacher and may lose my job again - threatening to let go all 1st & 2nd yr teachers. Things happen and I want to tell my husband then remember he's not here. But I have to wonder - what about a simple email to me - it only takes a minute. How old was your husband? Mine was 58. Good luck -

Marilyn

Permalink Reply by kathy arocho on January 13, 2010 at 9:18am

Debbie
I know how you feel my bank locked my checking account even when his name was not on the account. The monthly social secuirty check of his did not go in as direct deposit and got lost. I was his representive payee. I called the bank and after two trips resolved their error. Social security thought that I received the check and wanted it back so they garnished my pension and left me with $ 400 dollars to pay my bills. I made two trips to social security and they finally fixed the problem . This all happened in Dec with the holidays and his birthday it was a stessful time. Now I'm waiting for the late fees for being late on my bills. But continue to go with the appointment and prepared to wait three hours. Good Luck.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on January 13, 2010 at 7:29pm

We didn't have wills either.in Fl.Our property automactically goes to the spouse.You need to make a list and concentrate on the neccessities first.The social securitry office here moved pretty fast once I got in.If you're over 60 you're entitled to survivors benefits.The bank said to leave his name on our joint account for about a year.Also my bank told me to leave his name on the property due to the mortgage,otherwise I wouldn't qualify in my name alone.Take a deep breath and concentrate on the top priorities.Talk to professessionals.Good luck,Kathy

Permalink Reply by Shelia Painter on February 4, 2010 at 11:27pm

Hi Debbie,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on January 9, 2010. I fell like you do. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing or how I am supposed to act. I just know that I want my life back and I can't ever get it back.

Permalink Reply by Donna Allen on February 5, 2010 at 12:59am

Debbie: I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I lost my husband of 43 years two years ago to lung cancer and went through all the feelings that you are going through. My first suggestion to you is to get to Hospice and join a group for people who have lost loved ones. They are a great help. In the meantime, buy yourself a copy of "A Time to Grieve" by Carol Staudacher. At a time when you don't feel like heavy reading, this is the perfect book. Short quotations that relate to exactly what you are feeling and what you are going through. It was my grief bible. Everyone handles grief different and this book will help you to understand why people tend to shy away or avoid you. Through Hospice I learned that of the 100 people who came to my husbands "celebration of life" that only 6 or so would be there for me 6 months later and they were absolutely right. I had to go through the Social Security change too and found that once I had my appointment, my check started coming the second Wednesday of the following month. If your husband was already receiving SS benefits, it should come the same day as his did and should only take 30 days. The SS people were very understanding when they knew what had happened. I think you will find them to be very compassionate and willing to help. Although it has been two years, it feels like two months. I still take out my book, although less often and I still cry, although less often. I still think of him everyday, although not all day now. I wish I could say it gets better, but it is just different. This book can help and so can the Hospice support groups. On-line groups are good, but there is nothing like sitting in a room of people who are like us. I've made some good friends through Hospice too and best of all, they do understand what you are going through and will be there for you whenever you need them. If you want to chat with me directly, please feel free to email me at donna.allen2009@comcast.net. Sometimes the sites get a bit overwhelming. My prayers are with you. And yes, I understand everything you are saying. Sincerely, Donna