Greetings, all,

And I just want to say that the hospice's Bereavement Counselor is a great guy, and has been so much help to me....it has been over six months since my husband, Byron Raymond Perkins, died on 29 June 2009, and the holidays were horrible, and I was all by myself, and I got through them.

He pushed me, a little about that - no, I did not want to inject myself into other people's family celebrations, and yes, I figured since everyone knows my husband died, IT WAS UP TO THEM TO INVITE ME, at least that's the way I saw it.

Yes, I have been and am depressed, many times - but when he started talking about choices, I just lost it - I screamed at him: "I saw my husband _die_; I saw him take his last breath - AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT - DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT 'CHOICES'!!!" (that was not actually what he meant - he said that I could not make any choices about the past, but about going forward, which is true)

The counselor also asked me about how he could best help me (at first, I thought he was talking about stopping our sessions (read: abandoning me)) - but he was not - he wanted to make sure he was still being helpful.

And then I realized a couple of things - the counselor is the ONLY ONE that wants to listen to me talk about Byron - everyone else gets uncomfortable if I mention his name, if I want to talk about a funny memory I have of him, or how much I miss him, or what have you. For everyone else in the world - it's over - he's gone, done, left. Not for me, not for the one who sees his picture in my cubicle at work, or the ones I have on my dresser in my bedroom, not for when I open the Memory Box I made, and look at his baby picture, or his doctoral graduation pictures, or our wedding pictures - not when I look at his death certificate - he's not gone for me, and never will be.

The hospice counselor had talked about our dead loved ones as a "giant elephant in a room, that everyone else squeezes by, totally ignores, talks about everything else in the world but the elephant". I totally agree!

I also realized that I feel guilty because I could not save Byron - I thought I could, but I couldn't - and I'm beginning to understand that.

Peace be with and upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Replies to This Discussion

You know, you are right.. the only one that wants to hear about your husband is the counselor. My own son doesnt want to hear anymore of my saddness! he keeps saying that he lost his dad, but ill tell you the loss of my husband is all together a different feeling.i am all alone, day and night, and my son tells me to get a grip! what the heck can that mean!!!!??? I was married for 37yrs. this is the hardest feeling i have ever had I am ruining my sons closeness because of my broken heart and i cant help it. Peace to you, yaca. sincerely, judy latty
I do not know where I would be without the help of my hospice bereavement counselors, or there support groups. I have thought of them as my friends and the thought of after a year having to give them up is another crushing loss. My main bereavement counselor is a widow of four years so I feel connect to her and want to drawn her experience of her loss to help me understand mine and what is ahead. I feel a sense of attachment to her and the others and dread the future of losing them. I feel like they are my life line and security now.

I see a therapist twice a week but our relationship is different because she can only imagine it. So it is not the same connection. The thing since my husband's death May 17,2009 I have been change inconceivable ways. Without him I feel no connection and the bereavement counselor's and therapist give that to me in a new way. They provide support like nobody else can. It is like I am drawn to them and addicted to the warm, positive feelings I get from them. Part of me feels like I depend on them too much but I can not let go. It would be another thing to let go of and I can let go yet of my husband. It is eight months and I am not closer to letting go. I can not believe time has traveled and for me it has stood still.

I afraid that I cannot build a new life with close relationships. I have learned much since his death. That this is truly a journey and that death has lessons if you look for them. I am learning more about life and me everyday. I have read more grief books and transition books. Learning about a relationship with God and all kinds of things. His death has compelled me at life differently.

I have been taught it is my right to grieve and tears are strength. That real strength is telling our story and teaching other about the grief process and remembering it is more that just that he died and you go on. We have to find something to go on too and fill that big empty hole that was created with his death.

My new focus is ONE DAY AT A TIME.

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