Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on February 1, 2010 at 2:50pm

Nancy
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Larry on August 9 2009. We were married for 38 years.
Don't write a letter to your mother-in-law. She is so angry right now it would only add fuel to the fire. Perhaps one day she will realize how unfair she is and contact you. When and if she does, be ready. Don't tell her how she hurt your feelings, she probably won't be sympathetic anyway. She is probably a very selfish person like my mother-in-law. The day of the funeral she was looking for all the attention and sympathy she could get. Perhaps rightly so, I don't know. But my sister-in-law said it best to her with "Suck it up buttercup, this isn't all about you." We are here to celebrate Larry's life. I don't know if she heard her because she is so self absorbed but at least I felt better. Don't dwell on this. Your son needs you too. Focusing on this only wastes energy on someone that probably isn't worth it anyway. This is all about you and your relationship with Joel. Remember the good times. I know your loss is still so raw and that is hard to do.
Remember your life is about YOU. Not what makes other people happy. Not what other people think you should do. Take it slowly. Please know that you are surrounded here by people who understand. Nothing you say will shock any of us. We have the same thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Please know that you have friends here.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Tresa Sampson on February 5, 2010 at 12:36am

Nancy, my name is Tresa the love of my life passed August 13th, 2009. We didn't have children together, but he was like a dad to my daughters. We were together for 12 yrs, married for 8 of those. We moved into a new home a year and a half before he passed, its located right below his mother's, therefore it is his family's land, so they think. His family and my sisters planned on cooking breakfast at our home the next day, but all of a sudden the plans were changed and they moved it to his mom's house. My husband passed away here at home, his family didn't start coming to the house until about five days before he passed. The day of the Wake his mother came to the house with his sister and asked for a picture that belong to her. Then she made the remark that if I wanted to rent this house or if I moved away to give it to her. All their family gathered at her house no one came to check on me or send food here or anything. My family was here though, they wanted to go with me to make the funeral arrangements, which I allowed, they never asked to see the bill though. He has three sons from previous relationships, the oldest one apologized for the way he treated me all those years and thanked me for taking care of his dad. We went through the Wake and funeral services like we were strangers, they sat on one side I sat on the other. My husband was a Marine Corp Sgt. in his younger days, I was presented his flag during the funeral, his family thought his mom should get it. A few days after the funeral his mom called to brag on all the food they had never asking if I wanted any of it. Then about a month later his oldest son called and told me his youngest brother hired a lawyer to try to take the house from me. There was no will. A few weeks later his mom called me and asked if I had heard about the lawyer and everything and I told her what I had heard. Much to my surprise she was so angry with the plight of her grandson. She told me that she would fight with me to keep this house and my brother-in-laws and sister-in-laws were behind me too. I visited her just the other day and the youngest grandson had went to see her, she told him that she had been hearing that his mom had been around our council house and she better not be trying to take this house from me. She told him no one is gonna bother Tresa she's the only one who took care of Dobie and that is her house. So everybody just better leave her alone. That really helped me alot, I didn't think she liked me and was blaming me for his death. He died with liver failure, I'm suffering severe depression, he was my everything. I'm always alone at night and I'm scared to sleep, I'm afraid of the dreams. I think what happened was that she was angry at the world, because he was her baby even though he was next to the oldest out of four other siblings. An I guess she realized that I did love him with all my heart, so in a way her taking me under her wing now is helping the both of us heal. But, I'm not sure I will ever get back to where I was or even if I want to cause I'm lost without him. I wished I had some kind of magic to help your pain, and to help your in-laws because they need you as much as you need them. My sister lost her significant other of 27 yrs about a month after my husband passed on and the night after that happened she ran me off from her house and we haven't spoke to each other since. My mother-in-law helped me through that and I guess that was the real turning point in our relationship. She has started calling me more and she calls me kid like she called him or babe, that means so much to me when she does that. She asked me the other evening when I went to visit her if I thought I would ever find anyone else, and I told her no cause he was the love of my life, I feel in love with him when I was 12 yrs old, he was a 17 yr old jock getting ready to go to the Marine Corp, he didn't even know I existed, lol. You and your mother-in-law will be in my prayers and I wish the best for you.

Permalink Reply by Star on February 17, 2010 at 4:49pm

Dear Nancy, I lost the love of my life, Chad, a few weeks ago and unfortunately know what you're going through. Before Chad passed his family was sweet as sugar to me and acted like I was a part of them. Even though we weren't as close as we could've been. I think that was b/c Chad was sick for a long time. He was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 31. We loved each other tremendously and he would always say that we had that old kind of love. The kind where we didn't want to be apart from one another and we never were. Even though through much of our marriage he was in the hospital I made it a point to see him everyday. I needed to be there as much as I could for him. It was amazing that he never gave up even at the end. But back to what we're both going through. His family acts like i don't even really exist. In fact they took his ex-wife into their arms and comforted her as much as they can. He was married before and they did have a child together, but then why comfort her comfort the child. Anyway they invite her to dinner and had her help with making a board for the calling hours with pics on it of her and him. I felt like screaming!! My Chad would've flipped a lid and told everyone where to go if he was here to see this. I know he would and I can even see his own screwy eyeball look he'd be giving. I know I'm not helping you out in any way, but please know that you're not the only one going through this situation. If you figure out any kind hearted way to deal with this please let me know. Like you I'm too big hearted to actually say what's in my head.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 18, 2010 at 10:24am

I just want to share some of my problems with you all so that you know you are not alone. When my wife of 44 years died 10 months ago, I died too. Of all that she was to me,she was my pal. I have kids and g-kids but its not the same. I cant sleep,watch tv and movies nor listen to music without knowing she is no longer here to share it with me. I am not suicidal but I dont want to live anymore. I died when she died. All of her friends and family diappeared when she died. The terrible scar I have in my body has taken away my heart,soul, and spirit. I am doing the best I can with maintaining my(our) affairs. I am so sad and lonely. All of the 'firsts' without her is unbearable....Randolph Schrader

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on February 18, 2010 at 12:23pm

Dear Nancy,

First, my condolences on the death of your husband. My husband died in July 2009 and when I read your story I could feel your pain. When you lose a spouse or partner the feeling that comes over you is too hard to describe. It has been 7 months yesterday and I will tell you that I miss my husband terribly and always will. But the good news is this -- the numbness and pain that I felt for the first 5 months has subsided. I think of him and still cry sometimes but I am crying because of the memory that a song or special place brings to mind. Pain will be replaced with loving memories and no one can take that from you, Nancy, not even your in-laws!

I also had a most unpleasant experience with my in-laws. Douglas and his 5 siblings have equal ownership of property that was left to them by their father. Prior to Douglas's death his other siblings had gone to an attorney to have the deed rewritten. Apparently the current deed in not a deed to right to survivorship. In otherwords, when one sibling dies that share automatically goes to the estate of the deceased. Well, long story short, none of his other siblings included Douglas in the conversations of changing the deed. The attorney drew up papers, they were given to Douglas and me, and we were asked to sign and mail them back. I chose to read the documents first -- just a bad habit of mine! Douglas's illness prevented him from having the ability to sign his name anymore or make sound decisions so I was Power of Attorney. That meant that I would sign for him IF he agreed to the documents. The document read that the property would still be in the name of the siblings. Upon the death of a sibling that share would stay in the pot for the other siblings to share and so on. Last person standing gets the entire property. Also, the document, once signed by all, would override any Will. Douglas refused to sign the document. 17 days later he died.

Two weeks after his death I got phone calls and emails from the other siblings wanting to know if I had signed the document yet. NOPE! And since Douglas was deceased the POA no longer is valid. We did have a Will and I am sole beneficiary. His share was willed to ME. I finally had to get an attorney to probate the will and send the siblings' attorney a letter to back off! I am not signing anything. Douglas wanted me to have that piece of property. But that isn't the point. Where is the compassion that the siblings have lost a brother? What about the fact that I lost my husband? What, grief only lasts 2 weeks??? Thinking about what to do about 1/6th ownership on a piece of property was the last thing on my mind. I had a million other things to consider -- funeral, dealing with the VA and SSA, insurance, changing all of my paperwork at my work place, etc. Unbelievable. And when the siblings heard that I got an attorney they went balistic. "Why did you get an attorney?" My response: "YOU DID" -- and I was married to Douglas for 26 years and we were together 31 years. I thought my in-laws were pretty good folks, but the opportunity to gain anything that can be converted in money will bring out the worst in people. I told all of them that the funeral was the last time any of us needed to converse. All dealings are to be done through my representative/attorney. Am I hurt? You bet I am. People I thought were friends turned into nightmares. Douglas would be hurt and disgusted -- and I am sure he is! He was sick for so long and not one of his siblings lifted a finger to help. I work full time, took care of him full time, stayed at his side all during the dying process under Hospice at home and hospital. They kept telling me how well I took care of him, how lucky he was, etc. NOT ONE OF THEM HELPED -- and his sister is a nurse!!! Now they want what little treasure he had to leave me. What is wrong with people???

Nancy, I live in Washington state also. Don't you dare let these people take advantage of your grief. That is what people will do -- they know you are vulnerable and will do anything to have peace in your life. They probably also think that if you give them what they "think" they are entitled to have you are hoping they will be friends with you again. Don't go down that path. I am not an expert but I can tell you this. Even if you don't have a will, in the state of Washington any and all property of a married couple automatically goes to the surviving spouse. My attorney is fantastic and I will be happy to refer him to you for advice. My home email: bellinghamster05@yahoo.com.

Your husband loved you and know that he is watching over you and his family. No bad deed goes unpunished. I don't wish harm to any of my former in-laws, but the one thing that they can never ever take from me is this -- Douglas and I loved each other unconditionally, we were best friends, and soul mates. Our memories are now mine -- and their behavior has cheated them out of sharing in the memories. Their choice!

I will think of you as you go through the many stages of grief. You will have many good and bad days. Just know that we have all been there and use this site every time you need to have a boost. You will make it and you will always have Joel in your heart. What a blessing!!

In Peace,

Brigitte

I loved Douglas with all of my heart

Permalink Reply by Julie on February 18, 2010 at 8:04pm

Dear Sheila, please write to me at: yeshuasgal2003@yahoo., as I am widowed as of exactly five weeks ago from today.

Permalink Reply by Katy on February 18, 2010 at 9:26pm

oh my goodness nancy.

let me please start by saying, i feel your pain and loss. and, you are at the right place. i have met many people here online who are suffering just as we are. sometimes i need a break from this site, as my heart breaks even more when i read their stories, and especially when i receive words of encouragement and hope, especially from those who have been with their love for decades, and i was only with jim 2-1/2 years, and we were not married. i am so grateful for this site and all the wonderful people i have met through it.

i am 45 years old. i met jim, as i mentioned, 2-1/2 years ago. i have received hate mail and awful phone calls. his children, adults actually at 21 and 28, absolutely hate me, even though i was at the hospital 4-6 hours a day (a couple in the a.m. and a couple in the p.m. for the whole month he was there, and took care of him before he went in). i am very grateful that his mom knows and understands exactly what we had. without her i would be lost. still, these people are her family and of course, regardless, her first priority. she and i have been clinging to one another, but i sense that this too is a passing thing.

i could use another friend, one who is experiencing similar things as me. please feel free to email me at kdaugherty5011@comcast.net. my name's katy.

nice to meet you nancy. maybe together we can get through this and survive. i know they would want that, and i know they would want us to overcome those whomever tries to dismiss what we had with our partners and pretend that we were not significant to them. i know for sure jim would be livid at the treatment i have received.

your friend,

katy

ps i'm going crazy too.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Peterson on February 19, 2010 at 1:49am

Tom, Thanks I have attorney and paid him to get my power of attorney. In State of Wa they can take 25% of my estate with Joel still though. Haven't heard yet if they are going to but at this point I believe they will. Joel wouldn't like any of this and what has happened. Nothing I can do. I did not write a letter. I do not want to talk to his mom. She has hurt me greatly. His Dad is sweet but he side s with her of course, so Guess it is what it is.

Tom said:

Hi Nancy, This is Tom.
You have to get power of attorney to protect what is your. Do this immediatly !
The house any anyother things are not given to you just because you where his wife ! I didn't know that either until I checked into my wifes retirement fund at the school she worked at. I had to fill out paperwork they sent me about executor of the estate and such ! Contact your local legal aid and let them help you so you can do this right ! It can be confusing and it is ! You should look into his retirement fund where he worked at also. If I can help you to understand any of this or where to get advice from I will ! ( lelanarandall@sbcglobal.net ) My home email address. And as for the parents They have to grieve too. Stay away from those that can't help you at this time. If it's ment to be it will happen later. Protect yourself first, and do it now ! Tom

Permalink Reply by Nancy Peterson on February 19, 2010 at 2:24am

Don't die..I am here for you...NancyRandolph L. Schrader said:

I just want to share some of my problems with you all so that you know you are not alone. When my wife of 44 years died 10 months ago, I died too. Of all that she was to me,she was my pal. I have kids and g-kids but its not the same. I cant sleep,watch tv and movies nor listen to music without knowing she is no longer here to share it with me. I am not suicidal but I dont want to live anymore. I died when she died. All of her friends and family diappeared when she died. The terrible scar I have in my body has taken away my heart,soul, and spirit. I am doing the best I can with maintaining my(our) affairs. I am so sad and lonely. All of the 'firsts' without her is unbearable....Randolph Schrader

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on February 19, 2010 at 9:49am

Nancy,

You have many more rights then you know! I also live in Washington State and your attorney should know that you and the estate are protected even though you did not have a will. POA -- why??? I had a POA for Douglas but once he died that became void. Is your attorney as estata planning attorney? Hey, my sister in law lives in California. Her husband, Douglas's brother, died suddenly in 2002 without a will and she is 1/6th owner of the property that is in question with the other siblings. Washington state law protected her rights because the property is in Washington. Don't let your in-laws compound what you are already going through. This too shall pass!

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Sara on February 19, 2010 at 1:31pm

I am with your son...Don't let her get to you!

I am SO sorry for your loss...

I too lost the love of my life and father of our three daughters tragically/suddenly on 08/06/09 and he was only 41 and we had been together close to 19 years!! My mom came and stayed for a couple weeks even though we haven't been close in the past few years due to multiple reasons and after the funeral when she was here she was more interested in where she could go and wanted to look for windows for her house that she DIDN'T need etc. And then there is my MIL who lost her husband and my husband's father when he was 35 and she had two young children as well (8 and 6?) but has she kept in contact with me? NO..I have learned to lean on God and my friends through Facebook (please don't laugh as it has been a HUGE support system) most of those friends I haven't seen in twenty years or so as I don't live in the town I was raised and grew up in.

The last six months have reallly been the pits and as I continue to struggle, I hurt so bad for my daughters and how they are feeling and what they will be going through without their dad. I am trying to understand the 'why' in regards to the grandma that not only lost her husband at a young age and MUST know what I am going through with the girls and all BUT why doesn't she care about her grand-daughters??

Feel free to message me, and if nothing else we can vent to one another. This is the 1st posting that I have done, so I apologize if I am rambling. I just hate to see others hurting and especially with what we are dealing with.

Take Care and God Bless!

Remember your husband is with you always, he is your angel. ((HUGS))

Permalink Reply by Sheila Sipson on February 19, 2010 at 6:57pm

Randolph L. Schrader said:

I just want to share some of my problems with you all so that you know you are not alone. When my wife of 44 years died 10 months ago, I died too. Of all that she was to me,she was my pal. I have kids and g-kids but its not the same. I cant sleep,watch tv and movies nor listen to music without knowing she is no longer here to share it with me. I am not suicidal but I dont want to live anymore. I died when she died. All of her friends and family diappeared when she died. The terrible scar I have in my body has taken away my heart,soul, and spirit. I am doing the best I can with maintaining my(our) affairs. I am so sad and lonely. All of the 'firsts' without her is unbearable....Randolph Schrader

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