Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on March 14, 2010 at 1:30pm

Hi Jane
We are all here for you. You are not alone. We are all walking the same dark hallways that life has given us. You were handed a double whammy. First you lose the love of your life and then you suffer incredible injuries.
Your sister is there for you so use her. You say you have secret bouts of crying. Tell her that. Right now she is afraid of making the wrong step and upsetting you. My mother came to stay with me for 3 weeks after my Larry passed. We cried together and talked about Larry. She said she could never understand what I was going through because she had never suffered such a loss. I thanked her for being honest and not trying to sweep my grief and Larry under the carpet. She asked me if it hurt me to talk about Larry and I said no...it hurts me if we don't. I feel he will be forgotten if we don't talk about him. Talk to your sister about your husband. Tell her you don't expect her to make it all go away. She can't. Have a good cry with her. She will feel better too.
Tell me about your precious husband. I know he was the love of your life and you don't know how to carry on without him. We are all feeling the same way here. Please know you are among friends, anything you say will not shock any of us.
Talk to your sister, she sounds like a very special person...willing to be there for you.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Connie on March 15, 2010 at 10:37pm

Jane,

My husband passed away just 4 months ago. Please accept my condolences on your loss. I feel like my life is an emotional roller coaster. I feel okay for a while and then the whole thing hits me like a freight train. You need to take better care of yourself. You are going to need all your strength to get through the grieving process.
This process will drain your strength but you will recover. I have my good moments and my bad moments. The hardest part of my day is getting up in the morning, going to bed at night and all the hours in between. I am on sleeping pills and an anti-depressant but it doesn't seem as though either are working. I miss my husband soooo very much. He was my very best friend. We did everything together. I was only 18 when I married him and we were together for 46 years. We did grow up together. We were very much in love.

We have 3 beatiful daughters and two great sons-in-law, and five gorgeous grandchildren and they do their best to keep me going. They all spend time with me and try to make my days easier. I love them all very, very much but the only thing I look forward to is going next to my husband so that I can touch him and hold his hand again.

Jane don't be afraid to cry. We all need to cry, scream, get angry and whatever you feel like doing. You need to do what will make your life easier right now.

Jane, May God Bless you and help you through this time.


































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Permalink Reply by Yvonne on March 16, 2010 at 12:44pm

Lois, How I wish I could make it all go away for you, myself and everyone on this site. It has been 31 weeks and 2 days for me since I lost Larry. Last week was 7 months and our middle son phoned me (of course I had been crying when he phoned) but pretended that I was just fine and tried to give him the impression that all was well. I knew too that he was hurting big time, so I called him back and said OK let's both pull our heads out of the sand and admit that today is a really crappy day. We went out and explored stores that we had never gone to before, we didn't buy anything, we just hung out. I thank him for being able to admit his grief and come to me for support and support me too when I needed it.
I think you are right when you say we should be more public with our grief. We don't have to wear a sign, but should let our family and friends know how we are feeling. I know it makes them uncomfortable and that is why we back off.
Our society seems to want to brush widows and widowers under the carpet. Out of site out of mind. Do you know in a city with a population of over 250,000, there is only one grief support group for widows and widowers. That is really sad.
I am grateful that I found this site of wonderful people. Your kindness, tears, jokes, and support means so much to me.
Today is a really crappy day for you Lois and I am so sorry for your pain. I am thinking of you and send you big hugs. ((((Lois))))
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Charles on March 16, 2010 at 1:31pm

Hi Lois and all,
When I am down I remember a verse to a song my wife dedicated to me.
AT TIMES I MAY SEEM FAR AWAY BUT NEVER WONDER WHERE I AM
BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS BY YOUR SIDE.IT helps me.

Permalink Reply by Colleen on March 16, 2010 at 6:27pm

Lois, I think you're right. Having never lost anyone as vital to me as my husband, I had no idea what I was in for. I want him back so bad...it's only been 3 weeks for me, and like so often in life I feel like if I could just turn the clock back...but it can't happen. I think that we mean well, we think that we're taking care of our loved ones or being kind...but if someone would plant the seed that this REALLY might be the last meal, the last card game, the last road trip...we would appreciate each other so much more.
I only saw my mother cry a bit about my dad...now I know that after 50 years of marriage she was really hurt by his passing. He wasn't in particularly bad health. She was nine years younger but died within two years of him. I know they were each others best friends and support. But I didn't realize how hurt she must have been, and she didn't share that.
I have to say that the nights are the worst. I haven't had a good nights sleep since Gary left. I lay there and think and think and think. I sleep about 2-3 hours tops each night. And then I cry.
Yvonne, Lois, everyone here...thank you for being here.
Knowing there is understanding here helps a lot. It's not a fix, but it helps with the tears.

Permalink Reply by Carol Butler on March 18, 2010 at 7:38pm

Jane, you are so right in asking for comfort. I am so sorry you have sustained the physical injuries and added to your grief, it certainly packs a double whammy!!
My husband died February 2008; in May 2008 I was hospitalized with pneumonia (which I didn't have a clue I was sick); in August 2008, I lost a niece; September 2008 I lost a much loved brother-in-law; in October & November 2008 I had to have two minor surgeries. In February 2009 I had surgery for a fractured bone; in April 2009 I lost my last sibling and this past December 2009 I had a total hip replacement.
I tell you all of this for a reason: My grief over losing my husband was over powering my attention to my health but...with a grief support meeting I begin attending, I realized that I had to give attention to my physical condition; this was what my wonderful husband would have wanted for me.
Don't cry just in secret; cry when you are with trusted loved ones and friends. If your tears provoke unhelpful comments, find someone who will listen to you and let you cry. I had someone ask me "how long are you going to cry like this?" - my reply was simple. "I cry because I'm hurt, I cry because my heart is broken and I'll cry until the time comes that I don't cry anymore". I still cry after 25 months because my heart still is hurting over losing my loving husband. I don't cry as often or as much as I did for the first 1-1/2 yrs. but I still express my sadness and loss with tears at times and if others feel uncomfortable, they can leave my presence. I have found acceptance with some family members and a couple of true friends and when I "tear up", they tell me to go ahead and let it out - which I do.
Grief combined with health problems is too tough to go alone; lean on anyone who honestly offers you their shoulder.

Permalink Reply by kathy carlson on March 19, 2010 at 12:47am

Stay strong Jane. I lost my husband to cancer on march 5th. We only found out he had cancer 2 weeks before. we had no time to prepare! I cry alot also, going back to work helps some but the nights are lonely. We have had a very trying year this year, do alot of praying & crying & trust in the lord.