Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marlena on March 24, 2010 at 10:19pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I believe that this has to be one of the most difficult things any of us can ever go through. We expected to grow old with the love of our life, finish our plans, and live out our dreams, but here we are incomplete, broken, and half of what we used to be.

Everything you mention I have felt and to some extent still feel to this day. It has just been a year that my husband died unexpectedly (11 days after he was in a snowmobile accident). We were told for those 11 days he was in the hospital that he would be in pain, but all he needs is time to heal. We had no idea this could happen and we were so unprepared for the end. There are so many days where I wish life on this earth could be over. I want us all to be together again. As selfish as it sounds I want us all to GO together. No one should be left behind to feel this pain. If only it was so easy...to wish and have it be granted.

My girls were 22 and 24 and my son was 13 when their dad died. Because I was very vocal in the beginning about wishing we had gone together and not wanting to be here without my husband my oldest daughter set me straight. Her comment to me was, "Mom, I don't want to be a complete orphan." It was then that I realized, as much as I wish we all were together I have to keep moving forward for my kids; my kids need me more than ever now. It has been torture on each one of them in different ways. But I guess we can say we have made progress. We did survive the first year, at least.

You are still so new to this journey. You need to take care of yourself and your boys...don't worry about anything else. Feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do for you. Sometimes it helps to scream and yell, release some of the anger. It helps to share your story and to read what others have gone through and how they are dealing. Come here often, write when you need to, read even more. There are no miracle words of wisdom to help you get through the rest of your life. It's all about one step at a time, one breath at a time. Hang on to your memories and hang on to your boys, they will get you through this nightmare.

Peace and comfort to you and your boys.

Take care,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Hurting on March 28, 2010 at 2:05am

Thanks Marlene. I guess there is hope for me. I think I would have died in the hospital when I got the news but I looked at my 15 year old and all my three boys hugging me. I had to think of something else just to be able to handle the news. But my pain, shock & bewilderment doesn't end. I actually feel physical pain in my heart when I sit on the sofa and he doesn't come. When I make my cup of tea and doesn't come for his. At night when I lie on the bed and he never comes on his side. Is what life is going to be now?

Permalink Reply by Marian on March 28, 2010 at 2:58am

Wow-you just described exactly what I've been going through and doing...my husband died (I still can't believe I'm saying that) on January 16, 2010. If not for my 21 (actually 22 today) year old son, I would have followed my husband...there's been so much loss and I just feel like I'm finished with this life...My heart also hurts-it's soooo physical and I feel nauseated a lot of the time. I wander around the house and just don't feel comfortable or like I belong anywhere...we were together for 32 years and then it just stopped-NOW WHAT?! I go to work,people talk to me, people hug me, they want me to do things with them...there are so many people around but I have never felt so alone in my life! But as everyone says I guess we have to have hope...Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on March 28, 2010 at 11:45pm

Hi Marian! I don't know what to say? Should I feel sorry for you or for myself? Normally I am a very religious person, but today I feel alone. After all isn't God the one who decided this to be my fate. People say it should get better (mostly these are the ones who don't know what is happening to me). People who went through it say that it doesn't really get better, you get used to it. I am writing this to you and crying for all of us who have to suffer this way. Yours in sorrow.

Permalink Reply by Marian on March 29, 2010 at 9:32am

Hi- I too have been questioning my beliefs and God - he was the more religious, and now on the eve of our holiday I feel empty and betrayed - and yes utterly alone - even though there have been well meaning people around, extending invitations - I don't know if I want to have any part of it. I would rather chat or connect with those of you who really know what I am experiencing.

I too went through that hospital experience, feeling the warmth, trying to believe that he knew I was there with him -waiting for him to open his eyes or return my squeeze-even though I knew in my heart that he was gone.

I was able to get through helping my son plan his birthday celebrations the last few days -but I feel that the only way to get through this is to almost separate into another person - just a mom -and do what I have to do. He's going back to school tomorrow and I feel the loneliness starting to creep back already...

I guess the key for us (who have gone through and are continuing to go through this) is to stay connected, keep communicating with each other, sharing the ups and downs - as only WE can... I feel your pain - and maybe one day we will be able to feel each others' joy...

Hurting said:

Hi Marian! I don't know what to say? Should I feel sorry for you or for myself? Normally I am a very religious person, but today I feel alone. After all isn't God the one who decided this to be my fate. People say it should get better (mostly these are the ones who don't know what is happening to me). People who went through it say that it doesn't really get better, you get used to it. I am writing this to you and crying for all of us who have to suffer this way. Yours in sorrow.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on March 30, 2010 at 10:24am

Hi Marian! Hang on. Once your son leaves that's the time when the grieving actually starts because now you don't have to be strong for anybody. I know that in front of my children I am normal doing everything that needs to be done, but as soon as they leave the house that's when everything hits. My husband's towel is still hanging behind the door, his clothes still hanging on the bedroom door. Everything is as he left except he is not there. We will all create our own ways of connecting, my way is lighting a 'Diya' in front of his picture, puting his breakfast in front of his picture etc. I feel that he is in the flame of that diya because I feel it responding to what I am talking. Who knows probably I am going crazy but I don't know any other way to handle it. I definitely feel connected to you all here because only you all really know what this pain is.

Permalink Reply by Ann Ervin on March 30, 2010 at 3:09pm

Dear Hurting,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of nearly 27 years on November 15th, 2009 to diabetes. I also lost one of my twins about 15 years ago to asthma.
When my son died, I thought I would never recover. Every holiday during that first year was very, very difficult. I remember his next birthday, because I had to go to the toy store to get his twin brother his present. I never cried so hard when I saw his favorite toys.
Ever since November, it's been one thing after the next. First, there was the Thanksgiving holiday and my 24 year old (who is disabled and lives with me) went to my inlaws. It was unusually quiet because everyone had just went to his funeral and we were all edgy and had a loss for appropriate words. Then, during Christmas, I almost died (was on a ventilator myself) during Christmas, plus had to miss it with my son.
We barely survived that. My 24 year old became very suicidal and had to be hospitalized for a week! I thought I would lose my mind, especially because I didn't have my "right arm" anymore. My son fortunately was put on medication and that helped.
Next, it was January, and our anniversary. We had made plans, so I carried them out by myself. I went out to eat and went to a hotel. I also had to buy a dryer that he promised me he'd do. So, since then, it's been a little less festive. The last day that was sentimental was earlier this month, when my husband wasn't here to celebrate his 52nd birthday.
So, what I really wanted to tell you is this: It's very, very painful. I just try and look at it the way he wanted me to- he's in heaven. He's no longer hurting nor suffering because he was very sick. That helps me. And, I know once I get through the anniversary of his death, things will be a little better. The first year after you lose someone you love is the hardest in my opinion. And, your kids sound like they really love you, and you sound like you love them. They will welcome your support. I know it's hard, but eventually, you can move on and so can I.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on March 30, 2010 at 7:27pm

Hi Ann, thanks for sharing your pain. First of all I want to share with you is that I had a stillborn baby girl in 1993 who was full term. One day I went to see my doctor and everything is fine, next morning I couldn't feel her moving so I went to see my doctor. He couldn't find any heart beat and that's it, my baby was gone.
This time my husband was fine in the morning, he saw me off when I went for work. He had test at the heart function clinic that morning, they were all good. When I talked to him that afternoon he was very happy. Was he ready to leave me that day, I still don't think so. I feel he must have been feeling bewildered at the events too. He didn't want to leave me or his kids yet, he still had to finish raising them. Did God make a mistake?

Yours in Pain.


Ann Ervin said:

Dear Hurting,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of nearly 27 years on November 15th, 2009 to diabetes. I also lost one of my twins about 15 years ago to asthma.
When my son died, I thought I would never recover. Every holiday during that first year was very, very difficult. I remember his next birthday, because I had to go to the toy store to get his twin brother his present. I never cried so hard when I saw his favorite toys.
Ever since November, it's been one thing after the next. First, there was the Thanksgiving holiday and my 24 year old (who is disabled and lives with me) went to my inlaws. It was unusually quiet because everyone had just went to his funeral and we were all edgy and had a loss for appropriate words. Then, during Christmas, I almost died (was on a ventilator myself) during Christmas, plus had to miss it with my son.
We barely survived that. My 24 year old became very suicidal and had to be hospitalized for a week! I thought I would lose my mind, especially because I didn't have my "right arm" anymore. My son fortunately was put on medication and that helped.
Next, it was January, and our anniversary. We had made plans, so I carried them out by myself. I went out to eat and went to a hotel. I also had to buy a dryer that he promised me he'd do. So, since then, it's been a little less festive. The last day that was sentimental was earlier this month, when my husband wasn't here to celebrate his 52nd birthday.
So, what I really wanted to tell you is this: It's very, very painful. I just try and look at it the way he wanted me to- he's in heaven. He's no longer hurting nor suffering because he was very sick. That helps me. And, I know once I get through the anniversary of his death, things will be a little better. The first year after you lose someone you love is the hardest in my opinion. And, your kids sound like they really love you, and you sound like you love them. They will welcome your support. I know it's hard, but eventually, you can move on and so can I.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on March 8, 2012 at 9:26pm

I still count days; some days it hurts more; some days I remember everything he said and did in last couple of weeks.