Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by steph on April 3, 2010 at 6:59pm

hi mary sorry for your loss,i lost my husb just over 4 months ago,like you im lost without love.i have two daughters 16 and 19 both in school and i love them very much,they are really good girls.but my best friend and love of my life is gone and sometime i feel not sure if i can go on without him.today is a really hard day getting ready for easter husb john would always peel eggs for me for deviled eggs, he loved easter and the spring season, we farmed so it was a busy time,k,now we just watch the tractors go past the house. i just cant stand this,he was only 47 and sick for 10 months,the girls and i took care of him at home just had hospice for 1 week,just to give pain med. i miss taking care of him he loved that we kept him home thru all his suffering,we did anything we could to make him. comfortable,we never took care of him thinking he was not going to make it.we would always just tell him how much we loved him and what a good job he was doing.he fought so hard.i so understand how u feel,just really really hard. hugs to u

Permalink Reply by mary on April 3, 2010 at 8:20pm

steph said:

hi mary sorry for your loss,i lost my husb just over 4 months ago,like you im lost without love.i have two daughters 16 and 19 both in school and i love them very much,they are really good girls.but my best friend and love of my life is gone and sometime i feel not sure if i can go on without him.today is a really hard day getting ready for easter husb john would always peel eggs for me for deviled eggs, he loved easter and the spring season, we farmed so it was a busy time,k,now we just watch the tractors go past the house. i just cant stand this,he was only 47 and sick for 10 months,the girls and i took care of him at home just had hospice for 1 week,just to give pain med. i miss taking care of him he loved that we kept him home thru all his suffering,we did anything we could to make him. comfortable,we never took care of him thinking he was not going to make it.we would always just tell him how much we loved him and what a good job he was doing.he fought so hard.i so understand how u feel,just really really hard. hugs to u

Permalink Reply by mary on April 3, 2010 at 8:33pm

hi steph,
thank you so much for reaching out and sharing with me.
people try to help but they have no concept.
everything is a first without my honeydooz, the love of my life, my best friend.
i feel you understand this.. (he was also only 47)
maybe you can try to make things a bit different for your Easter.
i know my kids will come over and i will cook non traditional meal.
(Tim was the cook)
i will not set the table, we will eat in the living room.
and yes, i did the same thing fighting / praying with him for recovery and to continue..
he was doing better and it was somewhat sudden. as they say death comes like a thief in the night
and so it did.
i would have taken care of him forever.
i am rambling
at any rate try to make things a bit different, i think will help.
take care

Permalink Reply by Deb on April 4, 2010 at 1:25am

Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. My love passed away June 20, 2009. I have days when I want to just stay in, not see or talk to anyone, and cry when I want! You have to give yourself permission to express your feelings. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. All of us here are always willing to listen. Take care of yourself, and enjoy that new grandbaby! Debbie

Permalink Reply by mary on April 6, 2010 at 9:30pm

mary said: Dear Step, I hope all is going ok for you. I was thinking a bit about you and our similar circumstance. You still have children at home although they are older and that can be a support but yet they have no concept and i wonder as a woman how you manage to deal with their feelings and your own. my love was not the natural father of my children, yet they grieve for him also but being grown up with lives of their own and not a daily part of our lives they are progressing ok. i wonder if you have enough time. i lost my job so don't have that distraction from grief which happens all the time at any given moment and such. i can hardly breath at times..

steph said:

hi mary sorry for your loss,i lost my husb just over 4 months ago,like you im lost without love.i have two daughters 16 and 19 both in school and i love them very much,they are really good girls.but my best friend and love of my life is gone and sometime i feel not sure if i can go on without him.today is a really hard day getting ready for easter husb john would always peel eggs for me for deviled eggs, he loved easter and the spring season, we farmed so it was a busy time,k,now we just watch the tractors go past the house. i just cant stand this,he was only 47 and sick for 10 months,the girls and i took care of him at home just had hospice for 1 week,just to give pain med. i miss taking care of him he loved that we kept him home thru all his suffering,we did anything we could to make him. comfortable,we never took care of him thinking he was not going to make it.we would always just tell him how much we loved him and what a good job he was doing.he fought so hard.i so understand how u feel,just really really hard. hugs to u

Permalink Reply by mary on April 6, 2010 at 9:31pm

mary said:

mary said:

steph said:

hi mary sorry for your loss,i lost my husb just over 4 months ago,like you im lost without love.i have two daughters 16 and 19 both in school and i love them very much,they are really good girls.but my best friend and love of my life is gone and sometime i feel not sure if i can go on without him.today is a really hard day getting ready for easter husb john would always peel eggs for me for deviled eggs, he loved easter and the spring season, we farmed so it was a busy time,k,now we just watch the tractors go past the house. i just cant stand this,he was only 47 and sick for 10 months,the girls and i took care of him at home just had hospice for 1 week,just to give pain med. i miss taking care of him he loved that we kept him home thru all his suffering,we did anything we could to make him. comfortable,we never took care of him thinking he was not going to make it.we would always just tell him how much we loved him and what a good job he was doing.he fought so hard.i so understand how u feel,just really really hard. hugs to u

Permalink Reply by mary on April 6, 2010 at 9:44pm

Dear Deb
I have cried until my heart aches so bad i feel i will die. yet it continues to beat.
i keep hoping the pain will subside. i am not working now so grieving time is fully expressed. i have family who is trying to help so much. it is just all so heart breaking. i am torn between life and death...
Deb said:

Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. My love passed away June 20, 2009. I have days when I want to just stay in, not see or talk to anyone, and cry when I want! You have to give yourself permission to express your feelings. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. All of us here are always willing to listen. Take care of yourself, and enjoy that new grandbaby! Debbie

Permalink Reply by mary on April 6, 2010 at 9:49pm

yes you r right unreal and it sucks to be bottom line. i am alone and so i can openly grieve when i feel. i don't want to be in a a long dark tunnel i would rather be on one side or the other and i don't care if the other side is death from this life of pain. on the other hand true there is some goodnes and that is what challenges me and my will and everything i loved him so much i feel i can hardly go on but now i have my grandson and now maybe he is going to be my everything and he will help to heal my aching heart. i have a dog also and he is of help to me also. i don't know what i would do without this support network, my family and my dog,
Lois Taitague said:

Mary, I think this stage in the grieving process is about the hardest, and it lasts a long time. The initial shock has worn off, and now you're living with the reality, which seems so unreal and impossible, and it sucks. I just passed the 14-week mark last Tuesday. As you've said yourself in another post, take each moment at a time and deal with that until the next one comes along. The most healing thing you can do for yourself is not avoid the feelings, but give in to them. Cry when you need to, scream when you want, even throw things if it helps. This is being said to you by someone who had not shed a tear for almost ten years until Mark died, not even through three major surgeries and almost dying myself. Tears are the washing of the soul. You've just entered the long, dark tunnel and probably can't yet see the pinpoint of light at the end, but it's there. And you will reach it some day; just keep going the best you can. It's a wonderful thing that you have the new grandchild to love. Meanwhile, stick with us!!