Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:40am

Dear Re,
Thank you for writing back to me...I will always miss Robbie...I don't know what to do somedays....I have my family but still can't believe that he is gone...I want him back...I want him to grow old with me...I know it's never going to happen but that's what I want....I will keep you in my thoughts....Denny

re said:

Denise I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband and the pain that you are going through. One thing that has helped some people cope with the death of a loved one is by turning to God for comfort. In the Bible God made a promise of what he plans to do in the near future. This is brought out in the Bible book of John 5:28,29 where it states "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out..." This verse helps us to see that God does give us hope of seeing our loved ones that has died in the past again. Also God gives us comfort to know what is the condition of those who had died, this is brought out in the Bible book of Ecclesiastes 9:5 where it states "For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all, neither do they anymore have wages, because the remembrance of them has been forgotten." Even though your husband was suffering from cancer and has pasted away, this verse helps you to see that he is no longer suffering. Until that time comes when God brings about a resurrection, God encourages those who are broken at heart to pray to him. This is brought out in the Bible book of Psalms 55:22 where it states "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, And he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter." Nobody understands the close bond that you had with your husband better than Jehovah God does, that is why he can make that promise that he will sustain you. If you want to learn more of others scriptures in the Bible that can provide comfort and hope for you, feel free to ask any Jehovah Witnesses in your area or you can message me.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:44am

Dear Yaca,
Thank you for writing back to me...I meant a lot...I still cry...I cried last night and woke up this morning to an empty house...Being alone is the worse...We did so much on the weekends...I still hate the fact that he is gone...Never thought that I would grow old alone...Miss him so much....I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Denny

Yaca Attwood said:

Dear Denise,

I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your beloved husband....and you have been through a hard, hard time, and it has not ended. You've dealt with his illness, caretaking, doctors, hospitals, medicine, insurance companies, etc. And you have a child and grandchildren to console, as well.

My husband died on 29 June 2009 - he had liver disease, hepatic encephalopathy, ascites, jaundice, agonizing psoriatic arthritis. For a year and a half before he died, he could no longer walk, and grew increasingly weak and debiliated - I ended up having to bathe, pick him up when he fell, and change him (it is one thing to change a five month old baby, it is quite another to change a 55-year-old man .... the changee is waaaay heavier!). There were times I truly wanted him to die, to end his intense suffering (and mine, as well).

It has been nearly 10 months, and I will have days and maybe a week when I don't cry - but then a song, a smell, a food, a show, something will make me think of him, and then I just lose it and burst into tears - I made a "Memory Box", and I pull out the lock of hair I cut right after he died in our living room (he had been placed in hospice, mostly because I _insisted_ upon it, and the doctor agreed), his baby picture, pictures from his doctoral graduation (he was a Psy.D., a clinical psychologist), wedding pictures (I had known him 18 years, but we were only married for 1 year and 9 months)

You will cry for the rest of your life, at times - because he was your beloved, your friend, your husband - and do not feel bad or apologize for your tears. Be sure to get people to help you, and let yourself be tired - the first three months after my husband died - I did go to work (because he left no insurance or anything), but when I got home, it was all I could do to take a 30-minute walk, crying with each step, and come back, and just "cocoon" - even now, I generally don't go out socially, and I still find it kind of tiring to deal with a lot of people.

If your husband was in hospice, most hospices offer Bereavement Counseling, and if he wasn't, most hospices make it available to those who have lost a loved one - the hospice that cared for my husband (he was in hospice for 4 days before he died) - the Bereavement Counselor comes to my place 1-2 times a month, and it has been _incredibly_ helpful. One of the reasons is that the counselor is, by this time, pretty much the only person who is willing to listen to me talk about my husband - my memories, funny things we did, other stuff, without becoming uncomfortable or trying to change the subject. You _need_ someone to just _listen_ to you talk about your sweetheart - how much he meant to you, how much you miss him - all of your feelings.

Peace, blessing, healing and comfort be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 5:16pm

Dear Marta,
I know exactly what your going through....I can't get through the day without crying...I miss my husband so much...We did everything together...Don't know what I'm going to do without him...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....I don't know whatelse to say because we are dealing with the samething everyday of our life....It isn't getting any easier for me but worse without Robbie...My email is denmac50@comcast.net if you need a friend....Denny

MARTA LEVESQUE said:

My husband passed away in October 2009 of cancer of the liver. I will never will get over this. We were married for 17 years and he was the love of my life. I think of him every moment and I miss him so much. I don't have family and hardly friends where I live. I go to Church and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 19, 2010 at 12:05am

Denise,
I lost my husband of 39 years to pancreatic cancer on Dec. 13th 2009. He was diagnosed May 26th, 2009. I feel the same way you do. It has been 4 mos. and I still cry everyday....several times a day. I tell my friends that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I have 3 children, the 2 boys live within 10 min. and my daughter lives 12 hrs away in Ga. I have 8 grandchildren. 6 live here. They were all Pappy's best friends. My husband would take them out and run around with them play ball with them and whatever they wanted to do..he did. My oldest of the 8 is 9 yrs old. He is having a hard time with this. Less than 3 mos after he lost pappy' his other pap who was not sick, passed away within 3 days of getting sick with pneumonia and an infection that took over his entire body. It is just devastating. I, like you, want to be happy but can't. You are so right about the things we did together are now a chore. My father is not in good health and has been hospitalized 5 x since Harry died. He had a stroke and we were at the hospital every day for a month. He came home and went back in 4x for 3 and 4 days at a time. I have to be there for my 82 yr. old Mom who is starting to forget. I don't feel I have had the time to properly grieve. I thought I was alone in these feelings but when I read your message, it was almost like I wrote it myself. I just returned this evening from visiting my daughter in Ga. for her 35th birthday. When I came home I was devastated remembering how he used to come out to the car to meet me and hug me and tell me how much he missed me. He wasn't there. No one was there. I keep telling myself I have to do my best to be strong for the little ones who keep asking Where's Pappy? I am not good at it though. One set of grandchildren had lost their dog shortly before Harry passed and they tell each other that Pappy is in heaven with Gracey. I try to keep him alive in their minds by always talking about him and showing them pictures. He deserved that because he loved them so. Don't let them forget. It will help us too. We can do this. We have to for our families.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 19, 2010 at 6:53am

Hi Peg,
We all have crosses to bear you have had enough...I'm having my youngest grandchild spend the day with me....I always start crying because I wish that Robbie was with us..He just wanted to be with his grandchildren...He couldn't wait to retire so that he could spend more time with them...I hate the fact that he is gone....I know that I should be strong but I'm not....I don't want to grow old alone....We had plans for the future and now that is gone....How can I be happy...Everyone I know has a loved one with them....It's so had at times to go to family events...People holding hands and kissing and hugging....I miss that the most....Robbie gave the best hugs....I feel for both of us the loves of our lives were taken away by cancer....Cancer sucks big time....There has to be a cure someday...Too many loved ones are suffering...Don't know whatelse to say because we both are feeling the same way...Thank you for answering Peggy...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....Denny

Peg Otley said:

Denise,
I lost my husband of 39 years to pancreatic cancer on Dec. 13th 2009. He was diagnosed May 26th, 2009. I feel the same way you do. It has been 4 mos. and I still cry everyday....several times a day. I tell my friends that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I have 3 children, the 2 boys live within 10 min. and my daughter lives 12 hrs away in Ga. I have 8 grandchildren. 6 live here. They were all Pappy's best friends. My husband would take them out and run around with them play ball with them and whatever they wanted to do..he did. My oldest of the 8 is 9 yrs old. He is having a hard time with this. Less than 3 mos after he lost pappy' his other pap who was not sick, passed away within 3 days of getting sick with pneumonia and an infection that took over his entire body. It is just devastating. I, like you, want to be happy but can't. You are so right about the things we did together are now a chore. My father is not in good health and has been hospitalized 5 x since Harry died. He had a stroke and we were at the hospital every day for a month. He came home and went back in 4x for 3 and 4 days at a time. I have to be there for my 82 yr. old Mom who is starting to forget. I don't feel I have had the time to properly grieve. I thought I was alone in these feelings but when I read your message, it was almost like I wrote it myself. I just returned this evening from visiting my daughter in Ga. for her 35th birthday. When I came home I was devastated remembering how he used to come out to the car to meet me and hug me and tell me how much he missed me. He wasn't there. No one was there. I keep telling myself I have to do my best to be strong for the little ones who keep asking Where's Pappy? I am not good at it though. One set of grandchildren had lost their dog shortly before Harry passed and they tell each other that Pappy is in heaven with Gracey. I try to keep him alive in their minds by always talking about him and showing them pictures. He deserved that because he loved them so. Don't let them forget. It will help us too. We can do this. We have to for our families.

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