I have a question for all of you

Actually it is a problem I have, and I am very confused. I need some opinions. My problem is that my husband died from pancriatic cancer on Dec. 10th, 2009. and I am living in the 2 bedroom apartment we lived for 12 years. We used to live in a house when the children were growing up, and going to school. When they graduated from college, and one by one started to leave the house, my dear husband and I decided to sell the house and move to this apartment. We were very happy here, happier than we ever were before, because we had a lot less responsabilities, and we had more time for ourselves. We were doing things we never did before, because we had more time, and less responsabilities. So I love this apartment, it is very centrally located, we have the buses going to the city in front of our door, we have everything walking distance, convinience store, dry cleaner, taown hall, police department, doctors, boutiques, supermarket, resonable restaurants. But it is very sad for me to see my husband everywhere in this apartment. I try to be busy during the day, I go out for walks around a beautiful huge lake we have close by, I try to be with people, but when I come back to the apartment I have to face reality, he is not here, and I feel empty, cold, and all the time I am inside doors what I do is cry, I look at his pictures in the computer, and cry. I have now a constant head-ache. I slept in our bed at the begining but I couldn't take it anymore, and I am sleeping in the living room on the sofa. Some of my friends advice me to move. One of my friends who moved to my building a few month ago is 70 years old, she never got married, she lived all her life with her mother, and her mother passed away. She tells me that she never went back to the place she used to live with her mother, because she knew that she wouldn't be able to be there without her mother. She cries all the time for her mother, but she tells me that not going back to that place after the mother passed helped her a lot. My question is: If anyone here who have lost the husband is finding out that it is too difficult to live in the same place where used to live with the husband. How do all of you widows feel about it? At the beginning I thought that probably after a while I would get used to be alone in this place, but I notice that the more time passes by, the more I miss him. It is not getting better, and on week-ends I just want to die. It is very difficult for me to see all the time all those people who used to see him with me. I don't know, it is very difficult to explain exactly the feeling. Please, give your opinions. Thank you.

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Wasilewski on April 22, 2010 at 7:30pm

Carina, I live in the house we lived in for 32 years. My husband died on Oct. 20th 2009.
He was very handy & built a 2 car garage, a deck & a sunroom.
I feel he is here looking over me. His spirit seems to be here.
I cry also but I think it is good to cry.
I will live here as long as I can. He would want it that way.

Permalink Reply by Mary on April 22, 2010 at 8:27pm

Carina,
Everyone has to make the decisions that are best for them. And only you can decide what you need to do. The best advise I have heard, and from several sources is to not make any major decisions for at least a year.
My first husband died almost 30 years ago. I was living in the south with my three young children. His family was there, but all my family was in Michigan. He died in Nov and I moved back home in June. That was the right decision for me under those circumstances.
I am widowed again after being married to the most wonderful man for 24 years. He died on Feb 7th of this year. I now live in a 3 bedroom, two story house, by myself. He and I both loved this house. He said, however, if something ever happened to me, he couldn't stay here. I on the other hand, will stay here as long as I possibly can. Yes, I see him everywhere, and my grief from losing him is overwhelming. But I don't think moving somewhere would change that and when things get easier with time, I know I will be glad I stayed, because of all the happy times we had together---here.
Every thing you describe that you are feeling, I am feeling, as I am sure most of us on this site are. Will your feelings change if you move or will just the physical scenery change.
Think for a while before you decide, be sure you are ok with your decision. Good luck which ever way you decide. Mary

Permalink Reply by Carina on April 22, 2010 at 8:37pm

Barbara Wasilewski said:

Carina, I live in the house we lived in for 32 years. My husband died on Oct. 20th 2009.
He was very handy & built a 2 car garage, a deck & a sunroom.
I feel he is here looking over me. His spirit seems to be here.
I cry also but I think it is good to cry.
I will live here as long as I can. He would want it that way.

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 22, 2010 at 9:08pm

Carina my husband passed away June 5th 2008. I have two children who are 16 and 6. The house we lived in was a two bedroom and our youngest slept in our room from birth . He had his own bed but need ed his own room. Before we were in our car accident my husband was going to built a room for our oldest son but could not have for he had back and neck pain. After he passes away it was hard going home everyday without him there. I didnt think I could live they and try to add own to it. So last may I bought a house and moved. My 6 year old started sleeping though the night for the first time. It was hard but I felt that was the best thing for us. I still need to clean out the other house but I will do that in my own time. You have to decide for yourself what you need to do. I still moved Barrys clothes with us and they are in my closet. My 16 year old wears some of the jackets and I wear his t-shorts to bed. Just pray and you wil mke the right decision for you. Take Care and God bless

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on April 22, 2010 at 10:16pm

I will live in this house till I join him in heaven. He was the bread winner and EVERYTHING including this house, he bought for us. He was so proud the day we became home owners. I see him in every room, but it comforts me. I promised to bring him home after he passed and I did. I have his ashes here with me. When I pass, my daughter will scatter our ashes into the deep blue Pacific Ocean that we loved so much.

Do what will make YOU feel better. Blessings.......Linda

Permalink Reply by Catherine on April 23, 2010 at 8:16am

I lost my husband of 24 years in 2006. We lived in an apartment for that whole time with my 2 children and my mom. When he passed I thought I was going to be unable to stay there but then I was afraid to move because I felt I would be leaving him behind. I bought new furniture changed the curtains and made a little memorial on the piano for him. I light a candle every night at the time he passed and blow it out at the time they took him away from me. He passed at home in a hospice setting and I feel him there with me all the time. I may be different but we all have to do whatever gets us through the day. I do feel the most sympathy for you for my heart is broken and will never be whole until we meet again. I truely hope you can find peace and comfort and know he is with you no matter where you live. My very best for you and know he is always in your HEART

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on April 23, 2010 at 8:32am

Carina,Sounds like you live in an ideal location that you love.Like Mary said Do not make any life altering decisions for the first year.The other thing is,you are going to miss your husband no matter where you are.In time the things that are bothering you now will bring you comfort.I know that doesn't seem possible but it will.I live in a house we built together with our own hands,we've been here for 31 years.He died in my bedroom on the floor.But we had more good memories here than just that one bad memory.My daughter does have a problem going into my room but I don't.So you will know in time what you need to do.But please give yourself some time to grieve first.You're right the weekends do suck!!!

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on April 23, 2010 at 9:45am

carina i just read the website with your question. my husband and i live in a 4 room apt. with 2 bedrooms he had his computer in one room with a bed he had his massive heart attack in that room i still see him laying the way he fell and hearing him taking his last breath. when my husband first died after the funeral my sister wanted me to go to her apt. she lives downstairs from me i told her no i want to go to my own apt. my husband was in the reserve during the viet nam war i received a flag and my son gave me something to place the flag in. now in his computer room i had made it georges room i have the flag , the cross that was in his casket ,the plaque from the church. his printer his tv everything that was his sometimes when i cannot sleep i lay on the bed in the computer room and i feel safe and i can sleep. when george passed the first thing i did i guess out of anger was get rid of his clothing and giving them to the salvation army at least someone can use them it was very hard to back to the apt. i wanted to move but i said to myself this was georges and my apt. for 34 1/2 years why should i move until this day i am in the same apt. i will stay there forever i hope this helps you a little again i made the bedroom his computer room for george only

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 23, 2010 at 2:14pm

Carina, Give yourself some time. The books all say don't make any major decisions for at least 1 year. Just know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing and feeling. We are all going through the same thing. I lost my husband of 46 years on November 9th. We did everything together, grocery shopping, christmas shopping, doctor's appointments, every where we went, we went together. I feel like someone just tore my heart out when he passed. I am alone at home with just two dogs. I, too, try to keep busy all day and with the help of anti-depressants and sleeping pills, try to get through each and every night. I sleep in the living room also. I have tried and tried but just can't get myself to sleep in our bedroom. I am still trying and maybe one day it will work. I am hoping. I don't know what I am going to do with the house but I am not trying to make a decision right now. You are absolutely right in that every place you look, everything you touch reminds you of him. I have many, many good memories but still cannot get over the shock of him not being here with me. I spend many hours crying. Driving in the car, I start to cry. Anywhere and anytime the tears just come. Maybe in time it will just not hurt as much. I really don't believe that but we have to hope. Just know that you are not alone because there are many, many of us going through exactly the same thing and someone is always here to talk. God Bless you and I hope you will do well.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on April 24, 2010 at 8:26am

Hi Corina, I'm a day away from the day my husband had his heart attack in our livingroom a year ago and took his last breath there. I personally can't concieve the thought of living somewhere that he never lived with me we were together 32 years and i treasure his presence here. so many memories and I still talk to him for me living anywhere else would just be unbearable. I slept in the living room for 2 years with him as he was sick and unable to go upstairs. This week I painted my bedroom and changed it around and have started to sleep there but have slept downstairs a couple nights because it is very hard comming down and not seeing him on the couch, so i'm really going to change it around so the couch is not the first thing i see comming down the stairs but I could never leave our home. God give us all the strenght we need to cope, everyone needs to do what is right for them but take some time to make your choice. virginia

Permalink Reply by Chris B on April 24, 2010 at 10:49am

My husband died on January 19, 2010. At first I thought I wouldn't be able to stay in our house, because of the memories and because of seeing him everywhere. But now I find comfort in the familiar surroundings, and I don't know that I would want to go somewhere new and have to learn new routines and patterns. It's one of the few places that I feel like I have some sort of control, if that makes sense. That being said, I did have to rearrange and redecorate the back bedroom, because every time I would go back there I would see the paramedic's gurney and my husband struggling to breathe on the bed. It was also the room where he would sit and play his guitar in the evenings, and looking into the room and seeing his things but not him was too hard for me.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 24, 2010 at 11:34am

Carina,
We have a lot in common. My husband died Dec. 13, 2009 of pancreatic cancer. Since he passed I have felt the same way you do. The difference is we still live in our home and I couldn't bring myself to sell something we worked so hard at having. It is a 3 bedroom ranch. I have a daughter who lives in Georgia, 12 hours from us. I need the extra room because my husband had one of the rooms as his "sports room". I can't change that because that was his pride and joy. We had talked about redoing the living room and the kitchen but we didn't do it. Since he has passed, I got new carpet in the livingroom, new livingroom furniture, the computer he didn't want to replace after our old one got fried during a storm, I got a laptop for myself and a desktop for the grandchildren (2nd hand). It is great because I only let them go on sites where they have fun reading and learning. I have replace the old cheap laminate in the kitchen with the good stuff and got rid of the larger dinette set and got a smaller round table with just 4 chairs. My daughter-in-law painted in there for me and it really changed the look. Did this make me happy? Yes and NO. It looks great. Our old furniture had been through 3 children and was wearing out 8 grandchildren. The kitchen set took up too much room in the small kitchen so yes it all looks very nice but it is bittersweet. We were supposed to pick this out TOGETHER. I had to do it all myself and It doesn't make me all that happy because I knew that when we did it her it would take more time moneywise. This was all done at once with insurance money. I sometimes feel guilty but I know how he was. he would WANT me to do it. I just HATE how. I'd give anything just to have him back. I am having a very hard time writing this through the tears. I KNOW how you feel. Harry and I were together for 39 years...married for 36. There will never be another man in my life because there cannot be another to measure up to him. I truly don't know that moving is the answer because no matter where you go, he will always be in your heart. That will never change. You will always miss him and you will always cry for your loss. I don't believe that a change in living area will do anything to take away the pain. I will just pray that whatever you decide will be the best answer for YOU because ultimately it is YOU who has to be comfortable with the decision not everyone else. What may be good for one may not be good for another. God Bless you. Peggy