Today at 4:35 p.m. it will be 18 weeks since my husband is gone. From the day he left till next 13 days I didn't get what really had happened. I was so busy being strong for kids, getting everything organized for the funeral, other rituals and rites etc. After 13 days everybody was back in their own homes busy with their own lives that is when my life started. I kept on hoping that my husband will walk back in any moment. I didn't move any of his stuff expecting him to walk back in. We kept oil lamp on in front of his picture for 24 hours because in the flame of that lamp my kids and I could feel my husband communicating with us. I could physically feel pain in my chest and honestly thought probably I am going to die too. Did I want to die? For me yes I would have liked to go with him but I had to stay alive because my children still need me. There is nobody else for them, I think that's what kept me going despite hurting so badly. Whenever I am writing or reading on this site my 15 year old comes and hugs me as if indirectly saying don't go mom I love you.
I often think how could his dad leave his own kids like that, but then something in me feels his pain too. I can feel in me that he didn't want to go, he wasn't ready to go, he was as worried for all of us as I am now. I could and still can feel him grieving over being taken like this. Till that day in the hospital till now I assure him every day that I will take care of things as long as he keeps on guiding me.
I guess I am telling all of you that life is sometimes so unfair, I don't know what God thinks. There is no balance in universe, some people breeze through life and not suffer a day in their life. Some people keep on suffering, might make you strong but doesn't make the pain any less. So today I am praying for all of us hurting and trying to find strength from each other.

Views: 53

Replies to This Discussion

You sound like your trying so hard to stay strong. I look at my daughter17 and my son4 who are still home with me for strength. Instead, it only brings tears. My little baby boy, he looks and walks just like his dad. I think of his first day of school and all the days after when he will see his friends with their fathers. There are so many evil people in this world God could have taken. Why ours? I read of all the wonderful husbands lost on this site and that's the question there is no answer for. The statements made to me of how he's in a better place with no pain doesn't bring much comfort to me. He loved his family and was so happy right here with us. Life is so unfair -you are so right-
I know life is not fair. I tell my kids that because if it was Barry would be here with us. It has been 22 months I still feel pain and cry. I miss him so much. It was a great father and husband. I know he didnt want to leave us either. When he was sick and in the hospital we thought he would get better. He did say I am not afaird to die because I will go to heaven but I am afraid to leave you and the kids. I guess that is way I have never been mad at him for leaving because I know he wanted to gey better and stay with us. I have a 16 and 6 year old boys. It is so hard to go to that first day of school and he not be there. He was always there before at school things , he coached and was a boy scout leader. He has been hard for both children. I will have to say people have been so supported. The kids in my youngest sons class know his father passed away because he will tell people. He wanted a shirt that we saw that said My Dad is Awesome. He wears it and ells people he does have an awesome Dad it is just his dad is in heaven. I just try and go on for my kids. I dont want them to grow up and say the day my Dad passed away my mom died also. I will try and do the things Barry and I did with the kids and just remember the great memories we have together. Take care and ask for strength eveyday.
You all make me feel lucky.My children are grown and were devasted.I can't imagine their suffering.I feel your pain.Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.Kathy
Thanks Kim. That's what I have been telling my kids everyday. My 15 year old was talking to me yesterday that he feels so guilty because he couldn't save dad. I had to explain to him that it wasn't his fault that his dad had silent heart attack and couldn't even call for help. My 24 year old blames himself because he was never had training in CPR but he performed CPR while 911 coached him through. He thinks probably something he did. I have to tell all three of them that there dad would have been so proud the way they are today. All supportive of each other and specially me. Must be a reason for all this as everybody says. Only wish I was smart enough to know that reason.

Kim Hawkins said:
I know life is not fair. I tell my kids that because if it was Barry would be here with us. It has been 22 months I still feel pain and cry. I miss him so much. It was a great father and husband. I know he didnt want to leave us either. When he was sick and in the hospital we thought he would get better. He did say I am not afaird to die because I will go to heaven but I am afraid to leave you and the kids. I guess that is way I have never been mad at him for leaving because I know he wanted to gey better and stay with us. I have a 16 and 6 year old boys. It is so hard to go to that first day of school and he not be there. He was always there before at school things , he coached and was a boy scout leader. He has been hard for both children. I will have to say people have been so supported. The kids in my youngest sons class know his father passed away because he will tell people. He wanted a shirt that we saw that said My Dad is Awesome. He wears it and ells people he does have an awesome Dad it is just his dad is in heaven. I just try and go on for my kids. I dont want them to grow up and say the day my Dad passed away my mom died also. I will try and do the things Barry and I did with the kids and just remember the great memories we have together. Take care and ask for strength eveyday.
Janet your little boy is the one who is going to get you out of this time. You are so lucky that you have a daughter to help you and share with you this time. This time will help you bond together. I know in the beginning I used to get so irritated with everybody because all I wanted to do was grieve. I guess I was being selfish that time. I still miss my husband and cry for him but it only when I am alone. God bless you and all of us.

Janet Farthing said:
You sound like your trying so hard to stay strong. I look at my daughter17 and my son4 who are still home with me for strength. Instead, it only brings tears. My little baby boy, he looks and walks just like his dad. I think of his first day of school and all the days after when he will see his friends with their fathers. There are so many evil people in this world God could have taken. Why ours? I read of all the wonderful husbands lost on this site and that's the question there is no answer for. The statements made to me of how he's in a better place with no pain doesn't bring much comfort to me. He loved his family and was so happy right here with us. Life is so unfair -you are so right-
Kathleen it is so hard when you have to go through something like this, but the way it happened and amount of involvement my kids had. My 15 year old was alone with his dad when he found him. His brother came in right away to start CPR but he had to travel in the ambulance with his dad. He was hopeful the entire time, the suddenness of it has knocked us down.

kathleen caylor said:
You all make me feel lucky.My children are grown and were devasted.I can't imagine their suffering.I feel your pain.Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.Kathy
Please tell your son he did the best he could.I'm a professional and have done CPR successfully in the past.But the day my husband collapsed,I did CPR for 10 min.before EMS arrived and they worked on him for another 30 mins.I read a statistic that only 7% of CPR is successful outside of a hospital setting,I truly believe that decision was taken out of our hands.I felt like a complete failure,so I'm sure he is feeling the same thing.Please reassure him he did his best,but god had other plans.I hope he and the rest of your family finds some peace,Kathy
I know what you mean my son who was 14 at the time came home from school and thought his dad was a sleep. He called to tell me he was home and I ask where is your dad and he said a sleep on the bed. I knew something was not right because Barry had not been sleeping much and none during the day. I told him to try and wake him up and he could not. I told him to hang up and call 911. I called a neighbor and when i got home my son was running out of the house down the street . I knew in my heart on the way home he was gone. I was screaming in the car all the way home. My husband had eat breakfast and was fine when I left to take my 4 year old to my mom because Barry had a doctors appointment later in the day. We have a lot of what ifs. Just dont understand it all.
I had talked to my husband the same day two hours ago and he had been fine & very happy. He had talked to my 15 year old just 1/2 hour ago to send him out for shoveling snow. When my son came back in to get a drink his dad was sleeping on the sofa watching tv. My older son phoned from outside and he didn't pick up the phone so my youngest son came to wake him up. All those what ifs are not letting us heal.

Kim Hawkins said:
I know what you mean my son who was 14 at the time came home from school and thought his dad was a sleep. He called to tell me he was home and I ask where is your dad and he said a sleep on the bed. I knew something was not right because Barry had not been sleeping much and none during the day. I told him to try and wake him up and he could not. I told him to hang up and call 911. I called a neighbor and when i got home my son was running out of the house down the street . I knew in my heart on the way home he was gone. I was screaming in the car all the way home. My husband had eat breakfast and was fine when I left to take my 4 year old to my mom because Barry had a doctors appointment later in the day. We have a lot of what ifs. Just dont understand it all.

RSS

Latest Conversations

Alex Well is now a member of LegacyConnect
Friday
Profile IconDolores Beauchamp , Mirko and Ruth Henderson joined LegacyConnect
Sep 26
dream moon commented on dream moon's group i ❤❤❤ mom
Sep 25
Melanie Bowen is now a member of LegacyConnect
Sep 13

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2022   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service