My husband has left me 18 weeks ago. By now I should accept it and move on. I have always thought of myself as very courageous person who can handle everything. But since Wednesday, Dec 23, 2009 4:35 p.m. I found out that I was very mistaken. Till now I can't accept that my husband has gone. I always say that he has left me, why? I always people who want to sympathize with me because that means accepting it. I often imagine myself in his shoes that how would I feel if somebody takes me away from my family without even letting me talk to them at least once. Letting me tell them that I love all of them and that I would never leave them alone willingly. When I think for him I just cry and cry. Am I feeling his pain or my pain? Would it have been easier to bear if he would have been sick for few days and we would have been emotionally prepared? Can anybody be ever prepared for something like this?

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18 weeks is not a long time at all. You will accept what has happened when you are ready. I, too, thought I was strong because my husband had been sick for some time and spent the last 5 weeks in ICU. For a long time I had to take care of things around the house that he would have done had he been able to. No matter how strong you are or how you think you can handle losing someone you love, when the time comes you are not prepared and cannot be ready emotionally. My husband passed almost 6 months ago and I still cry every day and I go to the cemetery every day and I cry then too. I don't know why things happen the way they do but I just have to believe that there is a reason for it even if I don't like
it. I miss my husband so very much. I wait for the day that I will be reunited with him again. That is what keeps me going right now.
Anne,
I agree with you. My husband died of lung cancer on Oct 20 2009. He was diagnosed with it in 2005. Had part of a lung removed & was in remission for 2 years.
It came back & the pet scans, radiation, chemo went on in 2008.
In 2009 he seemed to be ok for 2 months then started going downhill.
In August he was admitted to a Heathcare Hospital for 2 months. Could not walk. The last 2 weeks of his life were in a nursing home.
started grieving while he was in the Healthcare as I knew he was not going to get better. His daughter from a first marriage turned against me as she could not accept that he was dying. She has not been in touch with me since.

I was relieved when he passed away because he was no longer suffering. That got me through the funeral.
Now I am really missing his hugs,hearing his voice, doing things with him.
It is lonely without him but I would not want him back the way he was. He always said he wanted to go with a sudden heart attack but that was not to be. We don't get to choose.
I miss him so much .
My one brother told me yesterday I should stop counting the weeks & months since he died but I cannot do that.
The tears are still flowing & my heart aches.

I don't think this ache will ever go away.
Barbara, I too count the weeks and months since my husband has passed. I don't know why. For me sometimes it is telling myself "okay, you've been alone this long, so now what are you going to do about it." In some ways I still can't believe he has been gone almost 9 months. It will be 9 months on May 9. It seems like yesterday in some aspects and when I consider my loneliness it seems like forever. I know I have to carry on in his memory and honour him, but sometimes it is so hard. I have days like yesterday that all I do is cry and mope around the house.
I am so sorry that you had to watch your husband suffer, in many aspects I think that may be harder than sudden loss. I lost Larry to a sudden heart attack...like your husband it is the way he said he always wanted to go. He got his wish. And though my heart breaks I would not have wanted him to suffer. He was too kind and compassionate a man to go through that. I think too of all that we have lost, no more hugs, no more really sick jokes and comments, no more complete devotion. I didn't realize until he was gone how I could possibly miss that so much.
Everyday is a struggle, but I am so glad that I have found this site...here everyone understands.
Take care and together we can all make it Yvonne
No Lois, I don't think he left me alone willingly but no matter what way I look at it. I did get left behind didn't I. I used to joke with him about my dying first but that would have been after my youngest son was grown. None of us expected him to go like this.

Lois Taitague said:
The love of my life died the day before yours, on the 22nd. It also was sudden and unexpected. Perhaps the difference is that we often talked about the time when one of us would be left behind, as he was only 46 but I am 70. Our talks were always in relation to my leaving first, even though I often told him that if he didn't change his eating/smoking habits he would leave me behind. Because we had these talks, I feel that good-byes were not necessary. There was nothing I could say to him at the moment he lost consciousness on our bed that I hadn't already said many times, and nothing he could have said to make it better. The only way a final talk would have helped is if there was something between us that necessitated an apologize, but we made sure there was never any issue left unsettled.

You probably don't mean it this way, but when you say "he left me" it almost makes it sound like he had a choice. Do you blame him for leaving? I can understand that, because in a way I blame Mark for making poor choices that led to his early death. I suppose this is why I accepted it almost the moment it happened, because I always saw it as inevitable. The only question that needed to be answered was when, and that was decided on December 22, 2010. So in that way I never went through the stage of denial; how can one deny such an obvious fact? What is, is. The only question now is, What am I going to do about the rest of my life?
I am so sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through, but my husband went to heaven on August 5, 2009, its coming up on 9 months, and it isn't any easier. His death was very sudden, one minute he was walking out the door to go to the store, and 35 seconds later he had passed away. Yes, I feel he left me, and our children but he had no say in the matter and he always told me he never wanted to leave me. We had many good times, and I have hundreds of good memories, but it does hurt to think of them because we had many more dreams to live and so many more things to do together. No matter what the circumstances I don't think anyone is ever prepared. I know I wasn't. I still cannot believe it has happened and that I will be alone the rest of my life without him. He was only 53 and full of life. I keep asking why??? But, no one has the answers except that his job that God had given him was done here. It doesn't make it any easier to accept. The only thing that gets me through this life is the fact that I know one day we will be together once again. I look forward to the day when he takes my hand and leads me into heaven. I am praying for you that you get through this. It's okay to cry, I do every day also. It's natural and you have to let it out.
Barb I was reading what you wrote and felt like somehow you looked inside me and wrote my feelings. I know that my husband didn't have any choice he had to go. What I am trying to understand is how much of my pain is because I lost him? How much more/less would it have been if we had chance to say our Good Bye? How much of my pain is his pain because he didn't get to say his Good Bye? Do I make any sense or am I just going crazy?

Barb said:
I am so sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through, but my husband went to heaven on August 5, 2009, its coming up on 9 months, and it isn't any easier. His death was very sudden, one minute he was walking out the door to go to the store, and 35 seconds later he had passed away. Yes, I feel he left me, and our children but he had no say in the matter and he always told me he never wanted to leave me. We had many good times, and I have hundreds of good memories, but it does hurt to think of them because we had many more dreams to live and so many more things to do together. No matter what the circumstances I don't think anyone is ever prepared. I know I wasn't. I still cannot believe it has happened and that I will be alone the rest of my life without him. He was only 53 and full of life. I keep asking why??? But, no one has the answers except that his job that God had given him was done here. It doesn't make it any easier to accept. The only thing that gets me through this life is the fact that I know one day we will be together once again. I look forward to the day when he takes my hand and leads me into heaven. I am praying for you that you get through this. It's okay to cry, I do every day also. It's natural and you have to let it out.
Connie, Anne and Barbara I am very sorry that you all had to suffer and watch your husbands suffer too. I guess there is no simple answer to my question. Because all of you got to say your Good Bye's and are still hurting and people like me didn't get to say our Good Bye's and are hurting. Probably this is what life is? God Bless All of Us even though isn't he responsible for our pain and suffering.
I am so sorry for you loss. I relate to your story my husband past Feb 2010 together for 40 years. Just continue to have flash backs of the night he left. He was in the Va hospital and truly was talking to me pretty normal and then they could not get his oxygen up and took him to ICU and I never was able to talk to him again. I saw tears in his eyes it was to awful. I know in my heart he had know Idea it was going to happen. It kills me. I don't want to touch any of his things or even get rid of anything that means to me I am getting rid of him. I know your indescrible pain. It is paralizing. I read one ladies story saying she no longer wants to die just so she can be with her husband. I could relate to this and said oh my gosh so many things in common with grief. Said you don't forget but the pain is not as bad. But you have to allow grieving in your time and however you feel you can move on. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sandy
I am really sorry for you Sandy, like you I haven't moved anything of my husband. His towel is still hanging where he left it. His night suit is still hanging behind the bedroom door. His clothes are still in the closet. Everything is just as he left it. It's just that he doesn't come back. I know I have to be strong for my children. May God give you strength to handle this too. Take care.

Sandy said:
I am so sorry for you loss. I relate to your story my husband past Feb 2010 together for 40 years. Just continue to have flash backs of the night he left. He was in the Va hospital and truly was talking to me pretty normal and then they could not get his oxygen up and took him to ICU and I never was able to talk to him again. I saw tears in his eyes it was to awful. I know in my heart he had know Idea it was going to happen. It kills me. I don't want to touch any of his things or even get rid of anything that means to me I am getting rid of him. I know your indescrible pain. It is paralizing. I read one ladies story saying she no longer wants to die just so she can be with her husband. I could relate to this and said oh my gosh so many things in common with grief. Said you don't forget but the pain is not as bad. But you have to allow grieving in your time and however you feel you can move on. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sandy
Hi, It was a year ago on 4-29 that I lost the love of my life, and I can tell you it is not any easier.My husband had emphysema fo 10 yrs. He was always of the mindset that if you were not able to be productive in your own way of life then it wasn't worth living.We were together 32 yrs. I watched for him for the last 10 yrs. die more everyday and he would get so mad he couldn't do the things he use to do and had to relay on me. Then in 2008 I became totally disabled and had to quit work he would get so upset because he couldn't do more to help and worried who would take care of us. I always told him I would never put him in a nurseing home, that was his biggest fear I think, I told him don't worry, I thank god I had good insurance if need be we would have side by side hospital beds in the living room lol as i have unlimted in home health care He wasn't bedfast but couldn't walk from one room to the other even with his oxygen but he would do it and have to rest. What I'm trying to say is I truelly often think it is better to go fast and not have the suffering and if you tell each other how much you love and apprecate each other then there is no regrets about saying goodbye. My husband died of a massive heart attack at home with only me here I did the cpr and it took so long for them to bring him back that he was on total life support for 4 days I have no regrets except I must live the rest of my life without him, but his suffering is over and he is whole again. remember the good things that does help. Virginia
Are only son and his family and all my family in another state want me to move there. Sell the house where my husband and I have lived 30yrs and with all the things in it that I wont even touch. I have no family here. I want to just to be around family but absolutely don't want to leave my place where I feel Bob is again its getting rid of his life its so wrong. Even the bill collectors want me to change his name to just mine. Everything about moving on is getting rid of my husbands attachment to me. He got a puppy 1 yr before he left and said never get rid of him he was for me. Chester is his name and people are even saying get rid of him hes to much. He a big dog and I have a disability. My husband is buried in the state where my family is at the VA veterans that bothers me to. So many confusing issues. Some people say not to do anything major for a year. I dont know if I can do this with out family close I get so depressed and its worrisome for them and I don't want to worry them at all. They have lives to lead memories to make and so forth. Thank God my son has his immediate family to help with his grief because, because Im not totally there for him and that makes me upset at myself. He is such a good man and is trying to be strong for me and it hurts to see him hurt so bad. I hear it in his voice and I have gone there a couple of times and can tell he is holding it in. They are saying I have to grieve but what about him. I am worried for him. He is a christian that helps. Thank-you for listening
Thanks for sharing Ana. In 'Bhagwad Gita' one of the Hindu Holy Scriptures Lord Krishna tells Arjuna:

Whatever happened, it happened for good.
Whatever is happening, is happening for good.
Whatever that will happen, it will be for good.
What have you lost for which you cry?
What did you bring with you, which you have lost?
What did you produce, which has destroyed?

You did not bring anything when you were born.
Whatever you have, you have received from God.
Whatever you will give, you will give to God.
You came empty handed and you will go the same way.
Whatever is yours today was somebody else’s yesterday
and will be somebody else’s tomorrow.
Change is the law of the universe.

Of course whatever is said it true but that doesn't make the pain go away. After all whatever relationship we form in this universe is also God's doing and this feeling of loss is because of him.


Ana said:
Hurting,

I am so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your husband. No matter how we lose a loved one, we’re never going to be ready to deal with it or maybe even fully accept it. The Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3: 11 says referring to God: “Everything he has made pretty in its time. Even time indefinite he has put in their heart.” Yes, we were created to live forever and that’s why we cannot get used to death. Our hearts yearn to continue living and we’re never prepared to die.

Due to reasons that are also found and discussed in the Bible we now suffer, get ill, and die; however, very soon that will all be a thing of the past. Revelations 21: 4 holds the following promise: “And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” You can be sure that the day is near in which you will no longer have to suffer due to the loss of your husband, but that’s not all that the Bible promises. John 5: 21, 28, 29 registers Jesus’ promise while he was here on earth: “For just as the Father raises the dead up and makes them alive, so the Son also makes those alive whom he wants to. Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.” Your husband will be amongst those who hear Jesus’ voice and come back to life. You will soon be able to be with him again without any of today’s suffering.

I truly wish you may find some comfort in these words and scriptures.

Sincerely,

Ana

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