Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on May 6, 2010 at 1:30pm

Kara,today would have been my parents 71st anniversay.My dad died 5 years ago.On their anniversay that year I bought my mom a "thinking of you"card and took her some flowers.My dad adored her.He would expect no less.Now as far as you being"strong"forget it!You are mourning too.I was 55 and devasted!It was my first real personal loss.Take care and share with your mom.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 6, 2010 at 3:54pm

Kara, put your arms around Mom and tell her I love you. You can't change the date so change the day. This past winter one day when it was the 7 month anniversary of my husbands passing I was feeling really down. Our middle son came over and we went out to stores that we had never been to before, we didn't buy anything, but spent the day just looking around. Later we went for dinner. Had a nice leisurely dinner and just talked. I will never forget what he did for me that day. It doesn't have to be fancy. Keep it simple. I am not looking forward to our anniversary, I know it will be really tough, but I know that our sons will be there for me. Just be there for your Mom. As far as you being the "strong" one ( how I hate that word) you don't have to be. Your Mom knows you are grieving too. Take it one day at a time Kara.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Dotti on May 6, 2010 at 10:02pm

Kara
How about going to your mom and just hold her, if you both need to cry then do it. I lost my husband on 2/27/10 and found my daughter was leary about comming over cause she knows Im hurting. I expained to her that SHE is hurting also. Be there for your mom. Since your dad is gone now get your mom a fathers day card. I lost my dad when I was just 16 yrs old. Since my mom was now mom and dad we got her both cards. She thought it was funny but loved the gifts. I also lost my mom 2 weeks before Christmas. I know how you feel. Im so sorry for you honey.

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 6, 2010 at 10:55pm

Kara, Please let me send my condolences to you and your family. Just know that what you are going through is difficult but it is 10 times harder for your Mom. Being a mother who just lost her husband 6 months ago, the one thing that your Mom needs from you now is to love her and show that you will always love her and be there for her. Just a hug makes a difference. All holidays are difficult no matter what they are. Honey, be there for your Mom she needs you so very much right now. You don't need to say anything to Mom. She just needs to know that you care and are there for her when she is ready to talk. Best wishes to you all

Permalink Reply by Virginia on May 7, 2010 at 8:36am

Hi Kara, I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my father when i was 15 almost 16 he had planned my sweet 16 b-day party he passed in feb. and i turned 16 in march boy was I so angry at him, even though he had health issues.I was a daddys girl doing everything with him then two years later I lost my mom so by the time I was 17 I had lost everything. Now at 51 I lost the love of my life a year ago this april we were together 32 yrs. and I'm not dealing with it well at all. time does help ease the pain but you never get over it.In my lifetime I've lost so many people a fiance,brother all my g-parents, I've always been taught the lord never gives you more then you can handle BUT I'm thinking enough is enough lol. All I can tell you about your parents ann. is to ask your mom what she would like to do it's ok if she doesn't want to do anything ,but you need to be with her part of the day lf possable, or send flowers telling her your thinking about her my ann. is the 15 of this month and I'm not sure myself. One more thing please talk about your father around her yes it might be sad but cry and laugh together I find even tho it's been a yr. nobody wants to talk about my husband and that hurts so much like he never existed they think it will upset me to talk about him no way that is how you keep them alive in your heart good luck and take it one day at a time. Virginia

Permalink Reply by Marlena on May 7, 2010 at 11:32am

Kara,

I am sorry that you and your mom have to go through this. You're mom is very lucky to have you. Here you are hurting in your own way, yet you are taking the time to consider you mom and her needs. You are an amazing daughter.

I feel like I can relate to your story. On March 16, 2009 I lost my husband, Tom, unexpectedly 11 days after a snowmobile accident. He was only 44 and we were 2 months and 9 days short of our 25th wedding anniversary. I dreaded that anniversay coming. His mom had planned a surprise party for us that I didn't learn about until later. Our girls were 24 and 22 and our son was only 13 when they lost their dad. They each are still handling it in different ways, but I am blessed that they have been there for me through every step of this process.

What your mom may need, more than anything, is just to know that you are there for her. Maybe it would be good for the two of you to do something that your dad would have liked to do, such as going out to dinner at his favorite restaurant or going to a place special to him (this might work for both their anniversary and for Father's Day). Whatever you choose to do, do it to honor your dad and all that he is to both of you. My kids made sure that I was not alone on our anniversary (I did find time to sneak away to the cemetary for some time alone with Tom, though). We went out to dinner at the place Tom and I were going to go the night of his accident, but we had never made it to. Mostly the day was spent reminiscing about Tom and remembering his antics, his life, and his love for all of us. Father's Day was spent much the same way. I wanted the kids to be able to do what worked for them. We did go to the cemetary together that day and released balloons in honor of Dad. Each of them wrote something personal on the balloon and let it go.

Whatever you choose to do hang on tight to each other. Your love and support of each other is what will carry you through this grief journey. Don't listen to those that tell you you have to be strong. You have to do what is right for you. Everything right now is one step at a time, one breath at a time.

I wish you and your mom peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Kara on May 7, 2010 at 3:17pm

Thank you all for your kind words and inspiration. I know the best way to help my Mom through this terrible time is just to be there for her and support her. I can openly say that I was much closer to my Dad then my Mom. Typical Daddy's girl I guess. I would always call my Dad for advice on everything in life. He was my true inspiration and my very best friend. The most important person in the world to me... So my Mom and I have really had to adjust our relationship becuase we were so used to leaning on my father, and now have to learn to lean on eachother. It just kills me to think of all the occasions he will be missing. My Dad will not be there to walk me down the isle, or to welcome my first child into the world. I just need him so much. My Mom is an amazing person as well, you know how it is with Dad's and daughters. Thank you all again. Everyone says the "firsts" are the worse. This just shows me to cherrish everyone I have in my life and to always tell them how much I love them. Because I never thought that the last hug and "I love you Daddy" would be the last.