I just thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Basia. I have been lurking for a while, reading your posts and crying with you all. I can relate to each and every one of you in some way. I have lost my beautiful hubby on April 17. On February 4th he came home from a business trip and was happy and well. I was ecstatic to have him back, I missed him so in those few days. The next day he got sick. His "ribs" hurt. The day after that he was flown out of town to a hospital (we lived in a remote island community in the Canadian North, way north of 60). On Feb. 11 at Ottawa Hospital we got a death sentence. TWO MONTHS! And that's what it turned out to be. Terry died with me, his kids and his parents holding on to him. My little 9 year old daughter held his hand. On top of everything we have since lost our home up north, our friends left behind, our dogs and cat stuck at a kennel as we lived in hotel rooms for 2 months. Our whole life turned upside down.

We had a beautiful marriage and were always together as a family. Living in a closed off community in a tiny house brought us so close together.

I can't breathe half the time, I can't function, I can't take care of our 4 kids (9-15 yrs.old). I just want to die. How can I help our kids who need me so badly when I cannot break past my own pain. Thank you for listening and sorry for my rambling on.
I love you Baby!

Basia

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hI basin: i just read your statement on this site. first and most of all i wish to give you my sympathy all of us on this site is going thru the same thing some even more then others.my husband had a massive heart attack on 3/1/09 he was not sick he complained about his stomach hurting and coughing i said good night and told him i loved him the next thing i heard was something falling on the floor i asked him if he was ok but got no answer so i went to the room and he was on the floor in a vegatable position. i can say that we had the time to say good night and i love you.before i knew it my sister and my neighbor was giveing him cpr and he was gone. i died with george you must take care of you children first and most. maybe when the children go to school you can have time for yourself and do what ever it is you need to do for grieving. you must let go not only for your children but for you. we all have to grieve our own way please do not hold it in if you must go and see a doctor please do so i did and i found out it help me a little. i stopped going to the doctor because i found that this site is more helpful.basia when i go thru this site i read about other people grieving i say to myself these people had more trauma then i had their spouses passed with cancer died in car crashes etc. my heart goes out to all on this site you will be able to talk to others who are going thru what you and everyone else is going thru. please keep this site for your sake. good luck keep thinking at least your daugher held his hand my kids did not because george died so fast keep in touch and let me know how you are doing
Hi Basia, I am so sorry for you. April 17 was just a month ago. I can imagine how you must be feeling right now honey. We all lived through it and believe your children are the one who are going to pull you out of it. If you are part of a small community do you have to access to community support? Just call your local helpline and they should be able to guide you to local resources. Call them everytime and talk and whatever else. If you have friends & relatives closeby get their help. Your children are looking at you right now for guidance and you will find a way.

My husband was gone on December 23, 2009, it was sudden, silent and he himself didn't even get time to be aware of it. I had talked to him at 2:30 p.m. from work and he was fine, full of plans, dreams and all. I came home and he was already gone, no byes nothing. My kids are between 15 - 24 three boys. I think from the moment I got the news in the hospital I had two choice think of myself and go in shock and possible attack or think of my kids of had nobody else and are looking to me for cues. God had made choice for my husband but I had to think for my children so I am still here.

Feeling of surrealness continues for a long time. But after a while your hope that he will walk back in through the door dashes. In the meantime real life is knocking at the door from the time you HAVE to start planning the funeral to bills, kids school etc. Do what you can do because you have to take care of Basia right now. Even now I can only plan one thing for a day and if I can't do all the housework I just pick food from outside and do my grieving.

If I can do anything for you please let me know. I will keep you and your children in my prayers
Hello Basia,I'm so sorry for your loss as others have said we are here for you.I understand the feeling of loosing a husband but ,on top of that you and your children have lost your home also not to mention the pets, all your friends WOW the way I see it you have had a triple loss. I can't even, words escape me`I'm sitting trying to think of the right word to express, how flabercasted.dumfounded. I'm feeling for you, excuse that but I truelly can't concieve how you can even get out of the bed, let alone be there for your children. All I can say is may your husband and god give you the strenth you need I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a BIG HUG. Stay on his site everyone is here for each other I can't wait in the mornings to get things done so I can get on here it's the first thing I go to Stay with us. Virginia
Virginia is right, you are dealing with a triple loss. It is hard enough to deal with your husband's death without loosing your home and support net work. It has been almost four months for me and I still can't get my mind around the fact that it happened so for you and your children it must seem beyond surreal. You are in my prayers. I have been blown away by the sudden assuming of all the responsibilty and I have grown children and grandchildren so for you it is beyond huge. I am praying for strength and inner peace so I will pray that God will give you three times as much.
Judy
Hi Basia -

I too am so very sorry for your loses.. I lost my husband of 44 years on Dec 16th just before this past Christmas.. We are NEVER ready to lose our spouse. Weather it be sudden or a prolonged illness. As you said - life turned upside down just over night..

My friend bought a book for me and it has helped me a GREAT deal and I reccomend it to ALL widows.. Its called "Learning To Live As A Widow" I would read a little bit each night in bed before I went to sleep.. Please try finding this book Basia and (all widows) It helped me and I'm sure it will help you too..

God bless you Basia - hang in there - you'll make it through with the rest of us but - just 1 day at a time...

Blessings..

~Sage~
Hi Basia, My sympathy and prayers to you and your family. I lost my husband just over 6 months ago. We were married 46 years. I have been feeling so sorry for myself until I read your post. My children are grown, the youngest being a Senior in college in September. I can't imagine how devastated you must being not only losing your husband but having 4 children and losing your house and pets. My husband had a massive heart attack in 1984 but by the grace of God survived. He had a heart transplant 10 years ago this past Monday and until the very end the heart was fine. He developed sepsis and the doctors were not able to find anything to cure it because of all the immunosupressants that he was on because of transplant. I know that I am devastated without him but can't even imagine what it is like for you. Please stay on the site and there are so many very nice people on this site that I am sure that someone will be able to help you along. May God Bless You and your children.
basia, i am so sorry for the loss of your husband, i just lost my husband on 4/19/10,just a month ago. he put up a courageous battle for 2 1/2 years, i also was his caregiver,and would do it again and again i would do anything to have him back, but without pain. i also was holding him when he passed and our sons were with him also. i don't know anything to uplift you in anyway,but only to tell you everyone here is with you,and understand what you are going through, your definitely not alone,basia , i'm on medication for anxiety, and depression,if you could get to see a doctor and tell him what is going on with your life, how you are feeling,and are raising 4 kids alone,and that you need to be able to function,he would probably order you something for anxiety,or both, meaning also for depression,the medication won't put you in lala land,but it will help with your symptons of not being able breath, and help you to focus, and motivating, it all won't happen over night, getting rid of your symptons,but once the medication your doctor orders for you,or a doctor in the (emergency room)i say er in case you don't have a doctor where your at,anyway once any medicine is in your system, it will help take the edge off the symptons your having.when i hear of anyone having those feelings i can relate to it and there awful, so if i can help by making a suggestion,that is what i'll do.i say it only so you can be able to function enough to be able to take care of your children. i feel the same pain and sadness,but i have in my favor my sons are grown,so i couldn't imagine what your going through with trying to take care of young children,some how some way with god's help he'll give you strength to be able to take care of your children,just keep praying,our prayers will give us the grace to be able to go on, just keep on line here basia, as much as you feel you need to,i know i am and that is going to help all of us. honey don't give up, and you don't need to apologize, we are all here to listen to each other,and try to be some kind of strength for one another. hope to hear from you again. charlotte b.
charlotte bannon said:
basia, i am so sorry for the loss of your husband, i just lost my husband on 4/19/10,just a month ago. he put up a courageous battle for 2 1/2 years, i also was his caregiver,and would do it again and again i would do anything to have him back, but without pain. i also was holding him when he passed and our sons were with him also. i don't know anything to uplift you in anyway,but only to tell you everyone here is with you,and understand what you are going through, your definitely not alone,basia , i'm on medication for anxiety, and depression,if you could get to see a doctor and tell him what is going on with your life, how you are feeling,and are raising 4 kids alone,and that you need to be able to function,he would probably order you something for anxiety,or both, meaning also for depression,the medication won't put you in lala land,but it will help with your symptons of not being able breath, and help you to focus, and motivating, it all won't happen over night, getting rid of your symptons,but once the medication your doctor orders for you,or a doctor in the (emergency room)i say er in case you don't have a doctor where your at,anyway once any medicine is in your system, it will help take the edge off the symptons your having.when i hear of anyone having those feelings i can relate to it and there awful, so if i can help by making a suggestion,that is what i'll do.i say it only so you can be able to function enough to be able to take care of your children. i feel the same pain and sadness,but i have in my favor my sons are grown,so i couldn't imagine what your going through with trying to take care of young children,some how some way with god's help he'll give you strength to be able to take care of your children,just keep praying,our prayers will give us the grace to be able to go on, just keep on line here basia, as much as you feel you need to,i know i am and that is going to help all of us. honey don't give up, and you don't need to apologize, we are all here to listen to each other,and try to be some kind of strength for one another. hope to hear from you again. charlotte b.
Dear Basia, There is a scripture in the bible thay basicly says to cry with those who are crying. I feel your pain and I so understand your feeling of hopelessness.I lost my husband in Jan.I am constantly wanting to give up but thru the grace of God I hang on.I pray now in Jesus name to give you peace and the strength to go on. Please write me anytime . Tell me all about your husband or anything I will listen . Your new friend in Indiana Cindy.
Basia, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Do you have family or friends that can help you with the children? Please try to get some rest, and give yourself time to grieve as well. Grieving is a part of healing. I'm so glad that you found this site, you are not alone. Trust me, you are not rambling you are expressing your pain. We truly understand. So ramble, if you must. We are listening and feeling your pain.
Hello everyone. I thank you all for your kind words and your support. It means so much to know that you are not alone in your pain and that others do understand it. It means I am not crazy. I spend my days sleeping, crying and trying to get the basics done. I am so grateful for my mother in law. Although she is grieving her son, she is still able to talk me through my worst moments. You know the ones that you just want to take a flying leap off a balcony. I have to remind myself that I do have four children and they are Terry's children and if I abandoned them he would never forgive me.
This past weekend I packed the kids up and went to OUR most favourite spot in the world. Our trailer at a beautiful lake. We have been going there camping since our oldest was 6 months and we never missed a year. We were always bottom of the barrel poor and we would walk through the park and wish for a little trailer of our own. Well, in a last 5 years things were looking better for us financially and we finally got a 40 ft. trailer for our now big family. Terry build a 16x16 deck and 2 years ago he build the kids a beautiful bunkie in the back of the trailer. It's by a pond and the kids would get up in the morning and go froggin in their pjs and Terry and I would cuddle up in bed, listen to them play and talk about how wonderful our lives were and how greatful we were for everything. Before he died he asked for some of his ashes to be put in the pond were his kids play.
So this weekend I spend crying hysterically at the trailer as I folded up Terry's summer clothes and put them back on the shelf next to my clothes. Our boys and I dug out his fire pit. Three years worth of ashes. I kept finding beer caps that Terry would occasionally toss in the fire pit. My son cleaned them all off and put them under a rock next to the old tree stump he used to chop up wood. I found some burned up pieces of paper and desperately tried to figure out what they were and maybe there was something on them that he wrote. I kept on thinking how did we go from blissfully happy one moment to me digging in ashes, looking for pieces of my life. I just wanted to die.
Anyways enough of my ranting. I hope you are all holding up somehow and I wish you all whatever that you need to get through today. Love and hugs, Basia
Hi Basia, I too ,lost my darling,richard, he and i were one person for 37 yrs. I dont have young kids, but uor son michael, cannot come over, because it bothers him to be in our home. I cant breathe either, its a chore to get up each day. I wish I could tell you a answer to your greiving ,but I have none. I wait for the day to see Richard again... my heart aches for him. God bless you and your children... try to be strong, I know just how hard that really is..Im alone so I only have myself to answer to...Sunday, was our anniversary.. nothing...Take care
Judy

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