At 6:05 a.m. it was 7 months since my husband passed. I am not sure how I have gotten through the last 7 months or how I am going to get through the next 7 months. I thought when we got older and our children were grown and on their own, life would be so much less complicated. We would be able to travel, eat out, just enjoy being together with none of the pressures of raising children and working. I guess I do understand but don't like the way life turns out. We love each other so much and 46 years just went by in a flash. I don't think I want to go on without him. If my daughters knew how I feel they would be in a panic. I can't tell them because they worry enough about me now. I can barely eat. I get to sleep by taking a sleeping pill, an anti-depressant, a muscle relaxer and 3 Tylenol PM and sometimes 2 Benadryl. This combination puts me to sleep and keeps me sleeping most of the night.

I am still angry with my husband for leaving me, with God for taking him, and with myself for not realizing that he was so gravely ill. Maybe had I taken him to the hospital where he had his transplant, maybe he would have gotten better. I can still picture him laying in that hospital bed, before they sedated him completely, and asking me to "please help me." I thought I was doing everything that I possibly could do but maybe that wasn't enough. The only thing that I am sure of is that I am waiting for the day that I am with him again. In the meantime, I don't know how to go on without him.

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Connie, I am hearing your pain. It was the same with my husband he asked me to help him to live so he grow older with me and see his children grow having their own children. I think I done the best kicking doors for him and the Uk Dr are .. I am getting to grips with he leaving me but then I have this guilt that I did not do my best. My mind seems to drift during the day, always thinking what he would say or think.
Hi Connie,
I wish I could give you words of comfort, I wish I could say something to make this better for you. What you expressed I could have said the very same thing. I thought for sure Dan would be around for the next 30 years and when we went to family gatherings we could just be Nana and Grandpa and bring them little gifts together and I thought the both of us would spend time with our 2 adult sons and their families, Dan joking and all of us laughing, eating and enjoying life, and talking, and watching our children and grandchildren growing older. Now since I know that they'll still be doing what they're doing, I have no desire left in me to live, not without Dan. I just want to join him because I am full of sadness and depression and despair that he passed away and I'm still here, all by myself. After what will be 5 months on the 22nd since he passed I am still using the PC, watching safe TV programs, walking from room to room, talking under my breath to myself, because I believe he can't hear me and I am out of my mind with dread that God is waiting yet another day to call me home. I hope I'm not breaking any rules but there are other websites that the members focus on living without our spouse and being "happy" but never forgetting our spouse. I can only speak for myself that I don't see that happening for me however, you may be able to work on your grief and get peace in life by checking it out. It's called Eons.com and just click on 'Death of a Spouse.' May God keep you in His arms and I pray you have peace. I am praying for you because I know how you feel because I feel the same and I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone. You seem like such a good person and you and everyone here deserves better than what we have been dealt with.
Take care and God bless,
Suzanne
Connie, I'm truely sorry for your loss. I'm just past 13 months and we were together 32 yrs. and at 7 months I was were you are at. I will tell you that within this past week I seem to be getting better,not saying I won't have some bad days ahead, but I'm not crying and I am starting to be ok again. and at times feel guilty about it, so it is a new journey to embark on. I'm still taking it one day at a time. god bless Virginia
Suzanne, Thank you so very much for your kind words. I completely agree with your outlook. I am not happy and I will never be happy until we are reunited. When we slept, at the least our feet touched. We were married young but we genuinely loved each other and we were never unhappy with each other. Suzanne, I have great children and grandchildren but I cannot tell them how I feel. I have to put on a brave front for them. I will be seeing my doctor in a few weeks and I am going to find out about making a 'living will'. I don't want to be kept alive. This is contrary to what I have always felt but without my husband there is no reason for me to be here. From reading your posts, I believe that you and Dan had the same kind of marriage. You can not just put aside all those years and say life has to go on. We know darn good and well that life has to go on but at the same time, it stinks. Everything I do,touch, or see reminds me of him. We never even called each other by our names. It was always Hon, Honey, Toots, or whatever else. It was something very precious that we had together and I am just not the same without him. I feel so lost as though I am just wandering through one day and then another. Oh Lord, why does life have to be like this!

We have birthdays coming up. Two of my grandaughter's will have their birthdays on June 14th and my grandson on June 21st. Then our youngest grandaughter will have her birthday next month. He so enjoyed buying presents for the kids and going to their parties. I will go because I have to go but my heart will not be in it. I am sure that he will be watching over us then but I want and need to touch him to know that he is there. Just knowing he is with us, isn't enough, I need to touch him and know in that way that he is there.

While he was sedated, I did talk to him and tell him how much I loved him but I did not think that I was going to lose him. Maybe had I known that I would have done something differently.

Suzanne, thank you again and I will keep you and Dan in my prayers every day.
Connie, I am so so sorry for your pain your feeling. I relate to everything your saying Bob and I were together 40 years married young. When he came back from Vietnam we got married right away. We had went together for 3 years before he left high school sweethearts. I waited for him. Right now I am so lonely and my family had begged me to move back home about 6 hours away but we had lived here for 25 years and I am so torn. I don't want to leave here where we have had so many memorys. On top of that I have some physical problems and had crushed my ankle and broke a bone and had plated together so still recovering I have my cast off just recently and I'm trying to be careful but lawn still has to mowed have a big yard. You really find out how much they did around house. I'm having to learn about everything about the house and maintence,car you name it. Its all up to me I have no family here. I've buried my head in the sand with finances thats not going be good if I don't do something. We are not rich, can't go back to work yet, and at my age its not as easy to get a job either. I'm going to have to some how sooner or later find something. For the first time in my life I didn't have insurance when I broke my ankle. I had to quit my job to take care of Bob. He could not be left by himself. So its hard to pick up your boot straps and walk like nothing happened in your life like some of my friends and family thinks or even some ladies I've talked to that their spouses have passed say you got to do it and get going. Its very over whelming and I'm so grateful this group does understand thats what gives me some hope to move forward. I'm sorry I am so negative but truly I think I am just scared. My prayers will be for all of you, at least we are all walking together through this and thank-you so much Sandy from Wyo
Well as you know Tim and were together 47 years, had a wonderful marriage. I know that grieving takes a long time, when we lost our son it was years not months. I did not want to have to do this grief thing again. I lost my mother in 1997 and though we were very close it is just not comparable. I did think I would die when my son, Frank, died and it took many years for both of us to recover but we did have each other to hold on to. Loosing Tim has been so overwhelming. We shared everything so there is no where I can turn that does not bring great pain. He has been in my life since I was nine years old. I also am having to learn about things I never even thought about because Tim could fix anything. At this point I feel not only great pain but that I am being overwhelmed by trying to do my stuff and his and work. I have gotten loads of grief cases in the past two months and I may be the only counselor who cries with their clients. I am thinking and saying a prayer for all of you.
I TOTALLY relate to everything you have written. My husband of 39 years died of Advanced Prostate Cancer and Congestive Heart Failure. He kept rallying over unbeatable odds, so we just thought that would happen again, but it didn't. I too see him in a hospital bed, in pain, unable to eat anymore, due to an intestinal blockage. Struggling to breathe, due to fluid in his lungs, and I feeling helpless and guilty because all he wanted to do was go home. He stopped talking when he was told he could not leave the hospital, and I believe that he just gave up. Although I stayed with him constantly, he never reacted to me again, leaving me expressing my feelings of love, to someone who just did not react. Never having heard his voice again is tearing me up, even after two months. I feel lost and alone, amongst my children
and many loving friends.
I too have trouble sleeping. Nights bring silence and too much time alone with feelings.
Perhaps we are being too hard on ourselves. From what I have read, losing a spouse is the most difficult lifestyle change.
I write in a journal, when I have feelings that I think should be expressed.
I'm taking a class to advance my capabilities in the healthcare field , and I hope to get a part time job afterwards. I am impatient by nature. 39 years with one person is hard move on from. Ron's b-day is 9-4. He would have been 63 years old. I HATE CANCER!
You go on one day at a time. That's the only thing we can do. Sometimes I wonder how have I made it this far? I do lost my husband a lit' after 6am, it's been 7 months. Hang in there, You'll be in myprayers, God bless you, Sharon
You go on one day at a time. That's the only thing we can do. Sometimes I wonder how have I made it this far? I do lost my husband a lit' after 6am, it's been 7 months. Hang in there, You'll be in myprayers, God bless you, Sharon
Thanks so much Sharon. I don't know how I go on day to day. We are now almost 9 1/2 months and I do not feel like I have made any progress. I cry at the strangest times and places. I talk to him and get angry with him for leaving me alone. He promised to always be there for me and now he isn't here any more and I still need him. We had 46 wonderful years of marriage. I know that is a long time and I should not be feeling cheated when so many people do not have that long but I am sorry, I just did not want him to go away from me. There is nothing that can really take my mind off of him. My daughter and son-in-law are taking me to Florida next week. I know that I should be so excited and happy to be going but I just can't be. I will have a great time with my grandchildren and I love being with them but I feel so bad about leaving home and not being able to go to the cemetery every day if I feel like going. I will go because I promised my son-in-law months ago that I would go with them. I am sure I will be happy that I went but I know I will be even happier when I get back home.
connie,i am so sorry for what you are going through. it is really a tough thing to be going through because i am going through it too. i am very happy for some of the people that are posting and sounding like they are doing better but i cannot lie and say i am doing good when i am not.it has been almost 6 months for me and i am not doing any better. i am like you, angry , that this had to happen and why couldnt it have been me and not him. i dont mean to offend anyone by being so negative, but that is the way i feel. my husband was my everything and now i have nothing. i feel envious of everyone that sounds like they have alot of family support. my husband and i had very little family and what we did have is giving me very little support.i just want you to know that i am sorry that it is still hurting so badly for you and i wish that i could tell you that it will get better, but i dont even believe it for myself. may GOD Bless you.

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