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Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on June 17, 2010 at 5:54pm

I want everyone who has been kind enough to respond that I love, not loved, love Malcolm Lavender more then life itself and If I could have him back again, I would give everything up for him to even just spend 1 more day with me so I could say goodbye but I am not going to get that chance. I will never feel the same with anyone else as I did with Malcolm nor do I want to find someone to replace him. I'm not lonely, I'm sad. I want to feel again and to sit here and wait for this grief to pass is not something I'm willing to do because if we do that, we will be sitting here for a long long time. I don't believe I will ever find a man of Malcolms caliber but being the kind of woman God made me, I'm not meant to be alone. I can wait for someone and I know I will cause my standards are very high now. I had the best, the best for me and it's going to take one hell of a man for me to love again. Dating seems so scary. But If a man wants to go out, uncomfortable or not, I'm going to do it. Malcolm would NOT want me doing this to myself. Has it been long enough. No one can say for we all grieve differently. We all hold onto the past differently. I'm not looking for it but I'm not going to walk away from it either. I need to have control of me again, my emotions, my anger, my own happiness.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 18, 2010 at 8:50am

Anita,I agree,it's time to regain controll of our emotions.At some point we are ready to move forward.I'm tired of grief contolling me!So we need to take those steps.Only by doing so will we get better.Good luck in your adventure of life.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on June 18, 2010 at 1:50pm

I just suffered through the 6 mo. anniversary of Harry's death and I still have a hard time even believing I am writing those words...Harry's death!!!!!!!! I still cry at some point every day. I too know in my heart I will never date again but I know many people who have and who have remarried after losing a loved one and are very happy. There is a man at our Church who lost his wife about 4 months ago. He took good care of her for years. When I asked a friend how he was, she said he's had a girlfriend for 2 or more months!!!!! She was a family friend. Now I'm no math genius but I know that means he didn't even wait 2 months!!!! If he is happy, so be it. Everyone is different. Maybe he feels he was not able to do anything but go to work while she was sick for so long so he's going to enjoy what time HE has left. I just know I couldn't do that but if others can then more power to them. I'm sure there a lot of people "talking" but the man is in his early 70's. Let him live his life. If you want the comfort and friendship then you will be able to work out your feelings. ESPECIALLY if you feel that bond. Good luck and God Bless all.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Morey on June 19, 2010 at 3:56pm

I lost my husband 7 months ago, and I feel exactly the same way. I was married for 25 years and thats all I knew.I want to move forward, but can't. I really don't know what to do neither

Permalink Reply by judy on June 19, 2010 at 11:52pm

Yaca, my thoughts are with you this month. You do have strength and you are moving forward and that is great but I know it will always be a part of your life that you wish didn't happen. I felt that way about my son's death, though it took a long time. I still miss him but my husband and I eventually found a new normal and we were happy again though for the first several years I thought that was impossible. My challenge now is to see if recovery is possible after 47 years of marriage and to see what the future holds. I guess to place it in the hands of God and see what he wants for my life. I will be thinking of you on the 29th.

Yaca Attwood said:

Dear Anita,

I do not think you need to feel guilty and/or bad about going on the date OR your reaction to it. I think you needed to do BOTH, so _you_ will know when _you_ are ready (if ever) to date again.

You feel ambivalent - you don't want the long silences, the empty bed, the empty house. You see the eHarmony.com commercials (which I find Personally Annoying At Times (ha)), you see the couples in the restaurants, walking their dogs, with their children - and your heart aches to have someone (ideally, Malcolm, but you know you cannot) next to you.

Yet you do not want to forget Malcolm ..... and you feel you might be "untrue" to his memory if you start to think of life without him and life beyond him.

I think you are (a) wonderful (b) not awful; I think _you_ will know the time when you want to move on, to open your heart to love, again.

It has been nearly a year since Byron died on 29 June 2009; I miss him terribly, but I long for someone to come home to, someone to be able to say: "Can you believe what these people wanted me to do today; the Thirteenth Amendment Prohibits Slavery In These United States And I've Been Free For A Couple Of Hundred Years!) DISCLOSURE: 1. I am a Database Administrator (Oracle/SQL Server/some DB2) 2. I are a black woman (and yes, I said it (ha))

I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).

(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!! (a special "shout-out" to the fine gentlemen of Chino Valley Fire!)

And I'm pretty sure that Byron would want me to eventually find someone else, being (relatively) young...but NO ONE will ever take the place of my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus, and I will ALWAYS love him!


Peace, blessing and healing be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on June 21, 2010 at 8:03pm

Hi Anita,
It has been just a couple of weeks over 3 years now and I find myself in the same position (Yes, Still. I was with my Rose "Bubs") for 32 years.

In my thinking you can have many companions, lovers, spouses, etc, but you only have one "true" soulmate in your lifetime. No one will ever take the place of YOUR soulmate and don't ever expect that anybody will.

I am one to give advice as I have approached one woman to go out to dinner since my Babe passed into Gods hands and I am a recluse and don't go out so even asking almost gave me an anxiety attack. She was not ready as she had just gotten out of a very messy divorce but I have known her for more than 20 years. I thanked my lucky stars and God above that she didn't want to go.


My feelings are if it happens then it happens but just try to enjoy it if you can but never ever expect another person to fill your soulmates shoes. I think my wife would want me to go out and maybe I will one day. I will never get remarried though and the other person will have to know that if it lasts for any amount of time.

I made a solemn promise to my wife and soulmate that I would be buried right next to her and a marriage could prevent our wishes from being carried out.

I would try to go out again but 8 months is a relatively short amount of time at least for me. Give yourself some time to heal. I know the feeling about not being held, snuggle, laugh, just hold hands. That is what flipped out the woman I asked out to dinner was to go to dinner and just hold hands. My feelings need to be nurtured like anyones and holding hands is just one of the things (hugs, kisses, sitting next to each other, just feeling their warmth) I would like to do but I am easily discouraged so I think I'll have to do like you and just stay home. To be honest I really don't know whether I could really do it as it was traumatic enough just inviting, and a relief when she was not ready.

One day their will be someone in your life unexpectedly and almost too quick to think twice about it. They may not be your soulmate but your life will move forward again.

God bless,
Fred Dunn

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