Do you feel invisible?

Four months of weeks, of days and hours. When will this pain end, or will it ever. Don't they know how much I still hurt, how much I want and need my husband back. I feel like I am invisible. My children still call on occasion but they have their lives and families. My friends, don't call as often. They ask how I am, no different than I would ask them how they are. It's as if, I should be beyond the grieving and getting on with my life. I sit here by myself. We had just retired and were going to enjoy ourselves, oh how wrong our thinking was on that one. I am only 64 years old and I have no more hope of any future, no happiness. I've been widowed twice, I cannot bear to do this again. I only want to go with my husband, to see his eyes light up when I walk in the room, to hold his hand again as we walk down the street, to sit for hours together because we liked each others company. But the future only holds long lonely days. I feel so invisible, as everyone else goes about their lives. I know you all feel the same. That is one thing about this site, you soon learn your feeling mirror others. I don't expect to be happy again, I just want to be ok.

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 22, 2010 at 10:36pm

I know I might as well be invisible. Unfortunately I have that body shell. There is nothing inside of it though. I became empty inside when my wife died. The sadness, lonliness, and emptyness still prevails. I am 67 and was a one woman guy for over 44 years. No friends and a recluse now. No hope for me either. Guess I am out to pasture. Wow,what a change huh? Hug to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 23, 2010 at 7:35am

I too feel like this.After 44 years of marriage,all of "our" friends have pretty well dropped me.But I've taken to revenge.I'll call them,watch them squirm a little and invite them over.Some come and some don't.Oh well,what do I have to lose!I've already had the worst day of my life,so I don't care.I'm pretty much house bound due to being my mother's caregiver.Just tired of being lonely.Still waiting for that white work truck to drive home,as I sit at the computer.Knowing it will never happen.Learning to put myself out there.It's so hard when we never had to think like this before.Our future has been stolen.So we must take control and Plan our own future without our mates.That was not the plan.I,too,am looking for being O.K.

Permalink Reply by sharon on June 23, 2010 at 8:13am

Dear Mary, I do so know how bad you feel, I myself enjoyed the same with my husband. We could set in a chair for hours just talking, didn't matter about what. We enjoyed each other's company. He was my life, we were married just 3 months short of 45 years. We was my best friend. I have 4 grown children who grieve for their dad but as you say, they have their lives and it is full. I myself now live alone, something I've never done or thought I could. I miss him everyday, almost every minute. I wonder if this ever stops? I doubt it. He has been gone now for 5 and 1/2 months. It seems like only yesterday I looked into those beautiful hazel eyes of his. I am 66 years old, I knew I'd be with him forever and I still believe that. He is just on the other side waiting for me. I know we will be together again. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, God bless, Sharon

Permalink Reply by Joan on June 23, 2010 at 8:20am

Mary D, I know exactly what you're talking about. I live in a small town but that doesn't make any difference. I was grocery shopping and an acquaintance (I am actually in a club with her) yelled at me and asked how I was doing. I just said doing ok - how are you? Not that I would have told her in the grocery store how I was really feeling. I have a very, very close friend - since grade school - who has been staying away from me. She lives in another town but we have always been able to talk to each other about our fears, etc. We went through divorces around the same time and helped each other through that. Now, she's not there for me and that really hurts. Maybe it's the fact that Jim has only been gone a little over two months. Maybe I'm just letting everything get to me too much. Nobody really wants to listen to me anymore. I guess they think I should be over this by now.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on June 23, 2010 at 8:35am

Invisible...that is exactly how I feel too. A forgotten part of society. It is too hard to be around us so they don't even try, and don't you dare bring up their name that is when they really squirm. When someone asks me "How are you?", I reply "Ok". I really am not but what else is there to say, they really don't get it. I never say I am good or fine, I am not those things anymore. They don't want to really know anyway.
This past weekend was our 39th anniversary and of course father's day. I had a major meltdown and cried for 2 days. I still find it hard to accept that he will never be here again. Yup, when is that red truck going to arrive in the yard. I know exactly what you mean Kathleen. I still have the first anniversary of his passing (can't say the d word) on August 9. I can't believe it has been almost a year since that awful day.
I am so glad I have found this site. It brings me comfort to know that I am not the only one with these feelings and that I am not alone out there. Together we can make it.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on June 23, 2010 at 2:29pm

Mary, I feel the same that people go about their lives and I sit here and grieve for my Baby sitting like you as everything still turns. I am angry that the world does not miss my Baby while still the world turns but I can not turn. Mary 69 is still to young to stop living. At this point I am really clingy with my children suddenly and friends who try to remember how and what my husband was about is living to the fullest. So I get my children or friends together anything else seems to much for me. I wish that somehow we all could support each other so we can have chat days as theraphies and go on little outings so we can feel more at ease with our lives and not feel so lonley.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 23, 2010 at 3:34pm

What do think would happen if we responded truthfully to "How are you?"What if we said"sad and lonely,I miss my husband every minute of every day".Would we see a little squirming and make people uncomfortable.So what!I'm just tired of making other people comfortable,What about my feelings?

Permalink Reply by Basia on June 23, 2010 at 3:41pm

All those people that said "call if you need anything " .
They do not bother with us . I guess we make them feel bad and uncomfortable. Now, looking back I think they came to the funeral to gawk at us all.

Permalink Reply by Connie H. on June 23, 2010 at 5:33pm

I think I dread that question more than any! People don't really want me to answer that HONESTLY! It would frighten them! It frightens me sometimes! When I am alone and don't have to wear the mask I seem to have had to wear since Sept.5,2009, when my whole world fell apart, this is how I really feel.... Never ending tears, longing to not be in this nightmare. Longing to have my Phill hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay and on and on and on...
Noone will ever understand until they are where we all are and as I have said before..I would not wish this agony on anyone. All too soon everyone will feel it at sometime in life. Hugs to everyone and Bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 23, 2010 at 6:44pm

I think when someone asks "how are you" we should tell them exactly how we are. Then, maybe, only people who are really interested in knowing would ask. I might as well be invisible because so many people don't even know that I exist any more. I am very fortunate to have a very close friend who does honestly care and is always here for me. We have been friends for over 35 years and our husbands were more like brothers than friends. She lost her husband 11 years ago. I am ashamed to say that I had no idea how she was feeling or what it was like for her. Other than that, no one really cares. People who used to just stop by for coffee, now never come by. I guess that's just the way life is. At this point, all I have to look forward to is being reunited with my husband again.

Permalink Reply by Mary on June 23, 2010 at 9:08pm

Thank you all for your responses to my question. After I started this last night and then was off to bed, I thought, what if no one says anything to this. I would truly be invisible. So again thanks for validating my feelimgs and helping me to know I'm not the only one, feeling this way. I agree when we are asked how we feel we should be honest. What i'd like to say is "Do you really want to know or do you want the short answer?"

Caroline, I had to smile when you said you were writing about you and Joe. And you bet I had a quite a story about my husband. That is for another day, but I will say this much. Long before the internet, and e-harmony were "the" thing to do---Jim put an ad in our local paper looking for someone not afraid of commitment. He had about given up on that idea, and I had never answered an ad like that, but I did this time. Three weeks later we were engaged and three months later we were married, and as they say---the rest is history. How I was so lucky to meet that wonderful man, only God knows. How I miss him and long to be with him again. I thank God for him everyday, just wish he had given us more time together, but someday.

I am glad to have found this site. I have been coming back to it for some time but don't comment very often. Many of your names are familar from your posts and I feel like we are all family. We each have a terrible life event in common, but the kindness shown is evident. Bless you all. Mary

Permalink Reply by brandy on June 24, 2010 at 9:22am

I do know I feel the same way,it's as if only we are here going thur this pain,loneness.the people we knew just go on ,the world revolves around them & we stand still in the middle.
When the phone rings the little it does it's for donations,or a sales person.

i don't think twice when I pick up the phone cause I know it's not any who cares or know me,so we are invisible.
The days just seem so long & can't tell one from the other,& guess life & we are so dull it does not matter.
I ask is some one there ,what is it I'm to do ,why am I here?I wonder each day & sometimes more.
I know we are all going thur this but only we know how lonely it is ,people think we want to be alone,they just don't get it, we need human contact,a touch,ahug & words of encouragement more now,then when it happened ,at that time we were numb,now we hurt.
I do hope that with each others words we can get thur the pain cause other then that I feel there is no one out there to care.