I have read some really interesting messages written by people who sound like they know exactly how I feel. I lost my husband on Feb. 26th and feel like I am living in a horrible nightmare. He was my best friend, and my soul mate. We were together almost 13 years and I thought we would be together alot longer. He was diagnoised with stage 4 cancer in Nov. and lasted about three months. Towards the end it got really bad. It was a real eye opening experience for me and I cant seem to get it out of my mind. I am thankful he didnt linger on and suffer for long but I miss him so very much. The pain of loosing a loved one and all the loneliness it entails is horrible. We didnt have alot of friends, just mainly had each other. We both have a very small family, so their isnt alot of family support either. I too wonder if I will ever feel normal again because right now I feel like I am not really living I am only existing.I am glad to know their are others out their that sound like they are feeling just like me and that makes me feel like I am not so alone. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because of the way I am feeling.

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Cindy, Please accept my sincere sympathy on the loss of your husband. Cindy, I had my husband much longer, we were married 46 years in October and he passed in November. Even though I had him much longer, I was not ready to let him go. I wait for the day when he and I are reunited again. Until then I will just go on day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. Life is so unfair sometimes. This website is an excellent place to read posts and know that what you are experiencing is very normal and there are many others feeling the same and there is always someone to listen and help you. May God Bless you.
Hello Tom, Glad to meet you. I dont know about you, but I was astounded by how brutul cancer can be. I luckily never really have been around anyone that ever had cancer. Like I said before it was a real eye opening experience for me. My husband didnt even have any signs of anything at all until one day he woke up with double vision. At that point he went to his family dr. and the dr. ordered a mri and a ct. Results came back showing two tumors on the brain. One was on the brain stem. I have learned that is the worse place you can have a tumor. It controls everything. Dr. could tell by looking at the mri and ct that the tumors on the brain had metastized from some other location. So further testing took place and found out the cancer had started in the lung. By the time cancer has metastized it is usually a stage 4 and not very good news. We were told if he had treatment he could last for 10 months, but even though he did take 12 radiation treatments and 1 chemo treatment, I truly believe it didnt help. He went very quickly like I said. He really believed he would beat it, or at least was putting up a good front for my sake. He really felt so bad because he didnt want to leave me alone. I think he knew I wouldnt do too well being without him.I am glad I have found this chat room because I am hoping it will help me not to feel so alone. I dont have a computer at home, so I use my computer at work. I found this site while looking at the obits from our local paper.By the way, that is a beautiful picture of Loni.Well need to sign off now, it is time for me to clock out for the night.
Cindy I am very sorry for your loss. My husband left me on December 23, 2009. It was very sudden, totally unexpected. He has silent heart attack and never did get a chance to call for help. I have 3 boys 15, 23 & 24. We were married for 29 years. We all have lost somebody and are all suffering in the same boat. Read anybody's post it would feel like somebody is wording your sentiment. Give yourself time. Yours in pain...
Tom, Loni is so beautiful. She sounds so funny and nice.

Tom said:

Hello Cindy, My name is Tom.
My wife Loni was in stage four also and was told she had beaten her cancer and was cancer free. Then two months later she died. It had come back and was in her upper spine and terminal. 9 days in the hospital and she was unconscious all but one day. The third day Loni woke back up and was clear minded, but couldn't talk. Loni took my hand and put it to her mouth like she was going to kiss me. Instead she put my finger in her mouth and bit me hard, then smiled at me. That made me laugh, because I knew what she ment. Loni was telling me she loved me the way she knew I would understand. We have 11 cats and all of them would bite Loni's finger to show their affection. I kissed Loni when I had to go home and that was the last time Loni was awake. Later that night Loni went unconsious again and never woke back up. Loni's end was terrible also. I don't think about that, I remember Loni biting my finger instead.
Loni's picture;
CINDY POWELL said:
Hello Tom, Glad to meet you. I dont know about you, but I was astounded by how brutul cancer can be. I luckily never really have been around anyone that ever had cancer. Like I said before it was a real eye opening experience for me. My husband didnt even have any signs of anything at all until one day he woke up with double vision. At that point he went to his family dr. and the dr. ordered a mri and a ct. Results came back showing two tumors on the brain. One was on the brain stem. I have learned that is the worse place you can have a tumor. It controls everything. Dr. could tell by looking at the mri and ct that the tumors on the brain had metastized from some other location. So further testing took place and found out the cancer had started in the lung. By the time cancer has metastized it is usually a stage 4 and not very good news. We were told if he had treatment he could last for 10 months, but even though he did take 12 radiation treatments and 1 chemo treatment, I truly believe it didnt help. He went very quickly like I said. He really believed he would beat it, or at least was putting up a good front for my sake. He really felt so bad because he didnt want to leave me alone. I think he knew I wouldnt do too well being without him.I am glad I have found this chat room because I am hoping it will help me not to feel so alone. I dont have a computer at home, so I use my computer at work. I found this site while looking at the obits from our local paper.By the way, that is a beautiful picture of Loni.Well need to sign off now, it is time for me to clock out for the night.
You are not going crazy, if anything you are going normal. We are normal people dealing with abnormal amounts of pain. It will have been five months for me on Sat. and the pain is still really, really bad. I know that it will ease in time but don't know when that time will be. You also went through the dreadful experience before the death of watching him suffer. My husband died suddenly with a heart attack, the shock was awful but I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer. There is no easy way to lose a mate. My prayers are with you.
Dear Cindy,

My Douglas died July 17, 2009. He was my best friend, soul mate, spouse and hero. We were together 31 years, and married 26 years one week before he died. This Monday is his 63rd birthday. The pain we are all feeling is very real but necessary for us to heal. Grief is horrendous, unceasing and cruel but is is normal and as a widow/widower we all travel the same road. I spent the first 6 or 7 months wondering was was to become of me, what was I do do, what was left in life for me? I went back to work 2 weeks after his death and while that occupied my days it did not offer any escape from my misery. The zest I once had for my work was gone. I would come home every night to an empty house -- thank goodness for my dog. He has been so helpful to me. And I have to add that at times I became so overwhelmed by lonliness and the tears would just come upon me and flow freely down my face. I thought I would never recover from the loss of my dear sweet husband.

However, it will be a year in a few weeks and what I have discovered is this. I still experience lonliness but it isn't as agonizing as it was a year ago. My life is better -- it isn't the same, but it is good and getting better each day. I still have many tears but they are more gentle now. I am going back to school for my master degree, something Douglas always encouraged me to do. Due to his illness I put that on the back burner because he needed me to care for him. I have no regrets! I loved him so very much and still do/always will. I am looking toward the future instead of looking backward. What I am finding out is this: there is a future for me. I am beginning to get on with life (like Douglas would want). And the best part is this. Whenever I think of Douglas I smile more. He left me a beautiful legacy of happy memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Douglas was the best thing that happened to me. I will always love him and I thank him every day for teaching me so much about so many things. It would be a dishonor to him not to move forward and continue with his teachings to our granddaughters. His brilliant wit, intellect, and devotion to a peaceful existence made him a role model for those close to him as well as those who never knew him. He will always be rememberd as a kind-hearted, gentle spirit with a contagious sense of humor and a passion for social equity and justice. I will continue to carry that torch of passion for him. And he can be best remembered for his striking blue eyes and the alluring sparkle in them that revealed the depth of his soul.

Do I sill come home to an empty house? The one thing missing is Douglas but my home is no longer empty. It is filled with beautiful memories of Douglas, our friendship, our family and 26 years of marriage. That is what keeps me going. His spirit keeps me moving forward. He is with me in heart and soul. And one day you will wake up and just "know" that now is the time to smile again and find your "new" normal. I wish all of you peace and love. Thank you so much for your support and guidance. It helped me on so many levels. I am still here and I feel what you feel. We will all be okay!!

Hugs,

brigitte
I always admire your great sense of humor, Tom. Glad to hear you are doing better.

Brigitte

Tom said:
Loni was so intelligent, religious, and beautiful inside and out.
To watch Loni laugh was beautiful also. I did my best to make Loni laugh every day just to watch her. I would sing silly songs in the morning to all of our cats and hear Loni laughing in the bedroom. Loni was nothing but elegant and Loving.
Loni gave a speach to our board of supervisers in our home town about rent control and got a standing ovation by all there, including the board of supervisers.
Then they voted against what Loni had spoke about anyway. Even after they said how elegant she was. They are now being sued for not even reading any of the material brought before them and voting the way they did.
Loni's mother, and my mother were from Chicago, and lived less than a mile from each other. They even had the same last maiden name. Loni was born in Chicago and grew up there, and knew where my mother went to high school. Her mother went to the same high school. When we went to get our marriage licence and wrote our mothers maiden names we got a funny look from the clerk. I wanted to tell them we were kissing cousins!
Brigitte,That was so well put.written beautifully!Thank you,I'm getting closer to that place myself.It makes me feel less guilty about feeling O.K.and smiling again.
Brigitte.
Your last statement---We will all be ok. That is what I am striving for, to be ok. I don't expect to be happy again. LIfe has been hard, I have buried a child and two husbands. This time has been so hard because as I have gotten older the future isn't very rosy now. Yet, I am still only 64 years old. I am stronger now but wiser, I have picked myself up and will continue to push on, one day at a time. In the hope of the promised reunion with our loved ones as we have been promised. And in that hope we "will all be ok".
Bless you all, Mary
Cindy I can imagine your pain. My Baby was diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 in May on my birthday and he done well until Dr refused treatment and he pas.... This October we would have had our 16 anniversary this year and like you I did we could make it to our 50 anniversary. We had so called friends but at the end we knew the real sticker from the fake. I am so glad they are gone, anyways when something happens everthing. My husband was fine with the treatment itself but when he could not take is radiotheraphy and then he got mets at his bone which got controlled with radio again. After that the Dr told us that in their books there was not much to treat him anymore but what made difficult that he wanted to fight and they kicked him and abused him by telling him he will die although he was okay, walking talking and doing things but they did not care. He was just a statistic.
I am so angry and lost without him forever. This symptom or illness CANCER is still there leaving me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
cancer is horrible. it completely took hold of my husband and took him within three months. apparently the 12 radiation treatments they gave him to his tumors on the brain didnt even work. bless his heart he didnt want to die. he tried to stay positive to the bitter end. i know he was doing it for himself as well as me. i just wish he would have had some kind of symtoms when he was in the early stages so maybe he could have been cured.he was a really good person and i know that God took him quickly so he wouldnt have to suffer for long.it has all been a total nightmare and i still keep replaying it over and over in my head.i am so sorry for your situation. i am sure you were very upset to be told their wasnt any more treatment for your husband sounds like he also really wanted to live.i kept telling the dr. my husband never had any signs and the dr. said thats why they call cancer the silent killer.were you and your husband in shock to find out he had cancer?

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