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Permalink Reply by Connie H. on June 28, 2010 at 7:21pm

Thinking back to conversations I have had over the years with people who have lost loved ones, I remember all voicing regrets of one sort or another. I think we all have them. I have always heard that once you pass all negativity is gone. No more tears, fears, sadness, hate, anger, envy, none of the negative emotions or feelings the living have. I hope this is true. There are many things I would have done or said differently , but for the most part I believe both Phill and I shared a love so deep that we overlooked all those imperfections in one another. The "coulda, woulda, shoulda" still brings a lot of pain, but there is nothing we can do now. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind if you are familiar with it.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 28, 2010 at 9:18pm

Connie's right.Regrets will eat you alive.I have no regrets,our loved ones loved us as we are.Life is a learning experience,we learn from our mistakes and move on.You can't dwell on things you can't change.Just like connie said the Serentity prayer says it all!

Permalink Reply by judy on June 29, 2010 at 12:06am

Pippa, thank you so much for remembering me on the 5 month anniversary. That day was not so bad, the next day was hell. It seems to work that way for me. Always has.
I think Suzanne is right, the person we love has moved to a plain where they can see the love we have for them, flawed love to be sure, because as human beings we are all flawed. But if it had been the reverse and Liza was the one left here and you had died would you want her to fill guilt over the things she did or didn't do or would you want her to simply know that your love was bigger and more important than the human imperfections. I felt survivor guilt after my son died and also that as a parent I should have been able to keep him alive. With Tim I was tempted to feel that I didn't tell him always how great he was, that I didn't praise his artistic work enough but I believe he knows now how I feel about him even more than he did when he was on this plain, where I wish he still was. There is no perfect human relationship and if you had died and Liza was the one left would you want her to burden herself with recriminations? I think you would just want her to know that you still loved her and that you appreciated her love for you.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 29, 2010 at 12:22am

I think there is always some guilt, whether justified or unjustified. I know that I went through and am still going through the what if's, maybe if, and just feeling as though there was something that I could have done to save him. I was sure that he would recover as he always had in the past. Maybe transferring him to a different hospital would have helped. Why did I not stay with him at the hospital? It does not satisfy me to tell myself that I had no idea that his condition was so critical that he would pass away before morning. Maybe I should have known that much. The only thing that I can be sure of right now is that I love that man so very much and will never stop loving him. I will not let death change my feelings for him. I still consider myself married to him and still wear my wedding ring. That I am sure will not change. But if we all burden ourselves with the guilt for things that we did or didn't do because we didn't know what was going to happen, we will loose our minds. If we knew what God had in store for each of us and our loved ones, maybe life would be different. But we don't know and maybe it is better that way.