It's been 6 months today since my husband has passed. I recently have started crying again as if it were yesterday. Because my heart is in a million pieces it cannot be put back together and I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to. When others tell me, "Oh you're new to this, it will take time" I have to cringe. In some small ways I know things are different because I know in my head and my heart he is really gone, but that's what makes it so difficult for me. I don't want him to be gone, I don't want him to be a memory, I don't want to be by myself, I want to see him, I want him to see me. I said this before and I need to repeat that I have no joy in my life because he is not here with me, and I despise the filtering sunshine as it tries to creep through my shades that are always drawn, and I loathe the chirping birds and try as I might I can't get out of my head swimming at the beach with husband or listening to his bellowing laughter and talking with him and now we'll never watch our children, our grandchildren and our only 6 month old granddaugher grow older and it breaks my heart to see her older brother smile at her and show affection and run and play. When my husband died, my spirit died with him, things will never be the same and only by my Faith and all of you here and support groups can I move from one day to the next. I just wait for God to call me and I feel like I am the saddest person in the world, but I know that I am not because I know you all understand.
God bless all of you here,
Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Linda said:
It's been 13 months since my husband died. He was only 56 - too young. I'm having a hard time learning to live alone after 35 years together. I'm trying but there's no happiness yet in my life.
Linda said:
It's been 13 months since my husband died. He was only 56 - too young. I'm having a hard time learning to live alone after 35 years together. I'm trying but there's no happiness yet in my life.
Suzanne,

My husband of 18 years just passed away from Cancer June 1 2010 and I truely understand how you feel about waiting for god to call you because everyday I ask him to take me. I am only 40 year old and cannot even imagine living another 40+ years without my husband and best friend. I push myself every day to get out of bed and go on living but I am having such a difficult time. I don't know how to live without him. I wish god would have taken me instead. I know that may sound selfish, but the pain is just so unbearable and it never seems to get any better. I am glad my husband is no longer suffering, but at the same time I am so mad at god for taking him from me and our son. I just feel so dead and empty inside and do not know what to do with myself. I put on a fake smile and tell people I am doing ok, but I'm really not. I cry all the time when I am alone which is most of the time. How is someone suppose to go on living after God takes a apart of them. Part of me is dead inside and always will be.

Kim
Dear Kim,
Because Danny is gone I too feel the unbearable pain each day I wake and every night when I go to sleep and during the day there is a daily emotional roller coaster of crying spells, days of feeling indifferent, anger, anxiety, stress, guilt, fear and more crying and also peace sometimes but that's just me. With every post or comment I have ever made I stand by because this is how I truly feel. My heart is in a million pieces, I have 2 adult sons and they have family's that I know would be heartbroken for me when my time comes but would carry on somehow because they have their own lives to live. But I also know deep down that there is some purpose for me here, even though I know I cannot feel "happy" again in this lifetime. What my purpose is I'm not sure, but if I went first, I know it seems kind of insensitive to say, but the funeral arrangements for the both of us wouldn't have taken place. Everything seemed to fit into place. The double plots, the double gravestone, even the coffin would have been a cardboard box (I'm serious) and if I passed away first, their would be no family get together after the wake because his sisters took care of that for their brother when I asked, which I wouldn't have asked them if not for his oldest sister, and his family was all around him in the early hours when he passed away on January 22, 2010 because I was the one who called each of them, and I was also his caregiver. Our sons will have to take care of my final preparations but at least, I figure I get to write down what needs and wants I have yet to be fulfilled. These are really minor compared to what I think God really needs me here for. These are my own thoughts, I'm not saying to anyone else why or how God works for them. Knowing that my husband isn't in pain anymore and that he doesn't have to go through with what I'm going through should I have passed first, relieves me of some emotional anguish. But my feelings are still there, I understand completely how you feel and I am so sorry you are going through this. I am fortunate, there are no little children or teens to take care of, so it must be so difficult for you. I don't have to work, maybe it can be a good thing for some people to have a reason to continue to keep going to have obligations and children. I really do know I must wait for God to call me on His time. But I have the ability to stay in if I don't have appointments and cry and weep and analyze and watch "safe" TV and go on the PC on grief sites. This is the only place, ...the only place...that others understand me. My own siblings are having major issues. The eldest brother of my other 6 brothers and sisters is dieing of liver cancer and is so angry he refused one of my sisters to be at his funeral. She is very distraught but for some strange reason, even after having been hysterical after trying to ask my brother to consider forgiveness I seem to be oblivious to other stresses that are going on but I feel compassion for others so I pray for all of them in my daily prayers. My husbands family are really very good to me, they love me as their own, as they loved their brother and I think of them as my own sisters and loved ones. But they just don't have a clue what I go through and that I am utterly depressed, with these dark brooding thoughts looming over my head. Also I pray for everything I'm grateful for every single day. I just wanted to tell you that it helps me so much to vent my anger and dark thoughts and I have been really helped by turning everything over to God. My Faith and understanding people are what's saving me to get from day to day. I will remember you in my prayers and hope somehow you have peace. I have been advised to be kind to myself, as who else can be so deserving of kindness but ourselves. Please take care.
God bless,
Suzanne

Kim Sobkowich said:
Suzanne,

My husband of 18 years just passed away from Cancer June 1 2010 and I truely understand how you feel about waiting for god to call you because everyday I ask him to take me. I am only 40 year old and cannot even imagine living another 40+ years without my husband and best friend. I push myself every day to get out of bed and go on living but I am having such a difficult time. I don't know how to live without him. I wish god would have taken me instead. I know that may sound selfish, but the pain is just so unbearable and it never seems to get any better. I am glad my husband is no longer suffering, but at the same time I am so mad at god for taking him from me and our son. I just feel so dead and empty inside and do not know what to do with myself. I put on a fake smile and tell people I am doing ok, but I'm really not. I cry all the time when I am alone which is most of the time. How is someone suppose to go on living after God takes a apart of them. Part of me is dead inside and always will be.

Kim
Suzanne, I am hurting for you also as I feel the same way. It's been 11 months, will be a year on August 5th since Brad left to go to heaven. It was way too soon and too sudden. I know what you mean that your spirit died with him, I am not, and never will be again the same person as I was before that day. It's like someone just took a knife and cut me in half. I exist day to day but that's all I do is exist. I try to make Brad proud of me, he always wanted me to know how to do everything around the house and work on the cars since the day we met. He would always say, "just in case". Well, 15 yrs later came the "just in case". I'm thankful that he taught me so much, but I don't have the drive to do anything, it was always the two of us doing things together and now there's nothing. The only thing that gets me through and pushes me to go on each day is the fact that Brad never wanted me to be sad and never give up on anything. I want to make him proud of me, but I am looking forward to the day when he greets me with a big hug and we never have to be apart again. Good luck to you and hope this made a little sense to you. Love You!
Barb
Suzanne, I guess we all feel the same. This past six months have been beyond dreadful. Also things keep happening, a car ran into me about four weeks ago, I ran into a car this week, the tree in the front yard split and fell on my roof, plumbing backed up and had to have people out to fix it. I keep thinking it would be easier if I could just sit down and concentrate on the pain and didn't have to keep fooling with stuff. Happily both accidents were fender benders and no one was hurt but I felt dreadful about running into someone else's car. I think we would all like to go and join our mates and I would get to see my son also but than I think my daughters and grandchildren shouldn't have to go through loosing a parent or grandparent again so soon. And I know I will go when God gets ready for me but having to live without Tim is totally dreadful and I know you all feel the same about your mates. We shared everything and I am sort of beginning to wish we hadn't. I am, however, grateful he is not having to go through this. Thinking of you all.
Dear Kim,
I am 48, and my husband died March 16 of this year. Yes, it is unbelievably painful and hard Yes, there are days when I feel that I cannot make it without him. What gives me the strength to keep moving ( and sometimes its minute to minute) is looking at those that have survived the loss and have allowed themselves to keep on living despite the pain. I look at them for inspiration and encouragement. There are days when I feel like it's no use,or the tears won't stop, or the simplest thing throws me into a tornado of emotions...But the storm always lets up, and I can walk on dry land for a bit. It is hard, Grief is work,,,,but we have to do it...Just please ,if you can , even if you don't believe it right now, know that one day, you will be able to live with the loss,and have a life .If you feel that's not possible right now, it's because it's not time for it to be that way. "Be easy with yourself",that's what one of my friends says to me when I feel like I'm not gonna make it. I miss my husband terribly. He and I were best friends, and I think of him every moment of the day. So many emotions. I've had thoughts and feelings I didn't even think were possible.Plant the seed of hope, let your tears water the seed. It will one day grow into something new and wonderful , when its ready . Kim, be easy with yourself. It's hard, I know, but I just keep planting seeds for the future, because one day I will fill my life with something other than the pain of loss.

Love
Debbie

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