Am I there yet?

I just feel like I want to sleep for the remaining time I have here in this life. I take my medications and I just don't want to feel the pain, I want to be numb and lately I have to push myself to get out to do my errands. Just let me sleep my life away. Yet, I know there are things I have to do. Everyone is in so much sorrow. I remember you all in my daily prayers. Lately I don't even want to get out of bed, but I make myself. Why can't I just live out my days asleep that I don't have to remember that Danny is gone out of my life. I think when my cable runs out that my sister-in-law was paying for which just happens to be on the day my husband was born on September 16 I'll just turn off the TV and not watch anything because nothing is the same anymore. The same old jokes that make me laugh also make me cry because I laugh alone, the world is in a mess, whether I watch the news or not, the bad things that happen, will still happen. I don't enjoy eating, and the beautiful parts of the world like the flowers, rainbows and waterfalls leave me cold, I'd rather relish the beauty in the next life where God is in His Heaven which is where I desire to be. My plan is to just get rid of everything I don't use or need and let those who will be taking care of things after I die just do the rest themselves. I wanted to spare them but they are very busy with their children and their own lives and I really understand that but when the time comes they will have to make time. There are still medicines that Danny never ended up taking that I have to get rid of, but I'm leaving his personal things and clothes right where they are. My goal is to clean out my place where I live for something to do and I wish I could just not feel anything but just exist, because that's all I'm doing right now anyway. Missing him is just squeezing the life right out of me. I hope you are all doing better somehow. I feel your pain, each and every one of you. What makes me think I can do this for years, but somehow God is getting me from day to day and I believe He placed you all in my life. At least I have somewhere to go as no one I know in my family or friends, even though I know in my heart that they have love for me, they have no clue, but all of you do, and I am grateful for you all. Thank you for letting me share and understanding me.

God bless and hugs,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 17, 2010 at 7:36pm

SUZANNE,
I TRUELY AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE IN SO MUCH PAIN. I WISH THEIR WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO OR SAY TO YOU. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU. I ALSO DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. I TOO, HAVE PROBLEMS GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. I AM ONLY AT PEACE WHEN I AM ABLE TO SLEEP, THEN I WISH I WOULD JUST STAY ASLEEP. IF IT WERENT FOR MY FULLTIME JOB, I PROBABLY WOULD NEVER GET OUT OF BED. I DONT ENJOY ANYTHING ANYMORE. I AM SO JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES THAT I SEE AROUND ME. I AM SO ANGRY THAT I LOST THE BEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE EVER HAD. IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR. I AM ALSO VERY SCARED OF BEING LEFT ALONE AND WHAT AM I TO DO WHEN MY HEALTH STARTS TO FAIL? I STILL HAVE ALL MY HUSBANDS THINGS, JUST THE WAY THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GET RID OF THEM. HOWEVER I DONT HAVE MOTIVATION FOR ANYTHING. I USED TO EXERCISE EVERY DAY NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS PART OF MY DAY. NOW I DO WELL TO GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK. I REALLY USED TO LOVE LIFE.NOT AS MUCH AS MY HUSBAND BUT I COULD ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW GOD COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS A STRONG ENOUGH PERSON TO BE LEFT HERE WITHOUT ROGER.THEY SAY EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, WELL I CANT IMAGINE THE REASON FOR THIS. LET ME SAY, I AM SO SORRY THAT I CANT BE MORE POSITIVE FOR YOU SUZANNE, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO PRETEND THAT I AM OK WHEN I AM NOT. IF I CANT BE HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT HOW I FEEL, THEN I DONT NEED TO BE ON THIS SITE. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOU SUZANNE.GOD BLESS YOU.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 17, 2010 at 7:46pm

Suzanne, my story can be word for word with your story. I did organize LouAnn's things somewhat. I WON'T throw anything of her away. She has notes written everywhere about new book authors to check out. All kinds of recipes. Her schedule for doing the Thanksgiving meal in time frame order. List of what we need on our trip to the Mayo Clinic for my evaluations every couple of years. Her pants and shirt are still on the vacuum cleaner handle next to the bed where she put them to take her nap. Her smell is gone from her shirt, I sniffed it all gone. But I still have her perfume bottles. Empty days and lonely nights. I cant do a thing to help you except be here and share. And hugs of course. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 17, 2010 at 7:47pm

Ah Suzanne,

I wish there was something I could say or do for you to make you feel better. I read what you write here and it is always so sad, and I feel so bad for you. I don't remember how long it has been since you lost your Danny, so I don't know where you are in the greiving process. Tho' the time factor is so different for each of us. I sometimes wonder if the medicaion you are on isn't the right ones for you, or maybe too strong in the wrong way. You are getting rid of some of your things, but yet still have medication of Danny's. Small steps Suzanne, throw them away. It's a start. It could bring some healing for you.

I would like to wrap my arms around you and give you strength. Know that we all care about you. Write whatever you need to, we will be here to support you. May God give you the peace and comfort you deserve and need. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by bc on August 17, 2010 at 8:57pm

Suzanne, we are all here for you and we understand exactly what you are feeling. It's been one year and 12 days since Brad went to heaven and I still have things of his where they were the day he left. That's okay, there is no timeline for grief, you do things as you want to, not what others who haven't lived this life say. I guess I'm a little different than you and some others, I don't want to stay in bed because it is where I just lay and think. Whenever I wake up, no matter what time of the night it is, I get up and start doing something. I can't sit still because it hurts too much to do that. Brad and I were always doing something. It's the nights when we would be together on the couch that I miss. When night time comes I'm lost.
I don't know how long its been for you, it doesn't matter, the hurt and lonliness is still there. I am here for you along with everyone else. I'm sending you a big hug and praying that you can feel some of the beauty around you sometimes. If you ever want to talk, call me: 414-852-3422 I'm on CST in Wisconsin. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Take care and dont lose hope, you've got memories and those are good to hold on to.
Barb

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 17, 2010 at 10:44pm

Dear Cindy,
Thank you for your prayers, it means a lot even though you are going through this too to do what you can to help me makes me feel thankful. It seems that we share the same feelings for I also do not enjoy life anymore. No one really knows how I feel and I still can't believe this is happening even though intellectually my husband's demise is a certainty I still can't help saying those words. I understand how you would like to say something but just knowing you know how I feel in which I call TED (Terminal Emotional Disorder) it does relieve the pain somewhat although I wish you didn't have to feel it too. Your words ring truth to me and I hope you feel better somehow. I think the same as you when I remember my husband saying to me that if I had a problem he would tell me I had to go to get checked and we always used to say to each other, "Take care of me so I can take care of you" and we would laugh it off as a joke and now I think of those words and it makes me sad to know we won't be able to take care of each other. I always thought we would get old together. I do the things I do each day that I did when he was still alive only out of habit, like morning stretching and saying my prayers and using the PC. I have no inclination to read novels, play games on the PC or even eat, I used to love to make certain foods together with him like Reuben sandwiches and watch TV and eat ice cream but all these thoughts are just memories now. I am so devastated that we can't joke around and be there to talk, I am stuck in neutral and totally and irrevocably depressed. After I have my small dinner of yogurt and juice and fruit I cry because I don't want to get up to put my little plastic cup back in its place. It just doesn't seem like he is supposed to be where he is and I just want to curl up and shut out the world. But, on the bright side, you and the others here are helping me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I thank you for that. You are in my prayers also.
God bless you,
Suzanne
CINDY POWELL said:

SUZANNE,
I TRUELY AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE IN SO MUCH PAIN. I WISH THEIR WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO OR SAY TO YOU. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU. I ALSO DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. I TOO, HAVE PROBLEMS GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. I AM ONLY AT PEACE WHEN I AM ABLE TO SLEEP, THEN I WISH I WOULD JUST STAY ASLEEP. IF IT WERENT FOR MY FULLTIME JOB, I PROBABLY WOULD NEVER GET OUT OF BED. I DONT ENJOY ANYTHING ANYMORE. I AM SO JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES THAT I SEE AROUND ME. I AM SO ANGRY THAT I LOST THE BEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE EVER HAD. IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR. I AM ALSO VERY SCARED OF BEING LEFT ALONE AND WHAT AM I TO DO WHEN MY HEALTH STARTS TO FAIL? I STILL HAVE ALL MY HUSBANDS THINGS, JUST THE WAY THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GET RID OF THEM. HOWEVER I DONT HAVE MOTIVATION FOR ANYTHING. I USED TO EXERCISE EVERY DAY NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS PART OF MY DAY. NOW I DO WELL TO GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK. I REALLY USED TO LOVE LIFE.NOT AS MUCH AS MY HUSBAND BUT I COULD ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW GOD COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS A STRONG ENOUGH PERSON TO BE LEFT HERE WITHOUT ROGER.THEY SAY EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, WELL I CANT IMAGINE THE REASON FOR THIS. LET ME SAY, I AM SO SORRY THAT I CANT BE MORE POSITIVE FOR YOU SUZANNE, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO PRETEND THAT I AM OK WHEN I AM NOT. IF I CANT BE HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT HOW I FEEL, THEN I DONT NEED TO BE ON THIS SITE. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOU SUZANNE.GOD BLESS YOU.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 17, 2010 at 10:57pm

Dear Randolph,
I know we share the same feelings and I am so sorry that you are going through all that you are. It doesn't seem like it's the way it should be. I think to myself sometimes, 'well, we are all going in the same direction, we all have our time to go,' and it is not my intention to hurt rather than help you but that kind of makes me keep going, I don't know why or how but it does. One of the only things that crosses my mind is that at least Danny doesn't have to go through what I'm going through now. I don't know how he would handle it. My family just has no idea, even those at the grief meetings I attend will say do something nice for yourself, take a walk, but I have no desire to take a walk in the sunshine, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, it would harm me rather than help because it reminds me of Danny and that I am not with him taking a walk. I still can't believe that he's gone, but I still do what I have to do, I feel fortunate that I don't have children that needs caring and love because I think my joy is waiting for the next life. There is no pleasure here. I am thankful to you for sharing, and I am so sorry for your pain as well. You are in my prayers.
God bless you,
Suzanne

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Suzanne, my story can be word for word with your story. I did organize LouAnn's things somewhat. I WON'T throw anything of her away. She has notes written everywhere about new book authors to check out. All kinds of recipes. Her schedule for doing the Thanksgiving meal in time frame order. List of what we need on our trip to the Mayo Clinic for my evaluations every couple of years. Her pants and shirt are still on the vacuum cleaner handle next to the bed where she put them to take her nap. Her smell is gone from her shirt, I sniffed it all gone. But I still have her perfume bottles. Empty days and lonely nights. I cant do a thing to help you except be here and share. And hugs of course. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 17, 2010 at 11:09pm

Dear Mary,
My husband passed on January 22, 2010 but in 1, 5 or 20 years it won't matter because since the fog lifted I feel like it was yesterday that I started going to bed alone and awoke alone. You are right, though, that is what I have been doing, taking small tasks at a time. I leave all his things but what is unnecessary I have already dispensed of lots of his medication and I feel like I am burying him all over again. It's so hard to part with the way our life once was, but I know you probably already know how it is. I am thankful to you for your words of comfort. The medicine that I was referring to for myself was for hyptertension, vertigo, arthritis, hypothyroidism and xanax only as needed for anxiety. I may consider an antidepressant when the time comes for my follow up in November but I don't think that will help me anyway because it won't bring Danny back. But I do thank you for your reply and your kind words. You are in my prayers and I thank you again.
God bless you,
Suzanne
Mary said:

Ah Suzanne,

I wish there was something I could say or do for you to make you feel better. I read what you write here and it is always so sad, and I feel so bad for you. I don't remember how long it has been since you lost your Danny, so I don't know where you are in the greiving process. Tho' the time factor is so different for each of us. I sometimes wonder if the medicaion you are on isn't the right ones for you, or maybe too strong in the wrong way. You are getting rid of some of your things, but yet still have medication of Danny's. Small steps Suzanne, throw them away. It's a start. It could bring some healing for you.

I would like to wrap my arms around you and give you strength. Know that we all care about you. Write whatever you need to, we will be here to support you. May God give you the peace and comfort you deserve and need. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 17, 2010 at 11:20pm

Dear Barb,
Thank you so much for listening to me and being here for me. I know you understand how I feel. Danny's prescription eyeglasses and prescription sunglasses are in the same place where he left them as well as his clothes and other items. I have been very fortunate and I do believe that God is with me because for some reason once I get to sleep, although sometimes it takes a few hours, I stay asleep and have good rest and when I finally open my eyes I remember... and he is not there so... I get up so that my thoughts won't be of Danny, but others have mentioned to me that they don't understand why I don't try to remember good memories. It is because it hurts to think of him. I dont understand why they don't understand. It's very difficult to look at pictures of him and I have plenty of his pictures on my screensaver. One thing has gotten a little better, I used to move the mouse really quickly so I didn't have to stare at Danny but now I look through my tears. It is just so hard, but I know that you understand so that's what helps me. I will remember in my prayers as well.
God bless,
Suzanne

Barb said:

Suzanne, we are all here for you and we understand exactly what you are feeling. It's been one year and 12 days since Brad went to heaven and I still have things of his where they were the day he left. That's okay, there is no timeline for grief, you do things as you want to, not what others who haven't lived this life say. I guess I'm a little different than you and some others, I don't want to stay in bed because it is where I just lay and think. Whenever I wake up, no matter what time of the night it is, I get up and start doing something. I can't sit still because it hurts too much to do that. Brad and I were always doing something. It's the nights when we would be together on the couch that I miss. When night time comes I'm lost.
I don't know how long its been for you, it doesn't matter, the hurt and lonliness is still there. I am here for you along with everyone else. I'm sending you a big hug and praying that you can feel some of the beauty around you sometimes. If you ever want to talk, call me: 414-852-3422 I'm on CST in Wisconsin. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Take care and dont lose hope, you've got memories and those are good to hold on to.
Barb

Permalink Reply by Kim on August 19, 2010 at 8:50am

Suzanne,
I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I wish I had some words of comfort but right now I feel the same way as you do. I honestly don't know how I get through each day. I went back to work Monday and I am hating every minute of it. I see a lot of customers everyday that ask me how I am doing and even though I know they are asking because they care, sometimes I want to yell...I just lost my best friend and soulmate how the hell do you think I am doing. I have broken down a few times at work in front of my customers. I don't feel I am ready to be back at work but have no choice if I want to pay my bills. Nothing is the same anymore and never will be. My life has been flipped upside down, inside out and twisted so badly. I do not know what Gods plan is for me, but I am not liking it right now. All I want to do is be with my husband. I yearn for him badly. I just want to feel his arms around me again and I know I never will. It is so hard to be all alone and even when I do go out anywhere it makes me sadder because I see all these happy couples and it makes me so jealous. It seems like everyones life has moved on but mine. Some people tell me I am young (40) and I will find love again, but that is the furthest thing from my mind. I will never love anyone the way I love my husband. (Hugs to you)

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 19, 2010 at 1:01pm

Dear Kim,
I am so sorry for your loss and the emotional pain you are going through. I wish there was something I could do to help. Knowing you and everyone understands relieves me of the daily anguish. I feel so alone but I know that I am not. I don't know how long we must go through this and I totally agree that there is only one love of my life and he has passed, there is no need for another. It is hard to believe how life turned around for me and all of us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
May you have peace somehow. (Hugs)
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 19, 2010 at 8:48pm

kim,
i just had to respond to you. you are still so very young, so i wouldnt rule out another love in your life. i know you dont want to hear that now, but it is possible. however it will be Gods timing and Gods will if it should happen. i am sorry that you are feeling as bad as you are, but i certainly understand. i hate those happy couples that i see everywhere. i never knew what that song "one is the loneliest number" ment until now, and oh how i wish i never had to experience this. God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 20, 2010 at 3:13pm

Suzanne, It is good to hear from you. I understand what you are feeling. I would much prefer to be with my husband right now. I never looked forward to dying. Actually, I was always afraid of dying but now I do ask God every day to let me be next to Phil. My children don't understand why I can't get excited about things but they don't understand what I am feeling inside. I do my best to be somewhat cheerful when they are around. I can't let the grandchildren know how I feel. So, I play this little game and they think that things are going allright. If they only knew the things that I feel and the things that I pray for they would be devastated.

Suzanne, somehow we will get through to the day that God answers our prayers and we will be reunited with our spouses again. We can all be thankful for this website because how could we hold it together if we had no one to talk to and express our true feelings.

I will continue praying for you and for Danny. May God Bless You.