first of all, this group and its support is truly amazing and has helped me to know that I am not alone in how I feel...my husband passed on December 22, 2011 so its been two months and every day has been a constant struggle...my time is not my own anymore and my days have become moments of getting by..it is so very difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't had a loss like this to help them understand where i am these days...they think I should move on, or not cry or just get over it because he wouldnt want me to cry..well dont i wish. The easiest i have come up with so far is this.."I am the eye of a tornado. Calm, standing still, no sound no movement but swirling around me is chaos, terror, fear, life as it is right now with the people and bs going on. If i remotely reach out then I am in an instant spinning out of control in a frenzy and there is no help. No return, no saving grace I just simply become an object of matter thrown into the universe and disposed of wherever I land. But they still dont graap where i am coming from. I am terrified of March 5th..this will be my husband and mines 5th wedding anniversary and i have no idea what i am supposed to do???? I want to celebrate in some way, but then again I am reminded of that special day and how I am now a widow...omg the tears and pain are unbearable just thinking of this day..any advice from those who have surpassed the first anniversary? any help is much needed 

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Michelle, I have not passed the first wedding anniversary in heaven, but I will share this with you. I lost my son 5yrs 8 mos ago and we started a squirrel hunt in his memory. Jim took this and ran with it.  The hunt is a huge event and will be the 7th annual,  So for our 29th wedding anniversary I will be hosting 500 adults and kids in Kyle honor also this year we are doing a bow shoot to honor my Jim as he was quite a man just like all of your spouses.  Both of my guys loved the out of doors, so we will cherish them with what they loved... hugs and hope this may help.  Some people release baloons, doves, buy a tree and plant it when the weather is warmer...try to find a something that brings your heart peace, not happiness but peace and know he will be there as he loves you and is just beyond the veil, he truly has not left you... hugs Julie

Michelle I am so sorry for your loss.  It is real fresh for you.  As is said so many times on here, sorry you have become a member here.   It's not what anyone would want.  I'll be interested to see what is posted on this subject.  It's been on my mind too, with my 48th coming up in June and I'm dreading it.

I know I'm kidding myself if I say I'll get through it.  I know better now.  I said that about Valentines day and I was a mess.  I'm in Grief Share and our instructor said sometimes just thinking about getting through these dates are worse than the actual day.  I don't know if that's true or not.  I've had some pretty tough days that are suppose to be celebrated with happiness.

I am into 4 months and the edge has been taken off with some meds I'm on and I am so thankful for that.  I didn't want to take them, but I wouldn't have survived without them.  I have a psychologist and I am going to Grief Share and I am on here and I am so thankful to have found this site.  It has helped a lot with how others have handled situations. 

I will say a prayer for you.  Hugs Sue

 

 

Michelle - I am 42 and lost my Joseph in November 2011.  It is all so new and all the first are overwelmng.  Valentine's Day was hard and now my birthday in March, and our 16th anniversary in April. I agree that sometimes thinking about the approaching day is worse than the actual day. Although I am not so sure that will be the case for my birthday and our anniversary.  For me, the best way to emotionally prepare is to plan to do some small activity that Joseph would have appreciated. And this will be my way of celebrating these happy events that are now so full of sadness.  For our anniversary, I'm going to take his keepsake urn, a blanket and a glass of wine and sit by the lake at sunset.  I struggle with making it through the day now - more than when he first passed away. But i have to believe Joseph is watching over me, wanting me to move forward.  We are here with you, please reach out to me if you need to talk, vent, or just know someone is there.

I am also having the first real anniversary.  My husband was killed October 21, 2010.  We were married on Feb. 29, 2004.  So this is the frist real anniversary with out him.  I will probably go to the cemetery and spend the day with him.  I miss him so much still I hurt.  Gene was killed  four days before my birthday so birthdays are hard for me also.  All I want to do for the last several days is cry.  He picked out our wedding date, he is so funny, he said " this way I'll only be in trouble every 4 yrs."  God I miss that man so much.  He was the lite of my life , my everything. 

I read a book that said you should acknowledge your firsts, but not alone. Go out to dinner and toast to him, go to his favorite place or eat food he likes...Something like in honor of him.

Hi Michelle. You have my deepest sympathy. My wife Rhonda passed away 11-23-11. Our 21st wedding anniversary was five days after her funeral. I like you didn't think I could survive it. Of course it was awful, theres no reason to pretend on this website. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle it, but I'll share with you what I did. I bought her really nice flowers, which I put on her grave. And a card which I wrote in, just as if she were going to read it (I really think she did), and I put that on her side of our bed on her pillow. I also gave to charity in her memory. I have found that what has helped me the most so far is talking to Rhonda. I've always turned to her, and I still do. There's so much we don't understand, but I truely feel her presence, and know that if there is a way, she will help me. They call this the year of 1st, and unfourtunately many of the 1st will hurt like hell for us. But the hurt is a direct reflection of the deep love we have for our departed spouse. So if you think of it that way, your honoring your husband with your tears. Good luck and God bless.

I had my first anniversary on Nov. 10th 2011 which was 4 1/2 months after I lost Laurence.  I didn't know what I was going to do but without her realizing it a girlfriend emailed me that she was coming to town and would I join her for dinner and spend the night at the Houstonian with her.  She said another friend of ours would be joining us who lost her husband just 2 weeks before I did.  The date of this get together was on our anniversary so I said yes!  I knew I didn't want to be home alone so I went and had a nice evening.  I hope something pops up out of the blue for you too.  Like so many have said on this site the days leading up to an event are usually worse than the day.  Good luck to you.  Today is 8 months for me and tomorrow is his birthday, another first. 

Thank you Michelle for asking this question.  I tried not to read post for the past few days due to getting something else done than reading the boards.  I cut the grass because if he would be here he would have done it. Today i worked in the yard again because I needed to.

My 46th Birthday will be coming up on March 12th.  This will be 1 month since my Mom who was living with us for 9 months will be in heaven. 

On May 18th it will be our 28th anniversary. 

I'm trying anything and everything to just get thru the mess he left with his family business. 

I feel all alone. 

My days for the past 30yrs involved him.  I had no friends except for him.  I have blood related family but they always disappoint and have not been in contact with them for years. So his friends and family were mine until now.

My children try to be here for me but I try not to ask much from them because our son is married with a new baby and our daughter is away at college trying to due her best to carry out what her dad wanted her to and what she knows she told him she would do.

I pray each and everyone of us can find the answer's to what we are looking for but at this time I'm too are just looking for those answer's and be that person he always told me I was.

 

 

 

i too lost my husband after 5 years of marriage. he passed on march 9,2011. january 6th would have been our anniversary. i dreaded looking forward to spending that day alone. my husband enjoyed collecting wine. i had saved a favorite bottle that he loved and opened it and toasted our life together. i decided that i had 2 choices...i could mourn what we loat or i could celebrate what we had. i chose to celebrate. i shed a lot of tears but i thought back to all of the silly things he would say or do and it made me smile. we all have to cope in our own way. none of this is easy and there is no rule book on how to deal. i wish you well...

Lita,  

I really don't know what I can do.   He loved speed and I didn't.  I went with him in our boat which I do not even know how to pull or launch.  We went 4 wheeling.  But I also do not know how to pull the trailer.  The only other thing we did was relax on the back deck and he cooked something on the green egg. I don't know how to use it either..  I guess the only thing I know is to hang out with his friends and hope I have a good time... So far no one has asked me to do... 

I use to enjoy making sure he and I had a clean home and he had no worries once he got here everyday.  Right now that seems so meaning less.

I'm so sorry I'm being so negative.  I'm just trying to find my way...I pray with people like yourself and this board I will be able to type the words for someone else...

He was always looked as the glass full...  I have always been the one to find it half empty.. 

I so have the up most respect for all married women that are married to a military husband or a off shore..

Thanks you..  I just needed to know someone is out there...

 

 

B.  I know what you mean about cleaning house.  It was months after Gene was taken before I did anything. My nephew was talking to me one day and I told him I dont even clean house anymore.  He said " The one thing Gene  was proud of is the way you kept his house clean and he  always told me so."  My nephew gave me back the reason to keep the house.  So I clean for Gene still.  I know he see me and is still with me.  Gene was proud of of his house and me,  I loved to cook and he loved to eat.  We made a good team.  He was what made me whole, I miss him so much.  It was 16 months on the 21st.  So hard to believe this much time has gone by, some days it seems like only yesterday I got the phone call. Then there are times it seems  like forever.  I still cry and always will.  Its not everyday now as it was in the begaining but I still cry.   It doesn't get easier or better You just learn to deal with it.

 

 

Cynthia,
I sure hope so.
Just want to feel like I belong and have a purpose.
I'm trying so hard to be the women he told me he feel in Love with when he was 18 yrs. old and still told me when he was 48.
I pray I'm not rushing but I also don't want to grief so much my health is at risk.
Going to try and get what few hours of rest I can get before I have to take his and my place at work with his 2 family partners. Which is not easy because to me they are all fading away with him and letting me go thru this alone.

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