Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on April 16, 2011 at 11:50pm

Dear Stacey, I am so very sorry for your sudden loss of your young husband, 1 month is still very sudden, especially since the shock of hearing the word cancer causes so much instant fear and anxiety amongst us.  You would not have even had time to prepare your world to accept this diagnosis and then to lose your beloved so quickly, it is no wonder you are in shock.  You mention your very young children.  I would offer that you accept the support of those you mention in caring for the children, if your family could take turns staying with you to care for the children then you could take some time for your grief, because it is so important to acknowledge the grief Stacey, if it means your minister, a counsellor, a bereavement group or hospice group near you and especially to come to this site and write down your feelings.   I know there are quite a few people here who do have young children, mine are grown now and I am sure they will share their thoughts with you.   You are right, no one has any idea of how one feels, losing a spouse, a husband, a partner, unless they have experienced it themselves.  This is why it is important to reach out to people who have because we all go through those same feelings of loss, fear, emptiness, being scared.

 

I can say this to you, know that your loved one may be gone physically but they are not gone from your life.   You are still being loved and cared for from above.   Your husband is sending you his love and strength to carry on.   Imagine yourself being wrapped in his love when you feel especially down and feel his strength for you.  He would not abandon you Stacey and nor will God.

 

You can only take one step at a time, and if that is all you can do for a while then that is ok.  I am pretty sure that you children will be of immense comfort to you, because they are part of both you and your husband and as they grow you will see him in them and know that his love shines through them to you.

 

Please take care of yourself and do come here often.  Prayers will be said for you and your family. 

Hugs,

Carol

 

Permalink Reply by Marlena on April 17, 2011 at 1:54pm

Stacey,

I am so sorry for all you are going through.  To all of a sudden be thrown into the world of widowhood, trying to get your own bearings, all while trying to support your little ones and give them what they need...it is a lot to handle.  I really have no words of wisdom, I'm sorry.  Our kids were 24, 22, and 13 when we lost Tom unexpectedly at age 44.  I do understand the suddenness of your loss.  It is so hard to take.  For now, take it one day at a time, one breath at a time.  Do only what needs to be done and don't worry about anyone else.  Hold your children close and keep Dad present in their lives. 

Unless someone has walked in your shoes they have no idea how you feel, what you are thinking, or how you are going to find your way through this journey. 

You have come to a good place.  Even though we all have different stories we all understand the devastation of loss.  Come here to vent, scream, or celebrate an accomplishment.  We will hold you up and walk you through this journey.

I wish you comfort and peace as you begin your journey.

Hugs to you and your little people.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on May 3, 2011 at 9:52pm

Stacey, I am so sorry for your husbands passing.  My husband died from cancer too and he left behind 3 children and he was only 48.  He lasted almost 1 year from the time he was diagnosed.  I know how shocking it must be for you that he passed in only a month.  I have to tell you that watching my Frank fight for that year was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  He wanted to live so badly and to standby and watch him decline was so hard.  The most helpless feeling in the world that I couldnt help him.  There were days that I said if he has to go I wish he would go because it was so hard to watch and I feel guilty now because I would do anything for just one more day with him.  Your children are younger than mine but I still worry they will forget things about their dad and I have decided to make a journal and write all the special things their dad said and did so they never forget and I hope one day to share that with my grandchildren so they get to know their grandpa.  Maybe that would help you if you do it for your children.  Gather pictures and make a scrapbook I know it will be hard but it helps me to keep his pictures around and we talk about him all the time. Sometimes I say something remember when daddy did that and my little one smiles and says I remember that.  I also found someone who makes teddy bears out of shirts of people who have passed.  I had one made for each of my kids and myself and when we have bad days and they need to hug daddy they can hold onto his shirt (my son says it still smells like him).  I take my life one moment at a time.  It is 10 months for me and most days seem like yesterday.  I havent moved any of his things (his toothbrush still hangs in the bathroom).  I use the kids as an excuse because they dont want me getting rid of daddys things but the truth is I cant get the strength to move his things because then it will be real that hes not coming home.  My family tries to help but they dont understand how I feel.  My friends also treat me like I have the plague.  This site is a big comfort to me. I tried bereavement groups but it made me angry when women would complain of loss when they were married 50 years.  I guess I was jealous of them.  I tell everyone I am a robot...I get up do what I have to do and take care of my kids.  Would I rather curl up in a ball? Sure, but we dont have that luxury.  Our kids have lost enough, they cant lose us too.  All I can say is this stinks!  If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.  You are not alone.... unfortunately we are in a club we never wanted to be a part of.  When Frank used to see an old couple holding hands he would say "that will be us", I guess that will be us in another life when were together again.  I never ever imagined this would happen to me, this kind of thing happens to other people.  It still doesnt seem real and sometimes I think im crazy...when does it sink in?  Hang in there, enjoy your children and give them the best possible life the 3 of you can have. Carry your husband in your heart and keep him alive through your children.  I wish for better days for you!  God Bless.  Renee

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on May 4, 2011 at 6:48pm

Stacey,

 

So sorry to hear of your loss, I lost my wife to cancer she spent a month in the hospital then came home for 2 months until her passing, she was 55. Our children are grown and scattered around the country, life is very different and difficult without her after more then 31 years together as a couple. Take it 1 day at a time, baby steps, be mindful of the children but don't hide your emotions either. There is lots of great people here that will listen and lend some advice that have been through the same situations.

Permalink Reply by Christy on May 5, 2011 at 8:17am

Stacey, you & your family are in my prayers. My husband was 38 yrs. & died suddenly in an accident at work. He had 1 son who was 12 yrs. old at the time & lived with us. Since Larry's death, Nahjay had to go live with his mother for the 1st time. It has been very hard on him- new family, new home, school.... & I rarely get to see or talk with him. He has had no counseling either, which really disturbs me. Of course his mother treats Larry's death like she would the neighbors cat dying- she doesn't care one bit. Her & Larry had a brief relationship- never married, that resulted in her pregnancy and as I sd. she never raised the baby who is now 13 yrs. He tells me all the time that he wants to live w/ me but law won't let him until he turns 18 yrs! My heart breaks for him because he & his Dad were very close. Best buds. I pray more than anything now- more than ever before. That is the best I can do. I also am working on scrapbooks so that his son will have photos, notes, & remember good times & all the special things about his Dad that nobody else in this world can share with him about his Dad. I think that has something to do with why I am still here. I must pass this on to him as he matures & is better able to understand. I do things to honor Larry that are examples to his son of how much I love his Dad which I know makes him feel good. For example, on Larry's birthday I baked his favorite cake & took it to the firemen that helped to recover Larry's body. The reason was they are good men who work hard to help those in need & they should be shown some appreciation. Nahjay was so proud that they gave him one of their T-shirts. I wish you the best. I know it is & will be difficult, but I think it's important for us to do these types of things to 'share" their Dad with them as they grow up.

Hope this helps. Hugs, Christy

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 16, 2011 at 5:36pm

Stacey,
Sounds like we are in a similar situation. I just found this site on a recommendation from a friend. I lost my husband to nonhodgkin's lymphoma almost 2 months ago, yet it seems like just yesterday. We had been married for almost 12 years. We have two beautiful kids who are 8&6. He went through chemo and radiation....then underwent a Bone Marrow transplant, where he contracted Graft v. Host. It all went downhill from there. He came home with the help of hospice and I lost him 2 months later. I am truly in a deep dark hole that I can't crawl out of. I feel like I have failed him on so many levels. I encouraged him to get treatment after treatment that ultimately failed him, only causing him an immense amount of pain.

I cannot sleep, cannot concentrate on anything but the grief I feel. I still cannot lay down in our bed because all of the memories of his last moments come back to me. I remember laying down next to him, feeling his last breath. I laid with him for hours after his passing...just couldn't move. I feel totally empty. My heart, my soul, my life is empty and I just can't breath.

I am hoping that seeing others a little further down this path will help, as right now, I don't see any light....all I see it the tunnel. Having the kids is good because I see him in everything they do but I also feel like I am failing them. I am having so many issues myself that I don't know how to help them.

Maybe we can help each other.

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 16, 2011 at 5:36pm

Stacey,
Sounds like we are in a similar situation. I just found this site on a recommendation from a friend. I lost my husband to nonhodgkin's lymphoma almost 2 months ago, yet it seems like just yesterday. We had been married for almost 12 years. We have two beautiful kids who are 8&6. He went through chemo and radiation....then underwent a Bone Marrow transplant, where he contracted Graft v. Host. It all went downhill from there. He came home with the help of hospice and I lost him 2 months later. I am truly in a deep dark hole that I can't crawl out of. I feel like I have failed him on so many levels. I encouraged him to get treatment after treatment that ultimately failed him, only causing him an immense amount of pain.

I cannot sleep, cannot concentrate on anything but the grief I feel. I still cannot lay down in our bed because all of the memories of his last moments come back to me. I remember laying down next to him, feeling his last breath. I laid with him for hours after his passing...just couldn't move. I feel totally empty. My heart, my soul, my life is empty and I just can't breath.

I am hoping that seeing others a little further down this path will help, as right now, I don't see any light....all I see it the tunnel. Having the kids is good because I see him in everything they do but I also feel like I am failing them. I am having so many issues myself that I don't know how to help them.

Maybe we can help each other.

Permalink Reply by stacey valenti on May 17, 2011 at 9:33am

Hi  I know exactly how you feel.  My children have really been helping me as they are a good distraction to the grief.   I have started therapy which i am finding is really helping me.  It gives me an outlet every week and i would suggest finding someone who is experienced with grief counseling.   My husband did not pass away at home he was in the hospital so i can't imagine having that memory in your bed ofhim passing.  I am trying to think of what he would want me to do especially for the children.  That is what is allowing me to try and get through the day.  Do you have any support? family or friends?  That helps alot.  I am glad you reached out to me.  Having someone who knows what it feels like really does make a difference.

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 17, 2011 at 9:10pm

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I have family close and they have been a big help withthe practical stuff. They have great about watching the kids, helping around the house with chores. That stuff helps, don't get me wrong, but it is just the quiet that I can't stand. I am home by myself quite a bit. In my job, I go out and visit schools, helping develop their music programs but once I am done my visits, I have a home office for my paper work and such. When I come home and the kids are at school, I am surrounded by every memory. My husband was an avid photographer so we have pictures that he took all over the house. Mostly pictures of the kids and Then I see all of the memorabilia of all of our time together...I am truly suffocating here. I have seriously thought about moving but I can't do that to my kids. This is the only home the ever knew and it would just be another loss for them. I just don't know how to escape this immense sadness that overcomes me all the time. He was home for 2 months on hospice before he died and during that time, I was the primary caregiver for him, besides his nurse. I continued to work ft as I had to support the kids and myself and then came home to my other ft time job of taking care of him and the kids. I lived on about 2 hours of sleep per night--but with all of that, I am wishing for that tome back. Even if he was like that, I had him here with me--how selfish does that sound. I just can't find meaning in anything I do and I feel as though I am just passing time with each day that does by. I can't tell you how often I have thought about just giving up but then I see my kids faces and know I can't do that to them yet everyday....I think about it again. I take pretty heavy narcotics for bad migraines I get but made the decision not to fill my prescription this last time because I did not want that bottle in the house---I knew that it would give me that option, and I can't have those thoughts. I love my kids so very much but feel like I am completely failing them because I cannot get through this. I know after 2 months, I shouldn't expect to be "over" this but I still relive the moment of his death over and over in my head multiple times a day. I lay down in our bed (which I can still not sleep in) and I swear I still feel his touch, I can feel his arms around me. I just don't feel like I can exist in a world where he is not a part of. I don't know how to do any of this.

Sorry, didn't mean to just go off like that. I am Glastonbury hear that you are getting help from a therapist. I wish I could do that. I have such major trust and control issues that I know I could not open up to someone I didn't know. This Internet thing is different because it is totally annoynous. I just can't imagine letting a therapist into our relationship. Sharing intimate times in our lives... I am glad you find help in that though....we need to find whatever we can to help us dig out of this deep hole we are in. I just wish I had a shovel....I feel like I am using a spoon!
Thanks again for replying to me. I appreciate the support!

Permalink Reply by stacey valenti on May 18, 2011 at 9:03am

It's been a little over a month for me and i know exactly how you feel about being around the house and seeing all of his things.  His clothes and toothbrush.... I go through his pockets looking for things for no reason.  I still check his phone for texts and emails everyday like that makes sense,  but for some reason i have to do it.  Being home for me comforts me somewhat, when i go out i feel so lost and lonely.  I am very lonely at home as well especially at night and weekends but i feel safe home.  I know you mentioned about not feeling comfortable witha therapist and i can understand that.  I am a very private person however it does help to have a stranger listen and help..  Talking to my family and friends is sometimes too hard for me.  From everything i have been reading and i have been reading alot about grief, you need to get the help to get through the grief or it will consume you.  Your kids need a healthy mom so you have to take care of yourself.  I think about my husband in the hospital and wish i was still sleeping there as well every night.  It gave me a purpose,but i am trying to focuse on my kids and myself getting healthy.  It is going to be a long journey for us and i hope that we can help each other.

 

Permalink Reply by Christy on May 23, 2011 at 12:23am

I too just lost my husband (age 40) in a tragic accident, and he had 5 kids (all my step kids, 2 are grown, but the three others are young...(9, 6, almost 3). I know the two younger ones don't completely understand.  I most likely will never get to see the little ones again, and MISS THEM TERRIBLY! My mom became "grandma" and has been devastated w/ the loss as well.  

 

I am sorry for your loss, but be happy you have 2 children that will bring so many reminders of the wonderful man that fathered them.

I have been in a fog as well! Some days I'm ok, others I start crying at the smallest reminder/trigger of remembering him. I guess that is natural, and will happen for some time! I also have a HUGE family of in-laws, but none of them seem to comprehend just how devastating this is for me. They are concerned, and being supportive, but someone is always calling me to "get some of his stuff" or something. Every time that happens, I get a bit more re-traumatized. ugh.....

Just try to hold up, and focus on healing YOU, and your kids. You have to take this one day at at time, everyone deals with it differently, and at different paces. I have been reading a LOT of books, seems to help a lot.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on May 23, 2011 at 11:53am

Dear Christy, I was just reading posts and came to yours.  I am sorry about your loss and that perhaps you won't be able to see the stepchildren again, I hope that doesn't come to pass, I really do, for your sake and your mom's.  Perhaps there will be some intervention and you could at least see them a little, I am sure they miss you both too!

I wanted to say that reading has really, really helped me too!  I read and read and read!  I find comfort in reading and the words on the page.   I recently went to a first bereavement session, after 9 months.  Did not like it at all, I find my reading, being on this site and going to counselling 1:1 works best for me.  Each person is different, but to be able to express yourself in a safe place is wonderful!

 

Reminders are really hard aren't they?  It is always the smallest thing, a letter in the mail, if you feel particularly down that day something is bound to catch your mind.  When I was sick I felt really vulnerable, sad to be so alone, but most days I am glad to have the love of my husband surround me and can get through the days.  

 

I hope you are able to take those small steps towards healing, which it sounds like you are! 

 

Carol