I've been diagnosed with severe depression. Anyone else out there? I have an appt. tomorrow for meds and although I don't want to take more meds, I am half way welcoming some relief through medication. The thought of living on meds for a long time is something I never liked and after seeing how heavily they kept my husband medicated for 11 months is like another nightmare. I'm torn that it's sort of a relief that I found out why I was crying so much and no hope, but at the same time, I don't want to go that route. After being tested yesterday, I realized I have probably been this way for quite a while.
Again, just something else to add to my unfamilar life right now. I hate to sound, "poor me", but I feel enough is enough.
Diane enjoy, I think our minds only allow what we can handle at a time. Maybe your mind is taking a time out so you can regroup.
Diane Marante McDonough said:
I too was taking Xanax, it was my husbands but since have gone to the doctor for my own. I just take a little piece not the entire pill (.05). This seems to take the edge off but recently stopped. This past week I have been alone almost for the first time since Laurence was taken from me on June 26, 2011. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I have been out every single day this past week and it has helped keep my focus on others which really does help me. Out of 7 days, 5 were spent visiting my Mom's old friends in their new facilities. One night I even had dinner in their dining room with all the residents and it was really nice. I felt like a kid! The odd feelling I also had this week was I didn't feel that overwhelming saddness. This made me feel sort of strange, guilty and confused. HOw can that be, I can't be done grieving so what is this. Maybe I am just too busy right now to give it the time I had in the past to sit and cry. It is good don't get me wrong but just feels odd. I am going out again today, a friends for a BBQ and enjoy this warm weather.
Love and hugs to all
Diane, I too have been having days when I didn't think of George constantly and I feel strange and guilty too, like "what is wrong with me"? I don't think this is the end of grief. I suspect we're out of the very acute phase and are in one of the "up" phases, since I've heard grief described as an undulating line of "up" and "down" days. I think that as we move along, the up days may become more frequent and the down days less low and less frequent. I lost my first husband many years ago, a casualty of the Vietnam war, and I vaguely remember this phenomenon. I suspect we will cry again and we will miss them tremendously but I think this all means that we are moving along and progressing. There doesn't seem to be a lot to be thankful for these days but perhaps this is one of them!
Suzanne, May God bless you and hold you through this day of pain and sadness. Please remember every day is a day closer to our loves...our soul mates hugs my friend.
I just felt the need to add my thoughts that I feel very fortunate for not taking antidepressive medication although I feel if anyone needs it, there is nothing wrong with taking it. I was also taking xanax for about 4 months over a year ago but told my pcp I wanted to stop because with me all it made me do was to keep falling asleep. I figure I felt I had 2 problems I still had anxiety/panic attacks as well as falling asleep. We each are affected with medication differently I have heard. I still have anxiety but it doesn't occur regularly any more and it helps me to know that the feeling will go away and it always does. I believe I will always feel depression for the rest of my life, and so I am learning to live with it. In about 3 and a half hours from this post it will be the time that my husband breathed his last breath 2 years ago. At 3:30 a.m. on 1/22/2010 I quietly watched but the nurse pronounced the time when she took his pulse at 5:40 a.m., we had to wait for her to make it official, so that's the time she wrote on the certificate. When the fog from my brain lifted about a month or so later I realized I never knew it would feel like this. When he died, so did my spirit for living. The music died for me, no more celebratory feelings, I just go to visit and be with family, sons, sisters, grandchildren and I have come to believe these moments are just temporary distractions. I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I couldn't get any more depressed even if I tried, but I am going through the motions of life. I haven't posted because I really feel like I have been all talked out. Things have changed for me, like the feelings and crying occur less often and are not so intense, but my thoughts have not changed. I'll stop there, as I have a tendency to keep talking/typing but I know the Lord is always with me. So, I just wanted to let you know I am keeping you in my prayers. I so understand how it is and my heart goes out to each and every of you.
For me, I know that feelings come and go, which is why I've heard this is called an emotional roller coaster. It has happened to me countless times that I think I'm all done crying and for about 1 or 2 weeks I'm just doing what I need to be doing, my errands, laundry, etc. and then the tears come again. It's all very common for grieving. I have felt in no particular order an array of various emotions, anger, sadness, indifference, depression, lonliness, euphoria, emptiness, anger, gratefulness, confusion, shock, grief, desperation, did I say anger? It's all normal for what we are going through, or so I've heard. It doesn't feel normal, but for someone going through the process of grief, I have heard it said that this is the other side of love, for we feel these feelings as much as we loved. So that makes us very much loved. I still think at times, that I'm done with all my crying, yet the tears still come. Sometimes I think my tears are like an eternal waterfall within but only come out when a memory (good and bad) pops in my mind. I have heard and it's true that when we go outside we feel better. I believe in my opinion that there is not one size (or grief method) that fits all. There is no one way for mourning. We each need to do what we feel is right for us. Sorry, didn't mean to sound preachy, but I think everyone who has started mourning becomes an expert (LoL) and in a way we all have this knowledge now. Too bad we can't get those who are still among the living to not fight with their loved one and appreciate the way we do now, but we can't know until our loved one has passed how this feels. That's the way it is, I guess. Now that it's 2 years for me, it may as well be 2 days or 10 years, my feelings and thoughts are the same, I just continue to do what I need to do and when I wake in the morning I put one foot in front of the other and God takes care of the rest of the day. In my opinion, I can't think my way out of grief with positive thoughts, of all that I have heard for these past 2 years that has made more sense to me is to go through the feelings. But, I only speak for myself. Also, sharing with only those who understand, friends, therapists, bereavement counselors, Hospice groups, and online groups, for me sharing has helped. I thought I was all talked out as well but apparently not. LoL
My Neal was diagnosed April 27, 2010 with lung cancer. In June 2010 my doctor put me on Lexapro. I stayed on that until he passed away October 15, 2010. Then it was like I was taking nothing. My doctor changed it to Cymbalta and I could tell it was helping more. I don't think I could have made it without something. All last year was nothing but a big blur and I just went through the motions of living. So I don't know what I would have been like if I had not had some help. I would like to get off the Cymbalta now but I still feel so depressed and soooo sad. It is now 15 months and most people think I am ok, but inside I'm not ok. Our anniversary is coming up next month, it would have been 42 years. I can hardly believe I am now in my second year without Neal. How can that be? I seem to be going backwards. I was trying to get out some and now I don't want to go anywhere again. I guess this is just part of that roller coaster ride we are all on and I am now on the downside.
Suzanne you hit the nail on the head with all of your feelings and what you have gone through. I am glad to hear others feeling the same as I do. It is definately a roller coaster and I never liked riding them!!!! I will embrace this calm I am feeling right now because as I hear from so many, it is not the end.
Fighting with the car insurance people now. Who thought when you remove a person from your insurance, and BTW don't they know how hard just telling them to do that is!!!!!!!......anyway when you do this your premium goes up!!!!! HOW< WHY, doesn't make any sense to me UGH
Diane, it is good to have periods of time that you are not totally overwhelmed with grief. Don't feel guilty. I find that my really low times come less often. Dave died on December 2, 2010. I find that being busy, and involved in things has helped significantly. Hugs to all Maggie