Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jan on October 21, 2014 at 7:40pm

It's been a year for me. I'm in my 40's and my own mother in law said you're still young you can get another husband. That was her son. And I don't want another husband. I want my husband back. I still feel married I still feel like I'm someone's wife. I still put Mrs. When I buy things online. I too have learned to fake a smile. Mostly I just avoid family functions altogether. I don't feel like going to family get togethers. My sisters have husbands and it hurts to see the couples together. I have 2 kids still at home. I wait till they aren't home to cry because I don't want them to worry about me and why I haven't gotten better by now. I go to sleep crying and wake up the same way. For a long time when I would first wake up I would think it was just a horrible dream. For a few seconds I wasn't in reality. Then it would hit me that this really is my life now.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on October 21, 2014 at 7:53pm

Michelle said:

I am being told the same thing. That I can remarry. I am sorry that you have experienced the very same thing. :(( People mean well but they are almost cruel with words.

Jan said:

It's been a year for me. I'm in my 40's and my own mother in law said you're still young you can get another husband. That was her son. And I don't want another husband. I want my husband back. I still feel married I still feel like I'm someone's wife. I still put Mrs. When I buy things online. I too have learned to fake a smile. Mostly I just avoid family functions altogether. I don't feel like going to family get togethers. My sisters have husbands and it hurts to see the couples together. I have 2 kids still at home. I wait till they aren't home to cry because I don't want them to worry about me and why I haven't gotten better by now. I go to sleep crying and wake up the same way. For a long time when I would first wake up I would think it was just a horrible dream. For a few seconds I wasn't in reality. Then it would hit me that this really is my life now.

Permalink Reply by janeo on October 21, 2014 at 8:47pm

Michelle, Im so sorry for your loss.

When people say things like that they mean well and just don't know what to say. They don

t know the pain and hell that we go through. And that's why its great Steve Cain started this group so we can feel safe and to share whats in our heart without judgement. We try to pick each other up when were down and share the joys too.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on October 21, 2014 at 9:31pm

Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. Have you tried joining a bereavement group? I find it is helping me through my terrible journey. (I lost my husband after 32 years of marriage 4 months ago.) You can share as much or as little as you want with other people who are going through the same thing. Friends mean well, but they can say the most insensitive things. No one can even come close to understanding what you are going through unless they too have suffered the loss of a spouse.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on October 21, 2014 at 10:35pm

Janeo and Dorothy, I am sorry for your losses too. It is a heartbreaking journey, life changing :(( and my prayers are with all of you on this website.i don't know how people live truly happy after the death of someone close to the heart.My husband and I were together for 8 years. I wish we had been given more time :((I find it to be so unfair that we did not get a chance to do so many things.
He laid down for a nap while I was working and he never woke up.
I miss him a lot.
I find myself talking to him often though. I've apologized for things. Told him my regrets. Chattered away about how our business is doing and how much I love him.

Permalink Reply by Tonya Janowski on October 22, 2014 at 3:17am

Hello Michelle. I'm sorry that you lost your husband, I lost mine last month also. We were married for 16 of the best years of my life. He was my best friend, lover, confident...everything. We have two children and they know that life is different, but they seem to be handling this better than me.

I find that there are days that I feel numb inside, when the tears are easier to hold back. And then there are days when my heart feels like a knife is permanently stick in it. People shouldn't expect you to hide your real feelings. If you're sad, and something they say makes you cry, or think of your husband...cry and tell them that. They only mean to help, but in our situation, no one, who doesn't understand, can say too much that really helps.

It seems only time can really heal. I cry all over the place and try not to do it in public. My in-laws have not offered advice like this. My mother-in-law is a good friend to me. She lost 2 husbands and now her son. She only says, it will take time, and that I should try to stay busy. It helps not to sit and think too long. She too is still grieving for my father in law. I know my husband would urge me to talk to her, so I do and I try to be with her because she offers a healing balm to my soul. My husband is with her and with me too.

My problem is that my husband was sick with cancer for two years. He fought hard, and I stood with him. Our relationship wasn't what it use to be, but I loved him and I knew he loved me. I wanted him to get better, to be with me forever. I never wanted to see him die. But I did. I had to make all kinds of decisions about his medical treatments in the hospital the day he died. I hated everything they did to him, to help him, because I know he was in pain and he was slipping away. In the end...I know he is with God and he is okay. He sends me messages...a leaf landing on my shoulder with a heart symbol inside it. I see beautiful birds and insects he liked. I know he hears me when I speak. And sometimes he comes to me in my dreams.

But...I miss his hugs, the way he would hold me, his kisses. I feel guilty because I want my husband back too, but I also want someone to exchange conversation with, to hold, to take walks with. I'm confused, and angry with myself. And I can't wait to see my husband again one day. I wish this whole life would end for me, so I wouldn't have to deal with anything. Not having a friendly relationship, or bills, or being alone for the rest of my life...because I'm no ones type, my husband and I were perfect for each other. He was my soul mate, and there is no one else for me. 

But Michelle, you need to grieve your way. You don't have to hide that you loved your husband and you're heart is broken. You'll go on from where you are...a little at a time. That's it, it's a one day at time process. Your husband will always be in your heart...a part of you that you can feel. He can hear you and will be with you. Listen for the songs...he'll show you he's still with you. With the Lord and his love you will make it...in your way, and in your time. 

Permalink Reply by Michelle on October 22, 2014 at 11:51am

Hugs to you, Tonya.

I am sorry that you had to watch your husband decline in health and I know all decisions were difficult to make :( that is rough. My heart goes out to you.

The doctors told my husband that he had less than a few months to live. There were no treatments and no operations that would help him. Only medications to make him comfortable and help him sleep.

We spent the summer preparing his will, telling friends and family, organizing his memorial and trying to find a way to be okay with the future.

Once medicated, he was himself. We had a good summer but last month he complained of major discomfort and pain, laid down for a nap and passed away.

I told my group in therapy that I am happy that I had the extra time with him but I have paid for it by grieving twice. I grieved (alone) before he died and I grieve now.

"You don't have to hide that you loved your husband and you're heart is broken. You'll go on from where you are...a little at a time. That's it, it's a one day at time process. Your husband will always be in your heart...a part of you that you can feel. He can hear you and will be with you. Listen for the songs...he'll show you he's still with you. With the Lord and his love you will make it...in your way, and in your time."   <- this brought me so much comfort. I wish that I had your way with words. Thank you!! Hugs to you.

Tonya Janowski said:

Hello Michelle. I'm sorry that you lost your husband, I lost mine last month also. We were married for 16 of the best years of my life. He was my best friend, lover, confident...everything. We have two children and they know that life is different, but they seem to be handling this better than me.

I find that there are days that I feel numb inside, when the tears are easier to hold back. And then there are days when my heart feels like a knife is permanently stick in it. People shouldn't expect you to hide your real feelings. If you're sad, and something they say makes you cry, or think of your husband...cry and tell them that. They only mean to help, but in our situation, no one, who doesn't understand, can say too much that really helps.

It seems only time can really heal. I cry all over the place and try not to do it in public. My in-laws have not offered advice like this. My mother-in-law is a good friend to me. She lost 2 husbands and now her son. She only says, it will take time, and that I should try to stay busy. It helps not to sit and think too long. She too is still grieving for my father in law. I know my husband would urge me to talk to her, so I do and I try to be with her because she offers a healing balm to my soul. My husband is with her and with me too.

My problem is that my husband was sick with cancer for two years. He fought hard, and I stood with him. Our relationship wasn't what it use to be, but I loved him and I knew he loved me. I wanted him to get better, to be with me forever. I never wanted to see him die. But I did. I had to make all kinds of decisions about his medical treatments in the hospital the day he died. I hated everything they did to him, to help him, because I know he was in pain and he was slipping away. In the end...I know he is with God and he is okay. He sends me messages...a leaf landing on my shoulder with a heart symbol inside it. I see beautiful birds and insects he liked. I know he hears me when I speak. And sometimes he comes to me in my dreams.

But...I miss his hugs, the way he would hold me, his kisses. I feel guilty because I want my husband back too, but I also want someone to exchange conversation with, to hold, to take walks with. I'm confused, and angry with myself. And I can't wait to see my husband again one day. I wish this whole life would end for me, so I wouldn't have to deal with anything. Not having a friendly relationship, or bills, or being alone for the rest of my life...because I'm no ones type, my husband and I were perfect for each other. He was my soul mate, and there is no one else for me. 

But Michelle, you need to grieve your way. You don't have to hide that you loved your husband and you're heart is broken. You'll go on from where you are...a little at a time. That's it, it's a one day at time process. Your husband will always be in your heart...a part of you that you can feel. He can hear you and will be with you. Listen for the songs...he'll show you he's still with you. With the Lord and his love you will make it...in your way, and in your time. 

Permalink Reply by Michelle on October 22, 2014 at 12:11pm

Definitely two faces of grief.

As for triggers...a kitkat bar set me off last week at the store. I picked it up for my husband, remembered he was gone, felt bad that he could no longer enjoy it, put it back on the shelf then cried. All the emotions that hit...nostalgia, sadness and guilt in 5 seconds. :'((

Baby steps. True. This week, our friend and I split a kitkat in honor of him. It seems such a strange and small thing but it helped me a lot.

Cyber hugs to you, Jan. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

How are you feeling today?

Jane P. said:

Michelle,  I am so sorry for your loss and you now having to join us on the roller coaster ride called grief.  Your grief is young and as time passes you will see the same people telling you to 'stay strong' or 'move on' will have moved on, leaving you in the dust! As their lives go back to normal you struggle and unless they have experienced such a loss they will NEVER comprehend the magnitude of pain you are going through.  What you have referred to as 'faking' I call it the two faces of grief.  The one face is the one that is shown in public, the one that pretends to be moving on with life and the other is hidden behind closed doors, that is the one that is crying and dealing with a broken heart.  But no matter how hard you try there are always triggers which will remind you of you husband and the tears will flow freely, and you have earned that right to cry.  There are no timeframes in which you must follow and grieving such as ours is a baby step process so take your time.  This is a great site because we are all grieving and some of us have experienced what you are now going through.  We try to share our experiences and extend a few words of advice but we do send many cyber hugs.  Hugs, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Tonya Janowski on October 22, 2014 at 5:34pm

Hello Michelle and Jan! I'm glad to have this site to come too and share my grief with you. I know I'll be understood here.

Today I feel numb inside. My heart is still heavy, but I'm going through confusion and anger too. I'm angry with the doctors and the hospital that were suppose to treat my husband. I guess I'm taking it out on them.

My triggers are shows on TV my husband use to love, his clothes, the absence of his voice. And the silence in the house, w/out his voice, is driving me to tears.

I hope you all are doing a little better today. One step at a time...we'll get through this. I heard car horns 3 times today. I believe my husband was telling me he's around, since it's really rare for anyone to use car horns in my neighborhood. Thank you for sharing your story Michelle..baby steps right? I'm going really slow. :(

Permalink Reply by Michelle on November 19, 2014 at 6:32pm

Tonya, i am so sorry for your loss also. I understand those emotions, it is very confusing to sort through all of them.  :(  One step at a time. When we need to cry, we must cry.

Tonya Janowski said:

Hello Michelle and Jan! I'm glad to have this site to come too and share my grief with you. I know I'll be understood here.

Today I feel numb inside. My heart is still heavy, but I'm going through confusion and anger too. I'm angry with the doctors and the hospital that were suppose to treat my husband. I guess I'm taking it out on them.

My triggers are shows on TV my husband use to love, his clothes, the absence of his voice. And the silence in the house, w/out his voice, is driving me to tears.

I hope you all are doing a little better today. One step at a time...we'll get through this. I heard car horns 3 times today. I believe my husband was telling me he's around, since it's really rare for anyone to use car horns in my neighborhood. Thank you for sharing your story Michelle..baby steps right? I'm going really slow. :(

Tonya, Jane, Dorothy, Janeo, Jan

how are you now? I have been very busy with court, business and grieving :/ today is an "okay" day but I find myself missing him more. It seems like my brain is finally understanding that my husband is not coming back. More time has meant more tears but I am hoping that this will pass.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on November 19, 2014 at 7:49pm

Tonya, Jane, Dorothy, Janeo, Jan

how are you now? I have been very busy. Today is an "okay" day but I find myself missing my husband more. I think my brain is finally starting to understand that my husband is not coming back.

---------------------------------

 I am surprised that after 2 months, I am crying less and feeling a bit more normal during the day time. I am able to do daily things without bursting into tears.

 Some times I feel angry and a little in disbelief at times. I can't get over the fact that just a year ago, my husband and I were sitting in this house working together, laughing and being all lovey dovey.

It blows my mind that 9 months ago we were told he was dying.

And now he is gone.Any time that I start to feel that way, I cry it out then I :1) read the Book of Ecclesiastes. It reminds me that life on earth is "meaningless" when compared to Heaven. Death is something that has happened for centuries and it is the beginning of true peace.
or

2) I listen to this video. I lay down and close my eyes.

Meditation for Healing Grief by Sarah Hall

Either way that I choose to find my support I remember afterwards that my husband was very proud of his heritage (of his people) and I know that he has finally "joined his ancestors".

 Please have the sweetest of dreams. I am praying for all of you.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on November 19, 2014 at 10:23pm

Hi, Michelle,

It's been a little over five months for me now and I can actually say that I have some good days.  I still have moments where I can't believe that he is gone.  I know logically, of course, but emotionally, well....I can't believe I'll never hear his voice or get a hug or laugh at some silly joke he's made.  It does get a little better, but I miss him every day.  However, like you, I believe in an afterlife and I feel that he was only "on loan" to me in this lifetime from God and that I will be with him again for eternity.  I am reading a book now called "Praying your Goodbyes" by Joyce Raup and it has a beautiful prayer in it for people who have lost their loved one.  Thank you for your post, Michelle, I am praying for you also.

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