I have not been contacted by Brad's family since he left in August 2009 other than the times I called them. They were very "gracious" saying they would keep in touch but they never have. I miss them as they are a part of the life I had with Brad. I would like to send a Christmas card and along with it a letter stating my feelings. Is this wrong to do at the holidays?  What can I even say? If I let out my feelings I might sound rude. I don't know what to do or say but I'd like them to know the hurt I've felt the past 16 months. We were so close when Brad was here. They always told me how much they loved me and now its like I don't exist. Any suggestions are appreciated. This time of year is bad enough for me, let alone the absence of his family. Last year I didn't hear from them and it hurt but I think I was still too numb to care. Now I'm angry for the hurt they have put me through.

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Replies to This Discussion

Tereca, thanks for the kind words, I guess I'll send a card to them and see if they answer, but I really don't think they will after all this time. I guess my anger is coming out now as it does when I'm heading for a meltdown, I want to deal with this new life but right now I just cant seem to find a way to do it. I know God and Brad are watching over me, but sometimes its not enough. I need Brad by my side again and I know it won't happen, but I can dream.  I'm happy to hear you are being more positive!

Barb

Tereca Megee said:

I truly do know the felling. Like we lost a whole family, not just our spouses. I have decided to send Christmas cards to them....simple, religious with a little note that I miss them and the opportunity to share our memories. I will get a reaction or not. We cannot control other peoples actions, only our reactions. I will move on and deal with all this. I am never truly alone, as I know God has His arm around me, as does my Donnie watch over me. Hugs & Prayers, So Sorry for your loss.

Barb,  Write them a note and let them know how you feel.  If their feelings get hurt, so be it.  They have hurt you by  their absence.  People do not realize what the feeling is when you lose your  spouse.  When he left, he took part of your heart with him.  You will not have that back until you are reunited.  The pain  is so intense that sometimes I wonder how I am going to get by day to day.  I pray that it will not be  too long before I am with him again.  My husband was an only child so I don't have the 'family' issues too.  He had very close cousins with whom he was raised.  They sent flowers but didn't even come to his funeral.  As far as I am concerned, I don't need them now.   I guess  when push comes to shove, the only ones we can really count on being there for us are our children.  Barb, you have hurt enough,  let their feelings get hurt if them must!

I LOST MY HUSBAND UNEXPECTEDLY 12/18/09.HIS SON WAS 7 WHEN HE PASSED, NOW 8, I HAVE A 9YR OLD BOY AND A 10YR OLD GIRL.WE HAD JUST WON TEMP. CUSTODY OF HIS SON ON 12/15/09...WE FINALLY HAD OUR FAMILY TOGETHER, BUT ONLY FOR A DAY...MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN ILL THAT DAY,AND THE 3 DAYS B4 AND OUR BOYS WERE AT SCHOOL (CHRISTMAS PARTY DAY),MY NEIGHBOR HAD TAKEN MY HUBBY 2 THE DOCTOR THAT MORNING FOR SOME INJECTIONS IN HIS BACK (HE WAS INJURED ON HIS JOB IN 9/09 AND HAD BEEN DEALING W/ BACK INJURIES)...I WAS AT THE DR W/ MY GIRL WHICH WAS IN THE HOSPITAL...I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT 1030AM,HE WAS ON HIS WAY HOME...HE WANTED TO COME WAIT W/ US,I TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND GET SOME REST...I DON'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM...I TRIED TO CALL HIM AROUND 11, NO ANWER THEN I TEXT HIM TO CALL ME WHEN HE COULD,HE NEVER DID...MY GIRL WAS GOING TO GET HER BLOOD TAKEN...MY NEIGHBOR CALLED ME,SAID HE WAS WAITING FOR THE AMBULANCE,I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND...HE SAID MY HUBBY WAS SICK,I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER THAT MORNING...I HEARD THE EMT'S TALKING,I ASKED IF HE WAS BREATHING...I KNEW HE WAS GONE,BUT I DIDN'T WANT 2 BELIEVE IT...I STARTED SCREAMING CALL LIFE FLIGHT, THE LADY SAID THEY COULDN'T IF THERE WAS NO PULSE...I COULDN'T HEAR THE AMBULANCE,THEY PUT ME IN A WHEELCHAIR & TOOK ME 2 THE ER W/MY DAUGHTER,A LADY CAME AND TOOK MY DAUGHTER 2 THE CAFETERIA,THEY TOLD ME TO HAVE SOMEONE COME SIT W/ ME,I HAD NO FAMILY THAT LIVED CLOSE...I CALLED MY BOSS...I STOOD IN THE HALL OF THE ER,BUT NO AMBULANCE,THEY WANTED TO PUT ME IN A ROOM BUT I KNEW IF I WENT IN THERE THEY WOULD TELL ME HE WAS DEAD...A LADY CAME AND LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID,MARY WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR HUSBAND AND I NEED YOU NOT TO SEE HIM RIGHT NOW BUT I PROMISE I WILL COME AND GET YOU WHEN I CAN,PLEASE LISTEN TO ME...SO I DID,I SAT IN THAT ROOM BY MYSELF FOR WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT,I DON'T KNOW IF I PRAYED,I JUST SAT THERE...MY BOSS CAME IN,HE HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES AND HIS FACE WAS RED,I BEGGED HIM TO TELL ME WHAT HE KNEW,BUT HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW...BUT I KNEW,I TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS GONE,HE TOLD ME TO HAVE FAITH,BUT I HAD NONE.IT WASN'T LONG AND THE LADY OPENED THE DOOR,THERE WAS A DOCTOR AND A NURSE 2...MY BOSS HELD ONE HAND AND THE LADY HELD MY OTHER HAND,THEY ALL KNELT DOWN AND HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES AND TOLD ME THAT THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD BUT MY HUSBAND WAS GONE...THEY ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS,I DON'T KNOW IF I ASKED ANY...MY TEARS NEVER STOPPED...I WANTED TO SEE HIM.THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY HAD TO CLEAN HIM UP AND THEN I COULD.I HAD MY BOSS CALL MY HUSBANDS SISTER,SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME 2 THE HOSPITAL 2 HEAR THE NEWS,SO HE HAD 2 TELL HER OVER THE PHONE.THE LADY WENT WITH ME 2 SEE HIM,HE WAS DRAPED W/ A WHITE SHEET FROM HIS SHOULDERS DOWN,THERE WAS A BLUE TUBE COMING FROM HIS MOUTH,HIS EYES WERE SHUT BUT I COULD SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES,JUST A LITTLE,HE LOOKED BLOATED,HIS SHOES WERE ON,HIS PANTS WERE CUT ON BOTH LEGS AND SO WAS HIS SHIRT IT WAS HIS FAVORITE BROWN POLO...HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MAD,HE HAD AN IV IN HIS RIGHT HAND AND ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS NECK,HIS BALD HEAD WAS SPLOTHED WITH DARK RED AND PURPLE AND GOT DARKER WITH EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSED...I KISSED HIS FOREHEAD...HE WAS SO COLD,HE WAS HOT NATURED NORMALLY.I ASKED THE LADY 2 GET HIM ANOTHER BLANKET,AND SHE DID,I SAT ON HIS RIGHT SIDE AND HELD HIS HAND,JUST AS HE WOULD ALWAYS HOLD MINE,I SAW MY NAME TATTOED ON THE INSIDE OF HIS RIGHT WRIST.I LAYED MY HEAD ON HIS FOREARM HOPING HE WOULD MOVE,AND SEVERAL TIMES I THOUGHT HE DID...I COULD SEE HIS WHITE TEETH PLACED OVER THE BLUE TUBE AND THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HE WOULD MISS HIS DENTAL APPOINTMENT HE HAD SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT WEEK,I NEVER LET GO OF HIS HAND...I CLOSED MY EYES AND PICTURED THE FIRST DATE WE HAD,WE SAT ON A PIER AT THE LAKE LATE AT NIGHT AND TALKED ABOUT OUR KIDS AND HOW MUCH THEY MEANT 2 EACH OF US,I WONDERED WHAT I WAS GOING TO TELL OUR KIDS,SHOULD I WAIT,SHOULD I PICK THEM UP FROM SCHOOL,HOW DO I TELL 3 INNOCENT BABIES THEIR DADDY WAS GONE,I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE DIED.OUT OF NOWHERE I HEARD HIM TELL ME...GET THE BOYS,BUT I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM,SO I ASKED MY BOSS TO GET THEM...MY HUBBYS DAD AND BROTHER WALKED IN...THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,BUT I COULDN'T TELL THEM,I DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE WAS GONE...MY HUBBYS MOM CAME IN AND DEMANDED THEY TAKE OUT THE TUBE,THEN SCREAMED AT ME SAYING GET THAT WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHXX AWAY FROM HIM,SHE KILLED HIM...THE STAFF TOLD HER TO GET OUT,AND JUST LIKE THAT EVERYONE WAS GONE,IT WAS ONLY ME AND MY LOVE...I SAT THERE FOR 3 HOURS HOLDING HIS HAND,IT GOT COLDER AND COLDER,THEN THE JP CAME AND THE FUNERAL HOME CAME,THEY WANTED ME TO EMPTY HIS POCKETS AND TAKE OFF HIS WEDDING RING.WHEN I LET GO OF HIS HAND,IT FELL TO THE SIDE OF THE BED SO LIFELESS,I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,WHEN I GATHERED HIS THINGS,HIS PHONE STARTING RINGING,I DROPPED IT ON THE BED...I SAW THAT THE LAST TEXT I SENT TO HIM WASN'T OPENED,HE NEVER KNEW I CALLED HIM...I WALKED WITH HIM TILL THEY PUT HIM IN THE HEARSE,AND THEY DROVE AWAY.MY BOSS CAME AND GOT ME,HE HAD PICKED THE BOYS UP,THE KIDS WERE TOGETHER AT MY JOB...WHEN I GOT THERE,MY STEPSON WASN'T THERE...MY HUBBYS MOTHER AND BROTHER CAME AND TOOK HIM...I CALLED THE POLICE...WE HAD JUST WON TEMP CUSTODY OF HIM FROM HER...I SAT DOWN AND TOLD MY DAUGHTER AND SON HE WAS GONE,WE ALL CRIED FOR A LONG TIME...NOW MY HUBBYS PARENTS WONT TALK TO ME AND HAVE BEEN VICIOUS WITH WORDS AND HAVE KEPT MY STEP SON FROM SEEING ME AND MY KIDS,ALL BECAUSE OF AN INSURANCE POLICY...THEY CALLED MY HUBBYS EMPLOYER 3 HOURS AFTER HE DIED JUST TO SEE WHO THE BENEFICIARY WAS,HOW SAD IS THAT...I PROMISED MY HUBBY I WOULD LOOK AFTER MY STEPSON,IN MY EYES,I HAVE FAILED...WHAT DO I DO?

Mary, I truly do not have any answers for you but I wanted to say I hear you and feel your real pain. You are not alone. I am so glad you are here. I just lost my husband 10 and a half weeks ago unexpected and went through it alone and related to much of your pain. I know that the support on this site can only be of strength and hope from others who sadly wear the same shoes. HUGS...help us grow strong. Ellen~

mary baker said:

I LOST MY HUSBAND UNEXPECTEDLY 12/18/09.HIS SON WAS 7 WHEN HE PASSED, NOW 8, I HAVE A 9YR OLD BOY AND A 10YR OLD GIRL.WE HAD JUST WON TEMP. CUSTODY OF HIS SON ON 12/15/09...WE FINALLY HAD OUR FAMILY TOGETHER, BUT ONLY FOR A DAY...MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN ILL THAT DAY,AND THE 3 DAYS B4 AND OUR BOYS WERE AT SCHOOL (CHRISTMAS PARTY DAY),MY NEIGHBOR HAD TAKEN MY HUBBY 2 THE DOCTOR THAT MORNING FOR SOME INJECTIONS IN HIS BACK (HE WAS INJURED ON HIS JOB IN 9/09 AND HAD BEEN DEALING W/ BACK INJURIES)...I WAS AT THE DR W/ MY GIRL WHICH WAS IN THE HOSPITAL...I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT 1030AM,HE WAS ON HIS WAY HOME...HE WANTED TO COME WAIT W/ US,I TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND GET SOME REST...I DON'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM...I TRIED TO CALL HIM AROUND 11, NO ANWER THEN I TEXT HIM TO CALL ME WHEN HE COULD,HE NEVER DID...MY GIRL WAS GOING TO GET HER BLOOD TAKEN...MY NEIGHBOR CALLED ME,SAID HE WAS WAITING FOR THE AMBULANCE,I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND...HE SAID MY HUBBY WAS SICK,I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER THAT MORNING...I HEARD THE EMT'S TALKING,I ASKED IF HE WAS BREATHING...I KNEW HE WAS GONE,BUT I DIDN'T WANT 2 BELIEVE IT...I STARTED SCREAMING CALL LIFE FLIGHT, THE LADY SAID THEY COULDN'T IF THERE WAS NO PULSE...I COULDN'T HEAR THE AMBULANCE,THEY PUT ME IN A WHEELCHAIR & TOOK ME 2 THE ER W/MY DAUGHTER,A LADY CAME AND TOOK MY DAUGHTER 2 THE CAFETERIA,THEY TOLD ME TO HAVE SOMEONE COME SIT W/ ME,I HAD NO FAMILY THAT LIVED CLOSE...I CALLED MY BOSS...I STOOD IN THE HALL OF THE ER,BUT NO AMBULANCE,THEY WANTED TO PUT ME IN A ROOM BUT I KNEW IF I WENT IN THERE THEY WOULD TELL ME HE WAS DEAD...A LADY CAME AND LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID,MARY WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR HUSBAND AND I NEED YOU NOT TO SEE HIM RIGHT NOW BUT I PROMISE I WILL COME AND GET YOU WHEN I CAN,PLEASE LISTEN TO ME...SO I DID,I SAT IN THAT ROOM BY MYSELF FOR WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT,I DON'T KNOW IF I PRAYED,I JUST SAT THERE...MY BOSS CAME IN,HE HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES AND HIS FACE WAS RED,I BEGGED HIM TO TELL ME WHAT HE KNEW,BUT HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW...BUT I KNEW,I TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS GONE,HE TOLD ME TO HAVE FAITH,BUT I HAD NONE.IT WASN'T LONG AND THE LADY OPENED THE DOOR,THERE WAS A DOCTOR AND A NURSE 2...MY BOSS HELD ONE HAND AND THE LADY HELD MY OTHER HAND,THEY ALL KNELT DOWN AND HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES AND TOLD ME THAT THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD BUT MY HUSBAND WAS GONE...THEY ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS,I DON'T KNOW IF I ASKED ANY...MY TEARS NEVER STOPPED...I WANTED TO SEE HIM.THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY HAD TO CLEAN HIM UP AND THEN I COULD.I HAD MY BOSS CALL MY HUSBANDS SISTER,SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME 2 THE HOSPITAL 2 HEAR THE NEWS,SO HE HAD 2 TELL HER OVER THE PHONE.THE LADY WENT WITH ME 2 SEE HIM,HE WAS DRAPED W/ A WHITE SHEET FROM HIS SHOULDERS DOWN,THERE WAS A BLUE TUBE COMING FROM HIS MOUTH,HIS EYES WERE SHUT BUT I COULD SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES,JUST A LITTLE,HE LOOKED BLOATED,HIS SHOES WERE ON,HIS PANTS WERE CUT ON BOTH LEGS AND SO WAS HIS SHIRT IT WAS HIS FAVORITE BROWN POLO...HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MAD,HE HAD AN IV IN HIS RIGHT HAND AND ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS NECK,HIS BALD HEAD WAS SPLOTHED WITH DARK RED AND PURPLE AND GOT DARKER WITH EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSED...I KISSED HIS FOREHEAD...HE WAS SO COLD,HE WAS HOT NATURED NORMALLY.I ASKED THE LADY 2 GET HIM ANOTHER BLANKET,AND SHE DID,I SAT ON HIS RIGHT SIDE AND HELD HIS HAND,JUST AS HE WOULD ALWAYS HOLD MINE,I SAW MY NAME TATTOED ON THE INSIDE OF HIS RIGHT WRIST.I LAYED MY HEAD ON HIS FOREARM HOPING HE WOULD MOVE,AND SEVERAL TIMES I THOUGHT HE DID...I COULD SEE HIS WHITE TEETH PLACED OVER THE BLUE TUBE AND THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HE WOULD MISS HIS DENTAL APPOINTMENT HE HAD SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT WEEK,I NEVER LET GO OF HIS HAND...I CLOSED MY EYES AND PICTURED THE FIRST DATE WE HAD,WE SAT ON A PIER AT THE LAKE LATE AT NIGHT AND TALKED ABOUT OUR KIDS AND HOW MUCH THEY MEANT 2 EACH OF US,I WONDERED WHAT I WAS GOING TO TELL OUR KIDS,SHOULD I WAIT,SHOULD I PICK THEM UP FROM SCHOOL,HOW DO I TELL 3 INNOCENT BABIES THEIR DADDY WAS GONE,I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE DIED.OUT OF NOWHERE I HEARD HIM TELL ME...GET THE BOYS,BUT I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM,SO I ASKED MY BOSS TO GET THEM...MY HUBBYS DAD AND BROTHER WALKED IN...THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,BUT I COULDN'T TELL THEM,I DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE WAS GONE...MY HUBBYS MOM CAME IN AND DEMANDED THEY TAKE OUT THE TUBE,THEN SCREAMED AT ME SAYING GET THAT WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHXX AWAY FROM HIM,SHE KILLED HIM...THE STAFF TOLD HER TO GET OUT,AND JUST LIKE THAT EVERYONE WAS GONE,IT WAS ONLY ME AND MY LOVE...I SAT THERE FOR 3 HOURS HOLDING HIS HAND,IT GOT COLDER AND COLDER,THEN THE JP CAME AND THE FUNERAL HOME CAME,THEY WANTED ME TO EMPTY HIS POCKETS AND TAKE OFF HIS WEDDING RING.WHEN I LET GO OF HIS HAND,IT FELL TO THE SIDE OF THE BED SO LIFELESS,I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,WHEN I GATHERED HIS THINGS,HIS PHONE STARTING RINGING,I DROPPED IT ON THE BED...I SAW THAT THE LAST TEXT I SENT TO HIM WASN'T OPENED,HE NEVER KNEW I CALLED HIM...I WALKED WITH HIM TILL THEY PUT HIM IN THE HEARSE,AND THEY DROVE AWAY.MY BOSS CAME AND GOT ME,HE HAD PICKED THE BOYS UP,THE KIDS WERE TOGETHER AT MY JOB...WHEN I GOT THERE,MY STEPSON WASN'T THERE...MY HUBBYS MOTHER AND BROTHER CAME AND TOOK HIM...I CALLED THE POLICE...WE HAD JUST WON TEMP CUSTODY OF HIM FROM HER...I SAT DOWN AND TOLD MY DAUGHTER AND SON HE WAS GONE,WE ALL CRIED FOR A LONG TIME...NOW MY HUBBYS PARENTS WONT TALK TO ME AND HAVE BEEN VICIOUS WITH WORDS AND HAVE KEPT MY STEP SON FROM SEEING ME AND MY KIDS,ALL BECAUSE OF AN INSURANCE POLICY...THEY CALLED MY HUBBYS EMPLOYER 3 HOURS AFTER HE DIED JUST TO SEE WHO THE BENEFICIARY WAS,HOW SAD IS THAT...I PROMISED MY HUBBY I WOULD LOOK AFTER MY STEPSON,IN MY EYES,I HAVE FAILED...WHAT DO I DO?

I am new here, and this is the second time I have spoke to anyone, so I hope my words come out right...As I read through the posts, I can relate to the ones who have been abandoned by their spouse's family for I have too.  I can also relate to the anger I have towards my husbands family for being so cold-hearted.  I was not close to my hubby's family towards the end of his life, but both my disgust and my husbands hurt feelings towards them was well justified.  His mother gave mu husband an ultimadam, if he choose me it was a battle and if he choose her she would give him his son...We had been in a legal battle for custody of his son from my husbands mother for 6 months. 2 days before he passed away we won temp custody of him, but the blows his mother took at my hubby was unforgivable.  I had realized what type of people his mother and father were well before my husband did, but they were his parents, and he wanted to believe that they had his and his son's best interest at heart.  After court, when we were driving back home, he began to cry (which he had only done twice before).  He had finally realized that his mother wasn't looking to better his or his sons life, but her own wallet.  For once in my life I wanted to be wrong about what I had predicted, but I was dead on.  The last words she told him was that she would have his son back within 2 weeks or she would put a bullet between his eyes...He died from a blot clot 2 days later.

Even after he passed away she tried to prevent me from planning his funeral...I am his wife!!  She argued about his wishes to be cremated, to be a donor, if there would be a viewing, when his funeral would be, even about what would be done with his ashes!  Out of respect to his family and his son, I choose not to split his ashes and to bury them at the foot of one of his brothers in a plot they owned.  Now they won't even let me put a stone on his grave because they own it!!! 

Up until the day after his funeral, I spoke with my husband's sister and brother over the phone quite often.  Then all of the sudden, I was told by one of his brothers that the "family" wants nothing to do with me and my children.  My stepson was placed in his maternal mothers care and my children and I were granted 2 one hour supervised visits a month, and I hadn't done anything wrong to have to be "supervised".  My stepson's mother has recently gained temp custody of him now and refuses to allow us any type of contact with him.

What makes me the most angry is how when my hubby was alive, they had nothing positive to say about him and didn't give him the time of day, unless they benefited from it.  They now post messages on facebook saying how wonderful of a man and father he was...if they really felt that way about him, why did we go thru a 6 month custody battle over his son? 

I just don't understand.  I know who how they treated our family and the lengths they would go to, so why is it that I want them to keep in touch with me?  This just doesn't make any sense to me...I feel like they have a huge influence on how hard it is for me to accept what has happened.  My desire to live is not here anymore.  I know that my kids need me, and I know that I am no good to them right now.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I miss my hubby terriblely.  I feel like I have a heart, but its not beating.

Mary



mary baker said:

I am new here, and this is the second time I have spoke to anyone, so I hope my words come out right...As I read through the posts, I can relate to the ones who have been abandoned by their spouse's family for I have too.  I can also relate to the anger I have towards my husbands family for being so cold-hearted.  I was not close to my hubby's family towards the end of his life, but both my disgust and my husbands hurt feelings towards them was well justified.  His mother gave mu husband an ultimadam, if he choose me it was a battle and if he choose her she would give him his son...We had been in a legal battle for custody of his son from my husbands mother for 6 months. 2 days before he passed away we won temp custody of him, but the blows his mother took at my hubby was unforgivable.  I had realized what type of people his mother and father were well before my husband did, but they were his parents, and he wanted to believe that they had his and his son's best interest at heart.  After court, when we were driving back home, he began to cry (which he had only done twice before).  He had finally realized that his mother wasn't looking to better his or his sons life, but her own wallet.  For once in my life I wanted to be wrong about what I had predicted, but I was dead on.  The last words she told him was that she would have his son back within 2 weeks or she would put a bullet between his eyes...He died from a blot clot 2 days later.

Even after he passed away she tried to prevent me from planning his funeral...I am his wife!!  She argued about his wishes to be cremated, to be a donor, if there would be a viewing, when his funeral would be, even about what would be done with his ashes!  Out of respect to his family and his son, I choose not to split his ashes and to bury them at the foot of one of his brothers in a plot they owned.  Now they won't even let me put a stone on his grave because they own it!!! 

Up until the day after his funeral, I spoke with my husband's sister and brother over the phone quite often.  Then all of the sudden, I was told by one of his brothers that the "family" wants nothing to do with me and my children.  My stepson was placed in his maternal mothers care and my children and I were granted 2 one hour supervised visits a month, and I hadn't done anything wrong to have to be "supervised".  My stepson's mother has recently gained temp custody of him now and refuses to allow us any type of contact with him.

What makes me the most angry is how when my hubby was alive, they had nothing positive to say about him and didn't give him the time of day, unless they benefited from it.  They now post messages on facebook saying how wonderful of a man and father he was...if they really felt that way about him, why did we go thru a 6 month custody battle over his son? 

I just don't understand.  I know who how they treated our family and the lengths they would go to, so why is it that I want them to keep in touch with me?  This just doesn't make any sense to me...I feel like they have a huge influence on how hard it is for me to accept what has happened.  My desire to live is not here anymore.  I know that my kids need me, and I know that I am no good to them right now.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I miss my hubby terriblely.  I feel like I have a heart, but its not beating.

Mary


Mary,

My heart is breaking for you. In some ways your story is very similar to mine. I also lost my husband suddenly and his 12 yr. old son had been living with us just over 1 yr. & I had to give him up as well. Larry's family instantly saw $ signs & saw a lawyer only 3 days after burying him! They didn't mention it to me at all until after the fact. Larry & I were not legally wed- it's complicated, but his family went from addressing me as Larry's wife for more than 5 yrs. to completely shutting me out. We live in a small community & people who know all of us are disgusted with the money hungry behavior his family is displaying & the ingratitude they showed to friends that brought food over after his death- No thank you's were expressed verbally or by card! They make me sick. I want to move but can't because of my job. This is a horrible experience to live through. I will be praying for you and all the children. Christy

mary baker said:

I LOST MY HUSBAND UNEXPECTEDLY 12/18/09.HIS SON WAS 7 WHEN HE PASSED, NOW 8, I HAVE A 9YR OLD BOY AND A 10YR OLD GIRL.WE HAD JUST WON TEMP. CUSTODY OF HIS SON ON 12/15/09...WE FINALLY HAD OUR FAMILY TOGETHER, BUT ONLY FOR A DAY...MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN ILL THAT DAY,AND THE 3 DAYS B4 AND OUR BOYS WERE AT SCHOOL (CHRISTMAS PARTY DAY),MY NEIGHBOR HAD TAKEN MY HUBBY 2 THE DOCTOR THAT MORNING FOR SOME INJECTIONS IN HIS BACK (HE WAS INJURED ON HIS JOB IN 9/09 AND HAD BEEN DEALING W/ BACK INJURIES)...I WAS AT THE DR W/ MY GIRL WHICH WAS IN THE HOSPITAL...I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT 1030AM,HE WAS ON HIS WAY HOME...HE WANTED TO COME WAIT W/ US,I TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND GET SOME REST...I DON'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM...I TRIED TO CALL HIM AROUND 11, NO ANWER THEN I TEXT HIM TO CALL ME WHEN HE COULD,HE NEVER DID...MY GIRL WAS GOING TO GET HER BLOOD TAKEN...MY NEIGHBOR CALLED ME,SAID HE WAS WAITING FOR THE AMBULANCE,I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND...HE SAID MY HUBBY WAS SICK,I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER THAT MORNING...I HEARD THE EMT'S TALKING,I ASKED IF HE WAS BREATHING...I KNEW HE WAS GONE,BUT I DIDN'T WANT 2 BELIEVE IT...I STARTED SCREAMING CALL LIFE FLIGHT, THE LADY SAID THEY COULDN'T IF THERE WAS NO PULSE...I COULDN'T HEAR THE AMBULANCE,THEY PUT ME IN A WHEELCHAIR & TOOK ME 2 THE ER W/MY DAUGHTER,A LADY CAME AND TOOK MY DAUGHTER 2 THE CAFETERIA,THEY TOLD ME TO HAVE SOMEONE COME SIT W/ ME,I HAD NO FAMILY THAT LIVED CLOSE...I CALLED MY BOSS...I STOOD IN THE HALL OF THE ER,BUT NO AMBULANCE,THEY WANTED TO PUT ME IN A ROOM BUT I KNEW IF I WENT IN THERE THEY WOULD TELL ME HE WAS DEAD...A LADY CAME AND LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID,MARY WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR HUSBAND AND I NEED YOU NOT TO SEE HIM RIGHT NOW BUT I PROMISE I WILL COME AND GET YOU WHEN I CAN,PLEASE LISTEN TO ME...SO I DID,I SAT IN THAT ROOM BY MYSELF FOR WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT,I DON'T KNOW IF I PRAYED,I JUST SAT THERE...MY BOSS CAME IN,HE HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES AND HIS FACE WAS RED,I BEGGED HIM TO TELL ME WHAT HE KNEW,BUT HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW...BUT I KNEW,I TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS GONE,HE TOLD ME TO HAVE FAITH,BUT I HAD NONE.IT WASN'T LONG AND THE LADY OPENED THE DOOR,THERE WAS A DOCTOR AND A NURSE 2...MY BOSS HELD ONE HAND AND THE LADY HELD MY OTHER HAND,THEY ALL KNELT DOWN AND HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES AND TOLD ME THAT THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD BUT MY HUSBAND WAS GONE...THEY ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS,I DON'T KNOW IF I ASKED ANY...MY TEARS NEVER STOPPED...I WANTED TO SEE HIM.THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY HAD TO CLEAN HIM UP AND THEN I COULD.I HAD MY BOSS CALL MY HUSBANDS SISTER,SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME 2 THE HOSPITAL 2 HEAR THE NEWS,SO HE HAD 2 TELL HER OVER THE PHONE.THE LADY WENT WITH ME 2 SEE HIM,HE WAS DRAPED W/ A WHITE SHEET FROM HIS SHOULDERS DOWN,THERE WAS A BLUE TUBE COMING FROM HIS MOUTH,HIS EYES WERE SHUT BUT I COULD SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES,JUST A LITTLE,HE LOOKED BLOATED,HIS SHOES WERE ON,HIS PANTS WERE CUT ON BOTH LEGS AND SO WAS HIS SHIRT IT WAS HIS FAVORITE BROWN POLO...HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MAD,HE HAD AN IV IN HIS RIGHT HAND AND ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS NECK,HIS BALD HEAD WAS SPLOTHED WITH DARK RED AND PURPLE AND GOT DARKER WITH EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSED...I KISSED HIS FOREHEAD...HE WAS SO COLD,HE WAS HOT NATURED NORMALLY.I ASKED THE LADY 2 GET HIM ANOTHER BLANKET,AND SHE DID,I SAT ON HIS RIGHT SIDE AND HELD HIS HAND,JUST AS HE WOULD ALWAYS HOLD MINE,I SAW MY NAME TATTOED ON THE INSIDE OF HIS RIGHT WRIST.I LAYED MY HEAD ON HIS FOREARM HOPING HE WOULD MOVE,AND SEVERAL TIMES I THOUGHT HE DID...I COULD SEE HIS WHITE TEETH PLACED OVER THE BLUE TUBE AND THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HE WOULD MISS HIS DENTAL APPOINTMENT HE HAD SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT WEEK,I NEVER LET GO OF HIS HAND...I CLOSED MY EYES AND PICTURED THE FIRST DATE WE HAD,WE SAT ON A PIER AT THE LAKE LATE AT NIGHT AND TALKED ABOUT OUR KIDS AND HOW MUCH THEY MEANT 2 EACH OF US,I WONDERED WHAT I WAS GOING TO TELL OUR KIDS,SHOULD I WAIT,SHOULD I PICK THEM UP FROM SCHOOL,HOW DO I TELL 3 INNOCENT BABIES THEIR DADDY WAS GONE,I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE DIED.OUT OF NOWHERE I HEARD HIM TELL ME...GET THE BOYS,BUT I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM,SO I ASKED MY BOSS TO GET THEM...MY HUBBYS DAD AND BROTHER WALKED IN...THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,BUT I COULDN'T TELL THEM,I DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE WAS GONE...MY HUBBYS MOM CAME IN AND DEMANDED THEY TAKE OUT THE TUBE,THEN SCREAMED AT ME SAYING GET THAT WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHXX AWAY FROM HIM,SHE KILLED HIM...THE STAFF TOLD HER TO GET OUT,AND JUST LIKE THAT EVERYONE WAS GONE,IT WAS ONLY ME AND MY LOVE...I SAT THERE FOR 3 HOURS HOLDING HIS HAND,IT GOT COLDER AND COLDER,THEN THE JP CAME AND THE FUNERAL HOME CAME,THEY WANTED ME TO EMPTY HIS POCKETS AND TAKE OFF HIS WEDDING RING.WHEN I LET GO OF HIS HAND,IT FELL TO THE SIDE OF THE BED SO LIFELESS,I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,WHEN I GATHERED HIS THINGS,HIS PHONE STARTING RINGING,I DROPPED IT ON THE BED...I SAW THAT THE LAST TEXT I SENT TO HIM WASN'T OPENED,HE NEVER KNEW I CALLED HIM...I WALKED WITH HIM TILL THEY PUT HIM IN THE HEARSE,AND THEY DROVE AWAY.MY BOSS CAME AND GOT ME,HE HAD PICKED THE BOYS UP,THE KIDS WERE TOGETHER AT MY JOB...WHEN I GOT THERE,MY STEPSON WASN'T THERE...MY HUBBYS MOTHER AND BROTHER CAME AND TOOK HIM...I CALLED THE POLICE...WE HAD JUST WON TEMP CUSTODY OF HIM FROM HER...I SAT DOWN AND TOLD MY DAUGHTER AND SON HE WAS GONE,WE ALL CRIED FOR A LONG TIME...NOW MY HUBBYS PARENTS WONT TALK TO ME AND HAVE BEEN VICIOUS WITH WORDS AND HAVE KEPT MY STEP SON FROM SEEING ME AND MY KIDS,ALL BECAUSE OF AN INSURANCE POLICY...THEY CALLED MY HUBBYS EMPLOYER 3 HOURS AFTER HE DIED JUST TO SEE WHO THE BENEFICIARY WAS,HOW SAD IS THAT...I PROMISED MY HUBBY I WOULD LOOK AFTER MY STEPSON,IN MY EYES,I HAVE FAILED...WHAT DO I DO?

I'm fortunate to have my wifes' family there for me if I need them.  I stay in touch with my wifes' sister and brother. I 've exchanged Xmas cards with them. This relationship has helped me and maybe helping them. They all are my family as it should be and I'm sorry to hear that some of you don't have this special family relationship. Hugs to all. Ed

 

Barb..I would say if you send a card and letter you will reach deaf ears.  My husbands family has had very limited contact with me and my children since Frank died in June.  His brother has not contacted us once since the funeral.  My kids are young...their birthdays have come and gone and not even a card sent to them.  I had hoped that he would have stepped up to be there for my kids since they lost their dad but nothing.  I vented to my mother in law and her reply was "the phone goes both ways" and I should call him.  Who lost who here?  Barb..I have come to the realization that you cant make people care if they dont.  I guess my kids are better off to not have them in their lives than to have them and they not really care or be sincere.  Im angry and hurt too but if they get to us then they have won.  My mother in law told me I have to move on..how does someone say that about their own son?  I just dont get people.  Maybe it would make you feel better to write the letter and just not mail it.  If you send it, it could blow up into a big confrontation or maybe they are waiting for you to make the move.  you have to do whats right for you.  Me...I dont let a fly go by my nose.  I am not saying thats a good quality but I feel now I have nothing to loose so I open my mouth and vent.  Maybe its deep anger coming out...I dont know.  It just really makes me mad off when rotten ignorant people walk the earth and my Frank who wouldnt hurt a fly is gone.  There is no logic!!!!!!! I wish you peace and dont ever let anyone make you feel bad! Your better than that!!!  Renee

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