Feeling Horrible.

I just need to get this out, as I understand we are all in pain and trying to feel relief, we are all on our own individual place of grieving. In a way I really didn't want to post, but I am feeling horrible. I remember saying before that it's just another day today, and I still believe that, and I also really hate to whine and complain and b*tch but I have been having gut-wrenching tears the night of Christmas Eve, even after talking and carrying on like everything is "normal" when I know it's not, after 'my' 2 sons and their wives and 6 grandchildren left, I couldn't get to sleep and cried in the morning when I woke alone, thinking of the first 25 years of our marriage that at this time I would be cooking the 22 lb. turkey and placing the wrapped presents under the tree, (that we haven't put up in the last 9 years) making the stuffing that Danny used to help me with the night before because it took 2 or 3 hours to make, and baking sweet breads and buying groceries and he and I being a little snappy with each other because a little too much money was spent or everyone didn't always get here on time. But, the moment we all ate dinner after saying grace, it was all love and joy and peace. Not today. The memories haunt me. When I woke up alone and opened the one gift I saved aside that one of Dan's sisters gave me and it was a few feminine very sweet and touching gifts she so carefully wrapped inside of a lit-up Elvis stocking that sang "I'll have a Blue Christmas" because Danny once used to sing along with Elvis songs (he never liked receiving memorabilia or Elvis' movies) so of course I burst into tears. I just feel like life is over for me, but Dan's sister is a sweetheart, I would never say anything to her. Now, because of the place I am in at this particular moment I am mad, I am angry, I am filled with self-pity, I don't care about anything, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I really do know that everyone is feeling it too, but it seems like I am so alone. Right now, I hate living, I hate people laughing, and being joyful. I have been crying during Christmas day. I actually kicked a cardboard box. I never did that before. The box never did anything to me and neither did any of these joy-filled people and yet I can't stop feeling nothing but horrible. I guess that's what grief does to some people. Two days before Christmas I received the letter I had been dreading that in six months when a one bedroom apt. becomes available I have to leave the only secure place Danny and I resided in and our 2 sons grew up in and have been here for 30 years. I even had a letter from my doctor and therapist and a 3-page letter I myself wrote explaining in detail what Dan has been through in the last 3 years all to no avail. The ones who makes these decisions in the corporate office said they know the death of a spouse is so devastating and gave me 6 months. Wasn't that nice of them, a nice little Christmas present, huh? I am so mad. I never wanted to leave here. I know it's true that others have lost their house and security and worse things have happened and I feel for them, but I really really really wanted to continue to live here with his presence and memories as hard as it was, it will be all that much harder living alone without this safe haven I had. It's really true that it is better to be happy with what we have when we have it. Because the nice comfy rug can be pulled from beneath us when we least expect it. Now I feel I will be right back where I started and losing Danny all over again. I am so bummed. Just had to get this out. I'm all stressed out but it helped to tell someone about this. I don't want to tell anyone in my family as I'll be so humiliated as I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to move. At least I have 6 months to get rid of what I don't need. But, I'll be taking all of Danny's clothes and possessions wherever I go. I don't care what anyone says. When I'm calmer I'll get back to you all. Hope you are all doing better. Thanks for reading this.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 25, 2010 at 10:32pm

Suzanne, Thanks for posting. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are in my prayers. I cried today and hugged the urn where Doug's ashes will one day reside. The pain is incredible. YOUR plate is very full so please do be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you. Hugs and Prayers. Ellen~

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on December 25, 2010 at 10:59pm

Suzanne, That's what we are here for, so we can scream, holler, cry,whatever it takes, to get these rotten feelings out. To have people who understand our pain. Maybe something will change in 6 months and you won't have to move. You know how these corporations are,"say one thing, do another". Hope that will be the case for you. My day today wasn't the best either, wish I had found some cardboard to kick around. Hope life starts getting better for us. We are going through one of the roughest part of life, you'd think we could catch a break. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care Suzanne --- I'm here to listen. Hugs.

Permalink Reply by Floss on December 26, 2010 at 6:45am

Hi Suzanne, just reading your letter, it felt as if it was me, in a lot of ways. The only difference I will say is, I just cant wait to get out of my house. I cant stand being here, I get out nearly everyday, and feel so sad when I am here. OMG I am just like you in everyway, except my house, I just wish I could go to sleep, and wake up, and I am in another place, I have no motivation, to even get started, it just seems so hard.
I just send you lots and lots of hug, and hope we can all just try one day at a time. It is only six months, that I lost my mate, of over fifty years, and it is so hard, as I think of him everyday, Christmas day was the hardest. I wish you well.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on December 26, 2010 at 8:31am

Suzanne, my prayers are with you also. So sorry you are going to have to move. I so hope everything works out for you. You vent all you need too. We are here for you....

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on December 26, 2010 at 8:12pm

Suzanne, I am so sorry you are feeling so angry especially at this time of the year. I know the feeling of not wanting to die, but not wanting to live. When my Joe passed, I finally knew how my mother felt. She was a young widow my father passed away when my mom was only 45 years old and even though my sisters were still very young and she moved forward with life she never loved another. When my mom was 65 she became ill (she passed from lung cancer with-in 6 months of telling my sisters and I). After her death my sisters and I knew she had kept her illness a secret for a long time, (her lung cancer could have been treated if done sooner). But anyway, I knew when Joe left that she didn't tell us because she was ready to be with my dad and that was the only way she could be. I dream of the day when it will be my turn and I will be able to be with Joe again. I long for the sound of his voice and the feel of him next to me, and I can't wait for that day, but my daughters still need me now as much as i need them and that is the new chapter of my life. I am so sorry about the house too, I know what being in your own home means I have lived in my same home for 25 years and couldn't bare the thought of not being here anymore. My prayers are with you Suzanne and I am glad you were able to vent, I hope you find peace in your life.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on December 26, 2010 at 8:12pm

Permalink Reply by eileen parrinello on December 26, 2010 at 8:30pm

I am soo sorry for your loss. I know how you feel I lost my husband 7 months ago. Its a long story so to make it short. we moved to nj from ny to be nearer to the cancer hosp. we lost our house in ny while renting in nj & now that he is gone I have soo many bills. bad enough the pain I feel without him but it feels worse with all the money problems on top of this. If it was just me I wont care, but I have two teenage sons.Five years ago I felt like I was sitting on top of the world& now you can imagine. I like when people tell me to get out & to do this & this. I am lucky I can pay my bills.I know this is a place to vent, but the hosp that was to save his life not only lied but handing me thousands of dollars worth of bills weeks before Christmas. I totally understand how you feel. my husband while he was in hospice worried so much about all the bills, I said, not to worry all I need is you.I f only I can have one more chance to talk with him.I am sorry that I am going on & on. What I am trying to say, is that losing someone so dear to you & then being hit hard with bills it feels like you cant breathe. I feel that my husband is now my angel looking down & will look over esp his boys & still take care of us...

Permalink Reply by Jerry on December 26, 2010 at 8:37pm

Hello Suzanne, I had been doing somewhat well l over the past few months, but once Christmas came around things got tough. It may be that it is getting close to the one year date of my wifes passing,or the memories of last Christmas when she was just only able to lay in bed,and had lost all her vision due to cancer. This is the best place to let your feelings out,since all here are going through similar situations. I know what you feel about your husbands possesions, I still have everthing that was my wifes in the same place they were before she passed. An old freind of hers called me last week and offered to help me get rid of her stuff,I told her it was not neded since I have no intention of doing so. Peace to you,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Connie on December 27, 2010 at 6:14pm

Suzanne, Christmas just isn't Christmas if you cannot be with the one person in the world that you love more than anyone else. Because we have children and grandchildren, we need to pretend that things are okay and we are enjoying the holidays. I spent Christmas Eve with my daughter's and grandchildren and then Christmas Day we were all at my middle daughter's house for Christmas with the whole family. The kids enjoy opening their presents and my children are very good to me and buy me whatever they think I want. Unfortunately, after this is all over, I come home to an empty house again. (They have asked me to move in with them and I say NO!) I sit and remember and see my husband every where that I look. I just wish he were here with me so that we could disagree on how much money was spent on the kids, or that the fish wasn't cooked just right. I miss those days so much. I am so sorry for you that you had to have the first anniversary of Danny's passing just before Christmas. I didn't realize that it was at that time.

I have thought of selling my house so that I would not have to come home to an empty house but then I think, if I do that, I will just come home to an empty apartment. I'm not sure if it matters where I am if I am not with him. On Christmas Eve, I got a letter from a medical equipment supply company asking me to send back a piece of equipment that my husband had been using. I am not sure that I even have this any longer and I appreciate the fact that they could wait 13 months and send it on Christmas Eve. Do they really think I need any reminders? Could it not wait until January 1st? People do not think what they are doing and how and when they are doing it.

Suzanne, somehow we are going to get through this. I am not sure how and I am not even sure that I want to. I just wait for the day when I am by his side again.

Please know that you are always in my prayers and I don't know how, but somehow we will get by.

Please call me if you would like to talk.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on December 27, 2010 at 6:41pm

Thank you for your replies. Just to explain I have to move into a 1 bedroom apartment when one becomes available after July 1, 2011 in the same building where I now am a tenant because it's all about the money to the business world, not compassion. It's been 30 years that my husband and I and our 2 sons stayed here and according to the regulations I am overhoused. It's like the letters I had faxed meant nothing to the corporate office and I have no say in the decision that was made for me. I would rather pass away in the same apartment that my husband did but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I guess what I want is not in the grand scheme of life. I am utterly disappointed at the outcome and I still feel horrible but you all are very compassionate and understanding so I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Thank you all for your words of comfort.
God bless,

Floss,

Thank you for your understanding and I just wanted to explain that living here was a comfort because the farther away I get means it's that much farther back in the past that Danny was still here with me. I know what you mean about the memories. I don't want to remember the good because it makes my heart ache and I don't want to say goodbye which is what in essence I feel I will be doing when my safe haven here is not secured but strangers would be living here. I'm just so overwhelmed but I know we all are and I thank you again. God bless you.

Connie,

I just wanted to say that on December 22 it was 11 months and on January 22, 2011 it will be a year that Danny has passed. It was just 2 days before Christmas that the letter came about giving me another 6 months. It's hard to remember everyone's story, but I know we all understand the pain which is the same for everyone. I always feel better after you and everyone replies and I feel very fortunate that I can vent here and I thank you again for your support and words of comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Jeri Grauman on December 27, 2010 at 7:17pm

I too share the anger.....and I don't care what anyone says....I AM ALONE>>>>

Permalink Reply by Connie on December 27, 2010 at 9:47pm

Suzanne said:

Thank you for your replies. Just to explain I have to move into a 1 bedroom apartment when one becomes available after July 1, 2011 in the same building where I now am a tenant because it's all about the money to the business world, not compassion. It's been 30 years that my husband and I and our 2 sons stayed here and according to the regulations I am overhoused. It's like the letters I had faxed meant nothing to the corporate office and I have no say in the decision that was made for me. I would rather pass away in the same apartment that my husband did but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I guess what I want is not in the grand scheme of life. I am utterly disappointed at the outcome and I still feel horrible but you all are very compassionate and understanding so I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Thank you all for your words of comfort.
God bless,

Floss,

Thank you for your understanding and I just wanted to explain that living here was a comfort because the farther away I get means it's that much farther back in the past that Danny was still here with me. I know what you mean about the memories. I don't want to remember the good because it makes my heart ache and I don't want to say goodbye which is what in essence I feel I will be doing when my safe haven here is not secured but strangers would be living here. I'm just so overwhelmed but I know we all are and I thank you again. God bless you.

Connie,

I just wanted to say that on December 22 it was 11 months and on January 22, 2011 it will be a year that Danny has passed. It was just 2 days before Christmas that the letter came about giving me another 6 months. It's hard to remember everyone's story, but I know we all understand the pain which is the same for everyone. I always feel better after you and everyone replies and I feel very fortunate that I can vent here and I thank you again for your support and words of comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

God bless,

Suzanne

Sorry, Suzanne, I guess I have too many things on my mind at the moment and didn't read correctly. I apologize for that. These businesses have nothing but $$$$$ on their mind and they have no compassion for anyone's feelings or grief. It is just money to them and I just hope that one day they don't have to go through what they are doing to you. Somehow, Someway, we will get by. I think of you often but haven't had much time to get on the computer lately and there are so many names on this site that I don't know, that I kind of don't get on very often anymore. You are in my prayers.