Feeling Horrible.

I just need to get this out, as I understand we are all in pain and trying to feel relief, we are all on our own individual place of grieving. In a way I really didn't want to post, but I am feeling horrible. I remember saying before that it's just another day today, and I still believe that, and I also really hate to whine and complain and b*tch but I have been having gut-wrenching tears the night of Christmas Eve, even after talking and carrying on like everything is "normal" when I know it's not, after 'my' 2 sons and their wives and 6 grandchildren left, I couldn't get to sleep and cried in the morning when I woke alone, thinking of the first 25 years of our marriage that at this time I would be cooking the 22 lb. turkey and placing the wrapped presents under the tree, (that we haven't put up in the last 9 years) making the stuffing that Danny used to help me with the night before because it took 2 or 3 hours to make, and baking sweet breads and buying groceries and he and I being a little snappy with each other because a little too much money was spent or everyone didn't always get here on time. But, the moment we all ate dinner after saying grace, it was all love and joy and peace. Not today. The memories haunt me. When I woke up alone and opened the one gift I saved aside that one of Dan's sisters gave me and it was a few feminine very sweet and touching gifts she so carefully wrapped inside of a lit-up Elvis stocking that sang "I'll have a Blue Christmas" because Danny once used to sing along with Elvis songs (he never liked receiving memorabilia or Elvis' movies) so of course I burst into tears. I just feel like life is over for me, but Dan's sister is a sweetheart, I would never say anything to her. Now, because of the place I am in at this particular moment I am mad, I am angry, I am filled with self-pity, I don't care about anything, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I really do know that everyone is feeling it too, but it seems like I am so alone. Right now, I hate living, I hate people laughing, and being joyful. I have been crying during Christmas day. I actually kicked a cardboard box. I never did that before. The box never did anything to me and neither did any of these joy-filled people and yet I can't stop feeling nothing but horrible. I guess that's what grief does to some people. Two days before Christmas I received the letter I had been dreading that in six months when a one bedroom apt. becomes available I have to leave the only secure place Danny and I resided in and our 2 sons grew up in and have been here for 30 years. I even had a letter from my doctor and therapist and a 3-page letter I myself wrote explaining in detail what Dan has been through in the last 3 years all to no avail. The ones who makes these decisions in the corporate office said they know the death of a spouse is so devastating and gave me 6 months. Wasn't that nice of them, a nice little Christmas present, huh? I am so mad. I never wanted to leave here. I know it's true that others have lost their house and security and worse things have happened and I feel for them, but I really really really wanted to continue to live here with his presence and memories as hard as it was, it will be all that much harder living alone without this safe haven I had. It's really true that it is better to be happy with what we have when we have it. Because the nice comfy rug can be pulled from beneath us when we least expect it. Now I feel I will be right back where I started and losing Danny all over again. I am so bummed. Just had to get this out. I'm all stressed out but it helped to tell someone about this. I don't want to tell anyone in my family as I'll be so humiliated as I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to move. At least I have 6 months to get rid of what I don't need. But, I'll be taking all of Danny's clothes and possessions wherever I go. I don't care what anyone says. When I'm calmer I'll get back to you all. Hope you are all doing better. Thanks for reading this.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Christy on December 28, 2010 at 9:36am

Suzanne, Oh I wish I was there to give you a real HUG & support you through this terrible time. My heart goes out to you and what you are facing. We all have to deal with different levels of disruption and change now, but somethings seem wrong all the way around! We shouldn't have to let go of 1 single thing- we have already had to give up the most important part of our lives! I am scared too. I actually asked for & began taking anti-anxiety pills as needed last week. It has been just over 4 months since Larry passed & I have been trying to rebound on my own, but with the holidays & it being our anniversary, I knew I needed help! I am being forced to gather his things now, simply to protect them from his family members who want to walk in & take everything-they don't even know what is his- they want everything! When I say his family, I mean blood relatives who have been absent from his life for more than 8 years & his parents who gave him up 33 yrs ago! I wish I could just leave things untouched as they have been since his last day here. It brings me comfort seeing his robe hanging on the door where I can grab it and take a squeeze, or to admire his diploma he just received in May from Troy University. I'm sorry, I meant to lend you support & now I'm off & upset over my own situaton. Forgive me. I honestly do wish you the best. Christy

Permalink Reply by Joan on December 28, 2010 at 12:26pm

God bless you Suzanne. I feel for you. I just moved and I brought every t-shirt, etc. that belonged to Jim. He was a good one for keeping business cards and what I call junk. I brought it all. I did have to have a sale of all his tools from the garage, and he had a lot. I wasn't there for the sale. I couldn't have been there. I cried at every shirt I folded and put in a box. But it's okay. I still have those things. They're there if I feel I need to hold them. I'm sorry you have to move. I made the choice to move so it wasn't quite as hard as it will be for you. And don't pay any attention to what people say about taking your husbands possessions with you. It's nobody's business but your own. You do what you have to and with the help of God you'll make it. You'll be in my prayers as are everyone on this site. Joan

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 28, 2010 at 6:06pm

suzanne, i am so sorry for what you are going through with a possible move and all. i know it is so hard for us all but some of us keep having things come up and bite us in the butt, so to speak. i know that you are feeling horrid right now and i just want to say that i will be praying for you and like someone else said maybe something will happen 6 months from now where you wont have to move. i think christmas was so hard for us all . like someone else said christmas will never be the same with out the one that we really truly loved and is no longer their to spend it with.my daughter said she knew how sad i felt and was feeling bad for me because she tried to make it fun and i tried to act as happy as i could but i can only pretend just so much. i apologized and thanked her for just trying. that was all she could do. i know jan will also be a hard month for you as feb. will be for me. just know we are all in this horrible nightmare together and we need each other. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers . cindy

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 28, 2010 at 6:06pm

Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 28, 2010 at 6:24pm

Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's hard enough to deal with, without having to move from your home.

There are no "rights" or "wrongs" in the things we do to make it through. I would be taking his possessions with me too if I was you.

And I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to die, but you don't want to live. I haven't reached the point where I feel like I am living, right now I am just trying to exist.

It's good to come here and vent your feelings. Here everyone understands.

Hugs to you and everyone here trying to make it through.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 28, 2010 at 6:24pm

Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's hard enough to deal with, without having to move from your home.

There are no "rights" or "wrongs" in the things we do to make it through. I would be taking his possessions with me too if I was you.

And I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to die, but you don't want to live. I haven't reached the point where I feel like I am living, right now I am just trying to exist.

It's good to come here and vent your feelings. Here everyone understands.

Hugs to you and everyone here trying to make it through.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on December 28, 2010 at 8:24pm

Suzanne, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I do understand what you are saying about not caring about anything. I also don't want to die because I want to be here for my daughter but life is just not any fun right now. I try every day to have a positive attitude and find some joy in the day, but sometimes it is very hard to do. I will keep you in my prayers and pray for all of us that are here to have better days in the year to come.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on December 28, 2010 at 9:07pm

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to thank you all for your support. During the end of the summer I thought I was feeling somewhat better, and felt like I took one step forward but two steps back when the Autumn months came along I was back in a depression and all I am doing is just going along with the tide, whatever comes along, even if it's a tidal wave. Some call what we are going through grief work, but I don't feel like calling it that. I just feel like my life is over and I have temporary distractions when I am with loved ones but I always come back home alone and go to bed alone. I feel bad that you may be trying to heal or recover and don't want to add to anyone's discouragement while you are all grieving but you are all good people because you care, probably because you loved so much before we all found legacy. I think the worst of this entire year thus far was waking up Christmas morning alone, and empty, and sad. I thought I could make it without much ado. But nothing to celebrate, if I mentioned how my day on Christmas went I really would be complaining so I'll spare you my self-pity party. I really only wanted to say that every single one of you here has touched me immensely with your replies and hugs and prayers. Life right now is tough for all of us and I have much gratitude for you all, even those who no longer post. I received something from everyone. Thank you sincerely. I am so sorry for all of your pain and sadness as well and keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on December 28, 2010 at 10:11pm

Suzanne, I think you are so right when you said we all care cause we loved so much before. So please don't apologize for saying anything here. We are all here to help each other out. So say whatever you are feeling, because chances are that we have felt the same way. Maybe the circumstances are different, but our emotions aren't. I also feel like my life is over, that all I'm doing is going through the motions. At my Mom's funeral today I thought how lucky my mom is now because she's with dad, and she's with Jim. It's okay to have self-pity parties once in a while, we've earned that right. We will get through this, one way or another. We'll do it together. Thoughts and prayers to you.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on December 30, 2010 at 12:14am

Hi Barbara,

I have been thinking lately that there is only one person in my life that would be worse if I were to leave this world so I feel like I'm in limbo. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. It must have been especially hard being right after Christmas and the holiday season being upon us. My condolences to you in your time of sadness. I will continue to remember you in my prayers. Take care and I pray for peace for you.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on December 30, 2010 at 5:21am

Christy that is so devasting for you, I pray for you to be strong, and do what you have to do for you. I just know what you mean about mean blood relatives, hugs, hugs, hugs

Permalink Reply by Christy on December 30, 2010 at 7:36pm

Thank you Floss. I start off trying to be supportive to Suzanne & end up gathering support from you. This site is a true blessing filled with so many kind hearted people...

Floss said:

Christy that is so devasting for you, I pray for you to be strong, and do what you have to do for you. I just know what you mean about mean blood relatives, hugs, hugs, hugs