Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by DesertDove on October 2, 2013 at 12:27pm

Hi Mark

Permalink Reply by Charley Solyom on October 2, 2013 at 1:11pm

Hi Mark...I am Charly. I was exactly where you are back in April when my wife died. It is a walk I don't wish on anyone. I know about all the things you are feeling and how you are looking at the world now. I am here for you. Only Jesus got me through it...along with friends and my dogs. I still grieve but I know that each day is a day closer to being with her again. Believe that and know that many others are right there with you. And if you promise not to drive, it doesn't hurt to imbibe once in a while.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on October 2, 2013 at 1:35pm

Dear Mark,

My husband Douglas died 4 years ago this past July.  I know exactly how you are feeling right now and what you are experiencing emotionally and physically.  You haven't even begun the grieving process -- and I don't mean to sound harsh, but it will come upon you.  In the very beginning of losing a loved one, especially our life partner, your entire mind and body goes numb.  That is actually a good thing.  Nature's way of protecting us -- so I learned later.  It is after the funeral and the family and friends stop coming by and asking how you are doing, and trust me, that will happen, that you will realize the full impact of "grief" -- and it will be harsh.  Some days will be better than others, but unfortunately all of us on this site have or still are going through the various stages of grief.  The first year without Douglas is a blur.  The second year got a little better, but not by much.  I still had "grief bursts" and "Douglas Days" as I call them.  The third year I found myself accepting the reality of  his death and he really isn't going to walk through that door or call me again.  Now after year 4 I can actually get through his birthday, our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death without falling apart.  Do I still cry?  Absolutely, but not for long.  And I feel like the tears I now shed are tears of joy because of the wonderful memories he left for me to remember him by -- and no one can ever take those away.  You will get through this and it will be difficult and unbearable at times.  This site helped me tremendously plus the many books that are out there about grief, grieving, and moving forward.  Douglas would not want me to stay in a state of constant grief -- he would encourage me to continue living and make more memories to share with friends and family.  He is still with me always.  Know that all of us here care and are supportive of you and your feelings.  I send condolences for your loss and much love and peace for your recovery.

 

Blessings,

 

Brigitte

 

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on October 2, 2013 at 4:28pm

Dear Mark -- sending you love and prayers -- knowing what you are feeling --  and wishing there were words that could make it easier for you.  

When the fog lifts, you will probably not remember much of what has gone on with family and friends -- I could barely remember who was there with me or what they said -- I still can't, and that's okay.

Do what you need to do, for yourself.  Respect your grieving -- it is part of your love for her.

May God be with you.

Barbara 

Permalink Reply by Diane C on October 2, 2013 at 6:59pm

Hi Mark,
I am so sorry to have to welcome you to this site. You are so new to this grief journey. I am here to tell you that you have found a wonderful place where people will be here for you every day. I lost my husband a year ago (8-1-12) to pancreatic cancer. He had the disease for 1 year, went through chemo and finally he decided enough was enough. I stood by his side every single day for that year. Then I had to hospitalize him to a Hospice Care center for the last 33 days of his life. I am here to tell you that the extreme pain and agony you are going through will ease. I know you don't want to hear that right now, but you will. All of us here have been right where you are today, so we will speak to you with absolute experience and truth. I wish you the best in getting through the next couple of days. It will be a blur, but you will survive it and you will have people to help you get through it. Let them lead you and support you. I will keep you in my prayers to help you get through this.

Diane

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on October 3, 2013 at 5:49am

Mark ... My deepest condolences of your wife's passing.  I had a Celebration of Life for my husband who died April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  The day before I had my sister-in-law stay with me and suddenly I sat up and said, 'I'm not going!'  She told me I had to go and I told her I didn't have to do anything I didn't want t do and I couldn't face all those same fears you are feeling right now.  The shallow 'just let me know how I can help' to 'what happened?'  For some strange reason on that special day I was in a fog-like state and still can't remember how I even got to the chapel.  I sat with my family and never moved a muscle and it felt like I was watching a movie about someone else.  I simply went through the motions and was shocked I didn't even cry because I just couldn't believe that all this was real and I'd lost my best friend and lover.  We'd been married almost 40 years and known each other for 45 years. I even began to think it was all a nasty little joke played on me.  After the service the tea was in a hall and I didn't have a receiving line and I would duck outside every so often and made myself scarce.  I just went with my own feelings and didn't allow people to corner me. 

Mark, there is nothing wrong with having a stiff drink before you go or, even a mild sedative if you feel the need and it's not improper to do so at the service.  You will be surprised how well you will handle it, but please, have someone stay with you for the night even if all you want to do is go to bed to sleep.

Please keep us informed and let us know how you made out.  People mean no harm and just don't know what to say.  Say two words if asked a question, 'It's tough' and excuse yourself.  Your wife is right there with you in spirit!

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Mark Jackson on October 4, 2013 at 10:23am

Well I made it though both days. Still all just a blur, I think Cathy would have liked it. Now I just have to get past meeting with her brother. They owned there moms house together and there some money involved. I guess I need to get over with, but right now I just want to be left alone. I need some time to process everything. It was just like loosening her all over again and I need to start going though the process. Well I'll let you know how it go's with her brother.  

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on October 5, 2013 at 5:54am

Mark ...  I am so very proud of you for hanging in there during the funeral for your beloved wife and I knew it would be all a blur (the brains way of dealing with the trauma of it all.)  I am sure Cathy was there in spirit.  You have two choice Mark to deal with the house that was in Cathy and her brother's name.  You can talk to him and tell him you need a little more time as your grief is raw and to make big decisions in the first year is not a wise choice or, you can have a lawyer handle it so you don't have to be so involved or another option is a trusted relative on your side of the family or a trusted friend to lead you through the process.  Especially when you are dealing with Wills or anything legal it is a good idea to have help of some sort as an extra pair of ears or a lawyer that can protect your rights. 

Of course you need time to process what has happened to you and losing a spouse comes under the heading now by most doctors as 'Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.'  You feel like you're in a daze and that things aren't so bad after all, but, it is the beginning of grief and I'm not trying to frighten you.  Grief is different for everyone and we all go through it in our own time frame, but your grief is raw at the present time and you need time to let things sink in.  I know it is like losing Cathy all over again and many of us have experienced that more than once.

Please keep us informed as to how you are doing and we'll be here for you Mark.

 

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on October 5, 2013 at 8:27am

Mark, I am glad you made it through the ordeal of Cathy's funeral.  It is really important to give yourself some time and attention.  You have done the best you could for her, and she would want you to take care of yourself, now.

I believe it is really important that we not make any big decisions for awhile after our loss of a partner.  We are just not in a good place for that -- it may be difficult, because others may need to act on some decision that they are waiting for from you, and it may be hard for them to understand why you aren't able to give them the answers they need -- but, my advice is to stand firm and tell them that you are putting off any major decisions for an indefinite period -- until you feel you are in a better place, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Take care, Mark.  We are all here for you.

Barbara
Mark Jackson said:

Well I made it though both days. Still all just a blur, I think Cathy would have liked it. Now I just have to get past meeting with her brother. They owned there moms house together and there some money involved. I guess I need to get over with, but right now I just want to be left alone. I need some time to process everything. It was just like loosening her all over again and I need to start going though the process. Well I'll let you know how it go's with her brother.  

Permalink Reply by Mark Jackson on October 6, 2013 at 12:22am

Boy I can't get over how lonely I fell. Today (Saturday) is the first day I've spinet by myself. It  seemed like the longest day ever. Friday I went to the hospital to be with a dear friend when his wife was having surgery. I didn't want to go, but these two people were one of the few couples that came to see my wife when she was in there, and I felt Cathy was telling me to go, that everything would be OK,  just to focus on praying for them. That's what I did and I made it though it. Today though, I sat down after cleaning the kitchen and thought to my self that I'm getting tired of this game called life. I'm so tired of being the strong one that everybody turns to when they need help. I'm just tired of people telling me there will be better day, and I shouldn't fell so sad. I know that these felling's will pass. I fell out of sight out of mind. My dad called to check on me but know one else. Even though a lot of my friends said the would check to see if I was OK or needed anything. I know I shouldn't fell this way, but I guess its one of felling's I need to work though' Thanks everybody for letting me vent.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Murphy on December 31, 2013 at 2:18pm

Mark, my husband and I agreed that we would be cremated instead of our family trying to deal with the expense of funerals and burials. I was afraid of what his family would say but sometime while I was at work he had told them of his decision. His parents had died in their 50's and he only visited their grave site once over the years. He said they were not there only their bodies. My husband died on Thanksgiving morning this year and he was cremated the next day. He was an organ donor and although he was not able to donate major organs he was able to donate his eyes, bones and skin. This helped me when his memorial service was held a week later. I had his service in an old firestation turned into a museum in our small city. Over 100 friends and family came in to share in this moment. I got his favorite minister from out of state to deliver the service and this gave us much comfort. We had a small luncheon afterwards to meet with people who lived far off. This is a very lonely time, I agree. Friends have stopped calling and coming by and that hurts. I try to find things to do but not motivated to do them. My mom calls everyday but she cannot relate to how I feel. I want to get past all this hurt and grief and move on but it seems so far away.