Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Charley Solyom on June 6, 2013 at 10:34am

Hi Jim Angela Marsha its raining here again and I don't know what to do. My wife died in April and I feel like you. Have to finish one more christian song but then I want to join her. Nothing here. It sucks. Charley

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 6, 2013 at 6:05pm

Charley ...  Your grief is so raw right now and believe me we all know just how you feel.  It's a fight to hang on at times.  I think if most of us had the opportunity we would join our beloved spouses.  Lean on us as you are stronger than you think.  We'll always be here for you.

Hugs (Because you need one)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 7, 2013 at 3:28am

Hi Jim ...

Thanks so much for replying. Sometimes there are glitches on the forum.

I am sorry your father and younger brother passed away and that's hard enough, but, we both agree losing a spouse is far more difficult to get over.  I have had friends (2 took their own lives) and 2 passed from cancer and I took that hard, but not as hard as losing my husband.  Unfortunately, we didn't have any children and that makes me sad.  I too feel that hole in my heart and wonder if it will ever heal.  I live just outside of Vancouver B.C. Canada in the suburbs and my husband grew up here (smaller town) and so everyone knew him and I do bump into many who haven't realized he has passed away and it's difficult.  Everywhere I go it reminds me of him. 

Did you gain your weight back?  Most put on weight from eating fast foods or junk foods because they can't handle sitting down and eating alone.  I am no different and now eat my dinner in the living room and watch TV.  I just can't stand looking at that empty chair.  Ernie use to compliment me on my cooking all the time and I really miss that as I enjoyed cooking, but only eat to live now so I can relate well to how you feel.  Jim, we all feel guilt throughout our grief with feelings of 'I should have known' or 'I should have told her/him I loved them more.'  We also can trace back to the odd senseless arguments we could have had, but, I have realized all that is normal and our spouses knew we loved them.  I really feel uncertain about myself as I'm not as young as I use to be and starting life again on my own seems almost impossible.  I keep wondering if I will have any sort of future.  Some of us here call it 'two masks' ... one where we smile when out in public or with family and friends and the other sad when we are alone in the privacy of our home.

I'm also at the point you are that the feelings are farther apart now and don't come as often, but then it worries me wondering where I will be and it makes me feel very deserted and alone. 

I certainly hope and pray that everyone will recover from their great loss.  Life is but a mystery and the past has no answers and hopefully the future will hold some peace and joy for all of us.

You take care as well Jim and thanks again.  Hope to see you post soon again.  We're all here for you.

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 7, 2013 at 6:56pm

Jim ...  It's so nice of you to reply to my post and I appreciate it.

In the first year I did write a letter to my Ernie expressing how I missed him and what was going on in my life and then shortly after when I was going through an angry stage and blaming him for leaving me in this hell hole of grief I wrote another letter and put both away for 2 weeks and then read them again and burned them.  I heard this method from a psychologist friend of mine.  It works to some degree.  I think grieving just takes time and all of us are different in our grief and age is also a factor or whether you have children or a close knit family none of which I have.  It's difficult to know you were once extroverted, full of energy and well liked and now a different person and you have to recreate yourself all over again which can be exhausting at best for many.

Men in particular find it difficult to share their feelings as they've been brought up to be strong, but that idea is shot out the window and I'm finding so many more men expressing themselves more openly which is a good thing.  They often may chose a woman because most women are more nurturing and can relate better.  Sometimes some men are lucky enough to have a close buddy to discuss these things with.

I'm so happy you went back to work.  I have been retired and no longer considered employable so that's difficult.  I'm still fairly intelligent and still can work, so now I'm beginning to volunteer to keep my life as full as I can and meet new friends.  I am so glad you mentioned you started to gain weight after going off antidepressants as my doctor at first wanted to put me on antidepressants not because he thought I was depressed (he gave me a written test for that one and I was not considered abnormally depressed) just to gain weight, but I refused.

Happy to hear your blood pressure has finally settled down and you are doing better. I go for long walks with the dogs and a friend comes along with me most of the time ... peaceful and enjoying nature.  We plan on joining a Senior's Gym if I can ever get my energy level back up to par.

Glad to hear that you are finally taking a trip to visit a friend and I hope I can do that in the future. 

You have a great weekend Jim and pop in and talk with me anytime.  Thanks for your up-lifting posts.

God Bless

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 10, 2013 at 3:52am

Hi Jim ... What a sweetheart you are for leaving me such an encouraging post and it does help.  I keep trying as best I can and hope it opens up my social world a bit more as I'm generally a very extroverted happy person.  You seem to have your plans in good order and I'm so happy for you.  If I was younger I would probably move, but my husband and I loved this small rancher and here I will stay.  My friends and what little family I have are all here and I don't have the energy (age is a factor as well) to start all over again somewhere else.  I think your idea of moving would be good for you.

You are right of course that guys tend to be reticent.  I am proud of the fact you at least attempted therapy and I did as well, but found that the therapist was more 'text book' and had not lost a spouse so I got very little out of it.  My parents brought me up to hit head on to the more serious problems in my life because they said there was always an answer at the end of the road so that is what I am doing; reaching out to others, helping where I can volunteering and eventually joining a club called '50 plus ... Circle of Friends.'  It's important to keep making a few new friends and keeps one on their toes.  I am so glad you feel more comfortable discussing the loss of your wife.  It sure does help.  I think it cuts the grief time down by quite a bit.  I'm proud of you for traveling alone and managing so well.  I'm not quite ready for that one yet and never really did enjoy traveling alone.  My girlfriend and I want to plan a trip soon for 4 - 5 days and just have some R & R and some fun.

Thanks for seeing that there are positive measures I'm taking and it sure isn't easy and one doesn't know how they will feel from day to day.  I pray for all on here as well that they will have peace and joy in their lives once again.

Went to the garden nursery with my girlfriend and that perks me up and you get to meet so many nice people just enjoying all the flowering plants around. I love to garden so fit right in.  However, our weather here in lovely British Columbia goes from rain to sun and it's difficult to garden, but lots of things to do inside the house. 

I hope you have a great week Jim and I do enjoy hearing from you.  How weird is that ... my brother's name is Jim.  LOL

Take care too

Marsha 

  

 

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